lily7093 Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 [FONT=Times New Roman]I am in the very beginning stage of thinking about becoming a single mother by choice. I’m 34, have a secure job, own a home, and have family and friends that are very supportive of me. My problem is that I’m not sure if I want to use a sperm donor or have someone that I know be the father of the child. Two friends have offered, though I haven’t fully discussed any major issues with either of them yet---money, visitations….etc…. There are positives and negatives to both sides. So I’m just wondering if anyone has gone through something similar to this?????[/FONT]
magichands Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Two friends have offered, Not just one, but two! You have some generous friends. I say go for brown eyes.
RecordProducer Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Not just one, but two! You have some generous friends. Their offer seems quite unserious for such a serious thing. I'd say they just want to get in your pants. Did you tell them that you would actually have sex with them? I think this is not the right place to ask such a question. You should consult a professional (medical, legal, etc.) about all the advantages and disadvantages of each choice. You should definitely pay attention to the potential father's family medical history (congenital diseases) and check them thoroughly by asking for medical records or whichever other ways. Legally you would have to protect yourself from the possibility of the father requesting custody some day. Yes, that is possible too! I think communication with the father is one of the most important things. I am a child of divorced parents and am divorced with two kids myself so I know how important the father's role is in a child's life. I think the bank of sperm is the worst option. Your son or daughter will want to know who their father is some day. And you will say: "Honey... I just have no clue! " Quite devastating...
Curmudgeon Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I'm going to be very blunt. I find what you're contemplating to be very selfish. YOU want a child to fulfill whatever need to breed you may have yet you want to condemn that child, from day-one, to growing up without a father. Was your relationship with your father so bad that you can justify this? Sorry, Lilly, but as a father who had his two youngest daughters ripped away and distanced from him for 10 years by their mother I can see this as nothing more than self-serving. While I did finally get custody of the youngest away from her mother, we still lost 10 years of our relationship and the scars are evident on both my daughters.
Touche Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I must agree with Curmudgeon. I grew up without a father since he died when I was very young. It does leave a scar. It's a selfish thing to do.
Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A woman's urge to mother is as old as time itself...I don't think it's selfish...I think it's human. The truth is: all it takes is a little divorce or a break-up and any parent could become -(gasp), SINGLE. In my opinion? Go with the professional services. I don't think there's anything wrong with donor insemination. At least you're being honest about your concerns regarding parenthood. Too many people delude themselves about the difficulties involved in raising a child-and you don't seem deluded to me.
Author lily7093 Posted August 7, 2006 Author Posted August 7, 2006 I'm going to be very blunt. I find what you're contemplating to be very selfish. YOU want a child to fulfill whatever need to breed you may have yet you want to condemn that child, from day-one, to growing up without a father. Was your relationship with your father so bad that you can justify this? Sorry, Lilly, but as a father who had his two youngest daughters ripped away and distanced from him for 10 years by their mother I can see this as nothing more than self-serving. While I did finally get custody of the youngest away from her mother, we still lost 10 years of our relationship and the scars are evident on both my daughters. I'm going to be very blunt. I find what you're contemplating to be very selfish. YOU want a child to fulfill whatever need to breed you may have yet you want to condemn that child, from day-one, to growing up without a father. Was your relationship with your father so bad that you can justify this? My reply------I believe that I have a lot of love to give and after years of being selfish and only thinking of myself, I'd love to be able to give that love to a child. I'm sorry for your circumstances, but that is not where I am coming from. As for my father, he is a wonderful man that has supported and guided me throughout my life. My relationship with my parents has had its share of ups and downs, like all children, but overall my parents have given me a wonderful life and many opportunities. Don't you think that I want the 'perfect' family situation?? I want a husband and the house with the white picket fence with the two children playing in the yard. I want that, but I have to live in reality and right now that is not going to happen for me. It may happen, but not right now. I have dated and I have also taken time not to date so that I can specifically work on myself and decide what I want for my future. I feel that my time is running out to have children and I have to look at my life in the broader sense. Why should I be punished and not have a child just because I don't have a man in my life?? Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed......dreamed of being a mother and raising children. Do you think that as a little girl I dreamed of being 35, single, with a great job and no children? My life isn't exactly how I pictured it to be when I was young, and so now I feel that I'm taking control of my destiny....taking control of my future....of my life and doing what I feel is best for me. If that is selfish, then so be it. Life isn't perfect, but I am going to make the best of what has been given to me.
Nicholas Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Lily, don't let people turn their own issues into your problems.
a4a Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Lily if you are truly able to provide for, love, and have a desire to have a child then go for it. What I find hideous is people who cannot afford to raise and care for, are unstable emotionally/ mentally, and those that only want a child because of pressure from society (fad breeders), that have children. I would suggest a donor from a bank to avoid any future problems.... screeening is done well at most of the banks.
Guest Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 I think what he was trying to say (and it got all mucked up with his personal feelings) is that finding a spouse isn't all that hard, if you work at it. you say you're successful? Why can't you apply that level of dedication to starting a family? Get out there and DATE! Not partying mind you, but dating. Yes, it's a lot of work, but it will be worth it, and yes you may wind up divorced anyway, but at least you can say you tried. There are plenty of available men at your age. If you start now, you can be married and conceiving in two years easily. You also get to have a husband to help with loving and caring for the baby. All kinds of people have been getting married for years now, so don't be scared! Why not give it a go?
silentcharon Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 I was raised by a single mom. Of course, my father left before I was born, thus I have never known him. I don't even know his name. It was difficult for my mom to take care of me, as she had to drop out of high school when she was pregnant. She went back to school in order to get a better paying job, so I was in a day care during the days while she worked and stayed at my grandmas at night while she went to night school. She still found the time to take care of me, and love me all the same. She ended up marrying my step dad when I was 12. From my viewpoint, there is nothing wrong with a single woman wanting to raise kids on her own, as long she is fully commited to the kids. Why should she need a man to help her raise the kids? Aside from having a father figure in their lives, her love should be good enough. I think I turned out all right. I would say go with the sperm bank. You would have a lot of legal complications if you went with one of your friends, you'd have to write up a contract of some sort agreeing about rights, etc. And if an issue arose later on, it can turn into a legal nightmare. Or, you could consider adoption, lots of kids need a good home and a loving parent.
hotgurl Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 I would say use a sperm bank or consider adoption. Using a friend could get very messy. It is very hard but worht it. Just makes sure that you have someone to help when you need a break. I am a single mom but my circumstance were different.
stillhere Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Why is growing up without a father horrible? It's not the worst thing in the world, i guarantee it. My aunt was artificially inseminated, with her dead husband's sperm (my uncle). Their son was about 3 when she got pregnant. My uncle had died of cancer and their son was a miracle child for them. She ended up having twin girls. She has raised all 3 children alone, she has never searched for another man. They are 12 and 15, and i've never seen happier children. She is playing the role of both parents, and pretty damn good i might add. As long as Lilly is willing and able to invest the time and love for this child, i see absolutely no reason why she shouldn't have this child. I'd go with a sperm bank, safer, and more reliable. They usually screen their donors very carefully. Good luck Lilly with whatever you decide.
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