transitional girl?

[Stuck]

Hi everyone,

 

I've written in a few times about a rather debilitating crush I had on a close friend of mine. That's going nowhere, so I'm putting that behind me. And putting that behind me has become much easier since I recently met someone else, and now I have a concern about this and would like to ask for your opinions.

 

I met the new guy just a week ago -- maybe it's even early to talk about this. We've only been out a few times, but I can see that I really, really like him already. We don't know each other all that well, although we have talked an awful lot. By all indications, he really likes me too.

 

My concern is this: he told me last night that he just broke up with an *extremely* long term girlfriend two months ago. I really do not want to be the transitional girl. Really. He said that relationship was bad for months and he doesn't feel bad at all about ending it, and he is still in touch with the girl, and they are friendly to one another. He said he realized he didn't want to marry her, and that would have been the next logical step in their relationship.

 

But...Everyone needs some time alone, I think. I don't want to be with him for a few months, totally fall in love and then have him realise he really needs some time to sow wild oats, or whatever.

 

How can I handle this? My urge is to spend as much time with him as possible, but maybe that's exactly not what I should be doing. I voiced this concern to him, and he assured me he is fine. I don't know what to do. Is it possible that he's really fine?

[Ed]

The chances of this becoming a "transitional" relationship are increased by being the first girl he dates after breaking up with someone else. It does not mean you will be. A lot depends on how the old relationship died and what state of mind he is in. You will only be able to find out what state of mind he is in, by being around him and seeing how he talks, acts and treats you. Of course, being around him to find out this information puts you at risk.

 

Talking about it or telling him, "I don't want to be a transitional person in your life" will not make any difference. Just because he doesn't want it to be, you don't want it to be or neither of you "thinks" this will be a transitional relationship...it could still happen. You take risks in every relationship you voluntarily enter into. If you decide to keep seeing him, just be a little leery and cautious for a while and pay attention to whether he "talks the talk" AND "walks the walk" of a single man.

 

I would not be worried if he kept in contact with his ex-girlfriend, OCCASIONALLY - FROM A DISTANCE. If they still get together and see each other, for any reason, I would be VERY cautious.

 

Single guys and girls who are worth having don't stay on the market very long. Aside from the contact with the ex, if he is thoughtful, considerate and treats you in a respectful way, I can't see any reason not to keep dating him, but take it slow. You are already aware of the increased risk you take by dating him at this time in his life. Just remain aware of that, don't let him take advantage of you and should be OK.

[Tony T]

I would use extreme caution. Unless he's a cold, unfeeling fish he will be going through a lot of emotional stuff for a while. I'd stay clear of any involvement with him right now. And if you're around for him to discuss his ex with, you'll have no chance of every being romantically involved with him.

 

But you need to make your own decision on this based on your own gut feelings.

[Sue]

How did you guys meet? How old are you? Do you guys talk about his relationship with his ex- how long were they together? How does he act towards you? I feel like I'm missing some info, but I definately agree with the above post. Regardless of what you or he may say, you are indeed the first girl he's dating since the breakup you in a way are transitional no matter what, it's just how you guys decide to handle it that will make the difference as to how long it will last. Go slow, act aloof, and just relax and be yourself

Hi everyone, I've written in a few times about a rather debilitating crush I had on a close friend of mine. That's going nowhere, so I'm putting that behind me. And putting that behind me has become much easier since I recently met someone else, and now I have a concern about this and would like to ask for your opinions. I met the new guy just a week ago -- maybe it's even early to talk about this. We've only been out a few times, but I can see that I really, really like him already. We don't know each other all that well, although we have talked an awful lot. By all indications, he really likes me too.

 

My concern is this: he told me last night that he just broke up with an *extremely* long term girlfriend two months ago. I really do not want to be the transitional girl. Really. He said that relationship was bad for months and he doesn't feel bad at all about ending it, and he is still in touch with the girl, and they are friendly to one another. He said he realized he didn't want to marry her, and that would have been the next logical step in their relationship. But...Everyone needs some time alone, I think. I don't want to be with him for a few months, totally fall in love and then have him realise he really needs some time to sow wild oats, or whatever. How can I handle this? My urge is to spend as much time with him as possible, but maybe that's exactly not what I should be doing. I voiced this concern to him, and he assured me he is fine. I don't know what to do. Is it possible that he's really fine?

[Lilly]

Hi Stuck,

 

Ed, Tony and Sue have all given you great advice. I would like to just add something based on personal experience.

 

I got involved with a guy who's situation was similar to yours... met him 2.5 months down the track after having 'just' broken up with someone from a 2 year relationship (I assume 'extremely' long would be longer). He said the exact things your guy has said... it was bad for months, no bad feelings about it ending, still in touch with the girl and friendly to each other, they wanted different things as far as commitment went which is why they split.

 

I thought as you did... didn't want to get involved and be the rebound girl, didn't want to fall for someone who still had residual feelings for another etc, etc (I see now that was my instinct talking). Gave him every opportunity to back out, he assured me he was over 'it' as he had started accepting and dealing with the emotional fallout when they were together (it being bad for months and all)... I trusted that he knew himself well enough to honestly say, yes I'm ready. He wasn't, not by a long shot. I got hurt.

 

I'm not saying he's lying, he may genuinely believe he's ready, he's fine, just as this guy of mine was. Someone might THINK they are ready logically but when it comes to emotions and the subconscious it's another story. As Tony has said unless he's a cold, unfeeling fish he'll be dealing with his emotional stuff (subconsciously, even if he doesn't realise it consciouly) for awhile. Especially if it was a long-term relatsionship.

 

As Sue said, like it or not getting involved with him now WILL make you the transitional girl no matter what, you are the first girl since long relationship. Be VERY cautious, better still, just don't get involved right now.

 

No matter what don't be around to discuss the ex, as Tony said, you really won't have any chance of being romantically involved, he'll just see you as a someone who was there to console him after his breakup (emotionally and/or physically). Go with your gut, go very, very slow (perhaps see him once a week), watch how he treats you. The big red flag to me would be how often and in what manner he mentions the ex. This guy of mine would pop her name in once or twice everytime I saw him (often in demeaning ways, comparing me to her). If someone needs to be doing that then they are definately not over the relationship OR the ex!.

[Stuck]

Hi everyone, and thank you for your thoughtful comments.

 

Sue, to answer your questions, I'm 28 and he's two years younger. We met after having made eye contact and smiling at eachother a couple of different ocassions in a pub that we both happened to hang out at on the weekends. We finally just said hello and ended up talking all night.

 

He acts like a perfect gentleman around me, treats me wonderfully. He is sweet and funny and sincere, and just an all around nice person. We spent both days of the weekend together and talked by phone during the week a little bit.

 

He has only mentioned the ex once when he said that he'd been dating her for five years and living together for part of that time. He said she's got a new boyfriend and it didn't bother him. I didn't want to press the issue, although I said that I still feel upset seeing the guy I broke up with four years ago with his new girlfriend. I added that he probably needs to take it slow right now.

 

But we are not doing that (I don't mean to say that we are physically intimate, but we are spending massive amounts of time together). He is already making plans for the coming months...and he said he got me a christmas present (I got him smth too, but just a little trinket that I thought he would enjoy). If it weren't for this, I would not at all be worried about this - it is going incredibly smoothly. It's just that I realise I am already starting to like him a lot and I am trying to protect myself a little bit.

 

I will try to cut down on how much we see eachother. What else can I do? I can't tell him I don't want to see him just because he's just had a girlfriend. I think, though, if I were in his shoes, I would not be ready for - or even want - a new relationship so quickly.

 

Thank you once again for your comments.

[Sue]

Dear Stuck,

 

I read Lilly's post and have to agree strongly. The reason I was advising to take things slow in my previous post was because the same thing happened to me that did to Lilly. Of course I'm not saying this is the case with you, but being through something simliar, I wanted to share my experience so that you can go into this with some good perspectives. Other than what Lilly and Tony have said it doesn't sound like there is much more you can do. You said you see each other on the weekends and talk everyday- that does sound like a lot in my opinion, but I think you can tell what is too much and what is too little. Do you live nearby each other? Are you planning on spending the holidays together? Either way, I would say just do what your heart tells you and maybe leave most of the choices up to him- I don't mean to say give him control, I just mean don't initiate - let him. It sounds like you have been doing a good job of that. Good luck and keep us updated!

 

Happy Holidays !

Hi everyone, and thank you for your thoughtful comments. Sue, to answer your questions, I'm 28 and he's two years younger. We met after having made eye contact and smiling at eachother a couple of different ocassions in a pub that we both happened to hang out at on the weekends. We finally just said hello and ended up talking all night. He acts like a perfect gentleman around me, treats me wonderfully. He is sweet and funny and sincere, and just an all around nice person. We spent both days of the weekend together and talked by phone during the week a little bit. He has only mentioned the ex once when he said that he'd been dating her for five years and living together for part of that time. He said she's got a new boyfriend and it didn't bother him. I didn't want to press the issue, although I said that I still feel upset seeing the guy I broke up with four years ago with his new girlfriend. I added that he probably needs to take it slow right now. But we are not doing that (I don't mean to say that we are physically intimate, but we are spending massive amounts of time together). He is already making plans for the coming months...and he said he got me a christmas present (I got him smth too, but just a little trinket that I thought he would enjoy). If it weren't for this, I would not at all be worried about this - it is going incredibly smoothly. It's just that I realise I am already starting to like him a lot and I am trying to protect myself a little bit. I will try to cut down on how much we see eachother. What else can I do? I can't tell him I don't want to see him just because he's just had a girlfriend. I think, though, if I were in his shoes, I would not be ready for - or even want - a new relationship so quickly. Thank you once again for your comments.

[Stuck]

Thanks again. And happpy holidays!!! (It's -20 celsius here, so I'm quite grateful to have someone at least close by right now!)

Dear Stuck, I read Lilly's post and have to agree strongly. The reason I was advising to take things slow in my previous post was because the same thing happened to me that did to Lilly. Of course I'm not saying this is the case with you, but being through something simliar, I wanted to share my experience so that you can go into this with some good perspectives. Other than what Lilly and Tony have said it doesn't sound like there is much more you can do. You said you see each other on the weekends and talk everyday- that does sound like a lot in my opinion, but I think you can tell what is too much and what is too little. Do you live nearby each other? Are you planning on spending the holidays together? Either way, I would say just do what your heart tells you and maybe leave most of the choices up to him- I don't mean to say give him control, I just mean don't initiate - let him. It sounds like you have been doing a good job of that. Good luck and keep us updated! Happy Holidays !