I can't live a lie

[Guest]

I've been married for 8 1/2 years. For the first 4-5 years it seemed like things were going along fine. But for the past 3-4 years my wife and I seem to have grown too far apart. We sleep in separate bedrooms, hardly speak except where needed to conduct our daily routine, and we have almost no common interests anymore. When we do have sex, which is rarely, it's just sex. There is no love making involved.

 

We are opposites in personality which was pointed out to us in pre-marital counceling, but I was too young and stupid to realize the danger then I think and she had just ended a long term relationship so she probably wasn't thinking right either. I know that she loves me because she says so often and will do kind things for me. But I've discovered that I no longer feel any love for her. It pains me greatly to think about the hurt I will inflict upon her to tell her this and to divorce her. I really feel like I'm living a lie and it's not fair to her. I've spent months agonizing over trying to figure out why my love just vanished and have tried to find some way to feel something for her, but when I look at her I feel nothing for her any more.

 

There is no physical, emotional, or any other sort of attraction for me anymore. I think that I've stayed with it so that she'd have a sense of security, but she makes good money now so that reason is no longer an argument. She has been away on a business trip for two weeks and not once have I even missed her. I know how cold that sounds, but I'm just being honest about what I (don't) feel. I really think the time is long over due to own up to the truth and let her seek the love she deserves. I plan on having this talk with her when she returns from her trip. My mind is made up, I've put this off too long. I'm mostly looking for advice on the gentlest way to break the news to her so that she'll know that I'm not doing this to hurt her but to give her a chance at a real love that goes both ways.

 

Thanks for any guidance you can offer.

 

-Lost in Despair

[norajane]

Try something like this: I'm sure you're aware that our marriage is in trouble. Have you given any thought to what we should do at this point? Would you like to try marriage counseling?

[Gunny376]

No matter how you present it, its more than likely going to like dropping a bomb on her ~ and then again it might not be. She might actually show relief ~ because she's been thinking the same thing.

 

But, lets take the worse case, and assume that's she's living in la~la land, and prefectly happy with your marriage. Even though you're not.

 

I think the best way would for you to write her a letter, while she's away, and your feelings are strong on the subject. And, then give it to her. Be kind, be gentle, be loving, be thoughtful, be tactful, (put yourself in her shoes as thoough the roles were reversed) Give her to in person, and then stand by to stand by. Whatever you do, "man-up" and be a man about it. Do what you know is "right" and "honorable" and for the love of God ~ just do the right thing.

 

I would offer counseling and to go to couseling ~ just to answer all the "why's" and to help her find acceptance of this, and to give herself closure ~ which can really screw you up for years and years. But, be up front about it. Let her know that's the reason you're doing it ~ for her ~ and not to put it back together ~ that's its a de-briefing of the marriage.

 

Its very true what they say about marriage. When you get married you're actually marrying three different people?

 

The person you think you're marrying

 

The person you're actually are marrying!

 

And the person that is going to come about as a result of having married you!

 

Best of luck, keep us posted!

[Guest]

Thank you for the good advice. As it turns out my wife had a short pit stop during her business trip and was home last night. She was upset when she arrive and I found out that both her mom and sister have been filling her head with crap. They both have seen how my actions around my wife have changed over the years and they both have been telling her that they think I must be cheating.

 

To make matters worse I have a very good female friend that I like to hang out with occassionally for a lunch or maybe a dayhike that is also friends with my sister in law. She is married and we are both comfortable and confident in our friendship being just that. Well my sister in law has been letting her imagination get the better of her and has told my wife that she thinks my friend and I are having an affair. It would be funny if it didn't cause so much hurt to the friend, my wife and myself. Well, in the course of discussing this issue, the issue of my feelings towards my wife surfaced. Yes, a huge mess it was.

 

Gunny hit it right on, she didn't have a clue and was totally devastated. She has given me her love and devotion for 8 years and now I was telling her that I couldn't reciprocate. I told her that I didn't think it was fair for her to not be able to recieve love as well as give it. Unfortunately that was little comfort to her. After her feelings of anger, sorrow, and betrayal subsided a bit we talked some more and decided to try some sessions with a councelor to see if there is any way to rekindle the love that I once had for her and if not maybe the councelor will be able to help us close the relationship without so much hurt and anger. I told her that I couldn't promise anything but would be willing to go there with her to talk things through before moving forward with a divorce.

 

I think I already knew what I needed to do, but hearing it from someone else helps to reaffirm that, so thank you again for the advice. I knew it was going to be the most difficult thing I'd ever done and it was x10. I almost think I'd rather die alone than do that to another person ever again.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Here's what I think of the situation:

 

a) Your wife already knew the marriage wasn't working. She was just ignoring the evidence.

 

I mean, you guys sleep in separate bedrooms, don't communicate, and you even said you don't feel love for her "on any level whatsoever". It's impossible that she could've missed the elephant in the room.

 

b) The reason she's hanging on to you is because she needs security (not financial). That was the way it was since the beginning. It's not emotional bonding - it's just the fact that somewhere she knows you're still around.

 

c) For some reason I suspect the "good friend" at your workplace plays into this - obviously you prefer hanging out with her, than with your wife. I don't know just how close you two are - but I'm willing to bet that you've been attracted to her (and vice-versa) for quite some time now.

 

d) The reason you're still hanging around is because somewhere, you feel responsible towards your wife and can't really let go of your role as a "guardian".

 

 

My suggestion: Tell her about the office-girl. She'll be bitter, but she has to know. It's a good thing both of you have discussed the separation issue. I don't really think the marriage counselor can help - you're again trying to suppress what you'd really like to do.

 

Treat your wife with understanding. Let her know that you'll be separating, but that you do care for her well-being and are there to help her out when she needs. She'll get over it in time.

[norajane]

We sleep in separate bedrooms, hardly speak except where needed to conduct our daily routine, and we have almost no common interests anymore. When we do have sex, which is rarely, it's just sex. There is no love making involved.

 

And yet, she had no clue and was completely devastated? She's going to need to be a bit more honest with herself and with you if counseling is going to do any good.

[Guest]

Here's what I think of the situation:

 

a) Your wife already knew the marriage wasn't working. She was just ignoring the evidence.

 

I mean, you guys sleep in separate bedrooms, don't communicate, and you even said you don't feel love for her "on any level whatsoever". It's impossible that she could've missed the elephant in the room.

 

b) The reason she's hanging on to you is because she needs security (not financial). That was the way it was since the beginning. It's not emotional bonding - it's just the fact that somewhere she knows you're still around.

 

c) For some reason I suspect the "good friend" at your workplace plays into this - obviously you prefer hanging out with her, than with your wife. I don't know just how close you two are - but I'm willing to bet that you've been attracted to her (and vice-versa) for quite some time now.

 

d) The reason you're still hanging around is because somewhere, you feel responsible towards your wife and can't really let go of your role as a "guardian".

 

 

My suggestion: Tell her about the office-girl. She'll be bitter, but she has to know. It's a good thing both of you have discussed the separation issue. I don't really think the marriage counselor can help - you're again trying to suppress what you'd really like to do.

 

Treat your wife with understanding. Let her know that you'll be separating, but that you do care for her well-being and are there to help her out when she needs. She'll get over it in time.

 

You're right on on all counts except ©. The friend just recently left my office to return to her home town a couple of hours drive away. Up until then she worked with both my wife and me and was friendly towards my wife, but friends with me. The topic of attraction came up early when we discovered how close we'd become and both of us agreed that honoring our vows to our spouses was our priority. The wife is in fact jealous of the time I spend with my friend, but I'm allowed to have friends of either sex. She has friends of both sexes and does things with them in a platonic way.

 

I figure if I'm willing to trust her she should be willing to trust me; but this may all be mute, have to wait and see how the counceling proceeds. I'm afraid I'm not too hopeful either but I have to make sure no stone is left unturned before washing 8+ years down the drain. The wife was still filled when anger at the time but she did say that she would not be able to be friends if we divorced. Maybe that will change after more thought on her part. I hope it does because I still care for her as a fellow human being and only wish her health and happiness.

[Gunny376]

sounds like this song:

 

Quits By Gary Stewart

 

What do we call it now

It isn't marriage anymore

Call it new and different

It's not the way it was before

 

Out of all the words to choose from

There's only one that fits

Call it what you want to

I just call it quits

 

We've come down to the place

Where love barely fits

Call it what you want to

I call it quits

 

Turn and walk away

Across the desert of our hearts

Loves kinda said that we've run out of time

And though we once had something

No words could tear apart

Now you be your's and I'll be mine

 

We've come down to the place

Where love barely fits

Call it what you want to

I call it quits

 

Call our friends

And tell them...

Oh tell them that we just don't care

Tell them dreams of flowers

But our garden's bare

 

Call it separation, independence

Divorce, if that word fits

Call it what you want to

I just call it quits

 

We've come down to the place

Where love barely fits

Call it what you want to

I call it quits

 

I posted it because I tought jit might help you

to articulate your feelings.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

hmmm...very apt, indeed. To the original poster (Guest): It's difficult, but try and see the wry humor in the poem. Nothing like a chuckle to lift your blues - at least temporarily.

[Gunny376]

I would go the cousneling route ~ even if it does lead to divorce, and indeed before I kicked eight years of mariage to the curb, I would turn evey stone.

 

There have been people who have been in your situation and worse. LS won't let me post a link here, but I would recommend you Goggle

 

Light Her Fire

Light His Fire

Dr. Ellen Kreidman

Marriage Builders

 

I don't know that divorce is the answer for you. Yoiur case sounds more of a case of the Fire having gone out ~ what with the day to day of tring to make a living and move up the food chain. Un-questionably the first thing you need to do is to get the other people out of your marriage and business. I think yours may be more of a case of re-lighting the pilot light. Will it take some effort, concentration and work ~ of course it will, but your going to have to do that with anyone that you get with.

 

There's a lot of flakes out there, and I would say the correct ratio for finding someone who is worth your investment of time, effort, energy and money in is about the same as it would be for sales. Out of 100 you might meet four worth dating, out of that four you might meet one worth even getting into a relationshp with. Those numbers are even higher if you're looking for another wife.

 

If you don't have the skill set for meeting women cold ~ that severly limits your dating pool to a hit and miss proposition. Good women for men (and good men for women) are like finding a good job ~ they're out there, but generally speaking what one's there are ~ are already taken, the people that have them have had them for a good long while, they're planning on keeping them ~ and you're going to have to fight them to get them away from them.

 

Another dynamic is that of chldren. After 8 years of marriage ~ just about anyone you meet are going to have one or more children ~ by another man.

 

I wouldn't be so quick and in a hurry like to throw in the towel yet.

 

A little recognized fact about relationship is that the one that cares the less ~ contols the relationship, and right now that is you.

 

An elderly couple that had been married for sixty years was asked what they're secret to having been married so long, to which they responded:

 

"Neither one of us feel out of love with the other at the same time!"

[COLOR=#000080][/COLOR]

[kulyok]

I've been hanging around LS for some time, and every time, every time, EVERY time people are talking about divorce, there is someone of the opposite sex involved. Is there a pattern, I wonder?

 

Good luck to you and your wife. Hopefully councelling will help you both.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I guess the reason I'm a little cynical of the counseling option here is because I see an apparent contradiction to what you've been doing so far and what you suddenly seem to want.

 

When you talk about "throwing away 8 years of marriage", I can't help but ask - did that never occur to you while you two continued to sleep in a different room, and you professed having no meaningful communication with her and "no love left" for her?

 

It's not so much the "fire having gone out" that causes people to sleep in different rooms. A couple might not be having the greatest sexual chemistry for whatever reason, but they'd still sleep on the same bed. The different rooms scenario brings up an instant picture of extreme discontent.

 

By all means, go for the counseling if you want - even if it's for your own satisfaction. At least you wouldn't be blamed for not trying, you know.

 

I'm sorry if I sound like a detractor here...I do understand it's tough. I'm just trying to state the obvious - it's difficult for you to be completely objective right now.

 

Good luck to both of you.

[Guest]

The poem is much appreciated. Though it hits so close to home for me that I couldn't chuckle. It is in fact exactly how I'm feeling right now.

 

Indeed the fire is out, the pilot light snuffed, the fire tender quit, all matches used up.

 

The separate bedrooms began as a necessity. It may sound lame to those that don't know my wife or me, but it was her enormously loud snoring that drove me out of her bed. She can be clearly heard from the other end of the house with her door shut. I tried ear plugs for me, nasal strips for her, everything we could think of, but nothing worked. It began effecting me physically and mentally, and impared my job performance. I was lucky to get an hour or two sleep a night. It seems stupid I know. Of course when couples don't sleep together the wedge has started to burrow it's way between them. Yes there was some snoring when we first got together, but it became much worse over time until I could no longer take it.

 

The councelling is mostly for my wife's sake. I don't want her to go away thinking that she did something wrong, she didn't. I don't want her to have anger and hate for me to be the only memory that she takes from our time together. I am grateful for all that she's done for me over the years. If the fire can be relit, that would be a welcome gift. I told her all of this the other night. Hopefully she will remember it once the cloud of anger clears.

 

I blame mostly myself for the situation I'm now in. I'm very introverted and not the greatest communicator because of that. It's something I've had conciously work on in both my personal and professional life. If it were not for the support of my true friends I would have been in some serious trouble yesterday. It was the lowest day of my life. Not just because of my marriage issues, but I nearly lost a very dear friend over it. My friend thought that they had somehow contributed to my marriage issues. To make matters worse my wife's sister and mom have tried to tell my wife things about my friend that aren't true, very hurtful things. I confronted my sister in law yesterday and of course she denied it, but it was obvious to me that she was lying. My friend and I talked all throughout the day to work through the hurt and lies. Thankfully the friendship will survive and I think will be even stronger for having endured this test. I've felt depression before but never to the extent of yesterday's. I can't imaging being able to go any further below that. Being able to talk through some of this on here has helped bring some things into focus as well. It's good to get the different inputs from everyone and to hear from folks that have experienced both sides of this hell.

 

To address the issue of another woman. There is no other love intrest, there is no other woman. It may seem hard to believe, but it's true. My female friends are all married and I honor both their vows and mine. Honor, integrity, and honesty are my personal motto. Anyone that knows me knows this. I think I'd rather live alone the rest of my life than to risk having to put anyone else through this again.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Too often, people on LS (myself included) come forth with "standard" answers to situations. These suggestions, developed from general experiences, apply to most problems that end up here - but not all, as is the case with you.

 

You didn't mention the reason for sleeping in separate bedrooms before - and naturally, it came across as a manifestation of the mental and emotional distance between the two of you.

 

I'm sorry about what you're going through, and hope you will find the strength to face this situation.

 

I must say this, though - there is no point in blaming yourself (or your mother-in-law or sister-in-law). The wisest thing to do is to step back and consider - what is it that you really want? Is it independence, change, moving on to next phase of your life? More importantly, is it something that is possible to achieve in the first place?

 

Wanting to re-wind the current situation back to the time 8 years ago may be a nice thought - but is it possible, honestly?

 

I'm not asking you to quit trying. By all means, try your best. Just be perceptive to realizing when it's time to stop.

[Gunny376]

"Try, try again! Then quit ~ no use making a damn fool out of yourself!"

[Guest]

"Try, try again! Then quit ~ no use making a damn fool out of yourself!"

 

Amen to that!

 

I'm not looking to rewind, I know that all things change over time including relationships. The counseling is to find out if there is a relationship still there buried under years of neglecting to maintain it or if in fact the relationship is unsalvageable and best let go. I just want what's best for both of us, not necessarily what's easiest to do.

Sister-in-law and Mother-in-law drove by my house yesterday much too slowly. I know what they're up to and it makes me laugh that they profess to be so uninvolved yet can't help but spy on me. I'm sure the news has spread throughout the clan what an a**hole I am.

 

Sometimes I wonder if we go to counseling and somehow save this relationship if would even be worth it having to deal with my wife's family and their suspicious and manipulative ways. I've come to realize this past week that by her family's rules I'm apparently not allowed to have friends, I'm not allowed to leave the house except to got to work or when I'm with my wife, I'm not allowed to discuss personal matters with my friends unless the friend and topic are approved by my wife or her family, and I have been classified as an adulterer until I can sufficiently prove that I'm not to every single member of her family. Obviously that last part is said toungue in cheek but that's pretty darn close to how it apparently has been without my realizing it until now.

 

The wife returns tomorrow evening from the second half of her two week trip. Wish me luck as I try to negotiate what I'm sure will be a minefield of her emotions. I haven't talked to her at all this week and she hasn't tried to call me either. I wanted to leave her to digest what happened last weekend and hopefully come to see things in a calmer light. Hopefully that has been the case.

[Gunny376]

Sometimes I wonder if we go to counseling and somehow save this relationship if would even be worth it having to deal with my wife's family and their suspicious and manipulative ways. I've come to realize this past week that by her family's rules I'm apparently not allowed to have friends, I'm not allowed to leave the house except to got to work or when I'm with my wife, I'm not allowed to discuss personal matters with my friends unless the friend and topic are approved by my wife or her family, and I have been classified as an adulterer until I can sufficiently prove that I'm not to every single member of her family. Obviously that last part is said toungue in cheek but that's pretty darn close to how it apparently has been without my realizing it until now.[quote]

 

You've got way too many people trying to get into your "business"

 

Even though you've not spoken with your wife this week, its obvious that she's talking to her "clan"

[Guest]

Sometimes I wonder if we go to counseling and somehow save this relationship if would even be worth it having to deal with my wife's family and their suspicious and manipulative ways. I've come to realize this past week that by her family's rules I'm apparently not allowed to have friends, I'm not allowed to leave the house except to got to work or when I'm with my wife, I'm not allowed to discuss personal matters with my friends unless the friend and topic are approved by my wife or her family, and I have been classified as an adulterer until I can sufficiently prove that I'm not to every single member of her family. Obviously that last part is said toungue in cheek but that's pretty darn close to how it apparently has been without my realizing it until now.[quote]

 

You've got way too many people trying to get into your "business"

 

Even though you've not spoken with your wife this week, its obvious that she's talking to her "clan"

 

The wife returned last night. After talking for quite awhile we both came to the conclusion that counselling would serve no purpose and decided to move forward with an amicable divorce. We agreed on all points of property and asset division and also agreed to maintain a friendship with each other. Our discussion ended with a hug between friends. I think she spent her week talking to her family as well as getting some free counseling from professionals, and it helped her to see that things weren't right and could no longer be brought back to their earlier times.

 

She told her family to back off from both her and me and let us make our own decisions. Her family told her they'd support her in whatever she wanted to do. I think even though they've been meddlesome and hurtful they probably thought they were looking out for her. She's still hurting and says she will always love me. Hearing that makes me feel terrible, but I know in my heart that I cannot return those feelings. She plans on moving out in the next couple of weeks and we'll be filing our joint petition during that same time period.

 

Part of me is relieved, and part of me feels grief for losing our life together even though it wasn't good or healthy for either of us. I guess this is normal...whatever that is. ;-) We did have a life together and there were many good memories. It was just our relationship to each other that didn't work.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I understand you must be going through a lot. Yes, it's normal.

 

But I'm happy that you've brought this to some conclusion, and I'm impressed at the way you and your wife have handled this. A very mature, responsible way of handling such a situation. Bravo.

 

You'll have emotional ups and downs (and so will she). But in time, things will settle down.

 

Wishing you both the very best in life.

[RecordProducer]

My ex-boyfriend could have written the very same post you wrote. He told her he wanted a divorce, she was crushed. She cried and was devastated. He felt sorry for her.

 

Then he hooked up with me and she went crazy. He was so stupid to advertise his new GF everywhere and we hadn't even met in person yet. She had a hard time to get over her broken vanity and threatened with all kinds of things. It was hell for both of them and at the end she got more than him. She didn't want to give him a divorce until he blackmailed her back.

 

Whatever you say or do, be a human and don't involve any third parties until the divorce decree is final. Don't think that she is your friend. When you dump a woman - she is your worst enemy. In most cases.

[Guest]

My ex-boyfriend could have written the very same post you wrote. He told her he wanted a divorce, she was crushed. She cried and was devastated. He felt sorry for her.

 

Then he hooked up with me and she went crazy. He was so stupid to advertise his new GF everywhere and we hadn't even met in person yet. She had a hard time to get over her broken vanity and threatened with all kinds of things. It was hell for both of them and at the end she got more than him. She didn't want to give him a divorce until he blackmailed her back.

 

Whatever you say or do, be a human and don't involve any third parties until the divorce decree is final. Don't think that she is your friend. When you dump a woman - she is your worst enemy. In most cases.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's good to know that there are others that have gone through the same thing, even if it's from the other point of view. I don't have any love interest in mind and doubt there will be one for some time. I really don't want to go through this again, that makes me very timid about even trying. My two closest friends are both married or involved women and I've told them both that I need to keep my distance for awhile just to keep my wife from imagining anything more than I'm sure she already is. Thankfully both are truely good friends and understand what I'm going through. Both have helped just by lending their ear and being supportive, I couldn't ask for a better couple of friends.

 

My wife and I have already filled out the online uncontested divorce documents and are just waiting on the papers to be drawn up. I hope to get them filed early next week. The sooner we can both be apart the better. Her apartment won't be ready until Monday though. Between her own suspicious nature and her friends and families' it's a rough time in heresville right now. I just keep my mouth shut and don't say anything for fear of someone reading some 'meaning' into it. I've never felt so watched in my life. It's been very hard to remain cordial, but were both putting in our best effort. If we can just hold it together for a few more days I think we'll be able to remain friends or at least friendly towards each other, which is what we both want. I'm going to definately need some vacation to unwind from the intense stress that I've been feeling over all of this. ;-)