basscatcher Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I have spoken about this friend of mine here before. I think she is up to her old crap again. A memory refresher for those who can remember--This friend (female) dated my Xh off and on for 3 years. She called me one day and asked me why I left and divorced him. I told her I wouldn't fill her head full of stuff because he might be different with her then he was me and I don't want to be the cause of their relationship falling apart. Well over time she got more and more in a habit of calling me to vent her relationship problems with him. Until one day I finally had to speak up and I told her he hasn't changed and I'm sorry I didn't warn her when she first called me. I asked her to tell me exactly what was going on and she did. I think opened up to her and told her in some ways she had it worse then me and in other ways she had it better then me. She and I have been friends ever since. I have always been a sounding board for her. I have been there when she needed a friend and a shoulder to cry on. I realized over time that she is a major Drama Queen and I told her so. I nicknamed her Drama and she admits it fits her. I have watched her mature and grow over the past year and she did eventually leave my XH and she rebounded into his friends home. Whom she now lives with and is very unhappy. He is an alcoholic, he is boring as hell, he has really bad hygiene (so did/does my XH), he has really bad habits which are disgusting. She is unhappy with him also. She is lonely. She is confused and in all this misery she has created for herself I know she is still messing around with my XH. I don't give a crap if she is or not as long as she doesn't bring it to me. But it always comes back to me. Last year my XH (her XBF) became obsessed with her when she left him. He still is... He was harassing her and me trying to get at her and force her to come back to him.. It got so bad and he threated to destroy my life and hers at one point because I told him to leave me alone, stay out of my life and I didn't want anything to do with him. He didn't' respect my request and also at one point he assaulted me. I got so sick of him interfering in my life (home, work, public) that I finally had a OFP placed on him. My gf did also but she let her guard down and started talking to him again and lifted her OFP.. Since then he has harassed her. When she doesn't respond to him he starts to call me breaking the OFP. over and over and over. I haven't enforced the OFP because he hasn't showed up at my home or work. He has only called and if I use the OFP he will go to jail, loose his job and then I LOOSE CHILD SUPPORT -- which really stabilizes my son and my life.. For the last 4 weeks he has been calling me everyday. Expecting me to be his messenger to the Drama Queen. Which I haven't really. I suspect she and him are communicating behind everyone's back and he is wanting her to leave the man she is living with and come back to him and she wont do it.. I believe she is playing games with him for the attention, drama and to fill a temporary fix of feeling wanted, needed and desired.. When she pulls away from him he gets weird and when she is out with my other gfs and I and we cross paths with him he acts all weird and she ignores him. I think she puts on a attitude and a show when we are around and when we aren't I would dare bet my life that she is all lovey-dovey affectionate towards him and leads him on. Only to turn bitch towards him again when people are around. I believe she is playing a game with him and it's really beginning to eat at me. He harasses me to get to her... I have told her that if he doesn't' stop and I get a different job he will be sitting his butt in jail. I will enforce my OFP and I will renew it when it expires. I don't want that man in my life... I can't stand him.. If there were anyone I ever hated in life besides one of my xbfs is my XH. I was at his abusive hands for too many years... She knows exactly how I feel about him and I'm sick of him calling me and harassing me to get to her. Saturday night I didn't go out with the girls. She went out and was only there for about 5-10 minutes. She used an excuse that she met up with a co-worker and his wife down the road to shoot pool. My gf told me that when she left she never came back. Well Drama Queen told me that she seen my XH (her Xbf) and talked with him. She told me that she told him to leave me alone. She claimed she was being a bitch to him and told him off. She feed me a bunch of details about a woman he was dating, and how she scolded him for being a man-whore and told him if he kept doing what he was doing his pecker would fall off by the time he turned 40. She went on and on about him. I almost thought it seemed like she was over killing all the details. She was really trying hard to make me think she chewed him out enough that he wouldn't bother me anymore or her. Well when I was on the phone with her yesterday --while she was telling me all this, he called in. I seen him on my caller ID. I told her so much for her scolding it didn't' work. She got really quiet and didn't know what to say. After speaking with my other gf about her and how strange it was that she left the club early and didn't return and then the huge story she told me about him and very very little about this so-called co-worker and his wife shooting pool down the road. I think and so does my other girlfriend that Drama Queen is messing around with my XH (her Xbf) for a love fix. She is miserable with her home life, she doesn't want to be home when the man she is living with his home, they don't have sex but maybe once every 1 1/2 months, he showers once a week, eats his pubic hairs, pulls and eats the hair on his head, he is a alcoholic, he peels his toenails and chews on them, he never wants to go out all he does is sit at home drink and play PS2 Golf.. I can understand why she is so miserable at home but getting involved with a abusive man who stalks her, controls her, abuses her, harasses her, disrespects her and ME is just plan crazy... I am thinking about confronting her about what I believe she is doing.. I am sick of the games. I told her before if she can't be honest in our friendship then I will back off from her because I don't want or need this kind of drama in my life. I have enough of my own to smother out!! I believe she lied about her whereabouts Saturday night to my other gf and to me. The more she plays with that man the more he is going to harass me to get to her.. She changed her home phone number and I'm the only one who has it so he can't call her. He knows I have it. So he is harassing me to push me to call her and tell her to call him.. (I wish that man would drop of the face of the earth into New Guinea!!) I've ignored all my XH calls for 4 weeks.. I've silenced my ringer to his number so I don't hear him calling but still he's burning up my phones and my vm... I'm tired of all this drama.. Do I confront her and push her to the breaking point even if it ruins our friendship? We've been friends for 4 years...
a4a Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I would suggest again that you remove yourself from the drama radar and change your phone #s. Ditch this GF of yours.... come on if she is going to hang out with trash............................... birds of a feather flock together.
Author basscatcher Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 LRB--I sure feel like it.. Actually, I think G.C would be mellow compared to everyone around me. a4a-- I know what your saying. I have thought that too.. But If no one would have set me straight I wouldn't be the person I am today. Because of a good friend I straightened up or I would be worse then this Dram Queen. It was Tough Love and a harsh reality check from a gf that stopped me in my tracks... I can't help but feel maybe instead of bailing out on her life I need to give her the kick in the butt harsh wake-up call of reality.. She is 31 yrs old. She needs to grow up. She needs to take responsibility for her life. If no one ever gets in her face and tells her to grow up and stop being so damn selfish and to stop playing with peoples lives she wont amount to crap... She and I have been through hell together. I wrote her a letter a few months back about her hehavior as a friend and I believe I posted about it in LS. She was upset at first and then came back to me and apoligized for her behavior and admitted she was acting like we were teenager friends. She said that letter make her realize she needed to grow up and learn to have adult friendships. We are not kids anymore.. So I'm thinking maybe this is another area in which I need to play a big sister role and put her in her place. I am alomst 8 years older then she is..
a4a Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 If she is 31 and has not grown- she won't ever. This woman just leads you back to your XH...... she is not a positive aspect of your life. But if you like the drama..... hold onto it. I am starting to think that you may be a bit into drama tho you say you are not. Why not start finding some friends that do more than hang out in clubs, have bad relationships or big time drama..... you know boring people that may enjoy having a good time without the drama?
Author basscatcher Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 If she is 31 and has not grown- she won't ever. This woman just leads you back to your XH...... she is not a positive aspect of your life. But if you like the drama..... hold onto it. I am starting to think that you may be a bit into drama tho you say you are not. Why not start finding some friends that do more than hang out in clubs, have bad relationships or big time drama..... you know boring people that may enjoy having a good time without the drama? Hmm Lets see, I live in a huge metro area. I have lived here 3 years. My first year here I didn't know anyone!! I finally was able to somewhat connect with a gal who use to work here. I went out with her a few times with her Aunt and that is how I became friends with her Aunt. The girl from work took a different job and she also has shown displays of bi-polar. Her mood swings are unbearable and she and I have drifted majorly and her aunt and I have become close--very close.. Then the Drama Queen moved here and she came into my very small circle of friends. My group of friends here is: The Bi-Polar one The Bi-Polar ones Aunt The Aunts 2 daughters (one is a preppy snot) and the drama queen. I dont' go out alone. I didn't go out until I met the girl from work....!! Other then that I don't have a social life. I dont' have the time.. I work 8-5 M-F. Its about 6pm by the time I get home, then I have to make supper, eat, clean it all up and by then its bedtime. There isn't really anyplace in public that interests me in hanging out at to meet people. I don't do coffee shops.. Library's bore me. It's to expensive to join a athletic club. Church is mostly old people who don't talk to anyone. I've started small talk with lots of people around here and nothing leads anywhere. The saying if you've heard it "Minnesota Nice." is a bunch of hogwash. MN isn't that friendly unless they can get something from you.. I have my small group of friends, we go out dancing almost every weekend. We laugh, have lots of fun and watch out for one another. The only one I really am having issues with is Drama Queen and our families are very close. She has been like a step-mother to my son for the past 4 years. Her children and I very close. She and I talk on the phone everyday. The friendship she and I have created is almost like sisters. That is why I feel the need to confront her. I still hesitate because I know she will trip out big-time if I don't handle it right.. She is very reactive... At 31 she can change... If she chooses too... She is unhappy with her life.. She has shown attempts at making better decisions but she is falling backwards again.. I don't want to give up on her... I'm thankful to my friend who didn't give up on me or I would be another one who plays games with other peoples lives... I don't like drama. Seriously, it literally exhausts me. I use to thrive off it. I use to feed energy off it when I was in my 20s. I just don't find it exillerating anymore. I stil tolerate it around me more then I should I do know that. But as for pulling me into the drama--I don't want it.. This is why I am feeling the need to confront her..
blind_otter Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Instead of confronting her you can disengage from her when she gets like this. The best lessons IME are the ones you learn yourself. IF you alwasy have people bail you out no, you actually DON'T make progress. Personally I think you're using her drama to distract yourself from YOU.
Author basscatcher Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 Instead of confronting her you can disengage from her when she gets like this. The best lessons IME are the ones you learn yourself. IF you alwasy have people bail you out no, you actually DON'T make progress. Personally I think you're using her drama to distract yourself from YOU. Thats the problem. She has never had anyone bail her out. She has always ran rampant with her life and no one has stepped in.... No one has stopped her and got in her face and said she needs to stop and think about the consequences... This woman was married at 14 yrs old, She is from the south.. She has been married 6 times and has 6 children. She only has custody of 2 (one is handicapped) of them. 2-3 out of 6 children are handicap. Her father molested her as a child and died in prison in which she had to testify against him that lead him into prison, her mother abused her and neglected her and is now dead. The closest sister she has is co-depenant living with a very controlling and abusive husband so she is of no good to her and she wont go back to that enviroment. The rest of her siblings are scattered all over the country and she has no contact with them either... She didn't even graduated from High School. She was a exotic dancer for 10 years.. During those 10 years she was in the drug, and sex scene.. She lost custody of all her children but 2, she gave up the dancing, drugs and drinking (she doesnt drink when we go out.), she is addicted to the feel good high of male attention. She is tired and crys she wants to change her life around. She doesn't like the way it has been. She keeps her past a huge secret from almost everyone. She is a kind, caring, loving person with a big heart but she really needs help. I constantly tell her she needs to go back to counceling but she says she can't. She can't afford it. DHS (Department of Human Services) is ready to take her help away because she has been on it for too long. She still has 2 children to support and without a education it is hard for her to find a good paying job in which she can support her and her children. She succeeded in completing 6 months of religous preparation to become baptised. She left our abusive X and hasn't gone back to him even though she is playing emotional mind games with him and herself. I realize I can't help her to change her life completely. I know I can't do this. But I can support her and encourage her to seek the help she needs.. I see progress in her and I see her attempts to change her life around. If I give up on her who will be there for her??? NO ONE.. She has no one here. No family.. She came her because of our X-arse-hole. I am not her caretaker but I am her friend.. She has no where to go. She has no family to help her or go to. She is in my life and I can't walk away from her like this. I care to much about people and I am a helper. If I was in her shoes I wouldn't want someone to give up on me. I wasn't walking a bad road years and years ago and I had a friend get in my face and then step back. It hurt like hell but I knew she was right. If I didn't change my life and my ways I was heading down a wrong road and would ruin my life and loose all my friends.. So I can't walk away completely.. This is why I feel the need to confront her hard about her activities... It is affecting my life directly.. If my XH wasn't calling me and using me to get to her I wouldnt be so bothered about what she is doing (its her life-even though I do care). But it is affecting my life.
blind_otter Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Well pada, that's how you heal. you hit rock bottom and claw your way out. Otherwise you never learn the lesson. And I do think that you're using this as a distraction from yourself. It's easy to be there for someone without involving yourself so intimately in their life. I had to learn this the hard way, myself, but ultimately it's necessary to do this if you want to make any progress for yourself. You can listen, be honest in the context of the conversations and acknowledge to her that her life sounds crazy, and that she needs to take control. This doesn't necessitate having an intervention, or immersing yourself in their healing process. All it takes is frank sincerity. Nothing more.
Author basscatcher Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 I understand what your saying B_O. I dont think I'm really looking to immerse myself or do a intervention with her. I want to confront her about her lying.. She needs to understand that her lies and deception is affecting other people and I won't allow her to continue it in my life.. I don't believe I am using her drama to ignor my own life. I am pretty content with where I am at with the Charlie thing and all. I'm sitting fairly content and relaxed. I have more energy in a possitive way and I don't feel the anxiety I did before I did the NC with him.. I don't believe the issue with the gf is a distraction from myself. This drama didn't really kick into full effect until yesterday after I have the conversation with my other gf and found out about Saturday night and the story the Drama Queen gave me. They don't match up. Besides my XH has left me msg on my vm saying that the Drama Queen is playing games with him, that she is calling him, that she is the one who has asked him to meet her downtown and she doesn't want anyone to knonw about it. I don't know if he is lying, she is lying or both of them are lying. All I know is I am tired of him calling me trying to drag me into all of it. She doesn't tell me much of anything regarding him but he sure makes the attempt to pull me in. If she wants to mess around with him then she better keep a leash on him.. I'm sick of him using me to get to her when she pulls away from him. This is her game and its affecting me so I want to confront her with it.. She is the player he is the pawn from what I can tell. He crys to me about her game.. I don't want to be the referee again.. I just rid myself of 2 rotton apples in my life now this situation needs to go into the mulch pit also. I'm going to confront her.. The more I debate this all out here she needs the lecture ... Then I need to pull back AGAIN... I've been debating on taking one of those dang phone calls from my XH and tell him if he wants me to answer him then he needs to listen to what I have to say or I will hang up and not accept calls again... They both need 2 x 4's across their heads.. ugh
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