UnsurePath Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 WARNING: Kind of Long, please be patient: My gf and I have been together for almost 2 years, for a year of that, we've been living together. She dropped everything to move across country to be with me, making a big sacrifice that I appreciated fully. The reason for that is because I have a stable professional job in a career that I love, she wants to get into that same career, but graduated college later than I. Now that she is out here, she is completely unhappy, she hates her job with a passion, has no friends, and no car. I spend about 95% of my free time with her, I no longer go out with coworkers for a drink or socialize outside of work. the 5% of free time i dont' spend with her is when she is working and I am not, or when i'm at the gym (twice a week). If i'm not busting my ass cleaning the apartment or something at this time, she gets resentful and accuses me of wasting time and how when she has off, that's all she does (though i've told her repeatedly she can take time for herself, it can only help her). Our relationship is very mixed, we fight alot, usually about the same things over and over, but when it is good, it's really good and I love being around her. The usual topic of our fights is my past, or some vague aspect of it. And if there is something that i mention in these fights that hasn't been pryed out of me before, god help me. She goes on rages, she's thrown things at me (open jars of cold cream, pillows, boxes, etc.) She has pushed me, hit me, kicked me, screamed at me, called me every name in the book, etc. I do my best to keep my cool when she does this, but sometimes that just makes her even more upset. When she gets really physical, I usually just try to hold her, She never hurts me badly when she gets like this, i'm more than twice her size, so it's token, not real abuse. But it makes me feel like ****, and if I hold her just slightly too tight because she's raging so much, or if she jerks away from me really quickly and hurts herself (really that's all that happens, I would never intentionally hurt anyone, man or woman), then god help me again because it's all my fault at that point. She locks me out of rooms, then gets mad when i don't try and break the door down to talk to her, gets mad when i've called her a drama queen (only twice, learned my lesson on that one). I've called her a b*tch once, when she kicked me in bed extremely hard, I had a bruise on my side for about two weeks, but that is the only name i've ever called her. With all of this, I know it sounds like this is a horrible relationship, but these times are rare, and she is the sweetest, friendliest girl when she is not depressed about something. I try everything to make her happy, but i'm not an overly romantic guy, I'll plan a night out together, or a trip or something, but I don't write love letters, etc. My problem is this, like I said, when she's happy, we're wonderful, when she can forget the past, we're wonderful, but is her unhappiness because of me, or because of her situation? I'm looking at a new job in another part of the country, she has said she'll move with me, but she doesn't want to settle there, I think I might if the job works out. Should I end it with her if and when I get the job and leave so we can go our seperate ways? Should I not end it, in case she just needs a change of scenery to become the girl i fell in love with again? Or am I just being a coward, and I need to end it now, no matter what? There are no easy answers, I know, but any advice would be welcome. Thanks
Kengne Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 WARNING: Kind of Long, please be patient: My problem is this, like I said, when she's happy, we're wonderful, when she can forget the past, we're wonderful, but is her unhappiness because of me, or because of her situation? I'm looking at a new job in another part of the country, she has said she'll move with me, but she doesn't want to settle there, I think I might if the job works out. Should I end it with her if and when I get the job and leave so we can go our seperate ways? Should I not end it, in case she just needs a change of scenery to become the girl i fell in love with again? Or am I just being a coward, and I need to end it now, no matter what? There are no easy answers, I know, but any advice would be welcome. Thanks First all - she IS abusing you whether or not she's half your size or whatever. In my mind, abuse (physical or emotional) is a dealbreaker but clearly for you this is not a problem. So I won't even bother addressing that. Second - she's clearly unhappy with her life. And there is nothing you can do or say to turn her unhappiness into happiness. Get that crazy idea out of your mind. I think she may even be depressed. Have you suggested she see a counsellor? Third - should you end things or not? Well - does the GOOD outweigh the BAD? You say when it's good it's wonderful but when it's bad it's horrible. What is more salient in your mind? Do the good times outweigh the bad, or vice versa? You love her but we all know love alone is not enough to maintain a rel'ship. Only you can judge how bad is bad, and if it's bad enough to end things. I wouldn't worry abt the new job unless it comes up. No point worrying about things that have yet to occur. Good luck! K.
Returning Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Reality check. See it or not this girl has one of the psychopathic personality disorders, she is in effect driven by a mental illness. Try as you might you will not achieve peace in this relationship. I bet she has low self esteem, shy's away from intimacy, not physical but meeting new people and being open with you. Visit some sites on personality disorders, maybe borderline personality disorder were the person is neurotic but shifts into psychotic episodes (throwing things, temper tantrums over nothing). If so it's sad but if she can't be honest with herself about herself and actually want to improve her attitude and quality of life, you best hit the high road, cut your losses and move on. They like to 'project' their difficulties onto you, I bet everything is your fault.
aljc123 Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 she needs to take some time to do things for herself, amke some friends, get some interests. if you two werent hothoused together so much and u werent ALL she had youd proabbly get on lots better and appreciate each other a good deal more
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