blind_otter Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I think it is a bit weird. I'm only 26 and I won't date 22 year olds. The thing is I'm around a lot of guys in their early/mid 20s and I get to hear their juvenile conversations and it gives me the willies. Of course when they are around their girlfriends they play nice, but since I am often considered "one of the guys" I get to hear anxiety inducing conversations about hooking up with random chicks while in relationships and whatnot.
Teag Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 lol, let me tell you about my in-laws. My mother-in-laws father has 7 children & has been married 3 times. He has no children with his current wife & only 1 with his 2nd wife. Anyway. his current wife is 6 months older than my mother-in-law (46yrs old) & he actually has 2 children older than his wife. lol, it's worked for them, they've been together for 13yrs & married for 7yrs.
Author LovingLife Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 Do what your heart tells you. It is all very personal: for some it works, for some it does not. But if you do not try - you will never know. Thanks, Thats what I feel too. Unless this young man is mature beyond his years at the age of 22.............................. well there is no way that he is at an emotional maturity level that could be equal to that of a woman that is that much older as the OP is. Think about who you were at 22 years old....... My boyfriend is way more mature than an average stereotypical 22 year old. He was mature enough to start off with, and has become more so after we started our relationship. He is a very driven guy, who knows what he wants- what he wants in career, what he wants in life, so on. My friend (his cousin) told me he was always like that from his teens. He is secure enough to learn from my experiences when I show him. Even physically, he was an eager learner in bed (he was good to start off with), but he had no problems learning from me on how to become a better lover for me, and now he is the best lover I have EVER had. He has had quite an interesting and full on life, and it is all "been there, done that" for him. He wants a more adult, mature relationship now. If it weren't for your sons, I would say that you are both adults, so go for it. But the reality is, that your 19 year old might have some SERIOUS issues with this. You've got to make sure that he's okay with it first. Yes, the three year difference between 19 and 22 is a significant one, but in a few years, these guys could be college friends. I think you need to talk to your son about this. It might be that he's okay with it. You need to let him know that you are concerned about how he would take it, and just that gesture might be enough for your son to be okay with the situation. I know that I will have to talk to my children soon. I am trying to work out how to open the topic, then anticipate their probable reactions and work out how to address those. any help you guys can give in this regard would be invaluable
bonny doon Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 i love it when i see older women younger guy relationships. I myself have a penchant for dating younger guys. they are just so much more hot and fun and i am pretty immature myself (retarded development) so ... anyway, i think it's bogus that all these people jumped all over you for dating someone so young but if you had been a guy dating a woman that much younger i don't think it would have caused a stir. i think the more women date younger guys the better. it really grosses me out to see older men/younger women relationships ... i too agree that older woman/younger man is "healther"...
PuppyDogEyes Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 First of all, congratulations. I was involved with a man who was 13 years younger than I until recently (he was 21, I'm 34) - I say "was" because I am going through some heavy emotional issues right now that he's not prepared to handle. At 21, he's too young to understand a lot of where I am right now in life... ..but with that said, I don't think there's anything wrong with the two of you being together - you're both adults and it's legal. I would, however, be very prepared for this not to work out for the long term. No matter how mature he might be (and my ex-BF was very similar in mindset), he's still light-years behind you in emotional and life experiences. I walked into my relationship knowing full well that more likely than not, it would end because of those reasons - and so it did. That doesn't mean that we don't still love each other - we do - and seeing that we're on "hiatus" (i.e., we're taking a break from exclusivity), in truth we may just get back together when I have my issues sorted out. I don't hope for it, though - he's young and he needs time to date around, to explore life, to be who he is. I say enjoy your time with this guy, and don't give a rat's <censored> what anyone else thinks. It's your life, it's his life. Enjoy it together - but always, always be prepared for an end. Good luck. -pde.
Author LovingLife Posted August 7, 2006 Author Posted August 7, 2006 i love it when i see older women younger guy relationships. I myself have a penchant for dating younger guys. they are just so much more hot and fun and i am pretty immature myself (retarded development) so ... anyway, i think it's bogus that all these people jumped all over you for dating someone so young but if you had been a guy dating a woman that much younger i don't think it would have caused a stir. i think the more women date younger guys the better. it really grosses me out to see older men/younger women relationships ... i too agree that older woman/younger man is "healther"... First of all, congratulations. I was involved with a man who was 13 years younger than I until recently (he was 21, I'm 34) - I say "was" because I am going through some heavy emotional issues right now that he's not prepared to handle. At 21, he's too young to understand a lot of where I am right now in life... ..but with that said, I don't think there's anything wrong with the two of you being together - you're both adults and it's legal. I would, however, be very prepared for this not to work out for the long term. No matter how mature he might be (and my ex-BF was very similar in mindset), he's still light-years behind you in emotional and life experiences. I walked into my relationship knowing full well that more likely than not, it would end because of those reasons - and so it did. That doesn't mean that we don't still love each other - we do - and seeing that we're on "hiatus" (i.e., we're taking a break from exclusivity), in truth we may just get back together when I have my issues sorted out. I don't hope for it, though - he's young and he needs time to date around, to explore life, to be who he is. I say enjoy your time with this guy, and don't give a rat's <censored> what anyone else thinks. It's your life, it's his life. Enjoy it together - but always, always be prepared for an end. Good luck. -pde. Thanks Guys And maybe he should talk to your sons, something like "Your mom is really sweet" and take it from there. Am taking your advice St_guy He asked my elder son if he thought that I will like a particular show (dance drama), and stuff like that while playing BB with him. He said he wanted to know if I would like those kind of shows. My son told him that I "have gone to shows like that" & "I think She likes it, I dunno" Later I mentioned in the conversation that my BF has asked me out on the show, my elder son was drinking juice and he said, in between drinking, "oh, he asked you, did he? He asked me if I thought you would like it". And then he just continued to do whatever he was doing. So far so good
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Yes, the three year difference between 19 and 22 is a significant one, That's the thing, and just be prepared that your 19 year son WILL test you and push things as far as he can...Like "you gonna ground me? You're seeing someone 3 years older than me!!"
burning 4 revenge Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 i think a 22yo guy and 37yo woman sounds pretty hot. in my last relationship i was 31 and she was 37 and it was like i was the older one, both physically and mentally. she was just one of those women coming into her sexual prime late and it's like a lot of her emotions corresponded. 22 would be perfect for her. You know, on the very night I wrote this....on the very night...she went off and picked up a 22 year old! AS I WROTE THIS, SHE WAS F*CKING A 22 YEAR OLD ! How the hell is that for irony? :):o:(:laugh:
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 You know, on the very night I wrote this....on the very night...she went off and picked up a 22 year old! AS I WROTE THIS, SHE WAS F*CKING A 22 YEAR OLD ! How the hell is that for irony? :):o:(:laugh: 30th July 2006, 3:06 AM
stoopid_guy Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 So far so good Great news!!! And it sounds like your son's got his priorities straight too. That's the thing, and just be prepared that your 19 year son WILL test you and push things as far as he can...Like "you gonna ground me? You're seeing someone 3 years older than me!!" Assuming this is a reasonably mature 19-year-old (and he seems to be,) do you really think he's going to "push things?" He's a young adult, and it sounds like they have a good relationship. I'd worry more about him being over-protective of his Mom that him challenging her authority. And if he trusts and respects the BF, that's not going to be an issue.
SarahRose Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Nobody can predict the future and why reject a relationship that could make you both very happy for many years? There is a 20 year age difference; me being older. It was a little weird at first as he is just 2 years older than my daughter. Daughter likes him well enough but she doesn't think he is good enough for me. Daughter is living with a man 25 years older than she is and has been for a few years. I think the older woman/younger man makes more sense as usually women live longer. As for taking care of an elderly wife while he is still fairly young, women tend to hold up better than men. I see heaps of older spry women around alone because their husbands already died. The having children issue is getting to be where even that is no longer an issue because of technology. Joan Lunden had twins at the age of 50. There are donor eggs and surrogates. If he really wants to be a father, he doesn't have to miss out. As for maturity. I think that is an individual thing. Some young men are mature as are some women. I don't think you would have gone out with him if he was a beer guzzling club party guy. As for what your kids think, they are adults. What you do is pretty much your business now.
Sideburns Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Everyone in life has to do what they gotta do, but you have to realize your kids could have serious problems to this and you have to prepare for the consequences whatever they may be (hopefuly good). Honestly, no disrespect intended, but if my mother was dating someone almost my age I would kick his ass and I would test him and her and push them to the limit, because it is completely UNreasonable to expect her children to accept this situation without hesitation because it 1) falls outside the paradigm and 2) a lot of people have expressed reservations about the emotional maturity and maturity in general of the 22 year old, it's not fair to expect more out of a 19 year old is it?
Author LovingLife Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 That's the thing, and just be prepared that your 19 year son WILL test you and push things as far as he can...Like "you gonna ground me? You're seeing someone 3 years older than me!!" Honestly, no disrespect intended, but if my mother was dating someone almost my age I would kick his ass and I would test him and her and push them to the limit, because it is completely UNreasonable to expect her children to accept this situation without hesitation because it 1) falls outside the paradigm and 2) a lot of people have expressed reservations about the emotional maturity and maturity in general of the 22 year old, it's not fair to expect more out of a 19 year old is it? Assuming this is a reasonably mature 19-year-old (and he seems to be,) do you really think he's going to "push things?" He's a young adult, and it sounds like they have a good relationship. I'd worry more about him being over-protective of his Mom that him challenging her authority. And if he trusts and respects the BF, that's not going to be an issue. Hi, First of all, I dont ground my elder son anymore, not after he turned 18. I only talk to him and reason out with him. I think he has outgrown the stage where I can discipline with groundin, etc. As for his reactions, I know that that is a possibility, and I will try my best to deal with it. That is why I am trying to slowly ease them in, rather than telling them straight out of the blue Great news!!! And it sounds like your son's got his priorities straight too. Thnx St_Guy, Currently we have not made it out like we are seeing each other, but just that he is taking me for a show. Nobody can predict the future and why reject a relationship that could make you both very happy for many years? Thats why I thought I will give this a shot and try to make it work, It would have been easier to walk away. As for what your kids think, they are adults. What you do is pretty much your business now. Everyone in life has to do what they gotta do, but you have to realize your kids could have serious problems to this and you have to prepare for the consequences whatever they may be (hopefuly good). because it is completely UNreasonable to expect her children to accept this situation without hesitation because it 1) falls outside the paradigm and 2) a lot of people have expressed reservations about the emotional maturity and maturity in general of the 22 year old, it's not fair to expect more out of a 19 year old is it? I would want my kids to be comfortable and part of the family, I cant push them away for any man. That is why their approval and understanding is tantamount for me. If all this will have a negative impact on them, then I will walk away, as heartbreaking as that will be for me. That is why I am handling this situation with "kid gloves" (pun intended).
Author LovingLife Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 Just to give a quick update. We went for our date to the show. I made sure that I wore a glamorous dress- this I did to dispel the impression that we were going as friends. I wore a new gown- ankle length, just had a slit up to my waist in the front of one of my legs. It wasn’t visible always, only when I stepped out far enough. When I walked down after getting ready, my sons whistled and said “someone is sizzling tonight!”. My Bf came in and brought me a corsage, and acted like a proper date. I kissed both my sons before I went out, and they told me to have a good time. We went to the show and had a good time, and just had a quick stopover at his place for some alone time. But I wanted to get back before it was too late, as I didn’t want to get my sons on the defensive. The next day, they asked me if I had fun, and I said I had the most amazing time. They didn’t seem to have any problems. My BF asked me out again during a family lunch, this time for a picnic on Friday when I have a day off before the weekend- I accepted, no big deal again. All together it seems to be going ok. The only thing that worries me is that when my BF asked my elder son if he wanted to shoot hoops (this was 2 days after our date), he said that he had something else to do, but didn’t seem to be doing anything else. But other than that incident, I don’t see any alarm bells. I’m not sure if I’m not reading too much into it as I an anxious. Our next official date is in a couple of days, lets see how it goes. I am planning to wear a nice summer dress coming just above my knee. I’ll keep updating. Meanwhile any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated. TC
witabix Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 My stuation is not quite the same, sexes reversed. So I am the 'older man' by 17 years. 46/29. All our friends are totally cool with it. Her parents had reservations, which appear to be dissipating now, 6 months down the line. The similarity lies in that I have a 26 year old daughter. (Yes I started young!). She had and appears to still have serious reservations about it, all based on age. We have talked a lot on the subject. My son (21) said "As long as Dad is happy I don't care, and she makes him happy so its cool with me." I think with my daughter it has been a case of jealousy, she has not come up with any real objections, except to say that if my gf were in her late thirties it would be ok. That I know to be untrue, my ex was five years older than me, but my daughter didn't like her either. So I guess what I am saying here is that no matter what you do or how careful you are in introducing it your kids will make up their own minds based on their own agendas, and there is really nothing you can do about it. All you can do is live your life, respect your childrens opinions and ensure that you behave in a fashion that is not going to make their lives impossible. Remembering at all times that it is your life, they are adults/approaching adulthood so you have no real requirements to live your live by their standards. Just make sure you behave respectably, respectfully and with dignity. Oh and of course your happiness is probably paramount to them also. Don't worry too much, time will soften any sharp edges if they appear. Good luck and hope you two are happy and having fun.
MrsHellFire Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 That's bullsh*t. I have an on again/off again relationship with a man who is 9 years older than me and I constantly hear comments about the age difference. I agree. Young women with old men are always criticized, but for some reason when it's a young guy dating an older women, nobody cares. The thing in common with both stories are how the WOMEN are always ridiculed. Men are still greatly respected in the society moreso than women. Same thing with my relationships. If there was ever a problem, people would look to me to ridicule. For some reason, my boyfriends always got the upmost respect in every arena. Maybe because women are disrespected by mostly BOTH sexes. Not many women are going to disrespect or make fun of men. Heck even other men liked my exes. I don't get it. Same thing with parental matters. I know several people who had kids young and in one case the woman would always get flak for it, but the guy honored and respected. Tell me what the hell is up with this. A lot of double-standard sexism in society, whether conscious or not.
stoopid_guy Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 All together it seems to be going ok. The only thing that worries me is that when my BF asked my elder son if he wanted to shoot hoops (this was 2 days after our date), he said that he had something else to do, but didn’t seem to be doing anything else. But other than that incident, I don’t see any alarm bells. I’m not sure if I’m not reading too much into it as I an anxious. It's funny how kids don't want to think of their parents as being "hot" or sexual in any way at all. I suspect your son is happy for you, but doesn't want to think about it too much. Glad it's going well!
jgrandst Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 all im going to say is im 19, my mother is 49, her current husband is 26. I'm happy for her, he makes her happy, and every day he works to help her. Not everything is about age, your children make take a little time to get used to it, but they will be happy for you as long as he treats you right. Just dont worry what everyone else is saying, just be happy if he loves you and you love him, cause there are relationships with bigger differences working for lifetimes, its just you have to deal with what everyone else has to say, as long as that is not a problem, then theres no problem with the relationship. i say be happy, and screw what everyone else says if your happy with him. PS. to anyone that says ewww, or anything like that, ask them one question...what makes them think you give a damn what they got to say.
Sideburns Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 ...Not many women are going to disrespect or make fun of men. LOL, I think I just entered the twilight zone. I haven't met one single woman who doesn't make fun of their man, or men in general. Not that I realy care, half the fun in my life is teasing and being teased. I just find it interesting how some womenfolk can easily write-off an entire gender in one slanderous line of text and demand equality in the next, remember when the ship hits the iceburg it's women and children first and the men go to the briney deep...The s*itty end of the stick isn't entirely in your hands.
MrsHellFire Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 LOL, I think I just entered the twilight zone. I haven't met one single woman who doesn't make fun of their man, or men in general. Not that I realy care, half the fun in my life is teasing and being teased. Sorry if I didn't explain myself properly, but this has absolutely nothing to do with "teasing". That's all light-hearted stuff. There is a big difference between doing it in "fun" and doing it in viciousness. Women are not generally vicious with other men with no merit, but they are with other women. I've been given vicious looks and stares and laughs from other women for no reason whatsoever. Never once did I see a woman do anything but smile and act kind to my exes. A lot of goofy women in the world who are making it worse for their own kind.
Sideburns Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 I don't believe any one person is generaly vicious to another person without merit. And just because a woman gives you attitude for what you consider to be no good reason doesn't mean they don't have one, and who knows, maybe your ex's weren't such bad guys afterall. All I'm trying to say is don't try and tip the gender scales to one side or t'other.
blind_otter Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I don't believe any one person is generaly vicious to another person without merit. Really? You live in a wonderful fantasy land. What about rape? or child molestation or child abuse? Apparently those victims merited the vicious behavior. And just because a woman gives you attitude for what you consider to be no good reason doesn't mean they don't have one Actually no, it means that the other person has personal issues that they need to attend to. Giving anyone "attitude" is moronic and childish. If you have a problem with a situation, the only reason you have to confront anyone else regarding your problem is if it affects you in any way. A general nasty attitude for people doing something you don't agree with is infantile at best and reflects an inability to deal with emotions directly.
Guest Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Very Interesting post. I think you are handling things effectively, trying to have a good life, while being a good mother too. Very insightful...Any updates?
Author LovingLife Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 Sorry about the long absence. Things are going great (most of the time). We are "out" as a couple now. There are no problems in kisses or hugs at home in front of the family now. We cuddle up on a sofa to watch TV with the children now. My elder son is still a bit distant to my BF, but nothing negative so far. I have spent nights over at his place and come back early in the morning- It was awkward for me at first, but no one said anything. Now I spend 2-3 nights a week at his place. It is so great to spend the night in my lovers arms giveing ourselves completely to each other. So good that we can do this without sneaking away now. We are planning a weekend at a his mom's seaside cottage with the kids. The thought proces is that that will get the sharing a room thing out of the way, and then my BF can start staying the night at my place and in a couple of months, when his lease runs out, he can move in with us.... What do you guys think?
witabix Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Sounds cool. I would watch the moving in thing though. Have the ground well prepared, no surprises. Let your kids know well in advance of this.
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