Author bridget Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 I can understand this.. Feeling like he knows your deepest darkest flaws and yet still accepts you for them. Every time he shows the slightest inclination that he wants you around, you feel valued for flaws and all. When he doesnt' want you around, you feel he's rejecting the whole you.. not just the small part of you that show everyone else. But the ENTIRE good, bad and ugly of you. So it means more to you that this guy accept and want you... It's needed in order to feel okay with yourself. That you aren't a screwed up bad person because he knows the real you, and he still wants you. Is that kind of what you were saying? Yes, that's exactly what I meant, it's good to know I'm not completely insane... or at least that someone understands my incoherent ramblings. I know this isn't a good way to be, I can't tangle my self-worth up with him because if I do (or continue to do so) then I'm going to continue to be an absolute wreck. The most annoying thing is that I know and meet so many fantastic men who are everything that I would look for on paper but when it comes down to it I go for these dreadful guys who are nothing that I want or is good for me. The ultimate in being fickle, I suppose, as I get all this interest and only want the one bugger who doesn't seem to care less unless he's high and/or lonely. Only way to really break that is to really accept the good and the bad inside you. Break the need for outside validation. But I think that's something that takes years to accomplish, not days. So you're going to have a hard struggle to not feel drawn to this guy over and over again. I'm half way wondering if he isn't using you for the same type of validation and support. Kind of a negative reinforcement to each other. Best I can recommend is to lay it all out on the line for him.. what you want, what you will accept, what you are willing to give in return, and see if he's willing to put in the effort to take this from a self-destructive relationship to something a little healthier. I dont' feel this is the best option to take. The coke habit makes everything impossible to change... Unless he could honestly get off the stuff, then there's no hope of any kind of relationship. I'd make that the first item to address if he wants to pursue a relationship with you. No more coke. You seem pretty hard headed ( ) about not cutting this off. I know I'm being very hard headed, definitely not a good personality trait in this instance!! You're right that it's unlikely he's going to come off the coke, largely because all his friends and also his sister are very much into it. I wouldn't even mind if it didn't affect his ability to actually behave like a decent human being toward me. Though it doesn't seem to stop him being a good mate, brother etc etc. I do guess it must be because they aren't all doormats, so he treats them with a bit more respect. I'm just the kind of person who feels really bad in myself if I ignore people, or even stand up for myself really. I suppose I need to work on that before I can even think about going back into this (or any other) relationship -- because he sure as hell isn't going to help me out, in any way, shape or form. Gawd, this is pathetic. So what's my next step then? Just stop speaking to him altogether? I know that I could do that, I've done it before, it's just when he comes back being all pathetic and/or grovelling that I crack, I can't even fathom how to create a hard-faced exterior that wouldn't respond to that. I wouldn't know where to begin. Thanks for the advice, I know you're right... and if you're a big advocate of "working it out" and still say "no" then maybe that should be telling me something, eh?
missy77 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Sorry to say but it sounds like he used you, and now he is just stringing you along. Move on, before he uses you again.
Walk Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 The most annoying thing is that I know and meet so many fantastic men who are everything that I would look for on paper but when it comes down to it I go for these dreadful guys who are nothing that I want or is good for me. The ultimate in being fickle, I suppose, as I get all this interest and only want the one bugger who doesn't seem to care less unless he's high and/or lonely. Maybe I'm wrong in this assumption, but I dont' think you're attracted to him because he's unavailable. I think it's because you identify with him and because you empathize with the struggles he's been through. So maybe those other guys look better on paper, but there isn't that strong common bond of a pained past. Maybe this won't make sense... in bootcamp they would send us recruits through the most unimaginable crap in order to break us down. One thing they always said though was that it created a bond between the recruits who had to struggle together, who had gone through the same things, and understood the difficulties we'd all gone through. Those who bled together were bonded together, kind of mentality. So even though I get along with everyone, I feel a certain affinity for those who have been through bootcamp. I feel stronger toward them then others. I don't know if this is the case with you, but you mentioned a few times how hard both your lives have been, and the struggles you've both gone through. I don't really have anything to offer in the way of advice on what to do now... Part of me says give him a chance, see if he'll quit the coke and really be a contributing part of the relationship for once. Maybe he did learn what was important. The other part of me says, it's all so convienent for him, and he's not going to give up the coke or any of his behaviors that cause you pain because he knows you won't run off too far. He's got his independence, yet knows you're available when he wants you. There's no reason for him to change. I think you're in the best position to make a decision on what to do. I don't the guy, or his past. What I do know though, whatever you decide, communicate it clearly. If it's NC you want, then tell him that. If it's a healthy relationship with respect and boundaries, then tell him that. I feel badly for you... why can't love just be happy? Seems so crappy that someone as nice as you hasn't found someone who will make you happy more often than sad.
latefragment Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 great advice, walk. and bridget i am sorry to hear this is causing you so much pain. i, too, have met guys who were perfect for me on paper but there wasn't the spark, meanwhile i was entranced by the one bloke who is a dickwad. in the past i think it was because i was (1) very commitment phobic and (2) drawn to the rebellious spirit, being seized by passion and attitude and the bad-boy'ness. i consider myself a bit of a 'bad girl' myself (i ride a motorcycle, etc.) but when it comes to romantic relationships i am ... much as you've characterized it ... a doormat! i'm a bad girl when it comes to everything but the dating scene! LOL. anyway, i really feel for you. i don't really have much advice to give you besides, i understand where you've coming from and i've been there in similar shoes to you, having me feelings yanked every which way at the drop of a hat, breaking down in moments of weakness to see someone you know you shouldn't. you seem like such a sweetheart, too. i agree with walk, why is everything so damn complicated? i guess if it was that easy no one would ever break up or divorce or anything huh??? i am wondering that myself, as i slowly move towards acceptance of my own recent situation with several blokes. YUCK!!!!
Author bridget Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 Maybe I'm wrong in this assumption, but I dont' think you're attracted to him because he's unavailable. I think it's because you identify with him and because you empathize with the struggles he's been through. So maybe those other guys look better on paper, but there isn't that strong common bond of a pained past. Maybe this won't make sense... in bootcamp they would send us recruits through the most unimaginable crap in order to break us down. One thing they always said though was that it created a bond between the recruits who had to struggle together, who had gone through the same things, and understood the difficulties we'd all gone through. Those who bled together were bonded together, kind of mentality. So even though I get along with everyone, I feel a certain affinity for those who have been through bootcamp. I feel stronger toward them then others. That does make sense to me, in it's own way. I definitely think there's something in your interpretation, but I'm trying to aknowledge that despite maybe feelings of his being a kindred spirit or similar -- he actually probably isn't. I definitely think the troubled past thing does make me feel close to him; and even more so because we've shared all this past pain, but we deal with it now in such different ways that it becomes irrelevant. Kinda. I do feel a lot closer to him than I have with other men in the past, which is daft because I know it's a bad thing. Grr. I don't know if this is the case with you, but you mentioned a few times how hard both your lives have been, and the struggles you've both gone through. I don't really have anything to offer in the way of advice on what to do now... Part of me says give him a chance, see if he'll quit the coke and really be a contributing part of the relationship for once. Maybe he did learn what was important. The other part of me says, it's all so convienent for him, and he's not going to give up the coke or any of his behaviors that cause you pain because he knows you won't run off too far. He's got his independence, yet knows you're available when he wants you. There's no reason for him to change. I think you're in the best position to make a decision on what to do. I don't the guy, or his past. What I do know though, whatever you decide, communicate it clearly. If it's NC you want, then tell him that. If it's a healthy relationship with respect and boundaries, then tell him that. I feel badly for you... why can't love just be happy? Seems so crappy that someone as nice as you hasn't found someone who will make you happy more often than sad. Thank you so much for the kind words and advice. I'm going to see him after work tonight for what will hopefully be some kind of resolution. I'm going to try my damn hardest to stand my ground and not just melt into a big ball of goo when he says the right things, it's just so damn difficult not to fall into someone's arms when it's the only thing you actually want to do. Damn this head/heart conflict, it'll be the death of me! I'm really not sure what to say or do, I know I need to lay my feelings and my needs on the line and see what he comes back at me with - but is it normal to feel like an overdemanding, nagging pain in the arse when doing this? I don't know why I do, because it's what everyone needs to do in a relationship -- I think he's just already made me feel like I'm demanding so much when I ask him for the smallest favour or gesture that now I feel like I ask so much of him when I'm actually scared to ask for anything of him at all. If that makes one iota of sense latefragment - thanks for the empathy. When you feel like the biggest fool in the world it's definitely something of a comfort to know you're not the only one who has doormat-ish tendencies. I can completely understand being drawn to the rebellious tendencies, not only generally in life but also with regard to relationships - the guy who doesn't immediately settle into a relationship is far more intruiging in the longer-term than the one who does. How fickle is that? But as Walk said, I don't think it is [solely] his unavailability that is attracting me, there's got to be more to it than that or else I would find the strength of mind to walk away immediately... I think I probably would've already. What a mess!
Walk Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 - but is it normal to feel like an overdemanding, nagging pain in the arse when doing this? I don't know why I do, because it's what everyone needs to do in a relationship -- I think he's just already made me feel like I'm demanding so much when I ask him for the smallest favour or gesture that now I feel like I ask so much of him when I'm actually scared to ask for anything of him at all. I'm not sure I'm understanding why you would feel you are asking him for too much. Is it because you feel it's putting unnatural constraints on him? Like asking him to change into something he's not? Or do you feel he's never asked you for anything, so therefore you can't ask him? Or do you mean that when you've asked for things in the past he's made you feel it was unacceptable to ask him for things you want? I wanted to wish you luck when you talk to him. Not sure if that already occured, or if it's later today... But good luck!
Author bridget Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 I'm not sure I'm understanding why you would feel you are asking him for too much. Is it because you feel it's putting unnatural constraints on him? Like asking him to change into something he's not? Or do you feel he's never asked you for anything, so therefore you can't ask him? Or do you mean that when you've asked for things in the past he's made you feel it was unacceptable to ask him for things you want? I wanted to wish you luck when you talk to him. Not sure if that already occured, or if it's later today... But good luck! I think it's the last of the possibilities you mentioned, and I know this is a problem. Asking him to do/be really simple, seemingly unimportant things always feels like walking a tightrope because our relationship (or non-relationship) is so utterly fragile. I know I have to tell him that I feel this way if anything is going to change, and/or work out for us. I haven't seen him yet, I'm just about to finish work and then will be going round to his flat in an hour or two. I'm hoping that I'll get some answers and hopefully either some sense of a new beginning, or a sense of closure. Thanks for the good luck wish; I'll be back to bore you... er, let you know how it goes, I'm sure. Thanks again for listening, though, I even bore myself with all this rambling
arniebuteft Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 You're pining and obsessing over a 30-year-old drug addict who couldn't afford to call you a few weeks ago, and was between jobs (fired from the last one?). You don't exactly appear to have great taste in men, but the good news is you can fix this immediately by ditching this loser and asking yourself why you ended up this far into the 'relationship' in the first place. If you stick around with this man, you'll be earning whatever heartache comes your way in the near future.
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