LaraV Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 OK, dear friends, I need your wise input: In about three weeks I will have to go back for my final year in grad school - which means that I'll have to see the X after two months from the break up. I've followed strict NC (except for one e-mail which he sent and I responded to), and if it were up to me, I'd never want to see him again, but alas, I was stupid and got involved with someone from school and now I have a whole year's time to see him around. So, for my part in making the best of this situation, I am going to avoid him like the plague. If we happen to have the same classes together, I'm dropping them; if I know he'll be at some social function (and my school loves those) then I won't go. If I see him coming one way, then I'll bail and go the other. I REALLY mean to not contact him at all. He's too much of my kryptonite rock right now, and I know only too well how painful it would be to have any sort of "real" contact with him. The problem: Despite all my super human efforts to avoid him, the place where I go to grad school is freakin' small. Everyone goes to the same grocery stores, restaurants, etc, etc. The school itself is pretty small. I KNOW I'm at least going to run into him at some point or another, several times, in the parking lot, the school, etc. To make it ever worse, we live in the same freakin' apt building! If I hadn't signed my lease, I swear I would have moved - but I guess what it boils down to is that I KNOW I will see him around and around, despite my best efforts because we go to the same small school, we live in the same small town, we live in the same apt building, and worst of all - we have the same group of friends - hence how I met him. Now I know my friends will be very supportive and will understand the situation and will do their best to not have us together, etc. - but I also don't want them to take anyone's side. I don't want him to be the "bad guy" and lose our mutual friends over this - if this means that I will just be hanging out with my friends less, so be it. Sh*t happens, and while I love my friends to death, I realize that I need to ge MYSELF better right now and if that means removing myself from them, so be it. So my question is this: Do you guys think that seeing him "around" for one more year is really going to prevent me from moving on? Will it set me back? Can the simple fact of "seeing" him walk by be that devastating? I need brutal honesty here. Am I in store for some real excruciating pain for one more year?
alphamale Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Am I in store for some real excruciating pain for one more year? basically...yes
bendit Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 LaraV..I think you will be just FINE, provided you stick 100% to your plan. NC is about YOU. NC is a mindset. It has little to do with him. In fact you can rehearse these episodes in your mind prior to them happening. Imagine how you want to respond. See yourself walking away from him without so much as uttering a word. I see your plan as perfect for where you are headed. The trick is to stick to it and don't waver from it for an instance. Don't cave in even a little bit. Contact begets contact and if you start contact you may end up regretting the entire year. Your plan is great! Remember to rehearse and be prepared so you can execute what you need to do to get through this. You can still do NC and make it a great year. regards
KittenMoon Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I think you're making the fear worse than the thing itself. Try not to tell yourself it will hurt a lot to see him. Tell yourself it will hurt a little, but he'll be around and you can't change that right now. Otherwise, you're going to put yourself on edge all the time, always wondering if he's just around the corner ahead of you.
Author LaraV Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 LaraV..I think you will be just FINE, provided you stick 100% to your plan. NC is about YOU. NC is a mindset. It has little to do with him. In fact you can rehearse these episodes in your mind prior to them happening. Imagine how you want to respond. See yourself walking away from him without so much as uttering a word. I see your plan as perfect for where you are headed. The trick is to stick to it and don't waver from it for an instance. Don't cave in even a little bit. Contact begets contact and if you start contact you may end up regretting the entire year. Your plan is great! Remember to rehearse and be prepared so you can execute what you need to do to get through this. You can still do NC and make it a great year. regards Thanks bendit, it's actually comforting to think you think I'll be fine. I find your logic and advise to be very realistic and practical, so I'm very thankful for your opinion. It's funny that you talk about visualization of events. My father is in the psycotherapy business and that's one thing he keeps telling me to do - visualize what you'll do if this situation comes, or this other one, etc. I think the main reason I really want to avoid him at all costs is precisely because I think that if I even as much as say "hi" to him I'll break down and cry. There is nothing he can say to me that I can handle - not even a well-meaning "hello." I mean, his stupid screen name on AIM makes me cry, I can't even imagine what having him in front of me would be like! Hence, avoidance, avoidance, avoidance!
Author LaraV Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 I think you're making the fear worse than the thing itself. Try not to tell yourself it will hurt a lot to see him. Tell yourself it will hurt a little, but he'll be around and you can't change that right now. Otherwise, you're going to put yourself on edge all the time, always wondering if he's just around the corner ahead of you. This is true, Kitten - but it really will hurt than much to see him. I know in many ways the anticipation is making it worse - and hopefully once I actually do see him it won't be as bad as I imagine right now it will be. But I'm pretty wounded from this one. To see the man who flat out said "I don't love you" walk right pass me is a bit too much for me right now. I'm sure in time it will get better and the anxiety and "edginess" will subside a bit, at least I hope it does. But I think overall it's a very uncomfortable situation for me, and well, extremely painful, too.
alphamale Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 oh yeah and LARAV...there is no such thing as "Light NC". You either have NC or you do not. there is no middle ground.
Author LaraV Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 oh yeah and LARAV...there is no such thing as "Light NC". You either have NC or you do not. there is no middle ground. Exactly Alpha. That is precisely why I'm concerned. In the perfect NC world, I would choose to never see or talk to him again. Unfortunately I can't. I have to finish grad school, obviously, and he's in my class, so that is why I'm freaking out - because I want to have NC, but future circumstances are going to make it a tad difficult. I can only counter that with blatant avoidance, but he's still there, and that is something I can't control.
Guest Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Hey LaraV, I may be a little late with my reply, but here goes. I have been reading your threads with great interest and cannot believe how scarily similar your situation is to mine! I also went out with someone who I truly grew to love, only to have him break up with me after a year because he "doesn't love me and isn't in love with me". He is an honest, decent man and I was fully aware of the situation from word go, but I stupidly thought he would fall for me and I believed him when he said he felt it was just a matter of time. Anyway, fast forward two months and I am doing much better, but still incredibly sad and desperately trying to put as much distance between us as possible so that I can get over this and move on. Which brings me to your situation. Wow, pretty tough. To be honest with you, you don't have much choice in this one. It's not fair because you didn't really have a choice in where the relationship was going either, so it can't be easy for you being faced with now having your coping mechanism (NC) pulled out from under your feet as well. I can't offer much in the way of advice except that you are just going to have to make the best of a bad situation and opt for as little contact as possible. I know you've realised all this already, but I think what you also need to do (and I think this is really important) is to change your way of thinking. Stop thinking you are going to fall apart at the mere sight of him. I know it feels like you are going to, but these thoughts often have a way of becoming self-fulfilling prophecies. Tell yourself that yes, it will hurt, but you will survive it just like you've survived somebody you love telling you that he only sees you as a friend - in my experience, if you can survive that, you can survive anything! Yes it will hurt, but you won't fall apart (especially not in front of him) and each time it will get easier. Then, in a private space somewhere, allow yourself to cry and get it out - it's normal to feel these things and you'll be surprised at how quickly the tears end. I don't know how old you are, but your maturity and dignity shine through in all your threads, and if that's anything to go by you will be absolutely fine. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you will handle it with the grace, strength and integrity that you have shown thus far. Good luck!
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