Guest Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 My husband and I have been together for 9 years our oldest son was 6 weeks old when we started dating. Since then we have married and have children togther, from day one my husband has taken care of this boy as his own. His sprem donar left me when i was pregnant, I am glad that he did because i dont think that he could be anywhere near the dad that my husband is. Our problem is we dont want him to find out and think that we lied to him his whole life, and my husband is torn everyday over this because he thinks that our son will hate him. So how do we explain this gently so he understands that his dad chose him and he is even that much more special to him.
Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 You could say that "Anyone can be a father, but it takes a lot of love, sacrifice, and desire to be a Dad..." then explain to him that his 'father' or 'birth father' made some terrible mistakes. You could say that you made some mistakes too (you don't have to go into details) but that the ONE THING you both did RIGHT was to have a baby. Then you could say, "Did you know who that baby was? It's you!" Remind him that he was what made the relationship between you and his birth father special and he's what makes your family special now. Then you might want to show him some photos of you and your husband when you started dating...show him some photos of himself from that time...and say "Daddy always dreamed of having a little boy just like you to love someday. Well, you know what? HIS DREAM CAME TRUE."
Tony T Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 This seems to me a powerful enough issue that a good psychologist or counsellor should be involved in the process. The boy should certainly be told and a mental health professional will be able to formulate or recommend strategies for the process and be there to work with the boy through it all. I think you will find all will work out well. However, you need to tell him now. Don't wait until he's an adult. He'll have a lot more to be pissed of about later than he does now. If your husband has been a good dad to him, he'll understand that telling him had to wait until he could fully understand.
RecordProducer Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Did your husband adopt him? If not, this is the first step and he will be his son officially. If he has adopted him already then he is his father. The sperm donor should not be demonized in your child's eyes if he ever finds out the truth. Just tell him that he was a good person but you didn't work out. Children who have found out the turth about their biological parents have had huge identity problems. No matter what you do, make it sound light. If you take it too dramatically, he will too. In my opinion, you should tell him when he is older. The older the better. The psyche is being formed at young age. After puberty it's already formed. He won't become a drug addict or an alcoholic if he discovers at age 19 that his dad didn't fertile his mom's egg. I mean, how do you even explain the difference between biological and not? Are you going to explain to him everything about sex, making babies, etc.? Children don't have the capacity to understand these things clearly. I recently re-married my second husband whoim my kids love very much and they asked me: "Mom, is A our daddy now instead of Z?" (they are 7). They don't understand how fathers biologically contribute to fathership. In their hearts, the one who takes care of them is their father. And isn't that the truth after all? What if your son was replaced with another child at the hospital and you never find out, will he not be your son? I am 31 now and if I found out my parents were not my biological parents, I couldn't care less. They are the best and only parents I've ever had. Genes do mean a lot and some day he should know the truth about himself, but a drop of sperm left in the hit-and-run manner doesn't make one a father!
Outcast Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I know someone who didn't find out until she was older that her dad wasn't her dad. It crushed her that she had been lied to all her life by the people she trusted most.
littlekitty Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 It should be done sooner rather than later. And I agree that professsional help may be useful in helping him understand. For what it's worth, my SO calls his Step-Dad 'Dad' and his bio father by his first name. He was a father to my SO from age 3. My SO was always aware that he wasn't his bio father, but he has always, always been his Dad. No-one and nothing could change that. But I think you need to act on this now, so that it can have a positive outcome. It's not fair to lie to your child about this.
Guest Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Thank you for all your advise, I am still scared as hell, my husband is even worse poor thing cries about it, thinking that our son will get all messed up. Like I said it would kill us both if he got hurt I couldnt bare that. I will talk to a professional about going about this the right way. We know that we love him more then anything, and my husband loves him so much more then he realizes he chose him he didnt just have him, you know what I mean. To answer one question yes he has adopted him, that was the best day of his life as he put it.
Trimmer Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I think the idea of getting professional advice is a good one, and I mean this in a totally constructive way: You guys need to work out your own feelings and approach to this, so that you can be at peace with it. I think he will take his cue from you. If you are torn up about it and treat it as a difficult, uncomfortable issue, then guess what vibe your child will get from you? On the other hand, if you treat it will gentle respect, but with lightness and joy (how lucky for your husband to have had the opportunity to be your son's dad!) then that will be the vibe and the philosophy that you son carries with him, and builds into himself as a person growing up. Has there even been a "lie" per se? Have you had the sex talk with him yet? The fact is, your husband is your son's father - there has been no deception there. When he gets old enough to have the sex talk, you can incorporate the idea that his biological father is a different man, but again, this doesn't take anything away from the true "fatherhood" of your husband, who has been there essentially since day 1. And if you guys come to peace with this fact now, then your son will be at peace with it quite quickly, I bet. But I would think the worst thing you can do is to tell him and act all morose and apologetic and sad about it, or even to subconsciously convey feelings of guilt, regret, or whatever. This is not news to be delivered with sadness or regret; it is a fact of his life, which is supported and surrounded with joyful love from his parents. Do talk to a counselor and get yourselves to a peaceful place about this and the rest will flow from there.
norajane Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 There are many, many, many children with blended families, step-parents, or only one parent and whatnot...your child will be among good company. It's not as big a deal as you are blowing it up to be, certainly not in the U.S. Go to any school in the city and you'll see the standard nuclear family is a myth. Go to San Francisco, and not only does Heather have two mommies, but so does Jason have two daddies, and so do half the other kids. It's important for your child to know sooner rather than later. He will certainly need to know eventually for medical reasons - his 'family' history of illnesses such as heart disease or cancer will not be the same as your other children's. It's important for him to know what his true genetic history is.
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