boyfriends son out of control

[not a mom]

bf and i have been dating about a year. he used to just see his son Dustin on the weekends. Since school started last sept. Dustin now lives with him full time. Dustin is 7 years old. No problem right. My bf and I dont' live toghether- I am 25 he is 30. I have no kids he just has Dustin. I really love his son, I do. He can be very sweet and cute and a good kid. I have done things for his son that he says no other girlfriends have done-which is basically include him in the things we do. Most of his other girlfreinds always wanted him to find a babysitter even if they had kids too. I have taken Dustin to parks, to see movies with just him and me, I took him shopping for school clothes last year, took him to an amusement park by myself, I took him to the zoo one time. Dustin will even come over and spend the weekend at my apartment with me every once in awhile. I have been told that I am good with kids and that most seem to like me. Usually i am the one at family reunions that ends up with some stranger's kid sitting on my lap or playing games with them. For some reason children are drawn to me. So I like dustin and think he is basically a good kid. He's had a hard life, he has a sister who is only a half sister (same mom) and his mom hardly ever lets him see his sister (she doenst have regular visitation anymore as she moved two states away to get married and basically abandoned Dustin.) But lately I am noticing that my bf is trying to compensate for dustin's mom leaving him by buying him anythnig he wants! And Dustin knows that he can push his dad's buttons and he will just yell and scream until he gets his way. Lately my bf never says NO to Dustin. He gets everything he wants and in the last year he's gotten a motorized Choppers bike, a swimming pool, a huge trampoline, a go kart, any toy he wants, and recenlty his cousins got a motorized Gator golf cart thing and Dustin cried and screamed because he wants one too. His dad kept saying no cause htey are like $900 and he can't afford it and Dustin just kept screaming. My bf has the attitude that he should get anythign he wants because my bf was treated badly by his own parents (came from a family of 7 kids) and his parents never bought him anything new or took him places. He was one of hte younger sibblings so he always got hand me downs. So he wants his son to have a better life than he had. Well I udnerstand that but you need to draw a line somewhere.

 

The thing that upset me the most is that recently my bf's brother bought his kids a motorized mini monter truck (probably about $500) he got it at a yard sale or something so he didn't pay that much for it but it was in perfect condition. The bf's brother has 3 kids of his own and bought it for them. Well he left it at the grandparents house and my bf took it one day beccause his son liked it and wanted one. So he gives it to Dustin and takes him to the local park so he can ride it around. I went with them (he said he borrowed it) and Dustin was all happy driving this toy around and then he started crashing it into things. HE drove it straight into a picnic table and busted one of the headlights. I was shocked and yelled at Dustin adn my bf just laughed and told me not to yell at him. I said but he damaged it and its not even yours! My bf said oh well he's a kid and he breaks things. So dustin just kept running into other things nad broke the mirror and the other headlight. He thought it was funny. My bf didn't say a word to him. He also ran it into the back of a mini van that was parked and hit the bumper. My bf didn't even go check to make sure it dind't damage the person's vehicle. He said oh bumpers are plastic nad that toy can't do any damage. I did look for damage and couldnt' find any but if someone's kid hit my car and no one told me or even checked for damage I would be upset!! I am considering breaking up with my boyfreind over this behavior becasue he is teaching his son how to be irresponsible. I mean he gives in to him all the time and lets him do whatever he wants. He will say no nad then his son will just yell and keep asking and wear him down adn my bf gives in. I can't stand it!! THe funny thing is Dustin doesn't do that with certain people- like me. He knows that when I say no I mean it. He is a good kid but I just think my bf is going to "ruin" him because he is teachign him bad manners (destroying someone else' s property, being irresponsible.) I mean I know it was my bf's brother's toy jeep and he's family but still that is terrible the way he so carelessly treated his brother's belongings after not even askign if he could borrow it. I talked to him about it and he said oh well his brothers 3 kids have broken dustin's toys before. well maybe but not something that costs $500. Is this a warning sign of things to come? I can just see this poor kid at 16 in some major trouble. Otherwise he is a very polite sweet kid (he says please and thank you and calls adult strangers ma'am and sir. He learned this from his mom by the way. Is this worth ending a relationship over?

[Buttaflyy]

Your BF is out of control! Have you talked to him about this? Unfortunately, it seems that your concerns are accurate and he is DEFINITELY leading him down the wrong path. The only thing I could advise is that you talk to him and see what he says. Sometimes, we as parents try and compensate for an absentee parenting and it's actually neglect toward the child.

 

Most kids will misbehave with their own parents before anyone else. My nephews do this all the time! They have temper tantrums when with their parents, but don't do this with me as they know I will not tolerate it. Again, this is a case of the parent being the problem and not the kid.

[Zeeboo Zebuloo]

Just wanted to say that YES! Your concerns are valid. NO, you are NOT being unreasonable...I think that you have some really good insight into the situation and you've done a good job identifying a problem that could have serious consequences. First off? Why doesn't your boyfriend recognize that you are experienced with children and behavioral guidance? Sure, I realize that 'A parent is the expert on their child...' but that doesn't mean you have sherbet-for-brains either!!! It sounds like he could learn a thing or two from you...because you get Dustin to modify his behavior. Why is he playing 'Good Cop/Bad Cop'? It's going to confuse his son and make him angry. Also? Doesn't he realize that this 'spoiling' will backfire? Sooner or later he'll fail at making his little boy happy with just a metric ton of THINGS. He'll run out of money, or he won't be able to locate THE RIGHT ITEM, or he'll get the wrong gift...but little Dustin will wonder why Daddy can't keep his promises. Filling the void with expensive crap-olla is never the answer. Eventually his father will fail him on this never-ending shopping spree-and he'll always want more, more, more and it'll never be enough. He'll never find satisfaction...and he'll blame his Dad. It'll all be "Dad's fault"! He'll resent him for it too.

[grace75]

I am going through a similar situation. I actually just posted mine when I saw yours. My boyfriend's son will go back and tell his mom and grandma that we did nothing with him when he was at our place if we don't do what he wants. Then of course they call and go off and upset my bf. We'll take him to the pool and bbq with him, and then he'll ask what we're doing next and we'll tell him we're going to go home and chill out for a while and he'll ask, "Is that it?" I want to slap him! He doesn't ask you to do something for him. It's more of a command. I guess there is something called the guilt-ridden father syndrome where they feel they have to compensate for not being 100% in their child's life or being able to give them a regular family. It sounds like you are his family and the 3 of you together are the definition of a nuclear family. You're right in being weary of all the money and material items that his son is getting. It will only backfire later. I wish us both lots of luck! I know this isn't much help, but just know that someone in the same situation feels the exact same way and there is validity to what we think and feel on this subject.