jonesgirly Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Yeah. Jonesgirly here, the one that married her 'soulmate'/high school crush in 2002. He had an EA (not sure if PA) with a 24yr old co-worker lasting over a year, beginning when we had been married less than two years. His affair was uncovered last July, when she attended our annual summer party and was OBVIOUSLY made to feel 'welcome' by my husband. Lots of interesting twists and turns to the emotional rollercoaster I've been on for the last year. The most significant issue has been my belief that he has really not shown any genuine remorse or sincere effort to repair the damage. In fact, he continues to this DAY to 'not remember' any real information about their relationship. He has insisted that he 'didn't know what to do' in order to fix things, despite being given just about every link, article and book on the market. Of course, he never read any of it. But what I learned in the last couple of days may explain why. I had confided in him regarding an indiscretion on my part while I was married to my extremely dysfunctional ex-H (he cheated on me with everyone at our place of employment - including my assistant!). Its a long story, you can read it through my profile if you're really bored. Anyway, I had told him how I had a ONS while on a business trip to California, more than 10 years ago, BEFORE he and I had even spoken to each other. This guy was the son of the owner (it sounds more complicated than it is), and of course, still works with me. It was stupid, I regretted it immediately, but got over it and we have been very good friends since. We never speak of it, and have both just put it out of our minds. I think it was a big mistake to be so honest with my H about my past. I had also mentioned that his dad (company owner) had seemed to have a 'crush' or whatever on me since before I worked there (20 years ago). We had met up at a park before I married 16 years ago, but nothing more since. Apparently, my husband took my story-telling as "bragging" and said that I appeared to be 'proud' of my conquests. He JUST NOW told me this. He has absolutely NO IDEA what kind of person I am. I made the mistake of believing him to be my best-friend, that these types of things, LONG since past, were not 'typical' of me, as everyone else in my life knows. Hell, I bet he's NOT been a saint prior to the year we began dating either! We're both in our mid-40's ! He also stated that he 'looks at me differently now', and has seen me in a 'different light since then.' Basically, he has no respect for me, and apparently thinks I'm low-life trash. No wonder he lost interest in me a couple of years ago. No wonder his sex drive was greatly reduced. No wonder he got a girlfriend. No wonder he didn't really put forth any effort to 'make amends' to me. No wonder he was abusive! No wonder he had no problem being rude to me in front of others! No freakin wonder! I just wish he would have told me sooner, it would've saved me a whole lotta distress. Although I am sad because I realize that he will NEVER have any respect for me, its a relief to know 'why'. Yes, I pointed out that he seems awfully judgemental, but he's not an open-minded person and once he's made up his mind, thats pretty much it. There is nothing I can say or do that would 'explain' my long-ago indiscretions in a way that he would understand. He will never have any respect for me, and I know that. This marriage didn't stand a chance BEFORE he got a girlfriend!
silktricks Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Are you divorcing him? From what you say, it sounds like the marriage hasn't a hope.
Author jonesgirly Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 I had only recently began IC, with the same counselor he had gone to a few times following his arrest for domestic violence last Fall. I felt as though if I at least tried it, I could feel as though I 'gave it my all.' It saved some $$ NOT having to use ten sessions just to explain the situation to a stranger-counselor We have been basically separated since May, when I cound no longer stand to be physically close to a man so emotionally far away. I moved into the lower level of our home, an apartment where my teenaged daughter lived prior to moving out to college. I struggled this past year, with the pain of dealing with his affair all alone. He had even allowed her to 'visit' him at work (on a Saturday) at the end of May, proving that he really didn't have a clue about right and wrong (at least for OUR relationship). The most recent (of many) personal ads of his I've discovered was at the end of June. I guess I'm an idiot. My god, he worked his ASS off trying to save this marriage didn't he? His revelation of his apparent disgust of me has definitely completed the mental puzzle I've had all this time. All of his defensiveness, denials, combativeness, coldness, lack of sincerity, lack of remorse, all of his crap...explained in one lousy paragraph: "I never looked at you the same again." Now, I realize that my honesty and conversation about the LONG AGO incidents were probably not in my best interest. I remember being able to talk to him about things like that, and I had no idea he was keeping a mental barometer of my respectfulness. The incident I spoke of occurred LONG before we were even dating, let alone married. And, I should add, I have NEVER EVER EVER treated him in a less than respectful way, especially in front of others. He doesn't think this is a big deal, but I do. Its one thing when he treats people like crap at home, but in front of family and friends? Its humiliating. It tells the WHOLE world that you're less-than worthy. There is no hope for a union when one person does not respect the other. He would treat me like I'm some sort of piece of garbage for the rest of his life. I've already experienced a year of it, and am tired of making excuses for it. I'm ashamed to love a man who treats me so shabby. Friends AND family have wondered aloud about my happiness, my sanity, and have asked why in the HELL am I here? But I didn't give up too easily, and I didn't give up to quickly. I gave it a shot, and it took its toll on me physically. I can't eat, have lost weight (again), my blood presssure is up (and it has NEVER been high), I smoke too much, I drink too much wine, and I'm emotionally drained. All in all, the perfect party girl! I only wish he had told me earlier that he had no respect for me. I regret the time I spent respecting HIM, taking care of his kids, and running interferance for his crappy treatment of others. He will remain an angry and miserable person, especially since he has elected himself 'judge' of the human race. I had suspected that his 'feelings' for me were never really 'there', and now I know it. It is very sad, but a relief at the same time....to FINALLY realize why he did NOTHING to make amends to me. And I know there is NO way to rebuild "respect". At least I have it for MYSELF, but I hardly doubt that he will have it for his ownself, especially when he's left to deal with "himself" all by "himself." He may, some day, remember with fondness the support, admiration, love, and respect he received from me....while not reciprocating. And isn't all cheating/infidelity/betrayal based organically in a lack of respect? Even the A-hole's who cheat as a sport, really....they just have no respect for anyone else! And I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone, than with someone who doesn't even respect me as a person. I'm not unattractive (children don't run and scream), I'm intelligent, and I'm NOT a bad person. I'm not boastful or proud of some of the things I've done (as he seems to think), but rarely to I regret my choices. I've always tried to live in a way to avoid the regrets of tomorrow. Here's the link to the rest of the story (its great entertainment now ): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=774359
Kathleen2260 Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 The fact that your H cheated and betrayed you is not YOUR fault. It is 100% his fault. He is in control of his own actions. He says he doesn't respect you for something you did before you were even married, yet he respects his girlfriends or whoever that willingly engage in affairs with a MM!? That is ridiculous. He is just uses excuses for his behavior. Don't put yourself down or even take his reasoning to heart. HE is the one with the problems.
a4a Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 The fact that your H cheated and betrayed you is not YOUR fault. It is 100% his fault. He is in control of his own actions. He says he doesn't respect you for something you did before you were even married, yet he respects his girlfriends or whoever that willingly engage in affairs with a MM!? That is ridiculous. He is just uses excuses for his behavior. Don't put yourself down or even take his reasoning to heart. HE is the one with the problems. On the mark with the above.
typical Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 He also stated that he 'looks at me differently now', and has seen me in a 'different light since then.' Basically, he has no respect for me, and apparently thinks I'm low-life trash. Then why did he marry you??? No wonder he lost interest in me a couple of years ago. No wonder his sex drive was greatly reduced. No wonder he got a girlfriend. No wonder he didn't really put forth any effort to 'make amends' to me. No wonder he was abusive! No wonder he had no problem being rude to me in front of others! No freakin wonder! You forgot to mention, NO WONDER HE IS SUCH A COWARD THAT CANT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITIES FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS CHOSING INSTEAD TO LAY BLAME ON HIS WIFE FOR BEING A WEAK MINDED PIG. Excuses, excuses....if he truly felt that you were low-life trash, why then did he marry you and have a relationship with you?
Mz. Pixie Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 His issues are way beyond what you did before you guys were married. He's using that as an excuse. See, now it's easy for him to say he didn't give it a go- or that he had an affair- because he can use your previous behavior as an excuse. I wouldn't be surprised if he's not still tossing up the skirts with this girl. My H had ALOT of experience before we met. Yeah, that bothered me- almost kept me from marrying him in fact. But I did marry him and that being such that means that I accepted him, warts and all. That means that I do not get the right to complain about the behavior before we met and married. He had no control over it, and neither do you. Even though you regret it- you can't change it. Where would I be if my H threw it up in my face continually that I had an affair??
Author jonesgirly Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 I only briefly mentioned this last Fall, but there is more cause for my husband to find me disgusting. Sometime after last Thanksgiving, I did something that I am not very proud of. I posted on a friend-finder personals site, for an "email friend." Before y'all get your undies in a bundle, let me explain more thoroughly. It was six months after I'd discovered my husbands affair with a 24 year old co-worker (his "bestfriend" as he stated), three months after I'd discovered his personal ad profiles dating back to the beginning of our marriage, one month after he'd been arrested for domestic violence (yes, against me), and two months after his last "suicide" threat/attempt (one of three). He had shown ABSOLUTELY NO genuine remorse, understanding, or regret for his actions. I was beyond desperate, and everything I did seemed to 'blow-up' in my face (mostly him and his anger). I KNEW that I had to change "ME" in order to survive. It was FOUR FREAKIN WEEKS until Christmas! I should note that this man has SEVEN (yes, SEVEN) children, ranging in age from 16-25, I have a daughter, and it was FOUR FREAKIN WEEKS til Christmas! So, I resorted to looking for a pen-pal that wanted to email me. I even stated that I "wasn't looking for an affair", that I just wanted to feel special. <insert lightbulb here - I'm surprised that my H didn't reply to it!> I thought that if I could distract myself enough with maybe a 'secret' or some badly needed attention, I could change my demeanor around the house and my husband would respond. This in NO WAY was a 'revenge' type of thing...that motivation was simply NOT in me. And it worked! He noticed the change, and responded positively! Not that he did anything to fix what was damaged, but he was definitely more 'attentive' to my newfound lack of sadness/emotionalness/whatever. He even admitted that I was easier to be around at that time. Of course, because I'm far less stealthy than I think, he discovered the emails in early January. He was pissed, I was embarrassed. I will honestly absolutely truthfully state, on a stack of bibles, with a shot of sodium pentothal, my ONLY motivation was to change MYSELF. I was not 'looking for a buddy' or anything similar. I was desperate to get out of my 'funk' and become a productive person. Its sad when I think about it...like I needed the attention of some imaginary cyber-man to make me feel better. <insert here god, you're sad jones> No excuses, I know. Lowering myself to his level, I know. Motivation behind it? Totally different. As bent as it may sound, I was actually hoping to improve our relationship by distracting myself from the hurt. I hadn't been able to get any real 'healing' from him, and in fact, all of his actions since the 'discovery' were both hurtful and dangerous. I felt guilty, 'dirty', disgusted with myself, and also, ANGRY at him for allowing the situation to deteriorate to the point I felt that I needed to do this. Yes, I could've just divorced him and left (not that I would've contacted anyone on a friend-finder site after that either ), but I wasn't ready. If any of you have read about our 'stuff', you may remember that my H has serious 'anger management' issues. And let me tell you, when he found out about the emailings, he was PISSEDOFF. I was at the laundromat (we've had to replace our water well since that time), and he came storming in there. He proceeded to start bitching at me in front of other families (with children), and I was mortified. I summoned up all the balls I could muster, and told him in NO UNCERTAIN terms that if he had an 'issue' with me, it could be discussed at home. He stormed out of there, and I finished the laundry and went home. Yeah, I was a little leary of what would be waiting when I opened the door, but geez, I just grew balls an hour ago so it was all good. Because I hadn't had quite the emotional connection he had with his 'real-life' girlfriend, AND because the motivation behind my indiscretion was SERIOUSLY much different, I didn't hesistate to spill any details he didn't know. My whole "adventure" had lasted a month, and he admitted that I was much easier to be around during that time. I explained myself and answered any questions he had without hesitation. I must reiterate........I was NOT looking for a 'boyfriend'. I know it sounds stupid (especially now), but SERIOUSLY......I really needed to do something drastic to fix the "me" he had broken, and get through the damned holidays (freakin holidays). I didn't have ANY ulterior motives, and felt like such a beaten-down person (read my threads if you wanna know the gorey details), that I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to have an affair with a real-life person, thats not what I was looking for. As the proud owner of a Beaver, it would not have been difficult. It was just NOT what I was looking for! Okay, Okay, I know you hear me. I just feel so damned guilty about it, I feel the extreme need to explain, and I mean EXPLAIN, fully! Back to the 'now'.... In addition to my husband holding a very private matter that I shared with him against me, he also states that my actions during the Holidays was "despicable," and doubts that I even feel bad about it. WTF? And I admire his use of the word "despicable", as I had not yet used that one in describing what he's done. Truthfully, I felt bad what I was doing on a more personal level. I really didn't think that it would matter to HIM what ta hell I was doing, as long as he was 'off the hook.' And I think it took him a month or so to figure out that I was feeling waaayyy too 'okay' for the situation. Not that he was going to do anything about it, but something was 'up.' I was open and honest about ALL of it, and even told him the last time I received an email from the 'guy'. I also told him that when I mentioned to him that "Sean emailed me", he didn't even ASK what it said. I don't remember what his email said (it was a long time ago), but I DO remember that my H didn't even inquire about the content. So, I'm thinking that because he feels that MY actions are despicable and unforgiveable (apparently), that he has free reign to do whatever. He's emailed at least four women since then from his secret email/personal profile accounts, okay'd a visit from his girlfriend to his work on a Saturday, embarrassed me in front on my friends at a party for my birthday, and in general, continued his very disrespectful behavior towards me. ** I think I've just sorted it all out ** There was a part of me that felt so trashy doing what I did, that I thought maybe I was to blame for some of his treatment. I just realized that his treatment of me never really changed from the time his affair was uncovered (long before I made that stupid move above). I guess I can't blame it on that now, either. Random thought - What ever happened to CHUMP64? I admired her strong-willed stance and self-assured demeanor. We have a MC appointment this Thursday, and I've told him that I will leave it up to him whether or not to show up. We'll see. She had given me an assignment to write down "What hurt me", and I don't really think I can go over all that crap again. Maybe I'll just read over my postings here and jot down some notes I'm hoping that I haven't rambled on too excessively....but I know I have. I hope no one feels the need to punish me any further - I've done it enough myself. But PUHLEEZE...if you feel the need to condem me, at least read my threads and have a complete understanding of the situation first. And NO, I'm not excusing my behavior by blaming him, but just really understand the 'all' of it first. Thanks to all who listen, thanks to all who reply. Oh, typical: You forgot to mention, NO WONDER HE IS SUCH A COWARD THAT CANT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITIES FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS CHOSING INSTEAD TO LAY BLAME ON HIS WIFE FOR BEING A WEAK MINDED PIG. You called me a weak-minded pig! (p.s....I know what you meant) Kathleen, A4A...you're right. Ms.Pixie...Thanks for all your replys, I always look forward to reading your insight. Where's Veronese? Where's Lady? I miss them!
Mz. Pixie Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Lady J is around here and there- You will not have judgment from me- been there and done that and worse. Hon, you had every right to be weak and end up doing what you did. Look at the state of your marriage. Come, on, you acted out of desperation. He'd tried it, why not you?? Is it possible that your husband is Bipolar?? His moods and his anger seem like signs..... You guys have done alot to each other- there are so many issues under the bridge I'm not sure if it's something you guys can work on or not..........
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