gagoots Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I apologize in advance, this may be long, but only because its complicated... I am currently divorcing my high school sweetheart. It was a marriage that really never worked, but ultimately, he developed several emotional relationships with other women, some physical. I was deeply hurt by his betrayal yet still "loved" him (what I thought was love at the time was really just comfort) and after lots of attempts to make it work for the kids sake, we decided to split. And it was the best decision for both of us. Things are very amicable. Since we have been together since high school we have a common circle of friends - always have. His best friend moved away while we were still in high school, but we always kept in touch by phone and saw him every few years. Three years ago the bf married and moved back to our area (different state, but within driving distance) and we saw him more often. I have always been attracted to him and just generally intrigued by him. We always had wonderful, stimulating conversations, have the same sense of humor, and genuinely understand each other. The bf and I became very close friends as well in the last three years - and he is now one of MY best friends as well, not just friends by association. When my husband moved out of the house, the bf came to help, and stayed with me for the weekend. We just hung out like always, joking around, having fun...but this time I felt this kind of electricity between us, a sense of closeness that I had never noticed before. I dismissed it because maybe I was so emotional about the breakup of my marriage that I was imagining things. We continued to talk all the time, and one day I decided to mention it to him. It turns out that he has loved me for a long time, but since I was "taken", he just moved on with his life. And for the first time, I realized that the intrigue I had about him really was something more. Eventually we met up, and things turned physical. It was an amazing experience, but our connection is not based on the physical attraction (even though its there). Unfortunately, now I am the OW. He says he loves us both, but doesnt know who he is IN love with. And he knows that he has to figure that out. This weekend I brought my kids to visit his wife and kid for the weekend. I saw for the first time how miserable he is in his own marriage and at times she felt invisible. Like it was just me, him, and the three kids. And I could totally see a good life together. She is not the right person for him. I'm not saying that I am, but....I fell in love with him this weekend. My feelings elevated beyond a mere attraction. So after I returned home, I told him that we had to stop this affair until he could figure out what he wanted. It took all of the strength in my body to do it, but he completely understood. I couldnt be the OW, and I cant abuse myself by investing in a relationship that may not result in anything. He says he will be happy if he can fix his marriage, but he would be happy with me as well. He needs to figure it all out. I am truly in love with this man. I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I have lost my right arm. I want so much to be with him. A relationship with him would feel so right, yet right now is so impossible. How do I move on? Especially since I still talk to him on a daily basis - we're best friends after all. And he wants my advice on how to work through things with his wife. And I've been giving it...honest advice, even if it conflicted with my own emotions and feelings of love.
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 If he wants advice on how to work things out with his wife, advise him to go to marriage counselling. Don't get personal with him that way, because one day you'll find yourself feeling more hurt that he's choosing her over you. Plus, by becoming "personal" with him, discussing things that really shouldn't be discussed with you - Opens the door for more feelings and closeness. It's not cool to have a bestfriend who is a guy, he's married. And especially when it's your husband's bestfriend. DO you think your husband will get upset? I think so. Imagine if the situation was reversed. It was you moving out and your bestfriend started getting cozier with your husband. Not only would you be pissed at your H, but your bf for getting involved. There is no good that can come of this right now. If the guy's marriage doesn't work out and gets a divorce, then possibly you two can get closer, but in the meantime, you need YOUR girlfriends and family to help you, not your husband's bestfriend.
newbby Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 DO you think your husband will get upset? I think so. Imagine if the situation was reversed. It was you moving out and your bestfriend started getting cozier with your husband. Not only would you be pissed at your H, but your bf for getting involved. excuse me, but her husband cheated on her with several ow throughout their marriage, she has still been reasonable with him, and she now has to put his possible feelings before her own happiness? however, gagoots, i dont think you should be being his marriage counsellor and he should not expect you to take on that role, it is unfair. you are effectively telling him that your feelings dont count as much as his. its fairly common in these relationships, we feel guilty etc, and we try to shove our feelings aside, try not to come across as selfish , because we secretly suspect that further down the line he may resent us if he makes a "wrong" choice...oh so many reasons....BUT dont do it. why should you??? you have feelings too, and there is nothing wrong with that, so long as you dont go over emotional and crazy. there is furthermore, nothing wrong with stating what you want, and then leaving it at that.. then leave his marriage problems where they belong, with him! my ex mm used to play this one, and although it certainly was not a fairy tale romance, it still messed with my mind. ok, so the best thing for you to do a this point is NC, no contact. he should work it out, but if you want a conversation beforehand then keep it simple.. someone else could probably offer you better advice on this one.
newbby Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=94408
Guest Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 This weekend I brought my kids to visit his wife and kid for the weekend. I saw for the first time how miserable he is in his own marriage and at times she felt invisible. Like it was just me, him, and the three kids. And I could totally see a good life together. She is not the right person for him. To me it was VERY disrespectful to invade her home in that manner so that you could size her up. You would be furious if someone were to do that to you. You also couldn't possibly know if she is the right person or not for him over the course of a weekend. People with degrees need longer than that to make such an assessment. She may not be acting in the manner she usually does because of your presence. She may of noticed things were off and was subconciously reacting to that. The truth is you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors in their marriage.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I agree with Guest. Latching on to the first available guy before your husband was even out of the door… Pretending to be just a benign friendly guest while making yourself comfortable in the home of the woman who's husband you've been screwing… Pretending that she was invisible while imagining what it would be like to step into her shoes. Even going so far as to include her child in this warped little family fantasy of yours. It's really a shame that you are in such an emotional funk that you don't even realize how creepy this is. Or that you're totally unaware that you're being taken advantage of as much as the wife. You just got rid of one cheater … and now you're in a hurry to replace him with another. Could it be because you've never been alone, and are scared because you don't know how to be? For your children's sake, you really ought to consider getting some counseling to help sort yourself out before you jump from the frying pan right into the fire. Especially if you intend to drag them into this mess with you.
Author gagoots Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Thank you all for your honest feedback. I have spoken to him and made it clear that we have to revert back to before our relationship became physical. We can still be friends just like before, but I will not entertain conversations regarding problems he is having with his wife, and we cannot talk about anything physical about/between us. He told me that us being together is the way it “should” be – and he was being completely sincere. Both of us should have done things differently 5 years ago, but because we didn’t, we are faced with this current situation. And we both realize that being together is simply impossible right now. You must remember that we have been best friends for a VERY long time, and above all else, neither of us wants to lose that friendship. Just to clear something up, I was not flaunting/spying/invading his home when I went to visit. I already knew of the problems he and his wife were having. I already knew that he married her for the wrong reasons (I went through their courtship and marriage with him – my comments about her weren’t simply based on my observations over one weekend). I wasn’t there to justify anything to me OR him. I was there so our children could have an enjoyable weekend together. I’ll admit however that I WAS being a little too optimistic. It is not fair to create this fantasy family. I still love him. I am absolutely sure of it. And I’m not accustomed to not getting what I want. I find myself rather blue the last few days as a result. We COULD have something so good, so special, so right. And maybe it’s true that I don’t know HOW to be alone, and that I’m “latching” on to him. This short “relationship”, as creepy as it was, made me feel so alive again, it made me feel so wanted. But it wasn’t only about that… It was the freedom I felt I had to finally disclose my feelings for him after soooo many years. It was the surprise that he felt just as strongly for me all these years. Our attraction to each other is so much more than a physical one I know what I have to do. Since yesterday morning we have spoken only one time, which is more consistent with our frequency of conversations before this started. And the one short time we did speak, it was on more general topics. I am finding this so much harder than I expected. I just want to speak to him all the time. I want to profess my love for him. I want to jump in the car and drive the 250 miles to go see him. I want to be in his arms and kissing his lips. I just need to find the self-control to keep me from picking up the phone, and from thinking about him 24/7, not just for my sanity, but for the sake of my children Thanks to all of you for “straightening me out”. I’ll probably be coming back to keep me on track. The fact that he is such a good friend means that I can’t talk to anyone else about this, for fear that it would get back to his wife. I would simply be devastated and de-moralized if she found out (I suppose I should have thought of that before though).
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