dad treats me like my dead mom

[miss lightning]

Hi everyone, this is a very sensitive topic for me and I don't know if i will be able to express it properly.. but here is a try.

 

My mother passed away in 2003, when I was 20. My mother was a very strong, organized, and thoughtful woman, and I feel that too many people depended on her, emotionally. As soon as she died, i feel like my father and a few other relatives emotionally dumped this dependency onto me. I look a lot like my mother, but regardless I think this is extrememly selfish of everyone.

 

I was still in University at the time of my mothers death.., a few hours away from home, and would come home every weekend around her illness (she was very big on education and didnt' want me to leave).. and of course took a lot of time off right before her death and afterwards.

 

Just a day or two after her passing, i felt an immediate shift of how i was treated, and it was terrible because I felt like i didn't get to greive properly. All of a sudden my father, who never valued my opinion before.. now basically made me make all the decisions and looked to me for an answer to everything. For all the funeral arrangements, he would pressure me to make the decisions. Although my father did decide to display huge photos of my mother at age 20 all over the funeral hall and the house because thats "how he wants to remember her" My mom was always the decision maker. ANd after that, I was looked to to decide little and big decisions. Often I would react hastily.

 

He would constantly call me by my mothers name by accident.. sometimes not even realizing it, not just once in a while, but very often, as would other relatives of mine. (such as my mom's brother.. who often tells me "you are like a sister to me")

 

My dad often refers to my brother as "my son" when he is babbling to me about my brothers problems. And when talking about my grandmother often refers to her as "your mother".

Its not just the words that bother me, its the way he talks to me.. He talks to me more like a peer than a daughter. I think its because he is a very selfish person and this makes the loss easier on HIM.

When i tell my father problems of mine..he usually responds by complaining about his problems too and i feel like i don't have any fatherly support. I sometimes feel like its not just my mother that died.

 

I graduated in 2004 and worked in a city for a a year and a half. I recently had to move back home because of immigartion problems, and I visit that city to see my boyfriend almost every weekend. I'm moving back soon, But i can't stand living with my dad because I feel uncomfortable.

I have always felt uncomfortable around my father and i'm not sure why. I am known to have suburb intuition with an extremely high EQ and its almost always right and for years i have been denying this feeling and hoping its my own paranoia..

For example.. I dont like my dad to hug me or touch me at all.. even before my mother died. I actually dread it.. I dread getting married and having my dad walk me down the aisle because i don't even want him to touch my arm. Other relatives, male or female, i don't mind affection at all. I don't like the way my father looks at me.. at all. I can't even look him into the eye. I dont' like to wear tank tops or anything around him. i usually throw on a sweatshir. I find these feelings very disturbing.

 

He always says things that disturb me.. Like the other night, i was just talking about how the dog doesn't listen anymore and he said "the dog must be trying to take advantage of us because we are getting old"

I said, "who is getting old"

he replied, "you and me"

I said "Im 23!"

perhaps i was being oversensitive but i truly sense he said this becuase doesn't see me as me. I always, when talking to my dad, end sentence with the word dad, just to remind him what my relation to him is.

Also on my mothers bday this year, he bought a cake and said "guess what, its sammy's birthday!" (sammy is my cat...that was not her bday) and tried to get me to eat the cake and i refused.

 

When i get annoyed with my father, he treats me more like a nagging wife then an upset daughter and i can't STAND IT. He has the same reaction to me when i get annoyed or upset that he did to my mother.. not the same reaction that he used to give to me before she died.

 

My father has put a roof over our heads, helped financially and supported hobbies etc, so i feel guilty even writing this and being so mad. I don't know how to feel.. someties i just talk to him out of pity.. but i usually try to do my own thing.. then feel bad for ignoring him. I dont' know what to do. ALso, what bothers me is that I won't be able to tell if the way he is treating me now and in the future is because he is finally realizing I am an adult, or if he just sees me as my mother.

 

I told him about this before. I got mad once and told him i find it very selfish what he and others are doing.. how they are using me as a way to cope with mom's death without thinking about my feelings and how this could effect me. He didn't deny it.. he didn't seem sorry either. He made a few excuses saying how its hard when someone is an adult and they resemble the deceased adult. My dad is very much a self pitying type of person, always complaining since I was a child, even though he never had too many major problems. Whenever i bring up any specific issue he complains about all the "hardships" in his life. Sometimes I feel my father is a narcissist as he doesn't show much empathy towards others and my brother is a clinical narcissist. WHenever major problems are going on in my life, he makes it his problem and whines or he just will not care. When i tried telling him about how a doctor sexually abused me years ago (becaue we were on the topic).. he didn't even flinch but continued on with his lecture and i interupted him to be like "uh dad.. the doctor molested me" and he was furious that i interupted him and said that i should move out. He later apoliziged. Anyway, thats another story.

 

I just don't know how to cope with this kind of situation for much longer. I feel trapped. I am planning on seeing a therapist soon for this and a few others things. I guess I just want to vent and see others opinions.. I do realize that when someone dies, you have to take on extra responsiblity and I have done that.. But thats not what bothers me. its one thing to help out more and take on responsiblies. Its another to feel like you have become that person in others eyes. I feel like I died in their eyes, not my mom.

 

Thank you and sorry for the long post. I am waiting for my immigration papers and will be moving back with my boyfriend soon.. I just don't know how much longer i can deal with this. I am just so mad at everyone for being so selfish, i find this situation SO SICK!!

[Outcast]

Have you friends or other family you can stay with until you move?

It sounds like you're in the midst of dysfunction. Not much you can do about your dad, I'm afraid. Whatever his problem is will continue to be his problem. It's probably a very dysfunctional method of coping with his loss. It's good you'll be seeing a therapist but if the living situation is unbearable, then I suggest you change it if at all possible.

[Buttaflyy]

I feel for you in your situation. Good for you for seeking a therapist about it. You are right in your feelings, and you do sound like you need to separate yourself from your family for a while. You mentioned moving with your BF. Is this a really good idea? Sometimes, when we are desperate for love we make irrational decisions. I'd hate for your situation to worsen or for you to feel indebted to your BF. You mentioned that you'd need immigration papers, please don't make yourself dependent on your BF by moving your life with him before your really ready. This is a big step you are considering. I hope all goes well for you. My heart goes out to you. Your family needs pyscological help as well, but you can only worry about yourself at this point. I hope that they will come to terms with their own grief, and that you may finally be able to grieve for your mother yourself.

[Pink Amulet]

I have always felt uncomfortable around my father and i'm not sure why. I am known to have suburb intuition with an extremely high EQ and its almost always right and for years i have been denying this feeling and hoping its my own paranoia..

For example.. I dont like my dad to hug me or touch me at all.. even before my mother died. I actually dread it.. I dread getting married and having my dad walk me down the aisle because i don't even want him to touch my arm. Other relatives, male or female, i don't mind affection at all. I don't like the way my father looks at me.. at all. I can't even look him into the eye. I dont' like to wear tank tops or anything around him. i usually throw on a sweatshir. I find these feelings very disturbing.

 

 

 

When i tried telling him about how a doctor sexually abused me years ago (becaue we were on the topic).. he didn't even flinch but continued on with his lecture and i interupted him to be like "uh dad.. the doctor molested me" and he was furious that i interupted him and said that i should move out. He later apoliziged. Anyway, thats another story.

 

 

You need to get out of your house, and see a therapist, and even use hypnotic therapy. It sounds eerily familar to a situation I have experience with.

 

I think this man has sexually abused you. Many victims of sexual abuse at a young age block out these memories very successfully only to have these memories triggered by certain, smells, sounds, visuals, and feelings.

 

Your father clearly has some severe psychological issues, and it wouldn't surprise me if his feelings of guilt have transpired into this disturbing situation.

 

Please get out of this house. Tell your boyfriend, confide in someone outside the family, and move away until you explore your mind, and find out exactly what happened to you to make you feel this way.

 

Good luck.

[miss lightning]

You need to get out of your house, and see a therapist, and even use hypnotic therapy. It sounds eerily familar to a situation I have experience with.

 

I think this man has sexually abused you. Many victims of sexual abuse at a young age block out these memories very successfully only to have these memories triggered by certain, smells, sounds, visuals, and feelings.

 

Your father clearly has some severe psychological issues, and it wouldn't surprise me if his feelings of guilt have transpired into this disturbing situation.

 

Please get out of this house. Tell your boyfriend, confide in someone outside the family, and move away until you explore your mind, and find out exactly what happened to you to make you feel this way.

 

Good luck.

I have pondered that thought as well. It would break my heart if it were true, but I sometimes think maybe something did happen and that is why i feel that way. Although i think/hope he could never do that. It is a possibilty I guess, it may explain how I feel. I definately will be discussing this at therapy.

I am thinking about moving about much sooner now maybe moving with other relatives temporarily, as living back with my father just forces me to no longer be in denial. I hate living with him in the house.

 

Thank you so much.

[miss lightning]

I feel for you in your situation. Good for you for seeking a therapist about it. You are right in your feelings, and you do sound like you need to separate yourself from your family for a while. You mentioned moving with your BF. Is this a really good idea? Sometimes, when we are desperate for love we make irrational decisions. I'd hate for your situation to worsen or for you to feel indebted to your BF. You mentioned that you'd need immigration papers, please don't make yourself dependent on your BF by moving your life with him before your really ready. This is a big step you are considering. I hope all goes well for you. My heart goes out to you. Your family needs pyscological help as well, but you can only worry about yourself at this point. I hope that they will come to terms with their own grief, and that you may finally be able to grieve for your mother yourself.

 

I went to school in that city and almost all my friends are there as well, been planning on getting immigration since before my mom passed.Its not soley for my boyfriend.. My boyfriend and i have dated 2 1/2 years and were friends for 4 years beforehand. Its definately not a dependent situation. I would be content even if we didnt live together and i had my own place, i have a good social network up there.

 

Thanks so much for your concern I hope I can finally grieve as well. I want to be mentally healthy and not feel so blocked.

[miss lightning]

Have you friends or other family you can stay with until you move?

It sounds like you're in the midst of dysfunction. Not much you can do about your dad, I'm afraid. Whatever his problem is will continue to be his problem. It's probably a very dysfunctional method of coping with his loss. It's good you'll be seeing a therapist but if the living situation is unbearable, then I suggest you change it if at all possible.

 

Thats a bit of a problem, all my family is about 8 or more hours away.. and most of my friends are back in the city i need immigration for.. i am thinknig about moving with grandparents even if they are far away temporarily. I wish the immigration process would speed up but lol thats not likely.