VonDutch Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 OK, so, here it goes. My boyfriend is great, wonderfull, loving and caring. He is one of the best things that has happened to me in my life. We've been together for quite some months now. Although we have had our issues (his very close female friend), everything is resolved now. We spend every weekend together, at his house, from Fridaynight untill Sundaynight. We do fun things, go see a movie, go clubbing, to the beach etc, and have great weekends every week. Here's the bad part: When he brings me home on Sundaynight, I feel sad, misrable, and as soon as he drives off, I really really start missing him. Ive told him about this, but he thinks Im overreacting, as he says: We'll see each other within a few days. He is very good regarding emailing, phoning every day etc. But I just really miss him when he leaves.... We had a bit of an argument about it just now, him saying I shouldnt be such a drama queen. HOW do I stop missing him??? HOW??? I am a mess on Sundays, then Monday comes, and Im fine again. Its only the day we have to say goodbye. Does anyone have the same feeling? How do you make it stop?? Thanks VD
Guest Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Keep busy. Pick up a new hobby, read some good books, etc. It's likely you will always feel a little sad when he leaves - it's hard to go from a high, happy point to being alone and without - but you can do things to reduce that feeling. Have something to look forward to when he leaves. That book you really want to finish, that project you want to work on...things you can't do when he's constantly with you. Hang out with a friend. Good luck!
Pendawn Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I know the feeling well. It's not REALLy the feeling o fmissing them, it's the idea of not seeing them for a few days. Once you are living it, it's fine, but looking at it from ahead of time it just seems awful. I think it's healthy to feel that when you aprt, but even healthier to know you get over it the next day because that means you have a full life without your bf.
Sally00 Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Continuously spending the night and every waking minute with him for 2-3 days in a row EVERY WEEK will OF COURSE make you miss him so much. If you don't want to get so attached, doing this and acting like ya'll are living together and married and then having to leave will make you feel emotional. You might want to rethink your ritual.
basscatcher Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 This could be the signs of co-dependency also.. A healthy, balanced person won't feel sad, miserable, and as soon as he drives off when your in a healthy, balanced, fulfilling relationship. You should feel stable, content and happy even when apart. There is a difference in moderately missing someone and feeling sad and miserable when your not together. You know you will be together in a few days and you have the ability to call one another and say hi and good night in between times together. I would be careful and check to see if you aren't developing co-dependent tendencies. IMHO
lovestruck234 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 When I was first with my boy, I got really depressed when he left at the end of the night. I hated it! I was sad and grumpy, but I never cried. So I wouldn't see my experience or my actions as co-dependent tendencies, yet just not liking the fact that he's leaving and I wished he could stay longer. Now, 6-7 months down the track, it's still a bit of a drag to leave, but I'm not sad or depressed like I used to be. I make sure I give him a good and proper make-out session before I leave, and I'm good to go!! I'd like to point out that depressed feeling still comes back now and then. Especially if I'm having a bad day, he will sit there and cuddle me while I cry and then when it's time for him to leave, all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry in his arms till I fall asleep. Or if it's been a hard day I just need him there. It's normal at the first points of a relationship, but to be excessively all the time. The fact that you pointed out that your sad Sunday night, but then ok Monday morning is kinda odd. Maybe it just hits you hard when he leaves cos you've had such a good time with each other, you don't want him to leave. I look at it this way, pre-school. I would always have such a good day there, then when mum would come and pick me up I would ball my eyes out, then be over it the next day... Ok, probably a bad example, but anyway... If you've only been going out for a month or so, then yeah, it cos you're still in that cloud nine love feeling, but you should get over it. Put it this way, my bf and I have been together for nearly 7 months and we have seen each other every single night of the time we've been together and every weekend and we don't get sick of each other or get upset if we don't see each other one weekend. Oh, and we don't live together either. Every couple is different on the way they make it work, find yuor way, and make it work!! All the best!
Author VonDutch Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 Hi everyone, wow, thanks for all the reply's. You see, my story is even a bit more complicated than I stated in my OP. Im in college, he is working. We've been together for 9 months now I think. He has a big circle of friends whom he sees every week and we hang out with, I on the other hand, haven't got any friends. I used to have close female friends, but when we went to college, 4 years ago, we stopped hanging out. The thing is, my boyfriend has become my life, but I have not told him that, nor do I act like it. I will tell him that Ive done this and that with some girlfriends that Ive invented, and I know its wrong, but I dont want him to think Im some outcast or something. I only see him on weekends, dont demand to see him everyday, and he doesnt know how lonely I really am. I sit at home everyday, not having any girls to go out with, or shop or even meet for lunch. I think that is a BIG part in why I feel so sad leaving him on Sunday's. I have nothing to look forward to when I get home. I really dón't know how to handle this anymore. I know what youre going to say: join this, do that, meet people. Believe me, Ive tried. Ive joined sports, teamsports, started working, etc. I meet some girls, but its all very superficial, and the contact soon fades out. I think I need to tell my boyfriend about it. But Im scared and don't really know how. I posted about this in a different place, and people all said I should tell him. Now, I need to know HOW to tell him! Any suggestions would be very very welcome. Again, thanks for all the reply's VD
jessssss Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I understand the feeling you get when he leaves. i had a long distance relationship and i was in college and my bf at teh time was working about 2 hrs away. we'd visit each other on the weekend...spend friday night through sudnay together then i would have to leave. it did get easier but the thing i did was MAKE myself look forward to something. pic a tv show that comes on when you are missing him the most and stick with it...it may sound stupid but just get involved in it. as for the no friends...i'm at that point right now. i live with my bf but he is all i have as far as going out friends...all my gfs are in another state. it is so hard being without taht female interaction...and even harder to meet them. i've tried everything like you have said as well...just fades away or they already have their clique...it's hard. i'm still stuck rightn ow about finding friends. i've even thought of going on like myspace and networking friends from there, that seems so low to me but i'm getting desperate! so just want you to know i understand where you are coming from, atleast your mondays aren't bad. my mondays were hte worst...not sure i was much help but atleasty ou know you are not alone. where do you live...i could use a girl to hang out with!!
Author VonDutch Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 Hey Jessss, thanks so much for your reply. Its good to know Im not alone although I dont wish upon ANYONE that lonely feeling I have. I live over in Aussie so I dont think we'll be able to get together and shop or do something any time soon! If you ever find the magic cure to making real friends, let me know! I have noticed that the girlfriends of my boyfriend also hardly have any female friends. I have tried to befriend them, but unfortunately, they are not my type. They used to be great friends (like best friends) with my boyfriends ex girlfriend, so that makes it a bit weird as wel.
Infinity0530 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 VonDutch, I can relate to what you're going through. I once spent a summer in an area that I was new to and didn't know anyone, and dated a girl who knew and spent time with literally hundreds of her friends. I felt very similar emotions to those that you seem to be feeling. Whenever we spent a day or two together and then we had a few days apart, I simply felt so miserable and lonely. I have to agree with Jessss's post, which is that the best way to try and confront those feelings is to really try to find something else to get involved in, whether it be tv shows, sport groups, the gym, anything to keep you occupied really (as for me I'm a guy, I play online video games hehe ) until you get to see your guy again! But another thing I wanted to mention is that I think it is very normal to feel what you are feeling, and you are definately not an outcast. It is very (and I really mean very) hard to find good friends, even if you go to gyms or join sport groups and things like that. As for talking with him, if your feelings are starting to affect the relationship, as it seems like it is (e.g your argument that you mentioned with him), talking to him like others have mentioned might be a good idea. I have always thought that being honest is the best strategy in a relationship. I guess that would mean telling him that you don't have many friends in the area and that makes you feel extra attached to his companionship and support, which is why it is probably so hard to leave and be alone when you part. Well that's my quick take on things at least! Hope things go well!
lovestruck234 Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I live over in Aussie Hey, woo I was too scared to say anything in case people thought I was an outcast as well. I have also lost contact with my friends since I left school. I get pretty upset about it sometimes since he has a few friends he goes riding with and I don't really. I have made pretty good friends with his friends but still miss that female interaction as jessssss said. Well, VonDutch, where abouts in Oz do you live? I'm an Aussie too!! We could go shopping together!! Lol
allina Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 If you don't want to get so attached, doing this and acting like ya'll are living together and married and then having to leave will make you feel emotional. You might want to rethink your ritual. What??? Spending 2-3 nights a week together is not acting like you are married, it's how adult relationships usually work. Marriage is about so much more than sharing a bed together a few times a week.
lovestruck234 Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 What??? Spending 2-3 nights a week together is not acting like you are married, it's how adult relationships usually work. Marriage is about so much more than sharing a bed together a few times a week. Hmmm...yeah. I agree.
Fun2BMe Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 I can so relate to what you are feeling VonDutch. I get that same missing feeling with my boyfriends and it is awful. For example, I spent the entire Sunday with my boyfriend. You'd think I had enough of him but when it was time to leave to go home, I felt an empty upset feeling. In fact, over the weeks I've been seeing him, it is getting worse to the point I start experiencing it in the beginning of the visit and feel terrible knowing how much worse it's going to get when it's time for him or me to leave (depending on who is visiting who). Last night I started getting upset about this but didn't want to tell him what it was about so it seemed to him I was upset over something he had done. Tonight he came to visit me, feeling that he had to make up for upsetting me about something. When it was getting close for him to get going, I started feeling the missing feeling creeping up on me and when he was saying bye, I insisted walking him to his car and now I feel so depressed and sad he is gone. I have a busy life so unfortunately I don't think surrounding yourself with friends and more work will make too big of a difference. I experience this with all my boyfriends almost. It does help to get distracted but I wish I too knew how to solve this problem. I don't however recommend that you tell your boyfriend about it all. He already called you a drama queen when you're not. He just doesn't get it and it might cause problems. He will think you have a problem or are clingy or a drama queen or something. He won't understand what you are going through.
Sally00 Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 What??? Spending 2-3 nights a week together is not acting like you are married, it's how adult relationships usually work. Marriage is about so much more than sharing a bed together a few times a week. To me it is... with the "living" situation and everything. That's how I see it. LOL and I'm not saying marriage is just sharing a bed
Author VonDutch Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 wow, it's so good to read about other people's feelings on this topic. I was beginning to think I was a bit weird, with missing my boyfriend and having no friends etc. But I realise its more common than I first thought. Lovestruck, does your boyfriend know about you not having any females to hang with? If you're ever near Bondi, let me know and we'll shop till we drop Fun2bme, does your boyfriend know about the I Miss You Feeling you get when he leaves? Did you tell him? If so, how does he respond? What does everyone think, should I tell my boyfriend about my lack of a life (thats what it really is) and that therefore I am more prone to missing him, or should I let it slide and see how things go? We are going on a holiday in 2 weeks, for 10 days, boy, how is it going to feel being together for 10 days and then leaving him again.... Men!!
Infinity0530 Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Hi VonDutch, Well I can see why some people would say that it's not a good idea to talk to him considering he already called you a "drama queen" before, but then again, I don't know all the details of that situation and how the course of that conversation went. I guess whether or not you want to approach him again about the subject is up to you and your discretion. I also think you are being a little hard on yourself. It's only a lack of a life if you think about it in that negative way. Many people have trouble finding and keeping good friends (myself included). If anything, that is an example of life for you, not a lack of it! As for the I miss you feeling... I hope that maybe just talking about it with the members here on this forum will help you with dealing with the situation, so that things will work out for the best!
Guest Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 VonDutch... I wouldn't tell your boyfriend about your lack of life I'd go out there and get one and then the missing you thing should subside a bit and he'll notice you being happier and more independent. Girl if you are near Bondi what the hell are you waiting for? There are millions of things to do there... ways to make friends and meet people - do a class - yoga, thai chi, painting, language, take up surfing etc... join a group - walking, aerobics... different websites... I've found one in london called 'Ladies in London' its about about women who have moved to London and seem to not have very many good friends particularly girlfriends to go shopping with etc. (By the way I'm in London but from Australia). I'd bet there would be similar things in Sydney. Theatre groups, art groups, all sorts of things. Don't put all your eggs in one basket so to speak, don't expect your boyfriend to provide all your emotional and entertainment needs, you have to go out and do that for yourself. Girlfriends are a very important part of a girls life (i reckon) a good sounding board and have different perspective than men. The missing you thing - yes I've experienced it as well. I think it's hard whenever circumstances change you've spent all this time with this person and then they leave to go an do exciting new things without you (or so it feels) but if you can plan exciting things to do after he leaves then you can look forward to that and will help make the transition easier. Says she who has t minus 2 days before the guy she is seeing leaves the country!
lovestruck234 Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Lovestruck, does your boyfriend know about you not having any females to hang with? If you're ever near Bondi, let me know and we'll shop till we drop MAD! I'm about a 2 hr drive south of Bondi. Probably a bit more. I'm on the South Coast. Yeah, I'll let you know.... Yeah, he knows. I don't lie to him about anything. Once I left school cos I had a really bad run-in with a friend, that's when I pretty much lost contact with my friends. Yeah, I still talk every now and then, but I don't really socialise with them on weekends. He doesn't care though. He never brigs it up, really. I just go dirt bike riding with him and his mates and that's pretty cool. It's good to hang out with the guys, but sometimes I miss seeing the girls... I really think you should tell him. At the right tim, of course. There's no point making up stories like that, cos believe me, they AAAALL come out in the end.....been there, done that...just fess up. It will be so much easier and if he has enough repsect for you, he will understand. I don't think he would care, really, I don't. So what that you don't really have that many friends? Big deal! Look at me!! I now have a job and have made friends with my co-workers. You meet people on the way....and as much as I feel like I'll never meet someone to hang out with....I will, one day... Just tell your bf the truth, then get out there and go to things you know that you're going to meet people at....!!
insomnie Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Reading all these replies has made ME feel better too because I am in the exact same position as many of you (long term relationship, few friends and even fewer girlfriends.) I go to a huge university and it would seem like it would be easy to make good girlfriends seeing as how there are thousands of people my age....but honestly making very good friends that I like spending time with is hard. I met my boyfrined on my first day here and he kind of eliminated a lot of incentive to go out bond with others. Each semester I meet new people to hang around with but usually the friendships fizzle out...we end up not being interested in the same things, or we are at different places in our lives (ie all their social activities revolve around drinking and picking up guys, while I have a boyfriend at home...), or they are already "taken" by other girls, or something... I do have one best friend here, but he is a guy (gay), and although I usually spend some time with people being social on the weekends, usually these are gay best friend's friends that I would not feel comfortable calling up on my own, and because we are not close it isn't very fulfilling. I want a group of friends of my own =(. Don't feel bad Von Dutch! Just go out there and talk to people, join things...you have to keep trying! I'm going to go friend-hunting as soon as the fall semester starts here.... And, I agree that you shouldn't lie to your boyfriend, but I don't necessarily think you need to sit him down for a big confession or anything that dramatic, especially since he's never met your "friends". Just stop making things up. That way sooner or later he will have a more real view of what your social life is like, and in the meantime I really think you (and I! and it turns out a lot of people here on LS) should make more of an attempt to find those friends. Because I know I, at least, am WAY happier and more content with myself those times when my life does not revolve around one perosn, when my happiness comes from different relationships. And becuase I am more fulfilled and less needy, my relationship with the boyfriend is better as well.
lovestruck234 Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Reading all these replies has made ME feel better Me toooo! Oh my God, let's all go paint our toenails!!
Author VonDutch Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 Better yet, lets go and GET our toenails painted. And maybe the beautician will become our new best friend! I am raelly gratefull for everyone who replied to my topic. I feel better now, and more confident that I dont have to put on a mask towards my boyfriend anymore, regarding friends. He asked me my plans for the week , normally Ill say something like, oh im meeting so and so for dinner tonight, and Im going shopping with so and so tomorrow, etc. Now... I just said I had no plans, was chilling out by myself! The first step has been taken I look forward to being more active on this website and giving advice although I might not be very good at it! Have a great day everyone and to all my girls out there, London, New South Wales, wherever: UNITE! VD
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