Saying "I Love You"

[Guest]

So, it's late, and I can't sleep; I apologize if this gets a bit incoherent. I have been dating my boyfriend for about eight months now. He's absolutely wonderful--supportive, kind, smart, fun, rational. I am totally, completely crazy about him, to the point that I can easily imagine spending the rest of my life with him. And from the way he acts, I think the adoration is pretty mutual.

 

The thing is, neither one of us is very verbal about feelings and such. And I have gotten to the point where I'd like to just tell him how much I care about him, and I just want to say "I love you." But I've never said that to anyone, and I'm kind of terrified to say it now. I find myself looking at him and thinking it at the top of my lungs (haha) but saying it loud is just so...hard.

 

I grew up in kind of an awful family--my dad beat up on me, said awful things to me, my mom was just kind of distant and in denial, I think. I've never really felt close to them, or like I had people to fall back on. When I got older, like in high school, I made some very close friends, and slowly started trusting other people. But I've always been very independent--I ended up leaving home while still in high school, living on my own until I graduated, and then moving all the way across the country for college. It's really hard for me to ask people for help, and I'm not very good at letting other people. The boy has certainly made it easy for me to trust him and to let him take care of me on occasion, because he's just that amazing, but I just have such a hard time not simply doing it all by myself, especially because I've done (a pretty damn good job, I think) taking on the world by myself.

 

Ok, rambling. Back on subject. I think that, if he and I are going to get to the verbal stage, I'm going to have to be the one to initiate it. It's occurred to me that I've never heard him say it to anyone else. Like, I've heard him on the phone with his parents quite a few times, and I've never heard him say it to them. So I'm guessing that it just isn't something that he says regularly, or maybe at all, and maybe it's not in the nature of his family to say it. He's told me things like "I'm always here for you" and "You can always talk to me," but mostly I know how he feels because of the way he acts, the things he does, and not because he's constantly stating how he feels.

 

So, I have so many questions racing through my head. Do I really want to say it? What if I freak him out? What if I completely freak out? Do I have to keep saying it--if I'm going this crazy right now, am I going to obsess over it every time I want to say it? Will he start saying it? How weird will that make me feel? I've imagined him saying it first, and the idea makes me feel warm and fuzzy and terrified and pressured all at once.

 

I guess maybe this isn't as big a deal as I'm making it out to be--it's saying three silly little words, expressing feelings that I'm fairly certain he and I both share. But to me, it's the most terrifying act in the world. I can probably count on one hand the times I've said "I love you" to anyone other than my best friend (and it took me years to be able to say it back to her--I've known her since sixth grade, and her family and their open affection went a long way in molding me into a sane person.) Every other time I've said it has freaked me out at least a little bit. Why is it such a big deal? Gah, you all must think I'm rambly and obsessive and ridiculous.

 

So. Okay then. Rambling over. Any thoughts? I'm interested to know how people have felt about taking the plunge and saying it, how they've gone about it, and if anyone with maybe a background or situation similar to mine has felt the same way. Am I just putting too much weight on the whole thing? Thanks for reading!

[riobikini]

You are at the point where most people (almost always women) decide it's time for "The First Big Talk" -the conversation that begins with, " Look, we've known each other for X amount of time and I've been thinking it's time we talked about where we are..."

 

And those three little words strung together in an apprehensive, hopeful phrase -the "I love you" part- should *never* be thought of as silly, or insignificant; they're important and should be spoken genuinely, after much consideration, -and from the heart.

 

I agree that deciding on the approach and the timing is stressful and can be sometimes, perhaps, confusing.

 

It's too important to bungle.

 

There's always this possiblity that your partner will suddenly run the other way, simply because he misinterprets what you say to mean an impending (marriage) proposal, or some other unwritten document of commitment that most men dread discussing or being confronted with.

 

He (or she) may feel pressured into returning a similar response and not truly be feeling the same emotions to support and back up or reciprocate what you are feeling.

 

Those things are risk factors that are unavoidable -unless you simply decide to withhold bringing up the whole subject until it's your partner who can't hold it in any longer and bursts out with the "I love you" thing, first.

 

Approaching the subject almost always causes a mild anxiety on the part of the 'doer' and takes up a lot of your 'alone time' trying to come up with ways to bring it up. You swing back and forth between just boldly saying the words, or doing a kind of waltz all around it -right up to the point you let the words slip out, kind of 'incognito'. (Smile)

 

Then you wait for the response.

 

If your heart skips a beat or two and you have trouble maintaining control of your (usually) even breathing, -that's pretty normal in the seconds that follow.

 

If your partner says nothing, you wonder if he even heard you, -you may be even relieved and wait for a 're-try' later on; if he responds with humor, you may be slightly offended; if he asks you to repeat what you said, it spoils the romantic way you said it the first time; if your partner asks for a moment to "get his mind around it" you don't know what to do with yourself in the meantime.

 

If you both flounder a little after you've said it, give it time to sink in. Don't retract what you've said and maintain as much 'cool' as you can muster.

 

Keep your confidence, -men don't often respond as quickly as females, they need time to absorb.

 

Of course, there's always the exception to any situation; he may just be as eager as you to hear -and say- those words.

 

That's the ideal kind of response we all hope for if we're truly in love with someone; no waiting, no hesitation, no stunned look, at all, -just total, immediate acceptance.

 

And he *could* respond that way, depending on all the facts surrounding your relationship that you have not stated here.

 

You know him better than anyone reading this; you have 'inside' information about your relationship that articulates and acknowledges the details of his individual personality (i.e. probable reactions, behavior) -and although we can never predetermine the *exact* outcome regarding how anyone will respond, it's still reasonable to think you may have some idea of how he feels about the topic of love, romance, and commitment -simply because of the eight months you have known him.

 

My advice is to take what you *know* about him, suck in a deep breath, take the plunge, and tell him how you feel about him.

 

Choose a time, place and approach that (first) makes *you* comfortable, as well as your partner (determining that from all the info you know about him).

 

I recognize that you are confronting a very difficult personal issue for yourself (stating emotions of love to anyone else) -but it's sad -and unneccessary- to avoid those opportunities to say "I love you" to someone due to fear that the feelings will not be returned, and/or that you will appear foolish in stating your feelings.

 

I think that, perhaps, no one is ever *completely certain* (especially in fairly new romantic relationships) whether a partner has grown to the same level as far as love emotions are concerned.

 

But *saying* that you love someone when you truly do - relying on timeless words to attempt to convey the emotions that exist inside of us- is not something anyone should ever miss out on.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio