Might cave...

[wintercs]

so I feel like I'm being fake. This whole NC seems to be makign my life worse, not better. I feel like I should let her know that (a) I've been thinking about her; (b) that I miss her, and; © that I hope her summer has been going well. Although I'm upset that our relationship didn't make it [for now at least], I'm not "mad" or angry at her nor do I feel as though I should shut her off like a water faucet...yeah not that good of an analogy...

 

I thought about IMing her and saying something like the following...ahem:

 

hey i know that you're probably avoiding talking to me - and that's understandable - but I just wanted to say hi and that I've been thinking about you recently...hope your summer has been going well and that everything is cool at home....you don't need to reply if you don't want - i understand - but you know how to get a hold of me if you do...take care - bye

 

your thoughts....

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

your thoughts....

 

My thoughts anyway, are that if you want to talk to her so much and there are things that you want to tell her, then tell her.

 

That message you wrote sounds fantastic.

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

[johnnytable]

This is funny, I have been felling the exact same way the past few days. I'm still wresting with it.

 

I don't know your story or how long you have been broken up. However, I feel that sending a message like this is wrong. The time is to heal, and I'm sorry but you need to do that on your own without involving her.

 

Also, it seems a bit selfish. It seems like you are sending the message in order to get a reply from their point of view (I'm not saying that you are). You acknowledge that the other person is probably avoiding you, yet you are contacting them anyway. This isn't respecting them.

 

On the otherhand, perhaps what you are doing them is forgiving them which is an important part of healing. But you can do this on your own without them.

 

So bottom line is that I need to think about it a bit more.

[johnnytable]

P.S. Things typically get worse before they get better. Staying in contact just makes them EVEN worse.

 

You are inviting her to contact you. I'm not sure that you really want this, although it would feel good short term.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

You guy make this sound like the new science.

 

I think it's easier to be normal.

 

Ariadne

[richardcruz]

I too am not familiar with your story but apparently you have already taken the first step to getting over her and started NC. But NC means No contact i.e. not txts, aim, emails, calls etc. Stay true to yourself because now it really all about you at this point. I know how you feel about the whole NC thing and at first it feels pointless and you feel as if she's going to forget about you. Even at times it may seem that you are making a mistake by not remaining in contact with her but your not. Most of the things that you are telling her in your email are probably things that she already knows. Im guessing that she was the one that left you (again im not familiar w your story) and you probably expressed some type of distress about the decision that she made. If this is in fact is the case then I'm sure she knew that you would be hurt and that you were going to miss her but she still made her choice. Also, I'm sure she also knows how to get a hold of you so she need not be reminded. If she really wants to contact you she will on her own. I know all this sounds kind of blunt but sometimes the truth kind of hurts. Maybe you still feel that there maybe a glimmer of hope by remaining in the picture even in the smallest of ways i.e. emailing her. Or maybe you feel that saying the right choice of words will spark something in her and things will sudden ly work the way you wish they would. I thought like this for 3 long monthsuntil I finally realized that nothing I could say or do would ever bring her back. She left our relationship, so it would be her choice to come back. My advice to you is to not send the email and to remain NC. I know it feels fake but whats the use of expressing your feelings and emotions to someone that left you. Keep busy..Stay strong.. Stay NC.

 

1 month and a week of NC and everyday gets a bit easier

[wintercs]

First, let me say that I backed off my "I'm going to cave" sentiments - you're right, I was being selfish and initiating contact would have only dug myself a hole.

 

Haha, amazing how things work.

 

I was logged into GMail and saw that she was online. Of course, I didn't say anything, but then all of the sudden there came a pop-up..here's the convo:

 

[COLOR=#888888]9:00 AM [/COLOR]her: hey

[COLOR=#888888]9:01 AM [/COLOR]i can't talk too long, but i wanted to tell you that today i have my 2nd round interview with xxxxx [a company that she really wants to work for and I helped her with her resume and supported her when we were together, etc etc]

 

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]me: congrats. good luck.

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]her: thank you

[COLOR=#888888]9:02 AM [/COLOR]what's new with you hun

[COLOR=#888888]9:04 AM [/COLOR]me: lots...the newest being that as of 1201 this morning i officially have possession of my apartment

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]her: haha

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]when do you move in to it

[COLOR=#888888]9:05 AM [/COLOR]me: well im going to be gradually taking stuff up - i'm going to start diong that friday

[COLOR=#888888]9:06 AM [/COLOR]and i'm all by myself - no roommates...so this ought to be fun

[COLOR=#888888]9:08 AM [/COLOR]her: well you don't have to worry about bad roomies at least

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]hey i'm gonna try to go eat something before my long commute into dc here

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]i'll talk to ya later hun

[COLOR=#888888]9:09 AM [/COLOR]me: ok. good luck. be yourself...you'll do great

 

 

 

 

so there you have it. Does this change anything? She obviously thoght of me and made the connection between her success and I..at least in some kind of convoluted way. She told me that she thought that I was more "long term" material than short term and thought that she liked the fact that I was driven by success and would be able to support her (I'm going to law school and hope to become a successful lawyer...just because I'm going to law school doesn't mean that I'll be rich, nor does it mean that I'll become a scumbag).

 

I don't know. I don't know what all this means.

 

Regarding the apartment referenced: I specifically mentioned the no roommates thing because she specifically told me once how cool it would be to visit me and we would have the place to ourselves...wink wink. Who knows, maybe that will happen, but probably not.

 

How do you think I did in the convo? I tried not to gush and be "boyfriendy" but at the same time show her support and what not. After all, I do love her and I do want her to be happy and successful...preferably with me! haha.

 

BTW, when she asked "what's new" and I said "lots," that was partially a lie...I wanted to make sure that I appeared like my life has been going full speed.....and I didn't ask about her. Should I follow up with her or anything or just go back to the new day 1 of NC....?

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I think you sounded great in the talk.

 

Should I follow up with her or anything or just go back to the new day 1 of NC....?

 

It depends on what you want. Do you "want" to follow up? Then do.

 

Ariadne

[johnnytable]

You see, even this small amount of contact is messing with your head. Reading that conversation, I would say that it means nothing.

 

However you are trying to find meaning in it, which is impossible. Maybe it *does* mean something, but who really knows? And if you ask, you wouldn't get a straight answer.

 

You are trying to analyze things.

 

If you don't have contact for awhile, then you have no new things to analyze, which is fine given that you probably have enough to think about as is!

[wintercs]

Yeah, I am analyzing this. I can't help but analyze it. It's hard for me to figure out what to make of this given the situation. The last time that NC was broken, she initiated contact...the night before her birthday when I was supposed to come and visit (we were still together). And now she breaks the contact in a wierd way - why would she feel as though I would need to know about her job interview? Doesn't that seem a bit odd? I mean why would she contact me at all, let alone tell me about her job interview...? Do you see where I'm going with this? I'm not trying to be overanalytical right now, I'm just saying that for an ex-gf to contact me almost after a whole month of NC and break in with "I have this interview" seems a little bit out of the ordinary. When we were together she would update me on stuff like that, but that was then, this is now.

 

I'm really feeling like I need to just send her a thoughtful email letting her know what I'm feeling and stuff. I'm not going to plead and try to get her to come back or anything like that, I just feel like I need some perspective and I think that's what's been lacking this whole time for me. I feel like I wouldn't know what to say if I ran into her (she doesn't live near me - in fact two states away) and tried to hold a decent conversation.

 

I know I'm rambling so I'm just going to shut up and let my thoughts marinate for a little bit.

[LaraV]

Yeah, I am analyzing this. I can't help but analyze it. It's hard for me to figure out what to make of this given the situation. The last time that NC was broken, she initiated contact...the night before her birthday when I was supposed to come and visit (we were still together). And now she breaks the contact in a wierd way - why would she feel as though I would need to know about her job interview? Doesn't that seem a bit odd? I mean why would she contact me at all, let alone tell me about her job interview...? Do you see where I'm going with this? I'm not trying to be overanalytical right now, I'm just saying that for an ex-gf to contact me almost after a whole month of NC and break in with "I have this interview" seems a little bit out of the ordinary. When we were together she would update me on stuff like that, but that was then, this is now.

 

I'm really feeling like I need to just send her a thoughtful email letting her know what I'm feeling and stuff. I'm not going to plead and try to get her to come back or anything like that, I just feel like I need some perspective and I think that's what's been lacking this whole time for me. I feel like I wouldn't know what to say if I ran into her (she doesn't live near me - in fact two states away) and tried to hold a decent conversation.

 

I know I'm rambling so I'm just going to shut up and let my thoughts marinate for a little bit.

 

Winter, I think I understand your confusion with not so much the contact itself (which, obviously, you are going to analyze) but with the subject of the contact itself. I myself had a similar situation a few weeks back when my ex (who left me) sent me an innocent, casual, non-commital e-mail about his weekend plans and then ended the e-mail with a casual "so how's work?" Considering we had just broken up less than a month ago at that time, it just seemed really out of place. Like, "Ok, what are you trying to do?" Anyway, I drew my own conclusions, gave him the benefit of the doubt and just assumed that he meant well. Of course, the e-mail was very painful to me, seeing that in my head he was just "casualizing" away the break up - almost like he wanted to me to just ignore that fact and keep chatting with him as if nothing happened.

 

I posted about that situation here, and someone made a very interesting observation that I'm going to impart to you for your consideration. It could be just what it seems to be. She just IM-d you because to her it was not a big deal. If she wasn't as invested in the relationship as much as you were - and her actions indicate that - then to her IM-ing you is no big deal - it's just her way of saying "Oh, guess what, I'm going to this interview..."

 

What I'm saying is that it may mean nothing to her, and unfortunately you're here analyzing what it meant, when to her, probably, meant very little. It sucks, doesn't it? Careful with reading too much into it. It may be that it just is what it is.

[LaraV]

The other thing is, Winter, that no matter what she says or does (or doesn't do) right now, it's going to hurt you. Even something as simple as a few lines will drive you crazy - if not with over-analyzation, then with the bubbling of all the raw feelings you're naturally experiencing. I guess that's why NC is the way to go, though I realize, from reading countless threads here on LS, that it's not for everyone.

[Winfield]

You see, even this small amount of contact is messing with your head. Reading that conversation, I would say that it means nothing.

 

However you are trying to find meaning in it, which is impossible. Maybe it *does* mean something, but who really knows? And if you ask, you wouldn't get a straight answer.

 

You are trying to analyze things.

 

If you don't have contact for awhile, then you have no new things to analyze, which is fine given that you probably have enough to think about as is!

 

^^^ He's right - you are over analyzing. All that conversation was about was passing the time of day...

 

In fact, I spoke to one of my female colleagues earlier about nothing other than work - now, what do you think my chances are of marrying her?

 

OK, 10/10 for sarcasm, but do you see where I'm coming from?

 

Obviously, you want to talk to her - so, talk to her...but be prepared for the backlash when she dashes your hopes of reconciliation. Having read some of your earlier posts about her, I think you're looking for something which simply isn't there any more. All the covert "checking up" on her on MySpace (a place for virtual friends [TM]) is taking things to the extreme...and besides, if you were to get back together, where's the trust?

 

In my opinion, it's long gone.

 

Now, do yourself a huge favour and move on!

[wintercs]

Lara,

 

Thanks for your perspective. I think you may be right: It's just an innocuous/innocent communication. I still can't help but find it striking that she would "lead off" with that after about a full month's NC.

 

I think what's making it worse for me is that I tried to play it "cool" and not be the guy that she remembers. This makes me want to spill the beans, so to speak, on my feelings.

 

I just got some emails saying that people have posted replies, so I'm gonna cut it off and read some of your great advice...thanks.

[wintercs]

I'm just realizing that as much as I hate to say this (and how before I thought that girls were worthless....I'm sorry....this one changed me though!) - I feel like I miss having a girl...just someone I can share my life with and yaddi yadda yadda.

 

There, I said it.

[Winfield]

I'm just realizing that as much as I hate to say this (and how before I thought that girls were worthless....I'm sorry....this one changed me though!) - I feel like I miss having a girl...just someone I can share my life with and yaddi yadda yadda.

 

There, I said it.

 

But there's having a girl, and having a girl for all the wrong reasons...

 

Just because she's "there" doesn't mean to say she's right for you (or, you right for her)...

[wintercs]

That's true...

 

To be sure, we had a very healthy and enjoyable relationship. It was based on friendship like good relationships should be based on (at least in my opinion). But when I had a bad day or things were stressful - and really just because you can't be affectionate (I'm not talking sexual) with your "normal friends" - it was nice to have her there...and I miss that.

 

But don't get me wrong, I can't substitute "her" with any girl off the street, it was the fact that she is who she is that made me feel like a million bucks.

 

The reason I said what I said in the last post is because it's nice to have someone to open up to and to be completely honest with, ya know? I'm not trying to be patronizing, I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this and what's making me feel the way I am feeling.

[Winfield]

But don't get me wrong, I can't substitute "her" with any girl off the street, it was the fact that she is who she is that made me feel like a million bucks.

 

And girls like that are rare (ie, unique to us [as individuals] as someone special)...but not impossible to come by.

 

And, believe it or not, there is more than one...and better than the one you're posting about, may I add. Besides, if she was that perfect for you, you wouldn't be posting here, would you?

 

Have patience.

 

Do you think she'd be flattered that you thought about her so much after you broke up? I wouldn't think so...

[wintercs]

Winfield I think that you're right.

 

I'm someone that usually thinks with their head first, heart second...with her, I led with my heart which was really odd for me to do, especially since I wasn't "looking" or "in the market" for a gf (I mean, I'll be honest, I wouldn'thave minded a 'special' friend, but not a gf) but I was drawn so close to her that it just...happened.

 

I feel like my head is ready to move on and I"m ready to meet new people and new challenges, but my heart just isn't there yet. Part of my problem is that I've been somewhat bored this summer...and that's partially due to the fact that I work a full time job and don't do a whole lot other than hit up the gym after work.

 

In a way, it didn't suprise me that she broke up with me. I knew that the distance was going to have an impact and that at our young stage in life and only after about 6 months of being together, I knew that she couldn't make the sacrafice of moving closer to me...nor did I think that would have been a wise move. (That's my head talking.) Still, to say that I was heartbroken when she broke the news to me is an understatement. I used to be the guy that was like "screw girls, they're not worth my time, I have such bad lucky anyway, blah blah blah" but she changed that mentality.

[LaraV]

Winfield I think that you're right.

 

I'm someone that usually thinks with their head first, heart second...with her, I led with my heart which was really odd for me to do, especially since I wasn't "looking" or "in the market" for a gf (I mean, I'll be honest, I wouldn'thave minded a 'special' friend, but not a gf) but I was drawn so close to her that it just...happened.

 

I feel like my head is ready to move on and I"m ready to meet new people and new challenges, but my heart just isn't there yet. Part of my problem is that I've been somewhat bored this summer...and that's partially due to the fact that I work a full time job and don't do a whole lot other than hit up the gym after work.

 

In a way, it didn't suprise me that she broke up with me. I knew that the distance was going to have an impact and that at our young stage in life and only after about 6 months of being together, I knew that she couldn't make the sacrafice of moving closer to me...nor did I think that would have been a wise move. (That's my head talking.) Still, to say that I was heartbroken when she broke the news to me is an understatement. I used to be the guy that was like "screw girls, they're not worth my time, I have such bad lucky anyway, blah blah blah" but she changed that mentality.

 

Winter - One way to cope with this phenomenon of the "heart" not being in sync with the "intellect" is to realize that it's perfectly nomal - and it even has a name! It's called "emotional lag." It's been proven that when dealing with loss, the brain is way faster than the "emotional core" to process things and understand what's going on. It takes the emotions a while to catch up with that reality - usually A LOT longer. It's a good sign that you can think with your head and that you know that you need to move on and that you'll be OK, but give your emotions time and patient to catch up with that realization. Just be patient; it's hurt like a b*tch in the meantime, but we'll all get there eventually.

[wintercs]

Lara,

 

Pardon my forthrightness, but can I ask your age? You seem to have very good advice and have provided me with a great perspective to understand things.

[LaraV]

lol!

 

Winter - I'm pretty young - I'm in my late twenties. I'm fortunate that my dad is a psychotherapist (and philosopher at heart!) and his help has been tremendous all my life in helping me understand what I'm going through when experiencing hardships of any kind. Other than that - I guess it's just my own "experience" (i.e., mistakes) and common sense talking. This board is great. There are some individuals here with a great grasp on life and relationship issues. I've found this site tremendously helpful, and I think you'll find great advice here from many others.

[wintercs]

Well Lara, I have a good question for you then.

 

I would consider myself the "traditional nice guy." I'm not trying to gloat or make myself sound good, but I take care of my women; not in the sense that I spend thousands and thousands of dollars on them, but in the sense that I attempt to treat them very well. Sadly, however, I'm a believer in the phrase "nice guys finish last" - and I'm not talking about sex (plus it's hard when only 30% of women come during sex).

 

Anyway, I heard on TV once that the reason "nice guys finish last" is because most nice guys are pushovers. I'm wondering if I fit into this boat and, if so, how can I not be a pushover but maintain my character and integrity?

 

(this sounds like it should be a question for Dear Abbey)

[Diver012]

Well Lara, I have a good question for you then.

 

I would consider myself the "traditional nice guy." I'm not trying to gloat or make myself sound good, but I take care of my women; not in the sense that I spend thousands and thousands of dollars on them, but in the sense that I attempt to treat them very well. Sadly, however, I'm a believer in the phrase "nice guys finish last" - and I'm not talking about sex (plus it's hard when only 30% of women come during sex).

 

Anyway, I heard on TV once that the reason "nice guys finish last" is because most nice guys are pushovers. I'm wondering if I fit into this boat and, if so, how can I not be a pushover but maintain my character and integrity?

 

(this sounds like it should be a question for Dear Abbey)

 

I just finished reading a book called "No more Mr. Nice Guy" It was a very good book and was very insightful. I highly recommend you pick it up. You can find it on Amazon.com

 

Its not about being a jerk, but more about being true to your feelings and desires... I highly recommend you pick it up.

 

Good Luck!

[LaraV]

Well Lara, I have a good question for you then.

 

I would consider myself the "traditional nice guy." I'm not trying to gloat or make myself sound good, but I take care of my women; not in the sense that I spend thousands and thousands of dollars on them, but in the sense that I attempt to treat them very well. Sadly, however, I'm a believer in the phrase "nice guys finish last" - and I'm not talking about sex (plus it's hard when only 30% of women come during sex).

 

Anyway, I heard on TV once that the reason "nice guys finish last" is because most nice guys are pushovers. I'm wondering if I fit into this boat and, if so, how can I not be a pushover but maintain my character and integrity?

 

(this sounds like it should be a question for Dear Abbey)

 

Well, first of all, I recommend that "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book that every man on this board keeps talking about. I haven't read it myself, but I hear it's pretty good.

 

As for that idea that "nice guys finish last" - hmm, I have a different take on that whole thing. I don't think the problem is that a guy is nice. Who doesn't want a nice person around?! I think the right phrase is that "non assertive guys finish last" - and this just doesn't include the idea that a man should be the first one to make a move, etc. - I think the idea is that, as you said, you should not be a pushover and always set boundaries. That means that you should value yourself enough to make others respect you and treat you the way you should be treated. Being "nice" is not the problem; the problem is if you just let people take "advantage" of that and walk all over you.

 

For example, my ex-fiance of a prior years back was very "giving." Honestly, he treated me like a queen in every respect, but he never let me walk over him. If he ever felt that I was taking him for granted, or that somehow I might have disrespected him, he would let me know in very clear terms. He would come right out and say, "Hey, I don't like how you don't show up on time and don't call ahead to say you're running late" and stuff like that. He made boundaries and expressed them very clearly. He was not a jerk (he was very "nice"), he just made others, including me, respect him. And I think that makes big difference. Does this kind of make sense?