heartbroken411 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We love each other very much, but we fight ALL THE TIME. A day doesn't go by that we don't fight. And it's about the smallest things. If I ask him to do something for me, he'll refuse and I'll get irate which makes him irate. I feel like the fighting is his fault and he feels that it's mine. Although we told each other that we wouldn't blame and point fingers, that's all we do. We broke up for about 2 months and recently got back together, thinking things would be different, but they're not. How do we end this cycle?? How can we be together without the bickering?? It's really taking a toll on our relationship. Please help!
Walk Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 FIrst question, why is he refusing to do stuff? Second question, do you know why you get irritated with him? Beyond, you ask - he refuses. What'st the reason he refuses? Why do you ask? Would he ask the same of you? Or does he believe you don't ask for that stuff from your partner. Try to look a little deeper than just, you get irritated, and then he gets irritated. There's always a million thoughts and feelings going on below the surface of a relationship. If you can pull out the main themes, feelings, ideas, then you can attempt to change those. If you can't... then nothing will change. Last thought.. how are you communicating with him? How do you normally speak to him, and vice versa. Just before you two get into a fight... is he abrupt, harsh, etc? Are you? Basically, can you go into more detail, because it could be a million reasons why you fight so often. More detail would help us to see a better picture of the dynamics and so forth.
Author heartbroken411 Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 Basically we don't communicate very well, in my opinion. I always say it's because we're from two different countries, but I know that that can't be the only thing. If I ask him to do something, he usually doesn't do it right away. It depends on what I'm asking him to do as to why he refuses, but it's usually because he doesn't like to be "controlled" or told what to do. So he'll eventually do it, but when he feels like it's in his control, "in his own time." And that irritates me because I don't feel like I should a) have to tell him what to do at this point and b) I shouldnt' have to wait around for him to do it just because he feels like being a jerk. If he doesn't have a problem with doing what I ask, then just do it and stop pushing my buttons. And that sentence right there, is exactly how I talk to him. I yell and cry and basically throw hissy fits when I don't get my way. I don't know why. I'm 22 years old, but I just get so upset and that's my reaction. And the thing is, I know we love each other, but there's so much hostility everyday, it's ripping us apart. He also asks me for things, albeit not the same things, but things he needs from me and the relationship. And I feel that he expects these things right away. If I don't immediately change my actions, then he gets upset. One of these things is my hissy fits. He demands that I stop acting like a child and crying and throwing things. But as absurd as it may sound, that's really hard for me to do, so when I slip and do it, he freaks out at me. I don't know what to do. It's like an endless cycle. I don't think either of us know how to convey what we're feeling without yelling or saying nasty things to the other.
Walk Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Would the both of you be willing to talk to a counselor together? It might help to have someone who can see the both of you in person, and see how you two interact together. Since they'd see it first hand, they could probably pinpoint advice on how to circumvent it. Personally, I think that would help the two of you greatly. I think you have a pretty good understanding of what's going wrong in the relationship. Neither of you communicate at all. And I think both of you are letting your emotions control the situation. I'd really suggest the couples counseling. Someone to help mediate until the two of you can learn to do it yourselves. I get pretty upset with my bf. I had to learn how to recognize when I get too upset to talk rationally. (I asked my partner to point it out if he see's it, your bf seems to already point it out. ) If I get to that stage, then I ask for a time out. I tell my bf I'm going for a walk, and then I leave for an hour or a few hours. As much time as I need to cool off. Physical activity helps too, burn off some of the aggression. Now for the harsh part.. I don't want you to think that I'm attacking you, our partners play a role in our behavior too. But since you are asking for suggestions/advice, and not your bf, then this is going to be addressed to you. But you absolutely cannot scream, throw things, or call names. At all. Make it a rule, and live by it. The first person who calls the other a name, or throws something, immediately call a time out and seperate. It does far more damage to both of you then you can possibly compensate for. There are men and women on this board who have suffered from such behavior, and they have emotional scars that will last a lifetime. Whatever you have to do to control you temper, then do it. Scream into a pillow, walk outside and yell at the top of your lungs, count backward from 100, or think about puppies and your favorite food, whatever you have to do. But do it. The second you allow yourself to become so enraged that you verbally and physically take it out on the environment around you, is the second you lose. Even if you win the battle, you lost the war. You haven't changed his mind, or gotten him to understand you or how you feel, at that point, all it is is a battle of wills. And I guarantee neither of you will win. I have a few questions, if you feel like answering. Do you thank him for doing things you haven't asked him to do? Does this have any effect, even short term? When you ask him to do things, how do you ask him? He says he feels controlled when you ask him to do stuff? What ways have you tried to approach it to get around this? The things you're asking him to do, are they household chore type things? Like doing the dishes, etc? I'm trying to get a better feel for what's going on. I dont' want you to think that I'm saying you haven't tried different things, only wondering what you've already tried so people on LS could understand the situation better. What sort of worked, what didn't. That kind of thing.
Author heartbroken411 Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 I feel like I thank him. I don't know. He cheated on me in May because we were fighting so much which is why we broke up. He apologized and said it was just a mistake, but I couldn't get over it and he kept seeing this girl. So about a week ago I finally said ok and he says he told the girl it was over. But then the next night he was over there again. He said he just wanted to see her one more time. I'm starting to feel like all of this is a waste of time. So then he tells me that it really is done and he wants to grow old with me and wants me for the rest of his life and loves me. So then we get back together and the fighting still happens. I was down in Florida but I came back to NY days earlier than I was supposed to so that we could spend time together, but I think he was there again last night. I get off of the plane and there's a voicemail for me saying that he was going to Six Flags with some of his friends from home and that he would talk to me later. I don't believe this for many reasons. 1) He gets off of work at 8:30pm. We live in NYC. By the time he would've gotten to six flags, it would've been closed. 2) He would have had to go directly after work and I seriously doubt he went in his work clothes to a theme park. 3) He's from Trinidad, so I also doubt his friends from home are here. They all go to school in Washington DC. 4) He has work at 9am the next day, so I don't see why he would go in the middle of the week. 5) He told me that he couldn't see me today and that Wednesday would be better for him. 6) I know he was online at 10:30 last night because he requested me as his gf on facebook. All of this after i bought a ticket to come see him earlier. I think he's still seeing this girl and I don't know if it's because of our fighting and things are easier with her, but I just don't appreciate the lies. I told him that if he wanted to see her, then he should do that and if we're meant to be, we will be. But he keeps saying he wants me and not her. I just don't know anymore. My friend told me to just go talk to him tonight, but really, what could he say?? Probably something along the lines of he left work early and I didn't get the request until hours later so something must be wrong with my email. I know he's gonna come up with a barage of excuses. I just dont' know what to do anymore. I keep thinking that if we stop fighting then things will be different, but then I think that the majority of the fights are his fault and he's doing it on purpose to make an excuse to see this girl. But why not just tell me that he wants to try things with her???
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