Mary3 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Sorry about the long absence. Things are going great (most of the time). We are "out" as a couple now. There are no problems in kisses or hugs at home in front of the family now. We cuddle up on a sofa to watch TV with the children now. My elder son is still a bit distant to my BF, but nothing negative so far. I have spent nights over at his place and come back early in the morning- It was awkward for me at first, but no one said anything. Now I spend 2-3 nights a week at his place. It is so great to spend the night in my lovers arms giveing ourselves completely to each other. So good that we can do this without sneaking away now. We are planning a weekend at a his mom's seaside cottage with the kids. The thought proces is that that will get the sharing a room thing out of the way, and then my BF can start staying the night at my place and in a couple of months, when his lease runs out, he can move in with us.... What do you guys think? You are having a normal loving relationship and you want to progress to the next level. I would talk with the kids to get them prepared. Good Luck !
Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 And the problem is..? Seriously, I really don't see why you should be worried. However, why don't you just treat as casual dating? Do your kids have to know? Now? Just have fun right now. Forget about placing a label or official status on it and look at for what it is.
Author LovingLife Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 Thanks guys, I will definitely make sure that I dont catch the boys unaware of the move in- as you might have noticed, I am walking on egg shells now. So I wont do anything rash. That is why this elaborate plan to ease them in and make them comfortable. And the problem is..? Seriously, I really don't see why you should be worried. However, why don't you just treat as casual dating? Do your kids have to know? Now? Just have fun right now. Forget about placing a label or official status on it and look at for what it is. The problem is that it is not a casual thing anymore, hasn't been for a long time. We are really in love with each other. While in the casual stage, sneaking off for a dirty weekend, hooking up, etc was fun. Now we need more than that. It is not just sex anymore, We want to bask in each others company as much as possible. One problem or red flag that I see is that my elder son is distant with my BF now. Nothing major, just doesn't play BB with him anymore, etc..Als, I noticed that he seems to be going out to meet his friends more than having them here. Earlier a lot of his friends used to hang out at our place. Now it is very rare. I dont know if these are red flags or if I am imagining it all. Should I talk to him, what do I say, how do I say? Any views, suggestions or advice?
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Be as honest with your son as possible. Tell him he can be as honest with you as well, no matter what - Nothing will be held against him... It is possible his friends may have made a comment or two and he isn't ready to deal with it, or someone has made fun of him in a mean way, another reason not to have his buddies over. Keep the lines of communication open with him, and just make sure your son knows you love him, what he thinks/feels counts. That you all are a family and NO major choices are going to be made without dicussions and listening to eachother. Maybe that will ease his mind.
Guest Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 It is possible his friends may have made a comment or two and he isn't ready to deal with it, or someone has made fun of him in a mean way, another reason not to have his buddies over. Why would someone make fun of him. what mean things can they say?
Author LovingLife Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 I am totally lost now. It seems that all the worries I had about my elder son was not just my imagination after all. He has a problem with my BF. I think he resents him. Since he was being distant to my BF, my BF was trying to get him to play a game of backyard BB with him, but he just told my BF that he wasn't interested. My BF was asking him about something else that they could do later, and stuff, but my son was ignoring him. When my BF brought up the subjuect again some time later, my son actually "spat" out "what the f##k do you want, Just F##king leave me alone". My BF was quite taken aback by the ferocity, and so was I. I wasn't there but I heard it because I was in the next room. Hearing the commotion I went into the room and asked what the problem was, and oth of them said that there was no problem. My BF made an excuse and left soon. and I asked my son what the problem was. He just turned to me and glared at me for quite sometime and was very sarcastic when he asked "what do you care ".. He put on his jacket and went out. I tried to get him to stay and talk, but he said that he didn't want to talk to me then, because he might end up saying something that he might regret. He didn't come back till very late in the morning (around 3.30 or so). Today I was preparing bed coffee around 6.00 am when he came down fully dressed and without a word to me took off again. This is a real unusual behaviour for him, I dont know what to do.
Adunaphel Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I wonder whether the real problem your son has with your bf is jealousy or the fact that he might have felt deceived and treated like a fool when you first introduced your bf as a friend. If when I was 19 my father had been single and dating a girl about the same age as me, I'd have got mad if they had first made me believe she was just a friend of his. It could be a combination of both jealousy and being treated "like a small child". If this is the case, if the subjec ever comes up I guess that an apology - or an explanation - to your son could help. I'm not saying you necessarily owe him an apology, but a simple "I was just unconfortable introducing ***** as my bf, it's not like I thought you would not have handled it". About the jealousy, your son has to get over it. Unless your bf has ever been disrespectful to him, but it does not sound like it's the case here.
BentSpine Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 You should continue your relationship with your BF. You deserve to be happy. Your son probably thinks your BF's age is embarrassing to your son. That would explain the absence of visiting friends as well as his comment "what do you care?". His expectation to have the final say with regards to who your partner should be is unreasonable. As it is right now, your son would rather not be embarrassed than to see you happy. One day, after he has moved out your house, will he reverse the priority to make your happiness the most important thing. But today, he does not find your BF a person he would like to spend one-on-one time with. That could have happened regardless of your BF's age. The loud reaction was expected since your BF had not grasped that they are not buddies. What your BF and your son have in common is they both are close to you. They do not have a relation and your son does not want to build a relation at this point. It takes two willing individuals to grow a friendship. Your BF needs to respect your sons wish to be distant from him. This is undoubtedly sad for you. But once again, I think you should continue with your love. It is your life and you deserve to be happy. Your son will forgive you.
Mary3 Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 You should continue your relationship with your BF. You deserve to be happy. Your son probably thinks your BF's age is embarrassing to your son. That would explain the absence of visiting friends as well as his comment "what do you care?". His expectation to have the final say with regards to who your partner should be is unreasonable. As it is right now, your son would rather not be embarrassed than to see you happy. One day, after he has moved out your house, will he reverse the priority to make your happiness the most important thing. But today, he does not find your BF a person he would like to spend one-on-one time with. That could have happened regardless of your BF's age. The loud reaction was expected since your BF had not grasped that they are not buddies. What your BF and your son have in common is they both are close to you. They do not have a relation and your son does not want to build a relation at this point. It takes two willing individuals to grow a friendship. Your BF needs to respect your sons wish to be distant from him. This is undoubtedly sad for you. But once again, I think you should continue with your love. It is your life and you deserve to be happy. Your son will forgive you. ] WOW ! So beautifully spoken
Author LovingLife Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 It was not trying to build a new relationship. They were very friendly before (till about 2-3 weeks back). How can I continue with my life and be happy when my son is like this. I feel so guilty. He was always my support all along, this is the first time he has been acting like this to me. I dont want to destroy my relationship with my son, because that is most important to me. He came back very late again, and was gone before I was up in the morning. When I went to his bedroom , it was not slept in. When I went to my younger son's room, there was a sheet and pillow on the sofabed in his room. When I asked my younger son, he said his brother slept there last night- He woke up my younger son late at night to talk, and then slept there itself. When I asked them what they talked about, my son said "stuff..". my younger son was also acting distant today. I dont want to be the enemy to my children. I dont want to be the selfish mother who dont have a care about her kids.. I am so sad that after all the caution, it is all unravelling like this. I want to talk to him, but he doesn't give me a chance, and If I can talk to him, I dont know what I will say...
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Your son is jealous. He may not feel like number one to you and the fact your boyfriend is close to your son in age, that IS an issue to him. He may not respect him either because the ages are so close. Spend some time with your son, both of them actually, and let them know that NOONE is going to replace them. I think once they feel more secure, and your younger son (who is being influenced obviously by his older bro) will come around again. Just takes time. Change isn't easy, accepting someone else in their life isn't easy, especially since it hasn't been that long since this relationship has started. Why would someone make fun of him. what mean things can they say? Teens can be cruel. Think outside on the box on this one...I don't think I have to put down what his so-called buddy's could be saying behind his back, or to his face...
blind_otter Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Teens can be cruel. Think outside on the box on this one...I don't think I have to put down what his so-called buddy's could be saying behind his back, or to his face... I dated someone whose mother had a reputation for dating guys who were the same age as her son. I personally heard a lot of the **** that young men say amongst themselves. It wasn't pretty and the son had lost respect for his mom. Just my personal experience, though. Take it with a grain of salt. The son was a dirtbag anyways.
Mary3 Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I personally prefer younger and I support your decision to live your life as you choose. Your kids may ( or may not ) have a problem with it. If they do then you try to work through it. Yes ,there are young guys who might try to take advantage of an older women just as you reverse the situation and a younger girl takes advantage of an older man ( with money ) as an example. And then you have the proverbial " she's robbing the cradle " I find most people who say this are usually jealous that I CAN date younger because I look good ( I wont say ~ for my age ) lol....
re-searching Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 You know, on the very night I wrote this....on the very night...she went off and picked up a 22 year old! AS I WROTE THIS, SHE WAS F*CKING A 22 YEAR OLD ! How the hell is that for irony? :):o:(:laugh: Hey I used have a thing for 26 YO's, even when I was 18, until my son neared that age. I always played that number on the roulette table when gambling too. When it would hit I would yell "What is my favorite number?", & my girlfriends would answer 26 in chorus. LOL! Now I guess I graduated to 30+ YO's. I am in my 40's. The Op should do what pleases her & her sons. No matter what happens her sons are her family forever!
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