daboywonder2002 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 [FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]ok to get a better understanding of this situatin. let me take you from the beginning. me and this girl have been talking for about 4 months. we really like each other. until i got in a car accident then things starting changing. she starting acting distant saying she needs time to think things over. so i was left in the dark for about 3 days. Now i found out that she is upset about the way i handled the car accident i was in 3 weeks ago. and also how i handled the insurance ordeal. she also says i lied to her. let me explain. 1) when i told her how my car accdient happened. i just described how it happened. (i had 3 friends in the car and one of them grabbed the wheel causing me to crash). yes it was scary and i guess she just popped up out her sleep. she says i lied cause i didnt tell her that i didnt tell the first cop what happened. but i did tell the rest of the cops what happened after the rest of my friends rode in the ambulance. so basically, i witheld info from her and handled it the wrong way. 2) car insurance- i was having an issue with the insurance because of the due dates. policy expired on july 7. but i had a grace period and they said i could pay on the 26th (renewal bill, not regular payment). but the claims adjuster was saying how u only had a 10 day grace period(july 17th). anyways, she says i lied cause i didnt tell her when the policy expired. i just explianed to her about the july 17th and 26th due dates. once she asked when did the policy expire. i told her the 7th. she also says that I was irresonsible cause she feels that instead of taking her out to dinner, i couldve used that money for the insurance .but trust me, a measily $50 wouldnt do me any good here. dont worry folks, insurnace is all taken care of. 3) I just got a new car. and she didnt want me to rush to get something i would regret. anyways, she says i lied to her cause i didnt mention to her that i needed a co signer. I feel that was none of her business. so let me sum this up in a few sentences. 1. she says that if im not gonna tell her the full story, dont mention it to her at all. 2. she says that these are life situations that she cant ignore and that these life situations show my true character. 3. she says that the man for her listens to what she has to say and takes her advice when u know its right. she says that she cant give advice if im giving her half assed info. but sometimes when i talk to you, im not asking for advice. i just want her to listen. 4. she says that if u ever wanna think about marrying me, she is gonna look at how i handle my affairs. 5. also the man for her is upfront and honest with her with EVERYTHING 6. that she could have fallen in love with me. but she held back because she wanted to see how i act when certain situations arise (isnt falling in love supposed to be natural, not based on tests) this is what i have to say. 1. im not gonna tell you every single detail about my life until we are in a commitment. 2. if i withhold info, its either personal, or irrelavent. anyways, here are some details of the last letter she wrote me. I formed my opinions based off of what I’ve been seeing from you in these past few weeks. And please don’t say that I’m only judging you based off of these ‘once in a lifetime’ happenings cause that’s not it at all. The decision I’ve made was hard for me b/c I am well aware of how well you’ve treated me and how good of a friend you’d been to me during the time we spent. Anyway, I hear what you’re saying about certain matters being private like the cosigner thing. But remember when we went to church and pastor was talking about how you should know about a person’s habits and financial history before you consider marrying them? You gave me a window into seeing some of that about you. As I’ve said many times, if there’s something you don’t want me to know don’t talk about it around me. I guess I feel that if you felt I was really the woman for you, you would’ve wanted to be open and honest w/ me from the start. I have a right to be choosy about who I want to spend my time with. Definitely should be choosy about who I may consider as a marriage partner. You know I’m not dating just to be dating. So yes, I am looking at how you handle your business, at least as much as you’ll let me see. And also your character. What I’m about to say has nothing to do w/ you but I am an asset. Not being conceited but I bring A LOT to the table. It’s my right to be w/ someone who matches up w/ the things I bring, if not provide better. No, I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about character, responsibility, the way a person treats me, etc. Furthermore, I am ALWAYS going to look out for myself and protect myself. Not saying that you’re a specific threat but like I’m feeling now, you could be telling me ANYTHING you want to. Doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true. Until I feel that I can implicitly trust someone, I will continue to protect myself and the things I have. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong w/ that. It comes w/ time. Moving on, I’m not acting like you’re not a good person and I never said that. I think that I am just questioning if you’re the right person for me. Which is why I’ve decided to take a step back from our relationship. As I said, we will see each other when we can and go from there. Now if you have a problem w/ that and you want to walk away I understand. You should know I’m not after anything. If it was all about money and material things, I know guys who could provide those things for me. I kicked it w/ you b/c we had fun and I felt I could trust you. I’m sure we could still have fun but I explained to you that the trust factor will take some time. In the meantime, if I meet someone I like, I will hang out w/ them. I just want to be clear about that so there are no false expectations or pretenses. You’re saying that maybe you won’t want to open up until we have a commitment. I’m not cool w/ that. Part of how I’m going to feel if I want to commit to anyone is from the type of relationship we have up until that point. Feeling that we can truly trust each other and open up to each other is highly important to me. So maybe we are not compatible in that way. Now I know what your credit situation is like. I know what it’s like to be in that position and it takes some years to clear that up. I already explained that I refuse to marry someone w/ bad credit b/c I’ve worked too hard to clean up mine. When you marry someone, you inherit their credit, their debts. It’s not to say that you can’t change your situation, I’m sure you could. But I don’t know if I want to wait 4 or 5 more years to find out. I feel like this: God has a way of making things happen. And if God wants us to be together He will make that happen. I have never said that I’m opposed to that. I am only open to what God wants for me. Frankly Dustin, I’ve looked past a lot of things about you in order for us to keep getting to know each other. Sometimes there just comes a breaking point when you’re not willing to go any further. I’m not saying I’m unwilling to go further but I want to slow things down between us. I know it’s not what you want to hear but at least I’m being honest and telling you how I really feel. If you’re open to changing certain things then prove it. Time will tell the story. I thank you for taking time to write me and I appreciate your words. As for the crab feast, I’m still open to go if you want to take me. If not, I understand. Just let me know. now let me say this 1. how does 3 weeks out of 4 months show my true character?? 2. im angry because 2 weeks ago things were perfect ,now she has done this 180 on me. 3. the reason my credit isnt that great was because last year was the first time i had a copy of a credit report. all my cars were paid for. and with living situations, either i had moved in with a roomate who was already there and i just rented out a place from a friend, was in school, . or just lived with family. this was all since turning 21. never had a credit card either. so mainly its student loans. but im working on that as we speak. 4. it hurts me because i was able to look past her flaws. she has an std. (not aids or hiv). but i was willing to look past that. i mean if you wanna talk about my character, how about you having unprotected sex and catching an std. but see, im not gonna go there. 5. it also hurts cause you would think that with her situation, she would be a little bit more humble. she said she still has some insecurities about herself. i mean she also had bad credit in the past. its kind of like a person that used to be overweight. but now she lost the weight and makes fun of all the fat people. that is the best example i can give. now this has all happened since last week. how can things change in one week? things were great between us. now its like she is finding out that im human. and that i dont have all the husband qualities. but let me ask u this. would u rather have a husband or a soulmate? i really do care about this girl and want to work things out. but its like she wants me to have all these husband qualities now. i dont even know what else to say. just give your opinions here everyone!![/sIZE][/FONT]
Infinity0530 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 daboywonder2002, Well I read through your story, and one thing I noticed is that this girl seems very religious. She mentioned in her letter that you went to church together. Are you also very active in your faith or did you just go with her because she wanted you to? It seems that she is really analyzing every action that you are taking and using it to judge your character, (partly on the word of her pastor, it seems, at least pertaining to your financial and credit history) whether or not that action directly involves her or not. That is very hard to meet someones expectations when they are using every action you take as a test. You are bound not to meet at least one of them, and in this case, it seems as if she is disqualifying you already. From her letter, it also seems that she feels you are not being as open with her as she would like you to be. If you feel you are already being as open with her as you are comfortable with at this stage, perhaps that is something the two of you could talk about and work through. But at the same time, I agree with you that at this stage, you are not required to share absolutely everything with her as if you were married. You are allowed some of your own privacy, and she needs to realize that just because you don't tell her everything about your life, doesn't mean you arent being upfront and honest with her. Quoting you, I agree that falling in love should feel natural. Usually this will require some give and take on each individuals part, noone will ever be perfect and you each need to forgive the flaws of others, such as it sounds like you have done regarding her std. However, it seems that she has a set of qualities that she is very rigid in finding and isn't willing to budge to the extent that might be needed for the relationship to work! Let me know if you want to discuss this anymore. I'm not sure if my opinions make any sense to you but that's just what I got from reading your post!
JCD Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Did you tell her that you're not going to tell her things until you're committed? Maybe she projects your current behaviour into future when you two are married and she doesn't like what she sees now. It's best to act like you're married from the start so that she gets a good idea of who you are. By not being honest with her, she can't trust you. Trust is such an important and fundamental relationship building block that you don't want to crack it. You have to be open and honest about everything with her because I think you and her are starting on a serious relationship that has a future. This is not a one night fling or fun girl, imo.
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