megnog Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 hi okay so i'm a pretty jealous person and blah blah i hate when my boyfriend checks out girls and i'm so jealous of pretty girls, all that nonsense. what i'm curious about is how do we know when to trust someone? i feel like i've got some serious jealousy and insecurity problems and i fear i will have them for the rest of my life. and people tell me not to be so jealous and that i'm getting all worked up for nothing.. but then there are people ON HERE, ON LOVESHACK, talking about how they absolutely love their girlfriend/fiance/wife but they met another woman and can't stop thinking about this new woman. its like.... what the f*ck? i don't understand it. i think about these things CONSTANTLY. like what if my boyfriend meets someone today? what if hes met a girl online and is going to meet up with her? what if when he goes out tonight he cheats on me and he never tells me? these are thoughts that cross my mind almost all the time and it just scares me and sometimes brings me to the point where i start to cry because i just hate being in a position where i don't know whats really going on, and i'm scared. this whole thing almost makes me not want to ever deal with relationships because its so intense for me. and i thought talking on here would help me through my problems but i find so many men on here talking about cheating and thinking about other women and just... its bringing me down so bad. i don't know what to think anymore. how do people just trust other people ?
Tony T Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 There are many men on this forum who love their wives or girlfriends dearly and most sincerely want to do everything possible to work things out. I strongly urge you to move away from the cheating forum and threads and over onto other areas of the site where you can view evidence of what I wrote above. If you stick to the cheating area, that's pretty much all you're going to be seeing.
norajane Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I've said it before, so I'll say it again: we will meet people that we are attracted to all the time, our whole lives. Regardless of whether we are happy in love with someone else, we will meet these people. It's perfectly normal and natural, and it happens all the time. However, we do NOT have to act on those attractions. I think that's where a lot of people get confused. They think that just because they've met someone they're attracted to, that they MUST do something about it, they must follow up on it, or that there must be something wrong with their relationship. Some people are smart enough to realize that their attractions are superficial and based on initial impressions, and they can't compare to the love that develops over time, and the intimacy that develops and grows over time. Some people aren't. Some people are downright stupid and flit from one attraction to another their whole lives, never really understanding what it is to be loving and to give and receive love. You can't tell who will cheat and who won't. There are some warning signs, of course, but the only way you really know is through time. Taking that chance with someone can be scary, but if you never take the chance, you will never have a chance to be with one of the ones who don't cheat.
luvtoto Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 how do people just trust other people ? I understand, Megnog. I've had trust issues all my life. First off, try not to play the "what if" game. It'll drive you crazy if you let it. Second, I've been single for quite a while now, because of a couple bad relationships where I basically got crushed into a million peices. Took me years and alot of alone-time to get my head screwed on straight again. My main problem was that I didn't trust MYSELF. I didn't trust how I would react to being cheated on. I didn't trust how I would react to being alone. I didn't trust how I would react to being dumped. I didn't trust how I would react to being hurt so bad. I didn't trust ME. I didn't know myself well enough. I didn't have good coping skills in my life. Now, after years of discovering exactly who I am, I've learned that the next time I get hurt again, I'll be ok. I will just walk away next time. Holding my head high with an unbreakable attitude. I'll be thinking, "Hey buddy, I've been through much worse than this. I'm positive I'll be just fine." But, it's weird ... cause now that I seem to have this new attitude...I don't find myself getting hurt anymore.
Curmudgeon Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Well, I'm a man and I work with and around attractive women every day (they're thicker than theives when you work in politics) but I love my wife dearly and would never stray. If I was ever inclined to I'd be honest enough to leave my wife first because I take our marriage and vows seriously. Any of us can worry ourselves sick about a lot of things. In the final analysis it all comes down to trust. You either have it or you don't. Unfortunately, you don't appear to.
jgcampbell300 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 sounds like the boat im in. well just a heads up its a sinking boat. you eather trust or you dont. I wish i could find somone that would be with me 24/7 all the time and be happly in love for the rest of my life. I know this will not happen so i am accualy trying to find a shrink i can afford to fix these and many more of my problams. one good thing is reading the posts here have helped me a bit in relizing im not the only person that dosnt trust. all i gota do now is find a way to Know me and be happy. then maybe i can have that life long love i have wanted all my life. Maybe then i can have a child or two you know the rest white picked fence etc. well i bleave i ramble alot so ill shut up and let life work its own problams out.
Spectre Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 It isnt just the guys, anyone who posts here about cheating will constantly prattle on about how they still love whoever they're cheating on, it's rather amusing.
bab Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I agree with Jg. Counseling sounds like a good option. You are doing constant damage to both yourself and your relationship by worrying about these things all the time. If you would just let go and risk it, there is a chance that you wouldn't get hurt at all. Right now, you are guaranteed hurt. See a counselor because being constantly suspicious is no way to have a relationship.
Walk Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I think the counseling would be a good place to start. Also, I'm probably wrong in this... but I think more people then not, want to have a fulfilling relationship with the person they are with. Its when they aren't happy that they start looking outside the relationship. And in my experience, most of the time your partner is telling you what they are unhappy about, and what they'd like to see, prior to cheating. (Not always, but in my experience. so take it with a grain of salt) I guess I've tried to take the outlook of attempting to do my absolute best in a relationship. And if that isn't good enough for the person and they feel they can get better somewhere else... then I wish them the best. I know how painful and isolating it feels to have your partner ignore what you consider a problem. Even when you bring it up repeatedly. So if you are paying attention to your partners words and feelings, and you are doing everything in your power to resolve any those issues... (not just agreeing and then discarding it) then chances are the person isn't going to cheat. (not a definite, but lowers the chances) It'd probably be better to focus all that energy you put into worrying about infedelity, into showing your partner how much you love and appreciate him. Hopefully in ways he's expressed he'd like to see more of. That's a lot of energy that could be spent in reinforcing the relationship, rather than picking at the chinks and holes. Anyway, that's what I try to do when I start feeling insecure or jealous. Its hard not to worry, but if I know I did my absolute best in the relationship, then his cheating isn't a reflection on me. Then it's a reflection on his flaws and problems.
Author megnog Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 such great advice everyone, thank you so much. it is good to know i'm not the only one and that i'm not just crazy. norajane - yeah i know hes GOING to find other people attractive. and i feel like i should trust his actions because he hasn't done anything to my knowledge that would be untrustworthy. but i'm just constantly thinking how he likes brunnettes and i'm a blonde, or how i've got some chub and there are girls surrounding him that have great figures with boobs that could qualify for perfect melons. its just hard , i guess. its so hard to deal with the fact that i'm never going to look like his perfect girl. and its not all that either - its like girls that are going to make him laugh more than i can or girls that are smarter, which i'm feeling like i'm having a big problem with. sometimes i feel immature because of our 8yr age difference, and that scares me that he will begin to like someone who has all these great features that i don't. anyway, i don't have trust. i really don't. i can remember when i was a kid i thought my mom was trying to kill me when she'd blow dry my hair for me. i thought that if electric things got wet they'd burst into flames so i thought my wet hair would do the deed. anyway, its crazy but its true. i need to work on that , i know. i've tried going to a counselor, and perhaps i should try again, because i ended up getting some old lady who was more interested in talking about my school work than anything else. really not a person i could open up to. plus its not like i have a whole load of cash so that could be tricky. i'm so crazy jealous about my boyfriend possibly liking my sister that i wont have them in the same room together. its really bad but its makes sense to me - they have sooooo many things in common, its really just eating me up. like i'll be hanging out with her one night and then him the next night and they talk about similar things, watch same things (movies/tv shows), just have the same knowledge on everything and that is bringing me down as well. i know i will have to get over it but i just don't even want to try. i've wondered too, does anyone think that i can grow and learn to love myself if i wasn't still with my boyfriend? i know it sounds crazy but thats what my siser has suggested when i've vaguely mentioned some of my problems to her. i've been with him since i was 16 and i've always hoped i'd grow out of this stage. but would that.. not happen if i was with him for the rest of my life?? i don't know...it kind of makes sense to me but it could just be dumb ****. alright well thanks again, sorry this was so long. i really appreciate everyones advice.
Guest Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 megnog here.. i see i've been faded away. please don't forget about me! i'm in need of help
Rooster_DAR Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 In response to the previous threads, giving your self away totally is a definite risk and comes with devastating results if your partner strays or changes on you. Whatever you do, don't give up yourself and your dignity for anyone else and always maintain your self worth. Don't always agree with a partner you’re in love with just to keep the peace. Believe when I tell you, if you do everything the person you love (or trust them too much), they will most certainly lose respect and either stray or lose their level of love for you. Some relationships will be lifetime relationships (people who are mature, and tired of games), but most will not. It's very sad, but that's how human social behaviors work. I gave my recent EX everything, and opened her car door up for her until the day she ended our relationship. I rubbed her feet and neck every night, told her how beautiful she was, and got her a pillow for the couch every night we were together. A did all this because I loved her so much, and I got burned like every other nice guy out there does at some point. What I've learned is don't put your SO other in front of you, you will get burned every time. The way our world is now, it's hard to sustain a trusting, wholesome, and nurturing relationship because values have been lost by how busy our lives have become. Television and theatre (and primarily the workforce) all contribute to the problem by saying it's okay to dump your SO, and fall in the love with the romantic young stud/studette you met at work on a weekend business trip. You notice how everyone thinks these movies were so great, and a super love story. What about the poor fiancé that get's left out of the remaining movie script that has his heart ripped out and is emotionally wrecked by this crap. You may also notice that when your out with a friend who's having a hard time with their relationship, that a good number of friends (and you might be one of them), they try to cheer them up by hooking them up with another guy/gal? I will also tell you from experience, people who get into affairs or cheat will do a fantastic job of making their friends and family think their current partner is the problem, when most time their partner is the sane one in the relationship. People need to be responsible in relationships, or GTFO. Good Day!
kimmillah Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Megnog, I totally understand where you're coming from. I suggest not looking so hard outside of your relationship. There are always going to be people that are better, perfect whateva. But you have to believe that although you're not perfect, you are perfect for him.
ash8752 Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Rooster- I see that you have been burned. ANd I am sorry that happend to you, it' s really sad.But I dont believe there is a thing as too much trust in a committed relationship. You either trust, or you dont. Your ex maybe wasnt quite as deserving of all your love and attention, but does that mean that the next girl you get involved with is going to get the shaft and not have all you have to give. It seems not fair to the new girl, whether she is deserving (which i hope she is) or turns out not to be. I would hate it if my bf, just because he has been burned in the past, took it out on me and didnt give me all that he does. He does so much for me and we love eachother. I have been burned too, that doesnt mean i am going to do less for him. It did however, cause me to have insecurities and trust issues just like you Megnog. Meg- If you want the relationship to work you need to really try and realize this is all your baggage coming out. I used to think my stepmother was going to poison me whenever she made dinner. I know, sounds crazy, but our mind is going crazy with worrying. I will tell ya, i used to be really jealous too. I was uncomfortable when my bf was near my friends because they drink and smoke and so does he and i dont and they listen to his kind of music and i dont and they could be prettier. BUT HE CHOSE ME!!! I got counseling for my issues. I am getting much better already but as a female things may bother me from time to time. GOOD LUCK!
Kinger25 Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Trust issues can eat you up inside if you let them. It really does come down to what you think of yourself as to how much you do or dont trust your SO. I used to think that ALL men are cheats, but I was wrong. I have been lucky in my 25 years on this earth to fall in love with 2 men that have both been as faithful as they come. (So Far with the 2nd anyway!) You can sit there and worry that your BF is going to cheat on you for the rest of your life but think about this..... By worring about him cheating all the time you are making yourself miserable, which in turn, brings him down and makes him miserable. A miserable man CAN become a cheating man. You are becoming your own worst enemy in a way. There is no fool proof way of knowing that someone is trust worthy, sometimes you just have to take a risk on someone. If you never take that risk, you will NEVER be happy in love. If he cheats, he cheats, that's life. You deal with the consiquences of that IF it happens. Why waste precious time that you should be enjoying together on jealousy. Its ok to be a little bit jealous over your BF but dont let is consume you. You cant change the future but you can make the present as enjoyable as possible. We only live once. I think that if you try very hard megdon, I mean VERY HARD and try to trust your BF say just for a week to start off with. And I mean not just letting him do things that you normally wouldn't (i.e letting him the same room as your sis) but REALLY feeling trust towards him even if you are finding it the most difficult thing in the world. Keep it up for a week and see how differently you feel afterwards. I bet you any money the response from your BF will be positive and I can bet your bottom dollar that you will surprise yourself and may be one step closer to dealing with your insecurity issues. Try it. Its worth it.
Author megnog Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 thank you very much. all of you. i will try hard. but i still maintain that him and my sis are not going to be hanging out anytime soon. i know this sounds wretched but sometimes i wish i were dating someone else. i'd get all of this meeting the friends and family out of the way before my jealousy begins. i'm always a great person in ....like the first three months of the relationship. then it all goes downhill. sob. haha anyway thanks again. i will try hard. i repeat that saying in my head all the time "you only live once" and frankly, sometimes, i'd rather not live at all then. .. but thats just me being morbid
Rooster_DAR Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 ash8752, I never said I was going to take anything out on my next g/f's. I am just making a general statement that you have to be careful and not let go of your dignity, and don't be a ****ing doormat like I was. I guess you could say that I was burned, but I would not have been burned had I not allowed it to happen. Doormats get walked on.
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