brownshugahc Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I don't know what has happened. I've known OF a friend for 2 years now, but recently became close to him in March. He and I always joked about hookin up but never did, and I had just escaped a bad break-up, so I bitched about that to him constantly, but he listened, then a month later this friend haulted our phone calls to talk to a girl, in which they slept together. So I was kind of insulted, but not really beacuse we were just friends really, but STILL--I kind of started to like him...so, a few months later in about beginning of June I start becoming best friends with this friend, while meanwhile moving on and talking to this other guy, and he's a DREAM!..we're hittin it off great, then by about July (currently) we call ourselves an item. However, in doing so, this guy I call my best friend (as he also calls me) tells me he's starting to fall for me. I'm like what??! and really thinking oh **** cause I've already moved on but I like you!...so did I mention (again) that this particular guy is my best friend?..so what makes it worse is that we still have conversations nightly...4 hours on end, just because he's an excellent conversationalist. He tends to ask me why I won't just come to terms that I like him more than my new beau and date him, but really I'm thinkin "why didn't you just date me first instead of that other girl!?"...but my boyfriend is falling hard for me, and I just dont feel that way (not sure if because I like someone additionally to him, or because my boyfriend's not a match...I haven't figured that out yet, which is why I'm here on this site LOL)...but I think the best friend just has a strong sexual attraction to me, and I fear that if I were to ever make it work with the friend and it fails, I'd lose a good friend, a boyfriend, and some dignity when I could have just NOT changed my status. I know the best friend is what I've always WANTED and dated (and I've had his TYPE fail on me before), [excellent sex drive (but we have not slept together), attractive and VERY GOOD communicator], but the boyfriend is what I've always NEEDED and what I've dreamed, [2 jobs, in school for medicine (we go to school together), NO KIDS (neither does the best friend), and has a history of long distance relationships (which is ALWAYS good in a man, for it shows stability....as where the best friend has NEVER been in love and won't allow himself to fall, but somehow claims I'm worth the try)] and my feelings are slightly smaller than my boyfriends (however it HAS been ONLY a month I suppose, and it doesn't mean it's not good for you when its not smacking you over the head making you feel all head over heels...many women go through so much UNHEALTHY love that they dont understand HEALTHY love or know what it even feels like, so they pass off the guy, later regretting it.) So I'm confused...do I stick with the boyfriend? He's not pressuring me for sex, AT ALL, and very understanding I don't want to, plus he's great in every other light, or do I chase the best friend, who is initially my type, but my type always lands me heartbreak, and should I even risk losing a friend over a high sexual attraction!?...soooo sooooo confused!!
Walk Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Well... Personally (this is just my take on your post) I think what you feel for the best friend is the sexual desire/lust. He might be a great conversationalist, but he had the opportunity to initiate something with you when you were single, and he didn't. Now that you're "taken", now he says he wants you. Seems kind of fishy to me. He was fine going after another girl as long as he thought you were waiting in the sidelines. But now that you aren't... then he's all about YOU. Some how I think he's going to be disinterested if you suddenly became available to date again... Just my take on it. However, not sure I agree with how you're handling the situation. To me, you're bordering on an emotional affair. You're denying your bf that time, energy, effort that should be put into your new relationship, and instead giving it to someone else. (4 hour phone calls) That energy and time is given to someone outside the relationship. I understand the feeling of being torn between two people. And how confusing it can be. But I think if you honestly want to give your current relationship a shot, then you need to cut this friend out of your life. Stop contact with him permenantly, or until you are single again. If you're unwilling to do that, then you need to end the relationship with your bf. You can't have both, and if you don't make a decision, someone else will make it for you. And it'll probably be the choice you absolutely did not want. The friend had the opportunity, and time to strike soemthing up with you prior to this, yet didn't. Instead he chose someone else. He had a chance, and didn't want it. Why does he suddenly want it now? I'd be suspect of his motives in this. And I think you should be honest with your bf about your feelings for this guy friend. Unless you're willing to cut the friend from your life while your dating your bf. But you can't have both.
Author brownshugahc Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 ya know, you've hit just about EVERYTHING on the head with this issue I've already thought about, I just think it took someone else telling me for me to go "oooooooooooooh, I get it"....you're right, I'm depriving my man the time our new relationship deserves by emotionally pursuing someone who had the chance prior to my boyfriend. I know that the friend stated that his feelings are stronger all of sudden cause he didn't know he'd feel so strongly later in our friendship (as he does now)...I understand what you're saying...you're making tons of sense...its just up to me now I suppose. I got all the evidence, now I need to make a choice. Choose the man who didn't pursue me above another, or choose the man who pursued me the minute he laid eyes upon me. Wow, and ya know, beyond the extreme lust and sexual attraction I feel for best friend, it still doesn't matter because if he feels it so strongly WHILE I'm taken, then what makes ME so special he wouldn't pursue SOMEONE ELSE while HE's taken by ME...ya know??...you've made some pretty damn good points...I think I just need to stop all this with best friend because before best friend admitted all of his feelings to me, I was living care-free having the time of my life with this new found man. I really feel like EVEN THOUGH I'm crazy about best friend, and he may not have felt the same way at the time, I can't help that his feelings surfaced AFTER I moved on...yikes. Kinda confusing...but I know what I have to do I suppose. Thank you
Recommended Posts