EndoftheRope Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95006/ for a little background. I asked for him to re-direct her to our joint account. He came home last night (Monday) and told me he e-mailed Sunday and cut off all communication with her-- more than I asked for, but of course, I'm happier with that. He received a reply Monday of (according to him) Okay. He has always insisted this was nothing more than a very casual office friendship, yet they have kept in touch for thirteen years via e-mail, and it's been surrounded by deceit and secrecy, and leading me to believe (though never directly telling me) at least twice before now that they were no longer in contact. But he said he has ended it. This time, he spoke directly, looked me in the eye, and had acknowledged Saturday night in our discussion that he could see how this would be called an emotional affair-- all changes from the past. In addition, he has shown great attempts over the last 18 months to make changes in this marriage, to answer the question posed in my other thread about observing actions, rather than listening to words. So I asked him today to forward their exchange of e-mails so that I can see for myself something of her character and the nature of this relationship, in her own words, to show me he really broke it off and give me some idea that it really was what he said. (And remember, he'd promised the counselor to forward ALL personal e-mails from his work account, and we'd gone over that Saturday night, that that meant ALL.) I received the answer that he has already deleted it all. I think I knew without a doubt, when I asked, that I would never see those e-mails. Is it safe to assume this tells me all I really need to know? That he can't show me those e-mails, because they would disprove the story he's told me for so many years? Due to his behavior, I think he really did end it. But he has blown his chance to remove the doubt, once and for all, about what their relationship really was. As long as it's over (and, if it ever was physical, I have no doubt that part has been over for quite a few years), I can forgive whatever it was. But I think I could move forward and go on to a true and deep marriage and commitment only if I could be sure I'd finally been given the truth, one way or the other. As it is, he's left that doubt wide open by his refusal to show me the e-mails. We can move forward, as long as she's out of the picture, but I don't believe it will ever be what it could have been, as long as he can't or won't either confess or prove he's telling the truth, which I would think those last two e-mails (if he's telling the truth) could have done. So what is my healthiest attitude to take at this point? To continue giving him the benefit of the doubt that it was 'just' a friendship (which leaves me always with a niggling doubt and a voice screaming that the stories don't quite jive) or to take the attitude that I know it was more and I know he's lying and I am making a choice to forgive him, nonetheless (which leaves me with a voice still saying, 'but you don't really KNOW....') I'm sorely disappointed with our last counselor, who's best advice seems to be, "You think there's a problem, he denies it, can you just act as if everything is okay?" I am thinking of trying another counselor, just for myself, to work through some of this, but would like to have any advice from those who have been there, until I find a counselor again. I'm daunted by that task. I can't express any of this to my husband, because he just insists he's told me the truth and I don't want to believe it. I tell him that's because what he's told me doesn't quite fit with what I've seen, and we're back to square one. Thanks, as always, for the help.
quankanne Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 your counsellor sounds like a jackass, and you're right to look for one that will make BOTH of you work toward a reconciliation in your relationship. that said, I think that sometimes, you've got to leave the past alone and move on. And that means accepting his response that he no longer has the emails from the chicky in question, and putting trust in your relationship, no matter how hard it is, or how vulnerable that trust is. You've got to take that first step in rebuilding your marriage by doing your best to not hold on to those things that are nagging at you about his affair (real or emotional).
Author EndoftheRope Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 that said, I think that sometimes, you've got to leave the past alone and move on. And that means accepting his response that he no longer has the emails from the chicky in question, and putting trust in your relationship, no matter how hard it is, or how vulnerable that trust is. You've got to take that first step in rebuilding your marriage by doing your best to not hold on to those things that are nagging at you about his affair (real or emotional). Thanks, quankanne! That is exactly what I plan to do, and you have confirmed I'm on the right track. I guess I'm wondering is which of those attitudes will be most effective for our marriage and beneficial to me?
silktricks Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 In reality, it doesn't matter a bit if you take either attitude or neither. If you follow QA's advice, the past is the past. Let it lie. All of the issues now are with the future. The reality is that what is done is done and can't be undone. If it was more, it was more, if it wasn't, it wasn't. It could have been more or less on either of their parts, but what is in front of you is what matters. Since it sounds like you've chosen to forgive, then part of forgiveness is to let go of the past. I make that sound easy, and it's anything but -- BUT, it is possible and your future happiness is the reward.
Author EndoftheRope Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 Thank you, silktricks. I guess I'm just trying to understand if the future is one of a marriage that's honest or still got skeletons in the closet, and how do I proceed believing it's got skeletons? Can a marriage really be the best it can be when there's a big lie in the background that one person forever has to cover and the other forever has to wonder about? I guess that's what I'm trying to get at: is it easier for me to just quit wondering and assume? Maybe you're right and as long as I've forgiven, and am willing to forgive either more or less, it doesn't really matter what the truth is? I am really struggling to clarify my thoughts, here. But thank you for your clear words and clear direction for the future.
silktricks Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 If your H is lying, and chooses to continue to do so, that is on him. All you can do, is talk to him about your issues and your doubts. Thirteen years of hiding is a long damn time. The probability that he remembers everything that happened during those years is slim to none, so at that point, what is the truth? Could he even know for sure? If you want to be with him, then you need to help yourself and him. If he wants to be with you, he needs to help himself and you. Going forward, if you are in doubt, ask, and if things don't make sense, then ask again. Don't berate, just openly let him know that you're having a hard time and need his help to get you through it. Honesty is tough. There are always some things it's easier to fudge. Don't let yourself do it, or him.
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