NearlyThere Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 First Hello to everyone. I've been coming on here for a few months now when needing emotional support. I am yet another OW. I couldn't believe it when I found this site as it was what I needed to get me thru some of those really bad days, believe me, although I might not know you, you have all been a big help to me so thank-you. After reading many of the posts about NC, especially OldEuropes, I need some more help please. I know I bought all this mess about myself and i'm not looking for sympathy and i'm not proud of what i've become, an OW, who could destroy a marriage. My situ is probably not that different to most of the OW on here but here goes. I had been in a relationship for 12 years, not married though, no kids, which had gradually broken down to the point of not wanting to enter the house where we live rather than spend time with him, not being in love with him for the last 5 but could not seem do anything about it. Last November met the MM thru work, talking on the telephone, flirting and it just suddenly became this connection. He gave me his mobile no said I could text him anytime, then I asked him by text if he was married, yes came the answer, if he had kids, yes to that as well. I wish I had known this site then because I would have "run for the hills" as frequently advised on here, boy is that a good peice of advise. Talked more, had alot in common with our relationships, no respect, no love, no caring, no intimacy or sex, home avoidance, felt only used for money, being ignored, happy for about 20% of the time etc. Sure you all know what I mean. We had such great empathy with each other within a week we decided to meet. It was pretty obvious at the first meeting that there was a strong physical attraction between us as well, though lets be honest thats hardly surprising if neither of us were having sex with anyone, not that it went beyond kissing on the first meeting. He had never had been unfaithful before and never thought he would be. He had also been very badly hurt by a previous girfriend and finds it very difficult to trust people and never lets them under his guard, me i've been hurt badly, but I seem to go back for another attempt every now and then. After 2 weeks from first meeting, we both stepped back and had a week-end of agreed NC to decide whether to continue or not. He had alot at stake as his W had said if she ever caught him cheating he would never see his kids again. I had already fallen for him big time so knew my answer but I left it to him to decide. He decided to carry on with our relationship, this was just before Xmas. By February, I decided, I'd had enuf of my relationship with my partner. I would like to point out that the MM was the final catalyst in causing me to do this, not the only reason. He never advised or encouraged me in anyway apart from to say you need to make sure your doing it for the right reasons. We dont see each other for great lengths on time, and usually between 5.30 and 5.50am, about twice a week, which involves me getting up at 4am. Yes I know i'm off my trolley. We do however spend at least 1-2 hours on the phone when he's at work very rarely a day goes buy without some form of contact. We do manage the very odd other occassions but these are getting less freqent as W becomes more suspicious, his mobile is inspected and held onto his journey home timed. He is also in trouble at work because for the last 8 years he has always turned up for work 20 mins before shift as supposed to now, its down to about 5, he continually gets asked by his boss whats wrong, he has been hauled before personnel twice to ask is everything alright at home etc. I say at least once a month are you sure you want to continue with this, he has always said yes as I make him very happy, we laugh together all the time and for the last 3 months has also said he loves me, which was a big thing for him. I have felt for the last couple of months though that we are going in ever decreasing circles & sooner or later it would come to a head. When I asked him about 4 weeks ago if he would ever leave her he said that he cant leave her as he couldn't bear to see his kids for less time than he does already, he said he almost did around April last year but couldnt do it in the end and tried to build bridges with his W. So here we are now 9 months down the line. This week was his birthday and he said he would work a half day so he could see me in the morning, his boss would not allow him to leave, so he was late home, so for the last 3 days W has made his life hell, not that I blame her for being annoyed, I would have been, but it led to a massive row with her and then today his mobile bill arrived for 82 quid, more arguements about who he was talking too, when he managed to phone me today he has said that he has been thinking, for the first time ever about ending our relationship, as he feels its reached decision time finally, not that he has made it yet. He has always said in the passed that he thought we could remain friends when it finished, however, I never thought that possible and today he said the same thing but by the same token he cant imagine not talking to me any more. What if he deicdes he still wants to carry on, is now finally the time for NC? What if he decides to end it, how do I stop my life seeming like its going to fall apart. I hate sounding and being so pathetic, I used to be quite a strong person, I have given him everything I have emotionally for the last 9 months, I feel wiped out, I feel in limbo. Even the thought of NC makes me cry, I have been crying most of the afternoon & evening, but I cant see what other route I now have. I dont believe in ultimatums & the NC is not to make him think about leaving her, although I sometimes wish he would for his own sake, but for me to move on, to try & close this part of my life & heal my heart. I suppose I could say lets break for a month and see what happens when we meet after that. I suppose I could say remember what it was like before me. I suppose I could just wait an see if this crisis blows over. But these seem pointless!! I suppose I really know the answer to my own question but I just fel I need some support from people in the same situ. Sorry for this being such a long post but its difficult to ask for advice without giving some background to the story. Thank-you
consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 It sounds to me as though you know what you have to do? I am unsure why you stayed in a relationship for 12 years if you were so unhappy and there are no children. I'm not really sure what I can say that will help you because it sounds like people just need to figure things out on their own.... From where I'm sitting, it seems like you should move on, in every aspect of your life. This will be a great challenge for you but it will be the best investment in yourself you can make. Do you want kids? Think about what you want from your life. This is your life, now. You have to mould your life so that you get what you want. I think you want to move on... but of course the problem is that it's painful. If you can do it, there will be something better ahead.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I had already fallen for him big time so knew my answer but I left it to him to decide Why? I know you love him but you've given him COMPLETE control over you and this situation. I wish you had found this site earlier because maybe you'd be in less pain and have more self confidence in yourself to understand that the situation you're in has no good ending. For you, for his wife, for him and for his kids. What if he deicdes he still wants to carry on, is now finally the time for NC? What if he decides to end it, Then let it end. If he asks you to leave him alone, do just that. Don't EVER contact him again. If he calls you, tell him to leave YOU alone. Take back the control and make the choice for yourself. It may be really awful and painful now, but imagine if this goes on for another year??? His wife is so close to finding out, and when she does, the stuff is gonna hit the fan, and you'll be feeling 100x worse than you are now. The few good and exciting moments he brings to you isn't worth the pain. Just ask most of the OW who post here. You have to do this, be strong and just end it. Get the closure you need from him and move on. Go talk to a therapist if you need to as well. That will only help your recovery.
Sami_D Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Hello NearlyThere, I think you already know in your heart that NC is the answer. You can't really go forward in any other way. You have some things on your side. For one, that he has thought about ending his M before you even came on the scene. Assuming he's telling the truth about that, then there is every reason to think that he will return to the same mindset once you are out of his life. In the meantime, he has met you, and having an OW almost always makes it less likely that the MM will act on his poor situation, because he has a distraction and support from the OW. Whether or not he leaves down the line... who can say. But you really do need to get out now, if you can. I know it's not easy. I have been there myself. I tried to go NC last October, but I didn't manage more than 2 weeks. But this time around, my second attempt, I have managed three months so far. The reason for that was that I couldn't bear any more of the anguish and worry and pain, and my health was suffering. Once you get to that point, and you sound there, or almost there... then NC is the right thing to do. You have much more to gain by going NC (peace of mind, primarily, and then regaining your strength and purpose), than you have by staying in the A at the moment. Can you have a talk to MM and explain to him why you think this is the right thing for you to do? He might well say 'OK I'll leave' at that point... or give some other declaration intended to get you to stay (depending on his frame of mind, and character). But, going on personal experience, even with the best will in the world, MM will not be able to do it while he still thinks you will wait for him. Delaying NC will just be prolonging your agony. The question in my mind is, since you work at the same place... are you going to be able to go completely NC? Or are you at other branches, or something? Best of luck, anyway. You have people here who have been through what you're going through, and can understand how hard it is to 'just do it'. It's not easy. It's VERY difficult. But it is possible.
Author NearlyThere Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Hi Consternation, thanks for your thoughts. It sounds to me as though you know what you have to do? Your right there I do know what I need to do, but the thought of going NC is so hard. I am unsure why you stayed in a relationship for 12 years if you were so unhappy and there are no children. I dont know why it ended up 12 years, hard to believe it myself sometimes, it just drifted on and I kept saying right will do it this year, but then one crisis happened to him after another, being made redundandant, serious illness, I just couldnt hurt someone who relied on me so much. It was turning 40 that also gave me the final push, that I had to do something, cliche I know but true. Do you want kids? Never really been too sure, now left it too late, 41 in about 4 weeks. Think about what you want from your life. This is your life, now. You have to mould your life so that you get what you want. I think you want to move on... but of course the problem is that it's painful. If you can do it, there will be something better ahead. I hope there is something better, because I need to get off this Roller Coaster.
consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Hi... I guarantee you there is something better. You are a grown woman and the world is your oyster. You have no kids so no responsibilities to tie you. You could do anything you want! Go live somewhere you always dreamed of, or see something.. learn something.. If you engage in life then you will meet new people, it's inevitable. Your partner is a grown man too and the truth is, he can survive a break up and in time would probably have a better life too than that you describe you have now. You know, my cousin is 42 and has 6 kids (!). After her husband had numerous affairs she finally kicked him out... I was just told she has a new boyfriend!!! Apparently she met him at an anger management course! (to deal with anger to ex i assume). While I don't recommend anger management courses as suitable venues to meet men, it just goes to show that it is never, ever too late. You have another say, 40 or 50 years on this planet. How do you want to spend them?
Author NearlyThere Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Hi Whichwayisup, thanks for your reply and thoughts to my post, Why? I know you love him but you've given him COMPLETE control over you and this situation. I wish you had found this site earlier because maybe you'd be in less pain and have more self confidence in yourself to understand that the situation you're in has no good ending. For you, for his wife, for him and for his kids. Why I let him chose, was because he was the married one with kids. I wish I had found this site earlier too, your right I have given him complete control, he calls the shots, I suppose though it ended up that way because once I had finished with my partner, the MM was the one that has it all to lose, at that time did not realise what I would lose was myself. Then let it end. If he asks you to leave him alone, do just that. Don't EVER contact him again. If he calls you, tell him to leave YOU alone. Take back the control and make the choice for yourself. It may be really awful and painful now, but imagine if this goes on for another year??? His wife is so close to finding out, and when she does, the stuff is gonna hit the fan, and you'll be feeling 100x worse than you are now. Your right again, she is so close to finding out, so why doesn't the MM end it with me, he knows whats at stake, I suppose its because I give him whats missing at home, and I dont mean sex. I dont want to think about wasting another year of my life on him though which is why I started the post. The few good and exciting moments he brings to you isn't worth the pain. Just ask most of the OW who post here. This I have found out. I read a post, letter to MM I think it was, along the lines about the things I hate, and so much of it was true. You have to do this, be strong and just end it. Get the closure you need from him and move on. Go talk to a therapist if you need to as well. That will only help your recovery. I'm hoping I find the strength to do this as well, the pain I am feeling about never seeing or speaking to him again is so bad at the moment though.
Author NearlyThere Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Hi SammiD, thanks for your reply, I think you already know in your heart that NC is the answer. You can't really go forward in any other way. Your right, I do know, its just doing it that seems so hard at the moment. You have some things on your side. For one, that he has thought about ending his M before you even came on the scene. Assuming he's telling the truth about that, then there is every reason to think that he will return to the same mindset once you are out of his life. In the meantime, he has met you, and having an OW almost always makes it less likely that the MM will act on his poor situation, because he has a distraction and support from the OW. I had thought that as well, all the time I give the MM what he needs he cant see that he really needs to look at his M and give it a good try to repair all that is wrong. Whether or not he leaves down the line... who can say. But you really do need to get out now, if you can. I know it's not easy. I have been there myself. I tried to go NC last October, but I didn't manage more than 2 weeks. But this time around, my second attempt, I have managed three months so far. The reason for that was that I couldn't bear any more of the anguish and worry and pain, and my health was suffering. 3 Months Nc is so good, well done, I cant imagine 3 days at the moment, but i know what you mean by the words, anguish, worry and pain. Once you get to that point, and you sound there, or almost there... then NC is the right thing to do. You have much more to gain by going NC (peace of mind, primarily, and then regaining your strength and purpose), than you have by staying in the A at the moment. I hope I get to that point soon, I need to, chatting on here helps such alot. Can you have a talk to MM and explain to him why you think this is the right thing for you to do? He might well say 'OK I'll leave' at that point... or give some other declaration intended to get you to stay (depending on his frame of mind, and character). But, going on personal experience, even with the best will in the world, MM will not be able to do it while he still thinks you will wait for him. Delaying NC will just be prolonging your agony. I will see MM next week, I think the discussion of us finishishing is pretty much inevitable after last week how the NC will go down is another matter. The question in my mind is, since you work at the same place... are you going to be able to go completely NC? Or are you at other branches, or something? Well although we met thru work, dont actually work together, I work on an IT helpdesk, he was a user with a computer problem, so unless he has another one I should not have to have contact thru work, and if he does have another problem if I am strong minded should be able to pass it over to another member of the team. Best of luck, anyway. You have people here who have been through what you're going through, and can understand how hard it is to 'just do it'. It's not easy. It's VERY difficult. But it is possible. Thank-you for your words of support and encouragement, lets hope I can go thru with it. Also keep up your NC, your doing so well.
Sami_D Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 NearlyThere, I hope the conversation with MM goes well next week. I well remember telling my MM that I thought NC was the only way (last October). It still makes me upset to think about it. We just weren't ready back then, but you sound like you're further down the line than I was back then. I wish you (and him) well. This is making me so sad.
Author NearlyThere Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 Sami_D Tell me did you feel like you were backed into a corner because thats how I feel. I feel that NC is the only way to go and but I really dont want to do it. I am sitting here crying yet again, no-one else who knows me knows exactly how much i'm hurting, i've got my brave face on when at work and family and friends. Its so much worse after a Saturday night alone again. He's texted me telling me its still not good at his house at the moment and theres nothing I can do. Sorry, just feeling very emotional at the moment.
Sami_D Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 What does he want to do? Why is he texting you telling you it's not good at home? Is he going to take some steps to end his M, or does he just want someone to complain to? I am not sure in what sense you feel backed into a corner? By his telling you his life is awful but he finds the idea of leaving difficult, but he can't imagine life without you? Because you feel awful and need to get out? I certainly felt that I needed my MM to make a decision and act. When he finally made a decision, the actions didn't follow (OK, I didn't give him a lot of time but I had run out of strength by then). I had to get out for my own peace of mind, and sanity. It was the only real option left to me. Is that what you mean?
Author NearlyThere Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 What does he want to do? Why is he texting you telling you it's not good at home? Is he going to take some steps to end his M, or does he just want someone to complain to? I think he just tells me everything because there is no-one else to tell it too, in return I used to say to him when days with my ex were bad, its also his way of saying thats why he cant text, we used to text even on his days off at least twice an hour, as that means his W has been watching him or has confiscated his phone for a while again. I dont think he will ever take steps to end his M all the time she says he will never see his 2 boys again, they're quite young 4 & 8, he wont take the risk it could be an idle threat, he will deny his own happiness for them. To be honest he keeps his feelings shut down, he has what I call this barrier that he has errected, its taken along time for him to trust me to let me in, to admit he cares and loves me.This is one of the reasons I get upset because I know if we go NC or we finish he will shut down again and cut off from himself what he feels and would never let me back in. I am not sure in what sense you feel backed into a corner? By his telling you his life is awful but he finds the idea of leaving difficult, but he can't imagine life without you? Because you feel awful and need to get out? I certainly felt that I needed my MM to make a decision and act. When he finally made a decision, the actions didn't follow (OK, I didn't give him a lot of time but I had run out of strength by then). I had to get out for my own peace of mind, and sanity. It was the only real option left to me. Is that what you mean?. Yes that is why I feel backed into a corner, because the only option available to me is NC, thats if he does not end it with me next week anyway, how can one person make you feel so happy and special one minute, but also have you so upset, in such a turmoil and unsettled. You see I only asked him straight for the first time about 4 weeks ago if he would ever leave his W and although he told me about 5 months ago he nearly left her last year I only asked why this Friday gone. The answer to the first was he could not bear to spend less time with his boys than he does now and as to the 2nd question was it had become unbearable at home, again the thought of the boys kept him there. I think our relationship started about 4 months after that. So now I know the answer, I also know there is really no point in pro-longing the agony, which is what has really made me post this. I need too try too move on no matter how hard its going to be and this following message is to everyone out there who has a dilema of some sort, its something a fellow work colleague said to me and although its obvious you sometimes tend to forget, please dont think I'm trying to preach to anyone though. You only have one life, you only have one shot at it, you only have a short time on this planet, which you dont know when is going to end, you deserve to make the most of it and be happy, so dont waste it.
Sami_D Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 You can't be sure that he will react to NC by shutting down and continuing with his life for the sake of seeing his boys, but it is a possibility. There are OW on this forum whose MM have done just that. I guess it all depends on whether the MM, after losing the OW, considers his life in the same way as he did before she came along. Ah, lots of factors playing in there. Including of course the resentment towards a wife who uses the children as bargaining chips to keep her M intact (that kind of thing makes my blood boil, but that's another topic). On the other hand, you can be sure he won't make a move to leave while you continue the R, and there is also what sounds like a strong risk of his W finding out, as she seems very suspicious. You said you'd read OldEurope's threads about going NC. Do you remember the bit about 'when it's time'... when you know enough about each other that going forward with the R can only mean the big change of MM leaving his M, otherwise you're going round in circles and not advancing the R, but getting stuck in an A situation? Do you think you're at that point? Because if you are, and you're tired with all the worry and pain, and there's a chance you might get found out, I'd think that going NC now is the best thing to do. I know it's not easy. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. (sorry if the look of this post is all wrong... connection problems so had to cut and paste it to email programme so it might come out all funny)
Author NearlyThere Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 Sami_d You said you'd read OldEurope's threads about going NC. Do you remember the bit about 'when it's time'... when you know enough about each other that going forward with the R can only mean the big change of MM leaving his M, otherwise you're going round in circles and not advancing the R, but getting stuck in an A situation? Do you think you're at that point? Yes I have got there and I know I seem to have got to this point quite quickly, only 9 months, but the circles are getting smaller and more confined. Because if you are, and you're tired with all the worry and pain, and there's a chance you might get found out, I'd think that going NC now is the best thing to do. I know it's not easy. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. No it wont be easy, but other people including you have managed so I must draw strength from ex or current OW on here and follow suit. I cant thank you enough for your support and I know that it must be upsetting for you to think and talk about it, and I appreciate you taking time out to do so for me, and although no doubt the circumstances are probably different, NC is still a very hard and difficult route to take. THANK YOU
Sami_D Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 NearlyThere, You're welcome for the support, that's more or less why I come here these days. In terms of how long it takes to get to the 'breaking point', I think that 9 months is probably a reasonable time. While I knew my MM for 2 years before finally going NC last April, the first year of that was Online only. Between meeting up for real (April 2005) and the first time I tried NC (October 2005) was only 6 months. It was by January this year (9 months) that I was really certain I couldn't continue any longer, but we were in a different situation to you... there was no suspicion on his wife's part. Oh, and we also couldn't see each other since December! If I remember OldEurope's story even vaguely correctly, she had an EA or friendship with her MM for the first year, and then there was something like 9 months of PA before NC. (Can't remember exactly) So... I'd say that 9 months is more or less a standard period of time to get to that point. I think that is also long enough to form a strong enough emotional bond that you don't feel you're cutting out before you've had chance to get to know each other. And I know that that's important from the point of view of being able to let go without thinking, 'did I give it enough time?'. I remember back in October, one of the reasons I broke NC was that I thought we'd not spent enough time together... And actually, those three months we had till Christmas were significant in terms of us getting closer, and defining what we really wanted from each other. I know that, for me, it was the time when I thought... I really don't want to lose this man. Anyway, I have faith that you can do this. You sound like you have your head screwed on. I will tell you what my MM said to me when we went NC... he said, 'be strong' (for us). And knowing that he is pulling his weight here, and honouring our NC agreement, is really helping. This is the only chance we've got of being together. It may not work out, but I have to do it, because the alternative was too painful.
Author NearlyThere Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 Update. Well didn’t get to see MM, but spoke to him on phone this morning until 3.30am. I knew he was due into work @ 6PM but he did not switch on his mobile until 11pm, I was wondering what was going on by then, so guessed it was bad news and was delaying it. Turns out I only have ½ a decision to make now anyway. He has decided that he can no longer risk never seeing his kids again, he said it’s the most difficult decision he has ever made and he wishes there was another way out. He said that I must hate him, when I said why, he said “we’ll I feel I’ve broken your heart”, I said yes you have, did not want to let him off the hook. I just asked 2 questions, have you ever lied to me about anything and do you genuinely care for me. He answered No and Yes to them, so I said well what more can I ask, I went into it with eyes open and we were both aware of what might happen. I had to hang up the phone a couple of times as I was sobbing so much, he got really upset as well. I said that I accept his decision and his reasons and will not try and persuade him otherwise, but said that he should really remember that he needs to sort his marriage out for his own good, if its really that bad, that those problems are not going to disappear. We thought about maybe cooling it for a bit, or only seeing each other every 6 weeks or so, but I said I thought that would be just prolonging the inevitable and we would still end up at this point. We also decided that we can’t see each other as the PA would continue, no matter what our intentions were. So now we are just left with how/if we are going to talk on the phone, trouble is I know that we would end up flirting with each other, then sex talk, then wanting to see each other and then back on the roller-coaster. However we both said that we cant imagine not talking to each other and so the conversation went, round in circles. We are going to talk again tonight, I’m going to suggest an initial 2 week total NC and see how I feel after that. That’s all I can commit myself to at the moment, I know I can manage 2 weeks. I know that its being weak willed but it’s the best I can do for now. At least it will give me a chance to pull myself together a bit, if I’m not hanging around waiting for him to call or trying to get to see him.
Sami_D Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Hmmm. 'You must hate me... I feel I've broken your heart... I wish there was another way." And who was it suggesting meeting up now and then..? And when you voiced objections suggested perhaps just phone conversations..? (was that you, I'm guessing it was him). It doesn't look too good. Sounds like he was never really serious. I'm sorry, that's just how it looks to me.
Author NearlyThere Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Hmmm. 'You must hate me... I feel I've broken your heart... I wish there was another way." And who was it suggesting meeting up now and then..? And when you voiced objections suggested perhaps just phone conversations..? (was that you, I'm guessing it was him). It doesn't look too good. Sounds like he was never really serious. I'm sorry, that's just how it looks to me. Actually the meeting up every 6 weeks was suggested by me as an alternative to us finishing, while the heat cooled at his house, I just promptly then disagreed with my own suggestion, a bad habit. Sorry, not too sure what you think does not look good and what he was never really serious about. No need for you to be sorry, every one has a different way of looking at things. Anyway, the relationship is over as it was, I have said I now consider myself single and am going to get on with my life. I am feeling quite positive and as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, of course that might be temporary.
Guest Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Hi... You have another say, 40 or 50 years on this planet. How do you want to spend them? I think the words above from consternation just about sums it all up beautifully especially the statement above. I think that what you need to do is try to at some point over the next few weeks take a few moments out to reflect on your life and see where you are now and where you want to be. When I say reflect im not talking about this relationship with this mm. Life is just way too short these days and none of us are guaranteed even to be here tommorrow. Not to be pessimistic but half the time we exhaust soo much time and energy seeking things that are not healthy for us while our life and the things that are more important is passing us by. Time is the most precious commodity of all in that once its gone we can't get that back. Love will always come and go but time once its lost its lost forever.
Sami_D Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Sorry, not too sure what you think does not look good and what he was never really serious about. Sorry, I didn't make myself at all clear in that last message, did I? I meant, that it seems that he was never really serious about leaving her. I know he had said, 'I can't do it (because she will not let me see the children if I leave)', but we all say, 'I can't do it' about something when we often mean, 'I can't see how I can do this' or 'I don't think I have what it takes to do this.' When I said, 'it doesn't look too good', I mean that it doesn't look like going NC would change his mind on this. It seems that he's happy enough to go along with what his W dictates, for the sake of seeing his children. She has him on a very tight leash there, for whatever reason. But I can see that I was probably concerning myself with things like him leaving, when you weren't!! Since you've always said that NC was for you, to remove yourself from the A. Your eyes were always wide open, while I was weighing up the possibilities of another outcome.
Author NearlyThere Posted August 6, 2006 Author Posted August 6, 2006 Sorry, I didn't make myself at all clear in that last message, did I? I meant, that it seems that he was never really serious about leaving her. I know he had said, 'I can't do it (because she will not let me see the children if I leave)', but we all say, 'I can't do it' about something when we often mean, 'I can't see how I can do this' or 'I don't think I have what it takes to do this.' When I said, 'it doesn't look too good', I mean that it doesn't look like going NC would change his mind on this. It seems that he's happy enough to go along with what his W dictates, for the sake of seeing his children. She has him on a very tight leash there, for whatever reason. But I can see that I was probably concerning myself with things like him leaving, when you weren't!! Since you've always said that NC was for you, to remove yourself from the A. Your eyes were always wide open, while I was weighing up the possibilities of another outcome. I think he did think about it (leaving W). I dont know if I would say he didnt think about seriously but he never got beyond the thought of losing his kids. But I certainly agree with the statment "but we all say, 'I can't do it' about something when we often mean, 'I can't see how I can do this' or 'I don't think I have what it takes to do this.'" I hadn't realised it but thats what I must have been hearing in my head. I just kept hoping that if it was as bad as he said it was at home he might decide otherwise, yeah delusional i know. Especially as the last couple of months he kept saying that he wanted to find a way to spend more time with me. Which is why I was quite surpised in some ways when he made this decision, because it seemed a complete turnaround. I agree that the going NC is not going to make him change his mind about leaving her, he has put up with it for however many years, he just accepts it as this is the life he has got, his words not mine. Yeah she has him on a tight leash probably because she knows she is treating him like c*ap. Also like you say, the NC was more to get my life back on track without him in it, to try and get rid of this constant yearning to be with someone who is not available, as oppose to trying to get him to leave, I don't know about my eyes being wide open, every now and then had dreams of a rose coloured spectacles ending. For about 5 mins anyway. lol. Anyway i'm very sorry to report that on Friday night, when he phoned me he said he had a "window of opportunity" to see me in the morning, and I said yes, . I hear his voice, it turns me on, thats it. Not that we are back together and I should imagine on Wednesday he is going to be saying that it can never happen again. Anyway, think this thread has come to its own conclusion really, because I was obviously reading the signs right anyway, it is the right time for NC, its now just a case of following it thru. Thanks for your help and support.
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