lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Is there such a thing as perhaps becoming too obsessed by the whole "No contact" thing? Basically I agree with the concept, but ever since I started reading Loveshack it struck me that there's an almost religious fervency about it. Someone breaks "no contact" and an avalanche of disapproval falls upon them. Isn't it kind of like a diet, in that the more you obsess about not eating something you want...the more tempting it becomes. Don't think about a purple elephant with yellow triangles for ears. Don't be afraid. Don't contact your ex etc?? I suspect posting this in the coping section is probably akin to posting "evil adulterer! Mark thy forehead with a red A at once!" in the OW/OM section. Still - I'd be interested to hear people's views about how useful the whole "no contact" mantra really is. My personal experience was that I found it far easier to distance myself from a former relationship when I didn't make the idea of contact more exciting by banning it completely.
tanbark813 Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I think it has a bit to do with the approach. For example, if you think of it like, "Well, we're finished, there's no reason to interact, so there simply won't be any contact as a result," then I think it's easier to handle and stick to than thinking, "Okay, I NEED to do NC starting... NOW!" I see posts sometimes where people state "Man, I'm on the 11th hour of day 23 of no contact and IT's KILLING ME!!!". Yeah? That's because you're recording the days, retard. I also don't think NC has to be permanent. I do it myself after every breakup and there are some exes I have never heard from since. But there are others who I'm friends with now and it's no problem. My most recent ex has gone to my usual karaoke bar twice over the past few weeks and it wasn't weird. I agree that NC can make contact more attractive but I think accepting it as the result of a breakup makes it far more effective than thinking of it as an active method to implement.
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Hi, I started reading Loveshack it struck me that there's an almost religious fervency about it. Oh, I can agree with that. I'd be interested to hear people's views about how useful the whole "no contact" mantra really is. I think the NC mantra is stupid. Is just people being afraid (and harming themselves more by adding some new silly rule to their lives). Ok, if you do not want to contact someone then don't, and if you do then do it. Unless the other person asks you not to contact them, in such case you have to respect their wishes. Ariadne
Author lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 I see posts sometimes where people state "Man, I'm on the 11th hour of day 23 of no contact and IT's KILLING ME!!!". Yeah? That's because you're recording the days, retard. I know! It's this obsessive charting of/focusing on the "NC" progress that makes it all so horribly wrong, in my view.
Author lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 I think the NC mantra is stupid. Is just people being afraid (and harming themselves more by adding some new silly rule to their lives). Yep. I never get how people think that restricting themselves with various rules can possibly enhance life. The only rule I applied as regards NC was "never forget how foolish, sad and desperate you will look if you contact him...but if you really need to, go ahead."
a4a Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I know! It's this obsessive charting of/focusing on the "NC" progress that makes it all so horribly wrong, in my view. So by becoming obsessed with NC you are simply projecting your obsession with X, with your NC in just a different way. NC turns into just another phase of the relationship and it continues in that form, perhaps even with great vigor in many cases. (This is something like my H does not like being called an atheist because it is still a term used commonly within religion........ )
magichands Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I see posts sometimes where people state "Man, I'm on the 11th hour of day 23 of no contact and IT's KILLING ME!!!". Yeah? That's because you're recording the days, retard. Right. Back from the floor (I'll be glad when I have carpet again, especially for the banging-my-fist bit). Funny how other people's misery can be funny. I think that it's possible for the other party to not really understand what you're doing (changing of phone numbers, ignoring of messages). I mean, I didn't. I guess I thought - right then, you obviously don't want anything to do with me ever again. She was only trying to forget, move on, whatever you call it. And having some whiny "friend" in the picture would have made that so much more difficult. I guess what I'm saying is that the maturity factor comes into play here. And I wasn't very mature.
crazy_grl Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I completely agree. The most important part of NC isn't the fact that you're not speaking to them, it's what you're thinking and feeling while you're not speaking. Contacting an ex is not the end of the world. Sure, sometimes it's a mistake and people think they can handle it when they can't, but sometimes it's just not a big deal because the person actually worked to get over the break-up instead of just implementing NC.
tanbark813 Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Yep. I never get how people think that restricting themselves with various rules can possibly enhance life. I do think it serves some purpose, the most important of which is just breaking the neurochemical addiction. You're basically going cold turkey with the ex.
a4a Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I completely agree. The most important part of NC isn't the fact that you're not speaking to them, it's what you're thinking and feeling while you're not speaking. Contacting an ex is not the end of the world. Sure, sometimes it's a mistake and people think they can handle it when they can't, but sometimes it's just not a big deal because the person actually worked to get over the break-up instead of just implementing NC. Keeping in mind of course that not all X's want you to contact them. I don't think I would have one thing to say to one of mine, nor am I interested if they are dead or alive. But that is me.
Author lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 I don't think I would have one thing to say to one of mine, nor am I interested if they are dead or alive. But that is me. By God, you're a hard woman a4a! With the cigarette and the jaded expression, I feel as if that avatar of yours can see right into my soul.
magichands Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I don't think I would have one thing to say to one of mine, nor am I interested if they are dead or alive. But that is me. I think that's understandable... if they were just using you for your body.
loveinlife Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I agree w everyone here. Sometimes i really want to talk to my ex but bc of nc i dont. I guess maybe the answer is do what one feels like. We are all logical thinkers.
a4a Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I think that's understandable... if they were just using you for your body. :lmao: No really that was then this is now... I could care less what they have done with their life. As a matter a fact I think I would ask them this "WTF are you calling me for?" I see no reason to want to speak with any of them for any reason... not just x -lovers but even old friends and such..... no desire. It is kinda funny how people assume that an X would even want to hear from you. Tad arrogant perhaps?
norajane Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I think an NC rule is important for people who can't eat just one potato chip...you know, the ones who obssess about the exes and can't just email once and let it go. They must then follow it up with 13 text messages in 24 hours, plus a few phones calls to find out why the ex didn't write back, or whatever.
basscatcher Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I never had to do any kind of NC until the past year. I never needed too. My XH I had to take it to the extent of a OFP. With Charlie I had to do it because I asked him for space and he wasn't giving it to me. He was smothering me and I couldn't think. The more he tried to get closer to me the more irratated I became until I had to tell him No more contact... He has abided thusfar. I don't focus on the NC as forever. I won't cut myself off totaly from my freedom to make my own choices. I live in a free country and was given free-will. So If I should choose later (say a month or so) to contact him I will--I can. Right now I need this NC for my peace of mind to sort myself out. NC shouldn't be a do or die rule for everyone.
alphamale Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Is there such a thing as perhaps becoming too obsessed by the whole "No contact" thing? we've discussed this ad nauseum and the consensus was....no.
LaraV Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 It is kinda funny how people assume that an X would even want to hear from you. Tad arrogant perhaps? That's kindda how I feel about it. I have this one ex that I broke up with a few years back that insists on being "on good terms" with me. It always fascinates me that he even wants to talk to me after all the pain (I now know) he endured during the break-up. In that regard, it is with a mixture of sadness and admiration that I always see him through. I guess I must not be as noble (?) as he is. I can't even fathom the idea of "remaining on good terms" with my current ex, as much as I hate to admit it, and despite all the love I still feel for him. Maybe I'm too weak, or maybe I'm too proud, but I just wish I'd never have to see him again. I mean, it's rejection!!! Someone whom you gave all your love to said "I don't want it," so why the hell would you go back and knock on their door!!!!
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Hi, Yep. I never get how people think that restricting themselves with various rules can possibly enhance life. Exactly. I also see the NC thing as the "last weapon" to get back at that person that didn't want you. You are dead, I don't want to know anything about you, you won't know anything about me, if you call me I won't answer (hehehe), yadda yadda. Which I think is also silly, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥
Author lindya Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 I agree w everyone here. Sometimes i really want to talk to my ex but bc of nc i dont. I guess maybe the answer is do what one feels like. We are all logical thinkers. I was tempted to call an ex a couple of times after I felt emotionally recovered from our bad break up. When I analysed the reasons, I realised that once all the window dressing - "we were friends, we had a great connection before things went so wrong" etc - was removed, what it really boiled down to was that I was feeling happy again, and my libido had returned. I'm not the type to go out and get laid by some random guy, so the ex was always the obvious choice. Obviously, though, that leads to renewed emotional attachment which is where the problems set in.
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Hey, "never forget how foolish, sad and desperate you will look if you contact him...but if you really need to, go ahead." And I also have no problem with looking foolish, sad, and desperate. If that is how you feel then so be it. When you break up with someone you love, that's most likely how you are going to feel (and more) anyway. Ariadne
magichands Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 we've discussed this ad nauseum and the consensus was....no. But... I still love you. I can't believe you had the CIA set you up with a new identity.
a4a Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Hi, Yep. I never get how people think that restricting themselves with various rules can possibly enhance life. Exactly. I also see the NC thing as the "last weapon" to get back at that person that didn't want you. You are dead, I don't want to know anything about you, you won't know anything about me, if you call me I won't answer (hehehe), yadda yadda. Which I think is also silly, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ yes but some of us have a natural NC.... we honestly don't care. I actually cannot think of the year (calendar date) when I left my X's... I remember one had a birthday in June......who cares They are not here now and I have no desire to pull them into my life at this time so prefer they remain nc. I would not have a thing to say to them. It would provide no thrill to me at all.
magichands Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 It would provide no thrill to me at all. Was that the reason for the break-ups?
LaraV Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Was that the reason for the break-ups? a4a, I must admit, I'm curious, too!
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