SadandConfusedWA Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I have been working closely with a man that is involved in a serious relationship with someone for months now - ok he is my boss. I have gotten myself completly infatuated with him. From the moment I applied for this job and he (and few others) interviewed me I was initially rejected, but he pulled some strings and got me in. We were complete strangers then. Anyway he has always gone out of his way to pay attention to me, bring me coffees etc. When we are close by he often looks me up and down, or stares at my legs or uhm chest. Also very often when we acidentally brush each other, he never moves his hand, or leg away. So I had the feeling that he is in fact attracted to me. Fast forward to yesterday. We were away at 1 day conference. He put on this really hot new shirt and tie. During our lunch time (we were all eating standing up) after we were all talking in a group of people he kind of cornered me so that we can talk one on one. So we spent ages just talking and flirting. We were standing way to close to each other. He mentioned that he had a head cold and maybe he should step away so that I don't catch in but when I said that I don't mind he stepped in even closer. He kept telling me jokes and leaned in so close that the whole length of our arms were touching. Others were staring at us. Anyway after they all left the lunch room, we didn't even notice and were last people left in there. So far so good. Fast forward dinner time. He went to the toilet and sprayed himself with heaps of cologne (I could smell it). When waitress walked us to the table she told us that there will be in fact two tables tonight. My boss was walking behind me. His boss sat at one table, I go next and sit opposite his boss at the same table. There is space next to me and my boss kind of looks at it then walks over and sits at ANOTHER table. I felt so hurt. Some other guy (that is actually married) sat next to me. And I was so depressed that I had a few drinks and flirted with him whole evening. After reasonable time I got up, excused myself, said goodbyes to all the people at my table, without even looking at my boss or his table and left. Can anyone help because I'm incredibly confused here. Why would this guy (my boss) snub me like that? Is it really possible that I'm completly delusional and he never really was attracted to me in the first place?
consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I'm confused. Is your boss married? If so, he probably didn't want to be seen in public with you around his boss.
HopefulOne Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Yes, is he married, you said serious relationship? Also, how old are the both of you, how long have you known each ( or I suppose how long has he been your boss)?
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 We are both late 30's and he has been my boss for about 6 months. And yes he is married, I said serious relationship so that you wouldn't all jump on the wagon of hating me where all I want to know is what did this incident mean.
HopefulOne Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Okay, I understand your reasons, but why would you want to involve yourself in this kind of pain, you think it's bad now, once you start it only get's worse. Do you know how long he has been married or even if he has any kids?
consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I thought that you must have been about 18 the way you were talking. Are you after a booty call relationship? Sounds like that's what he is after.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 It's not even that I want to get involved with him (or maybe I'm just lying to myself). I's just the impression I got is that he is attracted to me and has been all this time. And last night proved me that I could have been imagininig it all - that's what's doing my head in. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into what happened last night. So I came here for objective opinons on this matter. The only possibility that I could think of in my favour is that he didn't want to sit next to me and flirt with me while his boss is sitting directly opposite us. But that could be me just making excuses for him or wishful thinking.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 1)He's your boss. 2)He's married. Both means that is unavailable to you. 1)Because he is your boss, HE is acting very unprofessional by flirting with you. People around the office have already noticed you two flirting, so do you want to be the gossip around the watercooler??? Probably not. Don't ruin your work reputation by allowing this to go on. Plus, he's married so that makes even worse. Married or in a serious relationship, he's off limits. 2)He's married. What are you expecting from the flirting? A nice friendship? An affair to happen? That is wrong for so many reasons and it seems he's just looking for an ego feed. You're taking the flirting waaaaaaaay too seriously and taking it to heart. Getting your feelings hurt and feeling depressed because he didn't sit near you at the restaurant just shows HOW attached you're becoming to him. Are you married or in a relationship? You need to take a step back and understand that you're playing with fire. You're going to get burnt so bad if you don't cool your jets.
HopefulOne Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Would you want to be with a man who would flirt and cheat on you? Try to look at it that way. I am sure that you wouldn't want someone to do that to you, so why would you want him? Doesn't show much respect for his wife and doesn't so much for his character or integrity.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Whichwayisup thanks. Yes I have gotten too attached to him. But honestly I don't even know what I want from him. If it came to the crunch - I probably wouldn't have gone for an affair. I'm currently single but that's not the problem. I'm really not the type that goes Oh My God, I'm working closely with someone and he is a man! therefore I like him. I have lots of male friends. I have got few of them that want to be more. The problem is I want one man that I can't have. Yes it does sound like an ego feed from his side. He is just doing the flirting for the fun of it and I actually completly mean it. And I really don't want to be used like that. I guess my question would be when I come back to work how do I act? How do I show him that I'm not interested anymore? How do I behave when he starts to flirt?
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 You really don't have to react at all. If he flirts with you, just don't flirt back. If he leans close to you, lean away from him. If he asks you what's up, tell him, "You're married, you're my boss and you're off limits to me." And then STICK to that plan. You even said it yourself "The problem is I want one man that I can't have." You are right, you can't have him! SO, don't even allow your mind to think of him that way. Find some negative things about him and focus on those so you can detach yourself from him. Also, don't feel "flattered" that a man just wants to have sex with you. You're better than that!! The fact he's married makes it even worse because you know he's only after ONE thing. And that ain't a relationship. You'll be fine once you stop. You'll look back and see things much more objectively too, to the point where you'll be thinking, WTF was I thinking??? Good luck and don't worry at all about his reaction. Chances are he's not giving it much thought anyway. Sorry to be blunt but that's probably true.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Well I'm really glad I found this forum. It's actually helping me show how silly I am. I was crying all evening after getting home from the dinner because he didn't sit next to me. Really stupid. The problem is, I can't talk to any of my real life friends about it. Whenever I mention him, they pretty much all go but he is MARRIED, OMG you are a horrible monster and deserve to die for even thinking about it. Which really isn't much help.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 People get crushes, and sexual attractions happen. It's normal. Just don't make a big deal of it. Or act upon it! I'm sure at the office there are some men you can flirt with, share a laugh and know it's completely harmless and meaningless. To me, that's normal flirting, as it's not crossing the line and noone is taking it seriously. That kind of joking around makes the day fun and also it's just nice. With the MM boss, you've taken it too seriously and allowed feelings to grow. That's not good. But, you're aware of this now and THAT is GOOD! Don't beat up on yourself about this either. Just leave him be, and just focus on your work. And don't cry over this anymore! You're going to be fine!
Guest Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 there's a reason sexual harassment laws were introduced.
bunset Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 there's a reason sexual harassment laws were introduced. And that helps us... how? For pete's sake, attraction and love are NOT evil! It's what people do with those things that wreak havoc. SadandConfused: Yes, I think he wants you. No I don't know to what extent (he probably doesn't either) If he's married, anything other than a strictly professional relationship will be complicated and likely painful. Understand your feelings and motives, before you act on them... then be as sure as you possibly can about his. Then move on with your life, feel confident with your choices and be true to your heart, and know yourself.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 And that helps us... how? When the guy who is involved is HER BOSS, those laws DO come in handy. He is crossing the lines, not only because he's married, but because he's MANAGEMENT making MOVES on his EMPLOYEE. That is not appropriate behaviour for someone in his position. For pete's sake, attraction and love are NOT evil It is when your boss is hitting on ya. Yes, I think he wants you. No I don't know to what extent (he probably doesn't either) If he's married, anything other than a strictly professional relationship will be complicated and likely painful. Understand your feelings and motives, before you act on them... then be as sure as you possibly can about his. Then move on with your life, feel confident with your choices and be true to your heart, and know yourself. NO good can come of her situation. Read the full thread because the man IS infact married. This is an inappropriate crush that has gotten out of hand.
stillhere Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Sexual harassment laws are for "unwanted" sexual advances. She's WANTING these advances. She's not pushing him away, or letting him know that she's not interested. This is not a good situation. He's your boss, think of all the possible outcomes if you guys do hook up, and then things fizzle out and he's no longer interested...........and that is one way to look at it if he was single. But he's married, so multiply all those possible outcomes by 10. Either way you look at it, the outcome will not be a good one! I had slept with a boss at one time, it was a one night stand, both of us got our sexual tension out of the way. Things were really weird the next few weeks at work, but now we are back to our normal selves. It took a while. Imagine having a long term, or ongoing A, and feelings get involved, by one or both. That didn't happen with me, if it had, i'm sure i would no longer be employed at the same company as him. I'm not saying to be a prude and run screaming every time he comes near you, but keep your distance, and keep him as ONLY a friend. Don't discuss your family or personal life with him, keep it work related. Otherwise, you are headed down a road of pain and heartache. Take it from someone who knows, and is still dealing with it. This kind of pain is something i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Guest Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 You really don't have to react at all. If he flirts with you, just don't flirt back. If he leans close to you, lean away from him. If he asks you what's up, tell him, "You're married, you're my boss and you're off limits to me." And then STICK to that plan. You even said it yourself "The problem is I want one man that I can't have." You are right, you can't have him! SO, don't even allow your mind to think of him that way. Find some negative things about him and focus on those so you can detach yourself from him. Also, don't feel "flattered" that a man just wants to have sex with you. You're better than that!! The fact he's married makes it even worse because you know he's only after ONE thing. And that ain't a relationship. You'll be fine once you stop. You'll look back and see things much more objectively too, to the point where you'll be thinking, WTF was I thinking??? Good luck and don't worry at all about his reaction. Chances are he's not giving it much thought anyway. Sorry to be blunt but that's probably true. Fine words of wisdom here. I used to work with a very handsome 40 something year old man who was attracted to me and I was equally attracted to him. Besides his looks, I found him very charming and easy to talk to unlike other guys my age and he was often giving me praise and advice about what to do when I was having problems in my life. However, I kept limitations on the relationship because I knew he was married. He would always try to get me in situations where I was alone with him inviting me to lunch with him but I always declined telling him that because he was married I would not feel comfortable being alone with him under any circumstances. He would always tell me sob stories about how his wife was mistreating him and neglecting him (don't they all say this lol) I felt that if this man would betray his wifes trust like this behind her back even if she was less than a perfect wife that regardless of his charm he have to be someone with real lack of values and character and that I should in no way trust this man or have anymore to do with him. Eventually, I had to cut off all contact with this person and even found another job. Its very easy for us women to get emotionally attached to someone even if they are not available. But as was mentioned here even though I have never met his wife I put myself in her place and ask how I would feel if some woman was moving in on my husband. I also meditate on the fact that it would take someone really low down and dirty with real lack of moral values and character to betray his wifes trust by cheating and I want no part of that.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 Quick update, well he did call me just now at home (Sunday here) to talk about something project related. He casually asked me how did I get home that night because I just walked out and he didn't know what happened. I just put on a cheery voice and said, oh that, I called a boyfriend (I don't have one but he doesn't know that) to pick me up because I felt kind of tired. Hopefully he didn't see through that and doesn't know how much I like/liked him. I'm determened not to like him anymore.
owcanbhppy Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 sadnconfused, dont feel silly. just look out for yourself. if your boss was giving you vibes, 99% chance he was sending them. he did have an unspoken obligation to sit w/ his boss, as opposed to an employee to flirt w/ (even if he was single this obligation would be there). heres a few fatal things i see you heading for in your work life... 1) flirting w/ boss (single or married) 2) flirting w/ collegue (espec after flirting w/ boss) 3) flirting w/ colligue, i can see as a face-saver ('this is how i relate to people, wasnt doing anything w/ boss') as well as playing mind games w/ boss ('i have some one else to flirt w/ if you wont sit w/ me'). i promise you this, and ill preclude w/, it isnt fair; but, if you never flirt back, but you are the girl that men in the office flirt w/, it WILL come off on you. its not right but it is true. if you care about the job, friendly is ok to an extent, but show them you are there for business. if no one else is supporting you & you are around 30, definately make being taken seriously a priority. if youre not serious about where you are enough to make that a priority, find a place that inspires you to be that serious. i mean this to be helpful, as i speak as some one who knows, even when i didnt flirt back in my past in a couple of offices, i didnt make it clear enough that lines were being crossed & interferring w/ my rep & advancement. DONT GET YOUR HONEY WHERE YOU GET YOUR MONEY!!!
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