Used or just being a bit paranoid?

[bridget]

I know it's boring answering other people's pathetic little queries (and it IS pathetic) but I would really appreciate any outsider input I could get on this situation. Before anyone says it, I KNOW I'm being over-reactive but I know in myself that things aren't right and need to let it out.

 

So anyway, I've been seeing a fella for two months now. We met through mutual friends and get on fabulously; he's very affectionate and open with his feelings, and was talking about feeling that he could fall in love with me after a mere two weeks (during which we were pretty much inseperable). I'm not quite as forthcoming with my feelings, but I did feel and make clear that I really really liked him and his company and everything was happy as can be. After about a month we started getting heavier sexually though didn't sleep together as I told him I wished to wait a little longer until I was more comfortable, we did discuss why I have issues with sexual contact which is something I've never shared with anyone other than a family member before. I'm not sure why I did share it, now. He seemed so trusting and reassured me that he wanted to help and share the burden - which is that I was sexually abused by a family friend for over a decade - and I did feel a lot more comfortable with him after the fact. This was around the point where he started coming out with things like "I love you" and "you're my baby, I'll look after you" (it's worth pointing out at this point that I'm 20 and he just turned 30).

 

He came over on Saturday night just gone and we watched a film, I cooked a meal and then we went to bed. I was very nervous (as I always am the first time) but it all went alright... though it lasted approximately ten seconds before he came and then promptly rolled over and went to sleep (cheers for that). I wasn't too bothered though as I was tired anyway, and went to sleep. Woke up the next morning and he was pretty distant, had breakfast and then said he had to get home and sort things out before work. That I should call him later as he hasn't had his phone connected back up in his flat and also has no mobile phone minutes. I spent the morning sorting myself and my flat out and then called him once, to which he didn't pick up. I left it for the afternoon and went out for lunch with a friend, then when we were finished I called him again. He was pretty cold and though I didn't suggest going to his as I usually would, neither did he. He said to call him later and that was that. I didn't call later as I decided to go out and take my mind off things as I could feel myself slip into that anxious place I hate. I sent him an sms when I got in in the early hours of Monday morning and knew he wouldn't reply as he has no credit, but just said that I would call him in the morning. I tried, he didn't answer. I called once more, no answer. I'm not falling into the trap of giving him 24 missed calls, so I determined that I wouldn't call again. I haven't. He hasn't. It's now Tuesday afternoon and despite my best efforts to stay chilled out about it I'm starting to feel a little teary and upset. I wouldn't be at all bothered if this wasn't totally out of character for him... AND if it wasn't immediately after we'd had sex for the first time. I thought briefly that he might be a little embarassed about finishing so early, but he knows that wouldn't bother me and I can't understand why it would make him behave as so. Now I'm starting to think I might have been used. My friends say that he wouldn't have stuck around for two months on the chase just for sex... and even if he did he wouldn't just leave it at one quick romp. I'm not sure what to think. I know he'd have difficulty calling me as he's not easily in phone contact and is pretty poor at the moment, but if he really wanted to I know he could.

 

I'm just not sure what the situation is at all, and I despise game playing more than anything else. I don't know what my next move is; I'd love any perspective anyone can give. I can obviously provide more information about me, him, the relationship if necessary. I just didn't want to bore anyone.

 

Thanks in advance if anyone can help

[rina_r]

If he is not using you then I dont know what because he behaved like a total pig. I know it hurts but i would get rid of such guy. And you are right, if one really REALLY wants to do something (call, visit, etc.) they can find a way to do it.

[blind_otter]

Maybe he's embarasses at his sucky performance in bed? If that's not it, I would be suspicious. Personally I would call him a pig and never talk to him again even if he came begging for more attention.

[Guest]

I know it's boring answering other people's pathetic little queries (and it IS pathetic) but I would really appreciate any outsider input I could get on this situation. Before anyone says it, I KNOW I'm being over-reactive but I know in myself that things aren't right and need to let it out.

 

So anyway, I've been seeing a fella for two months now. We met through mutual friends and get on fabulously; he's very affectionate and open with his feelings, and was talking about feeling that he could fall in love with me after a mere two weeks (during which we were pretty much inseperable). I'm not quite as forthcoming with my feelings, but I did feel and make clear that I really really liked him and his company and everything was happy as can be. After about a month we started getting heavier sexually though didn't sleep together as I told him I wished to wait a little longer until I was more comfortable, we did discuss why I have issues with sexual contact which is something I've never shared with anyone other than a family member before. I'm not sure why I did share it, now. He seemed so trusting and reassured me that he wanted to help and share the burden - which is that I was sexually abused by a family friend for over a decade - and I did feel a lot more comfortable with him after the fact. This was around the point where he started coming out with things like "I love you" and "you're my baby, I'll look after you" (it's worth pointing out at this point that I'm 20 and he just turned 30).

 

He came over on Saturday night just gone and we watched a film, I cooked a meal and then we went to bed. I was very nervous (as I always am the first time) but it all went alright... though it lasted approximately ten seconds before he came and then promptly rolled over and went to sleep (cheers for that). I wasn't too bothered though as I was tired anyway, and went to sleep. Woke up the next morning and he was pretty distant, had breakfast and then said he had to get home and sort things out before work. That I should call him later as he hasn't had his phone connected back up in his flat and also has no mobile phone minutes. I spent the morning sorting myself and my flat out and then called him once, to which he didn't pick up. I left it for the afternoon and went out for lunch with a friend, then when we were finished I called him again. He was pretty cold and though I didn't suggest going to his as I usually would, neither did he. He said to call him later and that was that. I didn't call later as I decided to go out and take my mind off things as I could feel myself slip into that anxious place I hate. I sent him an sms when I got in in the early hours of Monday morning and knew he wouldn't reply as he has no credit, but just said that I would call him in the morning. I tried, he didn't answer. I called once more, no answer. I'm not falling into the trap of giving him 24 missed calls, so I determined that I wouldn't call again. I haven't. He hasn't. It's now Tuesday afternoon and despite my best efforts to stay chilled out about it I'm starting to feel a little teary and upset. I wouldn't be at all bothered if this wasn't totally out of character for him... AND if it wasn't immediately after we'd had sex for the first time. I thought briefly that he might be a little embarassed about finishing so early, but he knows that wouldn't bother me and I can't understand why it would make him behave as so. Now I'm starting to think I might have been used. My friends say that he wouldn't have stuck around for two months on the chase just for sex... and even if he did he wouldn't just leave it at one quick romp. I'm not sure what to think. I know he'd have difficulty calling me as he's not easily in phone contact and is pretty poor at the moment, but if he really wanted to I know he could.

 

I'm just not sure what the situation is at all, and I despise game playing more than anything else. I don't know what my next move is; I'd love any perspective anyone can give. I can obviously provide more information about me, him, the relationship if necessary. I just didn't want to bore anyone.

 

Thanks in advance if anyone can help

 

If this guy does not return calls or simply give you the time of day then its his problem not yours. You seem like a nice girl and you need to find someone who is appreciative of that. Trust me dont waste your time chasing someone and waiting for things to happen. Move on and find someone who is appreciative of you. Let the losers do thier own thing.

[AwkwardMan]

I think the age gap is a bit much, especially given your past experiences. I would try to connect with someone closer to my age. (18-25 seems more reasonable.)

 

As for this guy, forget about him.

[francis]

bridget, don't waste any more time and effort on this guy.

 

something obviously happened that altered his feelings quite dramatically. i'm just sorry that you had to go through sleeping with this pig before you had to experience this insensitive, horrible, rude behaviour.

 

you dont deserve to be treated that way. men like this give the rest a bad name.

 

honey, why waste your time on a 30 year old guy who cant even afford credit on his phone?

 

if after two weeks a guy is hinting towards i love you's...i'd also question his genuine intentions...

 

you should be thinking; 'next'!

 

waster.

 

p.s. its not pathetic. you'll learn to realise the genuine men from the losers, don't worry.

[rina_r]

honey, why waste your time on a 30 year old guy who cant even afford credit on his phone?

 

 

True. Maybe he was one of those jigolos and expected her to buy him a phone, and when she did not - he just turned away.

[typical]

I know it's boring answering other people's pathetic little queries (and it IS pathetic)

 

No, its not.

 

I know he'd have difficulty calling me as he's not easily in phone contact and is pretty poor at the moment, but if he really wanted to I know he could.

 

 

Right. Even if he is "dirt poor", could he not scrounge up 50 cents to make a phone call from a payphone? I find at least that much, if not more on my daily meanderings throughout the village. Could he not use a friends phone, a work phone? Could he not beg the use of a phone off of a clerk at a store? I mean, geez, could he not trade in aluminum (or plastic) bottles for enough to call you?! If its embarrassment, could he not jot a quick note and tape it to your door, or slide it under your door? How about email?

 

There is never a good reason for ignoring you especially after this delicate time, barring accident, death or prison of course.

 

I was very nervous (as I always am the first time)

 

Me too...I always wondered if this was just me, or because I was sexually abused.

 

My friends say that he wouldn't have stuck around for two months on the chase just for sex

 

Sure he would, apparently, that is just what he did. Some guys are so bored and sick in the head that they seek out women that are a challenge, especially pretty women (if that is you in your pic) with wounded pasts...that makes their sick little challenges that much more of a conquest in the end...

 

and even if he did he wouldn't just leave it at one quick romp.

 

dont bet on it...I have heard of many men who have left on a blow job or less.

 

honey, why waste your time on a 30 year old guy who cant even afford credit on his phone?

 

if after two weeks a guy is hinting towards i love you's...i'd also question his genuine intentions...

 

well said, francis..

 

True. Maybe he was one of those jigolos and expected her to buy him a phone, and when she did not - he just turned away.

 

 

 

awkwardman:I think the age gap is a bit much, especially given your past experiences. I would try to connect with someone closer to my age. (18-25 seems more reasonable.)

 

I dont think she should try to strike up anything with anyone in their "teen" years...18,19......they tend to be less focused and settled.

 

As for this guy, forget about him.

 

good advice.

[insomnie]

Is it possible he is married or in a serious relationship with someone else? Because maybe he wanted an affair, but as soon as the "real" cheating started he changed his mind.

 

WHATEVER his reason may be (short of death) I think you should run as fast as you can away form this guy. Just be glad you found out his true character this early on.

[Walk]

Has he called yet?

 

I've had similiar experiences in the past, and those were the guys who did the "duck and run". If you nailed them down, they'd talk. They'd be distant, not rude, but definitely not all warm and fuzzy toward me. There was an obvious change in their behavior. They didn't attempt to contact me, but would answer my calls and talk for a short while. Once I stopped calling, I never heard from them again.

 

I hate to judge someone based on their economic status... but unless he's going to grad school, or is undertaking something that will move his life up, I don't think there's a plausible reason for him to be so broke that he can't pay a cell bill. Leads me to believe that he's irresponsible with money, and far to lax on his work ethic to be of much support in a relationship. You don't want to financially carry a 30 year old man on your back for the rest of your life.

 

The only 30 something year old guys I know who are financially "troubled" at this age, are the ones with mental or drug problems. The rest get by. Might not be high living, but their basic bills are paid. (and I live in the state with the highest unemployment rate in the US)

[Chinook]

Bridget, I think he used you. I wouldn't call him anymore. You have to come to terms with the fact that you let your guard down and you took the risk... which to me is worth it every time. The fact is though, he used you and he abused that trust. He doesn't deserve any more of your time or energy. Put it down to experience and it is his loss, rather than your own. Your own plus out of this is that you've had a narrow escape (and that's without going into all the economics of the situation).

[Walk]

Not to mention... if he's actually embarressed by his piss poor performance and that's the reason he isn't calling, then basically he's setting his own feelings above yours. Would you really want a long term relationship with someone like that? He knew how vulnerable you were toward sex. You explained your concerns to him. If he had even an ounce of decency he would've set aside any of his personal problems to ENSURE that you felt comfortable and happy with your decision to share yourself with him. Isn't that what love is supposed to be about? Helping the person you love when you KNOW they have problems with something. Where was his help after the two of you had sex? He couldn't even stay awake long enough to make you feel special and loved. He placed his own feelings and desires above yours. You don't need someone like that in your life. And he, by far, does NOT deserve to have someone as wonderful as you.

[bridget]

bridget, don't waste any more time and effort on this guy.

 

something obviously happened that altered his feelings quite dramatically. i'm just sorry that you had to go through sleeping with this pig before you had to experience this insensitive, horrible, rude behaviour.

 

you dont deserve to be treated that way. men like this give the rest a bad name.

 

honey, why waste your time on a 30 year old guy who cant even afford credit on his phone?

 

if after two weeks a guy is hinting towards i love you's...i'd also question his genuine intentions...

 

you should be thinking; 'next'!

 

waster.

 

p.s. its not pathetic. you'll learn to realise the genuine men from the losers, don't worry.

 

Thanks for this. I've actually been a little feeble-minded and am still seeing him, though continue to have my reservations about him. He's very hot and cold, which is difficult because it makes it a lot more... difficult for me to just let it go despite knowing that I'm being extremely stupid and KNOW that is the case.

 

Is it possible he is married or in a serious relationship with someone else? Because maybe he wanted an affair, but as soon as the "real" cheating started he changed his mind.

 

WHATEVER his reason may be (short of death) I think you should run as fast as you can away form this guy. Just be glad you found out his true character this early on.

 

However much I don't know, I do know that he isn't married or otherwise involved. I agree with the second part of what you said, I'm not sure why I excuse it really. I guess now that I'm settled into a relationship (without being remotely settled, so how does that make sense?) I'm loathe to jump ship. How very sad.

 

Has he called yet?

 

I've had similiar experiences in the past, and those were the guys who did the "duck and run". If you nailed them down, they'd talk. They'd be distant, not rude, but definitely not all warm and fuzzy toward me. There was an obvious change in their behavior. They didn't attempt to contact me, but would answer my calls and talk for a short while. Once I stopped calling, I never heard from them again.

 

I hate to judge someone based on their economic status... but unless he's going to grad school, or is undertaking something that will move his life up, I don't think there's a plausible reason for him to be so broke that he can't pay a cell bill. Leads me to believe that he's irresponsible with money, and far to lax on his work ethic to be of much support in a relationship. You don't want to financially carry a 30 year old man on your back for the rest of your life.

 

The only 30 something year old guys I know who are financially "troubled" at this age, are the ones with mental or drug problems. The rest get by. Might not be high living, but their basic bills are paid. (and I live in the state with the highest unemployment rate in the US)

 

He's not going to school (although is considering it) and basically he's poor because he was fired and is between jobs. I have to say I have a lot more respect for him since it came out in a conversation the other day that he has had serious drug problems in his past (and was a bona fide "bad boy", kicked out at 16 etc) and was homeless for quite sometime. We both seem to have a lot of issues in our past - I do give him credit for now having his own flat etc. He was saying the other day that he's amazed that he even has a mobile phone, as five years ago it would've been worlds apart from where he was in his life. I really hope I'm not getting into a wanting to look after someone groove though, as that's definitely the last thing I need at the moment, it's that old cliche about nurturing I suppose. Or being something good in someone's otherwise s hit life. Hmm.

 

My problem really now is my own problem; that I don't feel remotely secure in the relationship and I know that's not the way it should be. He says all the right things, and wonders aloud all the time what on earth I'm doing with him (I don't think anyone would pair us on sight, or in terms of jobs, or aspirations... or anything. It's a mystery!) but STILL I feel like he's going to be up and away any second. Like it's all on his terms, if you see what I mean. I'm really not sure how to turn it around so it's more of any even playing field, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I don't have control issues myself, but I hate the idea of being controlled. Ah, maybe I'm just babbling now.

 

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words, it really means a hell of a lot.

[lindya]

Maybe he's embarassed at his sucky performance in bed?

 

I would also put my money on that being the reason.

[bridget]

Well I'm back again - and with another testament to trusting your instincts. I haven't seen him since the weekend and today when I called him up he was the rudest I have ever known anyone to be. I wouldn't speak to my worst enemy like that.

 

Anyway since he's now completely ignoring me - and still going away this weekend on the trip we were both supposed to go on (how he can afford that I have no idea) - I guess the decision is made for me. But it doesn't stop me feeling like a complete and utter fool, and pretty devestated to be honest. I would have rather had proper closure than this cowardly, tailing off end of a relationship that always seems to happen to me. I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with me since all the guys I get involved with seem to be completely spineless and just use me for what they can before dumping me - I don't even HAVE much that they can use me for, I'm not rich or famous or a supermodel. It's so frustrating. ARGH.

 

I feel like I should be glad since he only ever took, took, took. Money, asking me to bring groceries with me when he condescended to ask me round to his, every round in the pub, phone calls etc etc. But it doesn't stop the fact that I feel humiliated and hurt, and there isn't even anyone around I can turn to. Except the bottle, which I know is not a good idea.

[norajane]

Don't feel humiliated! You were just being yourself - kind, loving, warm, and generous. HE's the one who should feel humiliated, for being such a user and loser. Maybe he does feel that way - that's why he can't face you and speak to you honestly, and instead is rude in order to push you away.

 

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about being a good person.

[arc]

bridget I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I'm trying to process a similar situation myself right now. Out of curiousity, and I'm just after a yes/no answer, is this guy's initial's S M and is he from the area near York? There's a few too many similarities about this situation

[bonny doon]

i can't believe he went through all that effort just for one night of lame sex.

 

what a horrible loser.

 

i totally feel for you. i've had the same thing happen to me.

 

this guy i dated for a month ... seemed iinterested. of course ... it seemed to me to be about the sex. because he did the "duck and run".

 

a lot of guys have done similar to me (fortunately without sex involved) but it doesn't make it any easier.

 

WTF????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

anyway, i really feel for you. in fact i had a good cry on tuesday over a guy who i feel used me as well, but was oh-so-charming, lovable and snugglable ... until ... (we did not have sex but) .... ???? I don't know what. why do they do this????

 

they are *******s.

[tine_23]

I totally feel you girls!!! I was not abused by a family friends or member...or someone else...but my first boyfgriend did force me to have sex with him... I told him I don't know how many times to stop and he did it anyway.... I also have issues when it comes to sex now...

 

I had a "bf" who I went out with for a month...and when we finally had sex...he started to call less often..and since I didn't want him to dump me...I dumped him...he started to act all mad and didn't wanna talk to me anymore like if I had done something wrong... I truly loved him... he's the loser...

 

I decided that I'm not gonna trust anyone anymore... it's gonna take time... I trust too easily...

 

I used to feel ashamed of myself...I felt stupid... WE SHOULD NOT!

My mom always told me that when you do something bad to someone...it will always comes back to you...

 

I know it's bad...but I hope my ex gets to be used like I did...he feels like a champion because he got me into bed by lying and saying he loved me... I hope one day a girl does the same thing to him... he deserves it!

 

We should have pity for these guys... everytime I see my ex I look at him and I am proud of who I am...I am able to love and have true feelings... I know he's feeling all small inside cuz I am still standing and am still proud of who I am...and he knows he did something bad now... cuz I didn't him leave first...and I told him exactly what I thought of him at that time... he's a jerk!!!

 

[bridget]

bridget I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I'm trying to process a similar situation myself right now. Out of curiousity, and I'm just after a yes/no answer, is this guy's initial's S M and is he from the area near York? There's a few too many similarities about this situation

 

Late response to that, but no it's not the same guy. He's a W H from Newcastle, so if you ever come across one of those then proceed with caution.

 

But yes, sadly I am back again to beg yet more sage advice about this same guy, who I was so hopeful of being completely over a mere week ago. So if anyone would care to dispense some knowledge, my fountain has just about dried up. If you are going to attempt to read this pathetic saga then I recommend grabbing a strong coffee to accompany you - I can ramble on for England.

 

Anyway, we broke up maybe a little over a month ago. It was one of those awful scenarios where I already considered things "over" so went out for a girly night with friends. I bumped into him very late on (about 5am) when he came to the club and foolishly agreed to go back to his to thrash things out. He came at me with an absolute barrage of abuse; saying I was beautiful but have no personality, not dominant enough in the bedroom, not open to new things (which I would say I most definitely am, fwiw) etc etc. It probably makes little difference but it might be worth mentioning that he was coked up to the eyeballs. I got very upset, probably understandably, and said I was leaving. But the mind is strong, the flesh is weak and I did the worst thing - I SLEPT WITH HIM AFTER HE SAT GIVING ME ABUSE FOR HALF AN HOUR. Argh. After that I had a "what the HELL have I done" moment and said I was leaving (still very upset, like he cared) and he said "oh no, stay here, it's late and I'll drive you home in the morning". I don't know why on earth I did, I'm an idiot - I did. Very awkward following morning, we had a coffee and he drove me home. Lots of platitudes about how he'd only said those things so I would know how *I* could change to make future relationships more succesful. Hmm. Anyway, I somehow managed to keep it together and I got out of the car and went into my flat. Bit of a cry, lots of comforting chat from friends etc. I thought "I can get over this, I really can". A week went by, he messaged me a couple of times with random chat, I pegged this as his keeping me hanging so only replied once to an invitation to a mutual friend's surprise party - and very coldly at that. I started to feel a fortnight after (so this is two weeks ago) that I was actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and that this guy was actually going to be surprisingly easy to get over. Well...

 

The weekend before last I went out with friends to our usual club. I knew he wouldn't be there because this was the evening of our friend's party, or at least that he would get there very late and more than likely around the time I'd be leaving. I saw his sister and we had a chat - he hadn't even told her we'd split up which struck me as very bizarre since they're incredibly close - and then I ended up going back to a house party of one of our friend's. He obviously found out I'd gone there because he sent me another text saying "call me". I thought he could go f uck himself so I ignored it, and then I got another saying "I miss you" and it went on like that. I didn't reply, and ended up spending the night with a fella I used to have a "thing" with. Fair enough, I wanted to get my kicks and so did he, it wasn't the start of a beautiful relationship or anything. So the day after the morning after, he messaged me asking how things were going with that guy - in a very sarcastic tone. I said nothing was going on, just a bit of fun. He asked me if I fancied a quick drink that evening which I declined. That was the end of that.

 

I then (and if anyone is still with me here, I salute you) heard from him the next day saying he'd be in town for a few beers on the Friday night (last Friday) and if I was around we should catch up for one. I said maybe and we left it hanging. I went out on Friday with my girlies and we had an absolute blast, ended up at our usual club (packed full because of the new Uni term) where I clocked him straight away and did the duck and run - not ready (or drunk enough) to face him. Later on after a boogie and a few drinks I decided I would see if he was still around, he wasn't, so I got back on the dancefloor. Then I got a text saying "we left the club and are on the way back to the flat, do you want to come over?". This seemed to be out of the blue, but I just assumed he or someone else had seen me in the club without my knowledge and was now chancing his arm. I didn't reply immediately but then stupidly started to feeling like yes, I did want to see him, talk to him etc. So I spoke to my friends (all of whom said "no no NO"), didn't listen and got a cab over there. When I got there he was sitting in the dark in his underwear (attractive sight, that) and I could tell he was off his tits on something. Anyway I went into the hallway and we stood in his bedroom door - very very weird for me since I was so used to going into the flat and flinging myself on the bed, or making myself at home etc. Had to remind myself that it wasn't like that anymore, very strange. Anyway, he kissed me and I responded and then came to my sense and stopped him so we went to sit in the living room. He talked for ages about how much he'd missed me, and would understand if I hated him for behaving the way he did throughout our entire relationship. I was a lot more hard-faced than I usually am (I am incredibly weak in these situations) but I listened and didn't give him any answers or fall for any of it. So we went to bed, watched a bit of TV and talked. I told him I wouldn't be having sex with him, but I suppose he'd already "broken me" by the point I got into bed with him. He was doing all this hugging and crying and talking about how he didn't want to let me go again. I admit that I started to soften toward him, I have missed him and I am rubbish at sticking to my guns. So anyway we slept together, went to sleep, and when I woke up in the morning I expected him to be his usual, distant self as he always was in the mornings during our relationship. He was very forward, asking if I was prepared to give him another chance, that he'd be different and that he'd realised he was the one who needed to change. This will sound very big headed, but by all traditional standards I would say I'm very much "out of his league" and I think he realises that - however it means nothing to me, I think I care more about him because he's such a damn loser. I don't even want to imagine what this says about me

 

Anyway I had to leave fairly early, and I did. He texted me about an hour later saying he'd like to see me again if I was willing, and I said I'd think about it. I saw him briefly on Sunday in the pub but was going into town so we didn't really get a chance to get our heads together or anything.

 

I'm just not sure what my next move should be. Everyone is telling me that the reasons it ended haven't changed, and he'll do the same to me again another three months down the line. But I want to think the best of him, it felt so good to be with him and I have missed him every day despite having dated other guys in the interim. I'm just worried that as soon as I express interest in giving things another go he'll turn cold again; does it seem like that will happen? I don't understand why he'd be crying, saying he loved and missed me and then as soon as I profess anything like that he retreats. I have told him that I want everything in the open, no games or messing with each other's heads. I so desperately want to be with him, but only if he wants the same and I just can't tell. I don't want to bulldoze him into a conversation about it, I just want him to be able to talk to me outside of the bedroom... or his flat. Something that has always struck me as strange about him is that he hates being put into these emotionally exposing situations and conversations when he's not on his own territory. Should that be a red flag, or is that [relatively] normal? Is he going to dick me over as soon as I let my guard down? I just want perspective on this; because if that's what he's likely to do then there is absolutely zero chance of my guard coming down. I know that I am, in myself, open to this hurt once again already... but there's no way I'd let him know that. No way. I hate this feeling though because now I'm playing games and that's the last thing I want to do, but I feel like I actually have to withhold my feelings to get anywhere with him, or even begin to understand the way his mind is working.

 

Basically I have found that the typical not contacting him makes him really interested, and then as soon as I'm responding it's... well it's not that he isn't interested but everything becomes a lot more strained and difficult to work out. Is this normal behaviour? I know no one said relationships are easy, but this is really the hard slog. I would love to make it work, but I don't want to go completely insane trying to do so. Is there any way in the world I can swing this in my favour? Do I just need to give him time to see if he wants me or not, and then accept that fate? I know I can't actually force him to want me, but maybe what NOT to do would be the most useful stuff to know.

 

Oh, and I know he is far from a catch, everyone and their mother has been telling me that. I guess you really, really can't help wanting who you do, otherwise I'd have gone for his polar opposite.

 

Ok, the epic novel is finished. Anyone still awake?

[Walk]

I'm probably one of the worst people on here, because I'll advise people to fix situations rather than bail in most cases... but yours? The word Pain is in largely in your future if you continue to pursue this guy.

 

He's still using the drugs, so his behavior is going to be highly erractic.

He hasn't done anything to prove he's different, changed. Seems like he's good at blowing air toward you though.

He insults you, disrespects you, and dismisses you without a thought.

 

You're actually contemplating going back to him? Why? You like him because..... ? He makes you feel good about yourself? Makes you feel happy most the time? He causes you to believe you are someone great? He helps to make your life easier? Supports your dreams and goals? What does he do that actually helps you in life?

 

I think at some point you need to ask yourself what is best for you. Not do you want him to want you. But make a choice that will allow you to reach your fullest potential. How does this man fit into your life? How will it affect you both present and future?

 

It's something you need to take into consideration. We all have wants in our lives, but it doesn't always mean we should take that option. Sometimes we have to sacrifice a present want in order to gain what we really want in life.. and for you it sounds like a little more stability, far more respect, and real effort to be a more postive influence in your life is what you really want... If he can't provide that (and he hasn't yet) then you have to delay your instant gratification.

 

My suggestion... don't give him another shot. He's blown it several times already. If you refuse to listen to that advice, then the only other option is to tell him exactly what you want and need from him. Lay it out plainly and clearly. Establish your boundaries, clearly define the repercussions if he crosses them, and then ENFORCE those boundaries. (ie: leave, end the relationship for good)

 

It won't work if you continue to be a dormat. I haven't seen a single action on his part that says he respects you. He said a couple nice things to you... what has he really done to show you respect. Actions, not words. No respect... then you can kiss any potential for a healthy relationship good bye.

[bridget]

I'm probably one of the worst people on here, because I'll advise people to fix situations rather than bail in most cases... but yours? The word Pain is in largely in your future if you continue to pursue this guy.

 

He's still using the drugs, so his behavior is going to be highly erractic.

He hasn't done anything to prove he's different, changed. Seems like he's good at blowing air toward you though.

He insults you, disrespects you, and dismisses you without a thought.

 

You're actually contemplating going back to him? Why? You like him because..... ? He makes you feel good about yourself? Makes you feel happy most the time? He causes you to believe you are someone great? He helps to make your life easier? Supports your dreams and goals? What does he do that actually helps you in life?

 

I think at some point you need to ask yourself what is best for you. Not do you want him to want you. But make a choice that will allow you to reach your fullest potential. How does this man fit into your life? How will it affect you both present and future?

 

It's something you need to take into consideration. We all have wants in our lives, but it doesn't always mean we should take that option. Sometimes we have to sacrifice a present want in order to gain what we really want in life.. and for you it sounds like a little more stability, far more respect, and real effort to be a more postive influence in your life is what you really want... If he can't provide that (and he hasn't yet) then you have to delay your instant gratification.

 

My suggestion... don't give him another shot. He's blown it several times already. If you refuse to listen to that advice, then the only other option is to tell him exactly what you want and need from him. Lay it out plainly and clearly. Establish your boundaries, clearly define the repercussions if he crosses them, and then ENFORCE those boundaries. (ie: leave, end the relationship for good)

 

It won't work if you continue to be a dormat. I haven't seen a single action on his part that says he respects you. He said a couple nice things to you... what has he really done to show you respect. Actions, not words. No respect... then you can kiss any potential for a healthy relationship good bye.

 

Thanks for the response. You see, the teeny tiny part of my brain that is rational knows you're right. I have no idea why I'm behaving this way, if it was one of my friends then I'd be absolutely furious with them for being - as you said - a complete doormat. I know that's exactly what I am.

 

It's just so hard to stop myself, there's nothing there but then there's... something. I know that he's not going to change and that his actions toward me aren't ever going to improve - the words seem to come so easily to him, and he knows just what to say to manipulate me because he knows my deepest, darkest secrets and insecurities. I kind of wonder if the fact that I laid myself so bare with him is part of the reason I can't just let it slide - I feel ridiculously stupid for having confided in him, and now that I have I want to keep him close. Or something. But in my one working brain cell I do know that I have to cut my losses because while I feel upset about what he knows and having been so trusting, I'm only going to be more upset when he turns around in a few months time and changes his mind yet again. I just don't get it though.

 

Yeah the drugs are another big issue, too. I can't say anything about using drugs recreationally as that'd be hypocritical, but yeah, I don't want to hitch my wagon to a coke fiend... I suppose. Especially one who can't afford it and can't do anything in a way that even resembles moderation.

 

Why oh why am I doing this to myself? In the cold light of day I know exactly what I need to do, but it's those awful times late at night when I miss him. It's almost like a drug itself, I definitely need to kick the habit.

 

You're right that he does nothing for me. Pretty much every impact he has had on me has been negative, but I'm still focusing on the tiny crumbs of attention or nice behaviour he does throw my way. There is no sense to that whatsoever, I am obviously emotionally ****ed up... not that he's helping on that score.

[emmaUK]

he sounds like an utter twat.

 

i know how it feels though... i once had someone chase me for ages and ages.... he kept saying that he didnt jsut wanna sleep with me and he was looking for more then jsut sex and all of that crap.

this went on for a couple of month n then as soon as we did the wild thing.... the contact gradually stopped.

he prob rang about 3 times after that n one nite i text him and he didnt reply n never rang again and i never bothered to ring or text him..... i thought- whats the point, if a guy realyl likes me then he will make sure he lets me know about it so that there is no risk of me meeting someone else.

 

alot of male friend tell me that they know guys who get off on the chase... they say "its all about the chase" n then they lose interest.

 

has anyone read a book called "he's just not that into you"??

id say its a very good book for younge women and i would deff recommend reading it

[Walk]

I kind of wonder if the fact that I laid myself so bare with him is part of the reason I can't just let it slide - I feel ridiculously stupid for having confided in him, and now that I have I want to keep him close.

 

I can understand this.. Feeling like he knows your deepest darkest flaws and yet still accepts you for them. Every time he shows the slightest inclination that he wants you around, you feel valued for flaws and all. When he doesnt' want you around, you feel he's rejecting the whole you.. not just the small part of you that show everyone else. But the ENTIRE good, bad and ugly of you. So it means more to you that this guy accept and want you... It's needed in order to feel okay with yourself. That you aren't a screwed up bad person because he knows the real you, and he still wants you.

 

Is that kind of what you were saying?

 

Only way to really break that is to really accept the good and the bad inside you. Break the need for outside validation. But I think that's something that takes years to accomplish, not days. So you're going to have a hard struggle to not feel drawn to this guy over and over again.

 

I'm half way wondering if he isn't using you for the same type of validation and support. Kind of a negative reinforcement to each other. Best I can recommend is to lay it all out on the line for him.. what you want, what you will accept, what you are willing to give in return, and see if he's willing to put in the effort to take this from a self-destructive relationship to something a little healthier. I dont' feel this is the best option to take. The coke habit makes everything impossible to change... Unless he could honestly get off the stuff, then there's no hope of any kind of relationship. I'd make that the first item to address if he wants to pursue a relationship with you. No more coke.

 

You seem pretty hard headed ( ) about not cutting this off.

[bridget]

he sounds like an utter twat.

 

i know how it feels though... i once had someone chase me for ages and ages.... he kept saying that he didnt jsut wanna sleep with me and he was looking for more then jsut sex and all of that crap.

this went on for a couple of month n then as soon as we did the wild thing.... the contact gradually stopped.

he prob rang about 3 times after that n one nite i text him and he didnt reply n never rang again and i never bothered to ring or text him..... i thought- whats the point, if a guy realyl likes me then he will make sure he lets me know about it so that there is no risk of me meeting someone else.

 

alot of male friend tell me that they know guys who get off on the chase... they say "its all about the chase" n then they lose interest.

 

has anyone read a book called "he's just not that into you"??

id say its a very good book for younge women and i would deff recommend reading it

 

I haven't read it, it's mentioned A LOT though so I might have a snoop on Amazon and see if I can get it on the cheap. Sounds interesting!

 

I agree with what you've said, the chase does seem to be a big element for many guys. The weird thing with this bloke is that he doesn't seem like that, and has had fairly stable past relationships (at least from what he's told me, and from hearsay) which is what makes me think that it's me, rather than him, that is the problem. He confuses me greatly, very "hot and cold" in the way that men always accuse women of being. I would seriously rather he told me to eff off than all this coming and going, I'm on edge constantly -- especially when I'm out, since he pops up everywhere I am.