almostthere Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Ok...another problem. I just found out at lunch that my bf's exwife wants to know if we can take the kids over night saturday night. i said it was ok of course. however, we are rehabbing our condo and we have no carpet and things are a complete mess so i said that only if my kids go over to their dads saturday night. Then we will have beds for his three kids. they obviously cannot sleep on the floor. We dont have carpet anywhere and i dont want them sleeping on the hard floor. Here's the problem...he then asked if his ex agrees to it if i would get the kids from her or have her drop them off to me and i will watch them until he gets home from work. he has been putting in 70 -80 hours a week so who knows what time he would get home. my problem is that first they dont listen to me and second i need some alone time once a week. even just for an hour after i drop my kids off to their dads. The condo needs to be cleaned and painted and saturday was my only day to do it. they are not the kind of kids that i can paint around. paint would be everywhere. not to mention i think they suffer from ADD or something...they are very hyper. and really its not just because i have three weeks to complete this massive project we are doing before school starts again for me...its that i dont want to watch them because they dont listen me and they are so demanding. i just want a little quiet time. I am a full time mom with a full time job and i go to school almost fulltime. I take three classes which is considered full time schooling. when i drop my kids off at their dads the last thing i want to do is have three more when i return home and cant get a single thing done that i have had to put off all week. plus, it just gets too loud and messy in there that i find myself suddening chugging the gallon of milk just to find an excuse to run to the store to get more... I find myself stressing out when they are there. i cannot be there the whole time. i find good reasons to leave and i dont leave for long but i cannot be there. they pull out everything and clutter literally drives me crazy. Would it be ok if i just said do you mind waiting until you get home from work before the kids come over because they listen to you better then me? I have already said to him that i couldnt have them until after 6pm because i drive a lancer and i have to drop my kids off at their dads about 6pm. and he knows i want to paint. my kids wont bother me while i am painting. i guess their used to it or something. I dont think with the schedule i keep that i shouldnt be allowed a few hours to go out alone during the day and just get away from all the noise. am i being rude? and how do i tell him this is what i need?
laRubiaBonita Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 well firstly, can you find someone else to watch the kids, someone the exwife will be comfortable with. you did agree, and it is kinda rude to renig the offer, however... you do NOT have to do it if you really do not want to.
Author almostthere Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 Well...i didnt agree to babysit. I agreed to ask my ex to rearrange his schedule so we could have the kids over night so my bf's exwife can go out on a date. As far as babysitting goes i said after 6 or 7pm because i have my kids and no way to get his. his exwife hates me because she wants him back so i really dont want to be alone around her anyway because i dont want her to tell me another lie. she has already done that. so i said only if she can drop them off later on because he may be there by then. but i really do want him to be there too because they are very hard to handle becuase they dotn think i am an authority figure (i think). Basically this is how i would like it to be...until they start to listen to me I dont want to be alone with them. I am not intimidated by them but its very hard when they get mad at me to control them. They are not afraid of me, they know i am not their mom and they see 2 times a month. I dont ask my bf to watch mine...well thats not entirely true...he has watched them one time in a year and half. I had a pressing test to do so he watched them for an hour while i went to school. Plus you cant look past the point that my life right now is shared between work, school, my kids and my bf leaving absolutely no time for me to do what i want to do. i get an hour lunch break at work...so i get to run to target if i dont have errands to run. whats wrong with me having 2 or 3 hours without responsibilities? whats wrong with me being alone to paint or clean and enjoy it being clean for a little while? there isnt anything wrong in that. but yet why do i feel selfish? especially since his children dont listen to me. we have even had to start hidding snacks from them because two of them are overweight and for health concerns we dont allow them to eat many snacks but if we leave them in the cabinet they sneak them or say oh well...dad would have let me. I bought 10 brownies one time. the prepackaged ones with nuts. all but one package was eaten within 5 minutes. no exaggeration. they come over and go right to the cabinets and in any 15 minute period you can find them with food.
RecordProducer Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 As much as I understood, you're going to live with your BF and your children, while his live with their mother and visit him two weekends per month. Is this true? If it's true then you can't tell him that you don't want to watch his kids for a few hours when he is supposed to live with yours. I completely understand your feelings about his children. I was married to a guy with a difficult, demanding little daughter and I couldn't stand that kind of life. She lived with us though. Now I live with a man who absolutely adores my kids, but I'm not sure I could ever adore another woman's children. His ex has a right to give him the kids if she wants to go on a date. One parent is not more responsible than the other. Although I as a mother can't possibly understand how people can live without their children, I have to say that it's not easy to be a single mother of two while the father sees the kids occasionally. Relationships where problems with children from previous marriages are involved are very frustrating and the anger that's being created from the unhealthy connections is never-ending. On one hand you can't always pretend that everything is great when it comes to his kids; on the other hand, when you complain, you're losing points in his eyes. Some women do pretend well that they love their partner's kids, but you're obviously not one of them. If you can't stand their guts and show it, he will resent you sooner or later. Men usually feel guilty for not being with their children more often so they put their kids on the throne and believe that they can afford to neglect the new wife a little bit. A little bit becomes a lot and the little problems become huge... If he loves his children very much, all you can do is pretend that you love his kids and say "Yes, dear" to whatever demands he (or they) might have. You only have to take them once in a while, after all. But what if they want to move in with you some day when they grow up a little? This has been happening to many people. There was a case on LS where the husband left the wife when his kids moved in because she didn't like their behavior, lack of discipline, etc. He abandoned their children to live with HIS. I don't know how much you hear what I say, but I can tell you one thing: whenever problems with kids are involved, it's never simple. Don't fool yourself that things will be smooth if they are not smooth now.
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