Guest Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I've been seeing an older man (i'm 36 he's 52) for several months now. We live in different cities at the moment but have talked on the phone consistently for several months. The relationship has progressed and we have become intimate in the last two months. A little bit of history.... he has gone through a terrible divorce (6 years previous) with a woman who continues to torment him. He has split custody of his two young children(10 and 13). I've never met the children and he is understandibly reluctant to introduce me. I know he feels like he is in a constant battle with his ex and has a bad view of relationships. I genuinely believe I love him and could make the relationship work. Recently, we had a conversation that ultimately ended in him telling me that he is not in love with me. I'm wondering if he is so afraid of the whole concept of a relationship that he is also afraid to let me know he cares? Am I dreaming? This conversation just took place then he left with his children on vacation. On a normal week, we usually talk almost every night. Why does he call if he doesn't deeply care or is actually in love with me? I consider myself a reasonable person but this conversation stung me a little bit even though it wasn't my intent for it to go that way. My question is, should I move on or wait to see what he does. Don't get me wrong, I'm nobody's doormat. But then again, I don't want to throw something away or turn my back on something that could work. Please help.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 him telling me that he is not in love with me. I'm wondering if he is so afraid of the whole concept of a relationship that he is also afraid to let me know he cares? Am I dreaming? This conversation just took place then he left with his children on vacation. On a normal week, we usually talk almost every night. Why does he call if he doesn't deeply care or is actually in love with me? You're not listening to his words...You hear it but then put your own spin on it. He's told you he's not inlove with you. He has feelings for you and cares about you, probably more than he is letting on...But, when someone says "I'm not inlove you" it means just that. He calls because he likes you. He spends time with you because he likes you. The sex, the intimacy, all of that - Because he has feelings...But you can have a relationship, short term or long term when that "inlove" feeling isn't there...It's just not long lasting. The fact his ex torments him and he probably has some issues he didn't deal with is why he is the way he is now. He may feel he isn't ready to commit to something very serious. Plus, he hasn't introduced you to his kids, means he's NOT ready to. (That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, he just isn't comfortable with it, so don't take it personally that you didn't meet his kids.) How long exactly have you known him? And, after 2 months if he isn't feeling it, he isn't ready. All you can do is back off and see what happens. If you want to see how it plays out, give him space, let him miss you. Maybe some distance, time apart, he'll react in a good way. What does he want? To break up or keep things casual?
Guest Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Thank you for your honesty. To answer your question, I met him about 2.5 years ago but just started communicating about 1 yr. ago. He didn't say if he wants to break up or keep it casual, we didn't talk about that. I get the feeling he doesn't want to break up with me. I don't expect to hear from him until he gets back from his vacation with his kids, and that is ok, the time apart will be good like you said. And you are also right about needing to let him miss me. I'm currently working in the city where he lives for another 3 weeks. (i've been here for 1 month already). It will be interesting to see what happens when I leave. The other issue is.... I probably going to get moved to where he is with my job. Due to his bad divorce he has low self esteem. He said when we got together he doesn't understand why I would be attracted to him. (Just a side note) This could be another factor playing in. I guess I'll wait and see what happens. I think after hearing he doesn't love me (I never meant to go there), I'll back off a little. For me and for him. I do hear him. I understand that he is not in love with me. I guess the thing that suprised me the most was my reaction to it. I didn't know I felt as much as I did. Thanks for your reply
stillafool Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I've been where you are and I can tell you when they say "I'm not in love with you" that is what they mean. Mine told me that but said he cared a great deal about me. It still hurt because I felt if I was this in love with him surely he must feel the same way and just didn't realize it. I was wrong. People say what they feel and don't. Later I met someone who told me they were in love with me. I only cared for them. I knew then what my love was talking about. They do want to keep seeing you because you are fun, someone to talk to, and sex. I think he is just trying to be honest up front with you which you should be thankful for.
Guest Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 That is true, I guess I should be thankful. I guess I was hoping it would progress. It's harder for me to understand because I'm not this way with someone I'm not in love with or am falling in love with. When i'm not in love or falling in love, I don't want to have sex or spend so much time with that person.
stillafool Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I'm the exact same way. I don't understand men. That's what's confusing to us. Why act like you're in love if you aren't?
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