Guest Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I recently became freinds with a guy. He is going trough a divorce. I knew him before he was married. The marriage lasted 6 months. We do not have sex, but we are relatively close. We speak on the phone daily and we share a great deal about ourselves. We have gone out to the movies. He paid. Last night (Saturday) he suggested we go to dinner. When the check came he asked me to split it stating that because we are only freinds we should each pay our own way. I felt insulted. Am I wrong?
Tony T Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 It's OK to feel whatever you feel. The guy may not have a lot of money...but he should have had enough consideration to tell you in advance he was expecting you to pay for half the check. After all, it was his suggestion that you go out to dinner. Just understand right now, he is going through a divorce and money for him is probably very very tight. Secondly, by what he did he is sending you a message loud and strong...the two of you are friends and friends only. It doesn't go past that. So I wouldn't be insulted necessarily...but I would be a little pissed that he didn't make things clear ahead of time. Let him know next time you talk to him...just do it in a discrete way.
Pink Amulet Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I started a thread based on this idea today too!- if you are interested. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94993/ I would say in this situation it would be a given that if he is not pursuing you romantically then he shouldn't have to pay? On the other side of that though is the idea that if he is pursuing you romantically and pays for dinner, was he soliciting prostitution if you sleep with him later on? I would say perhaps Tony T is right. He wanted to make a point of the "friendship" situation, and stress this by not paying. Perhaps he is still hurting too much to be interested in anything more than a friendship at this stage.
magichands Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 It's OK to feel whatever you feel. Exactly. It was his suggestion, and the exact details weren't hashed out. In general though, I like the idea of shared responsibilities. Whether that means taking turns paying, or splitting the bill. And it depends a lot on who is loaded... ... and I see that purely as a practical thing. Men might have a higher average wage than women - an unfortunate fact of life, but there is something very sexy about independence.
Tony T Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Men might have a higher average wage than women - an unfortunate fact of life, but there is something very sexy about independence. I do suppose... However, when out with a lady never, ever in my entire life have I given any thought to how much I made or how much she made. I have never, ever felt comfortable with a woman paying for all or part of a date, including food. Perhaps it's an old fashioned thing. I don't expect a woman to spread her legs for me because I paid for a meal or two or even dozens. I have gone out with women for months and months and never even approached the sex subject...and paid each step of the way. Maybe it's a generational thing...or maybe it's just me. Unless a woman expressed extreme discomfort with me paying...and not one has done that to date...and I am not young anymore...I would feel extremely uncomfortable if I did not pay myself. I have never attached any strings. I guess I am probably the most naive guy on the planet. Oddly, this issue has almost never come up for me. The times a woman insisted on paying, I let her do it and forgot about the whole thing five minutes later.
magichands Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I have never attached any strings. I guess I am probably the most naive guy on the planet. You're a keeper.
HokeyReligions Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Whatever you are feeling is normal - but he is setting boundaries and you have to respect that. In the future just make sure you both understand those boundaries and are prepared for them.
Outcast Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Maybe it's a generational thing...or maybe it's just me. Unless a woman expressed extreme discomfort with me paying...and not one has done that to date...and I am not young anymore...I would feel extremely uncomfortable if I did not pay myself. I have never attached any strings. I guess I am probably the most naive guy on the planet. Or one of the sweeter ones! But remember, Tony T, that ladies enjoy giving things to people, too, and don't wish to feel as though they are taking advantage of a gentleman's generosity - whether they are 'putting out' or not. There are ladies who aren't comfortable with the idea of being 'takers', after all.
Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Pay your own way sweetheart. He's your friend, not your BOYFRIEND and there's a HUGE DIFFERENCE.
AwkwardMan Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 When I invite anyone out to dinner I will pay, if I happen to be with another guy I'd be surprised if he didn't pay his own way, but I never expect women to. Maybe it's just because I wouldn't mind sleeping with any women I ask to dinner. If it's a group situation I usually expect my female friends to pay their own way.
BruiserKC Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Usually when I go out with my female friends for lunch or dinner usually we pay our way unless I specify I intend to pay for them (birthday, Christmas, etc). No fuss usually...although once my friend Victoria said that when we went to lunch that there was no arguing that she was going to pay her way. To which I told her...no argument from me, more money to spend on me later.
Guest Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 I recently became freinds with a guy. He is going trough a divorce. I knew him before he was married. The marriage lasted 6 months. We do not have sex, but we are relatively close. We speak on the phone daily and we share a great deal about ourselves. We have gone out to the movies. He paid. Last night (Saturday) he suggested we go to dinner. When the check came he asked me to split it stating that because we are only freinds we should each pay our own way. I felt insulted. Am I wrong? Why should he pay ? do all of your friends pay for your way? be fair . also if you were having sex with him would that mean he should pay for it ? pay your way if he requests,only if he requests ,is he only worthy of paying the bill? if you arent attracted to him tell him ! ssr
Butterflying Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Friends should always be prepared to pay their own way. Splitting the bill is a bonus. It's good to split the bill, especially when your share was more expensive than the other person's. It doesnt' matter who ask who out. When you are friends, you're on your own. Anytime a guy friend pays for me, I am okay with it on the first two or three dates. But I feel obligated to pay for them sometimes too. I don't like taking advatage of anyone. Recently, I had a guy friend who paid for our last two dates (dinner, movies, amusement parks). We went out one evening and I surprised him by letting him know that I appreciate all the dates we've had in the past where he paid. I annouced at the begining of this date that the entire evening was on me. He was very surprised. And he was okay with it. Like Tony T, this guy is the old fashioned type. If he's with a female, he thinks he's supposed to pay. But when I acknowleged the fact that he has paid enough, he didn't feel guilty about letting me pay. And he respects me more for not taking advantage of him. This action was an example of how great our friendship is and we both realize it.
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