consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I told MM I would wait til end of September for him to end his marriage (said he could contact me at end of September if he was single). Now I'm not sure. It's so painful.
superconductor Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I told MM I would wait til end of September for him to end his marriage (said he could contact me at end of September if he was single). Now I'm not sure. It's so painful. Don't go changing your mind now. You told him the end of September. He took you at your word, and he trusted you with it. Yes, it's going to seem like a long wait, and yes it's going to be hard on both of you. But he needs to deal with his dissolving marriage, and will be needed a lot of support come end of Sept. Hang in there.
Author consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Thanks Super. I have been reading all the posts in this forum and I suppose I just ultimately don't have faith that there will be a happy ending. But it won't do me any harm to forget about men altogether for 2 months... rather than viewing it as 'waiting'.
eng.teach Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Hang in there! My MM and I have yet to set the big decision-making date, but I know it's coming in the not-so-distant future. Don't let the posts of others get you down- plenty of reasons to hope for the best.
Author consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 lol. I'll give myself one more day to wallow - then get on with things for the next 2 months and hope for the best. I miss him so much .... it's hard not to contact him, but it's like when I gave up smoking, whenever I'm tempted I remind myself, no good can come of this - there has to be a change and it might as well be now. lol.
Sami_D Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Hello consternation, So what was the plan with waiting, then? Did you ask for NC or did he, and who came up with the idea of the time limit, and what happens in September if he hasn't left? I've never heard of someone doing it this way... going NC and giving a time limit. I often think I should have done the same! (I went NC and told him he could contact me 'if he ever leaves', and if he never does, that's it). I'm wondering whether having a time limit would have the effect of making him more or less likely to leave at the given time?
Author consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Hi Sami... basically, he told his wife about the affair, she hit the roof (naturally) then next day told me he was taking a few days to think, then it was that he was saying 'goodbye' as presumably he couldn't handle how upset wife was, then i said righto then, im off etc... he then said can you wait til he 'sorts himself out'. I said I'd wait 2 months, but wouldnt be speaking to him in the meantime - if he was single at end of sept then I would be too, but didn't want to hear from him unless he was single. This all happened last week. I just told him 1 hour ago that íts too painful, that after his chopping and changing last week I no longer have faith in him. I'd rather just move on. If I'm that important to him he'll do the necessary and he can contact me in the future (I mean realistically its not like I'm going to be eloping with some new flame in the next 2 months.... just easier to cope if I can feel like I'm moving on rather than hanging about waiting.)
Mascara Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Why'd he tell his wife? You did the right thing btw.... told him in no uncertain terms that if he feels that strongly he'll be with you, without actually nagging and needling away at him - ie "This is the way it is, let me know when you've decided". That way, if he does come back, you'll know it's on your terms. He has no kids right? Pah.
stillhere Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Girl, i give you so much credit..........i myself couldn't do this. I know the outcome already! I prefer the "i'll make you want me so bad, that you will realize you need me" method. That probably won't work either, but it's all i got. My MM would never tell his W about our A. At least your MM wants to change something, either to end his M or your A. Either way, he's taking steps. Mine is happy with everything right now, and why wouldn't he be. I hope it works out for you in the end, either way. Do you think you can trust him not to do this to you? Has he ever cheated on his W before you, that you know of?
Author consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Hi Mascara... No, he has no kids (wife cant have after miscarriage). This was huge issue that I think caused the marriage breakdown. (Long medical interventions etc). They are both from NZ, he says his wife is going back to NZ (New Zealand) next week. Stillhere.... yeah well it is hard. I got a text during the night í have fallen for you and all i want to do is be with you and m ''(my daughter). I responded I cant do this any longer, I can't concentrate on the things I need to do and I'm being grumpy with everyone. He hasn't cheated before. I have told him that I don't know if I would trust him. Well, I'm sure I wouldn't to begin with. But I would be very wary of that. I don't like the fact that he has responded to a crisis in his life by being deceitful (which is basically what cheating is). I am just going to try and get through each day without weakening and eventually it will become easier. If he really doesnt want to be with his wife then he will end that relationship, if he really wants to be with me then he will win me back, and earn my trust. I dont believe I was put on this earth to be someone's No.2 and I know my daughter wasnt.
Author consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Oh... and sorry, Mascara... he told his wife bcoz I ended it and he basically lost it... went out with wife and friends last sat then snuck off during the night and turned up at my house drunk in the early hours... (!) ... I let him sleep on the couch then he went home around 6am and they had it out. He was back by 7am-ish bcoz she'd kicked him out.... he then went back around midday for round 2. This was last Saturday (1 week ago). I think the true horror of the situation set in when faced with his wife's presumably devestated reaction (he doesn't discuss specifics with me). So that takes us up to my post.... He told me when he rang to say goodbye the following Monday that she was returning to NZ and he would be staying here (for work). Sounds like that would be the death blow for their marriage to me. His reasons for why it was/is difficult to leave are as far as I can tell, that he would be ashamed... 2 members of wife's family work with him, wife's family and his have 'merged' (as per polynesian culture) and would be huge disgrace, effect other lives, blah blah, and I think he feels guilty re the no kids thing, indeed that is very sad.
Tony T Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I told MM I would wait til end of September for him to end his marriage (said he could contact me at end of September if he was single). Now I'm not sure. It's so painful. It's painful holding your breath? If so, I wouldn't if I were you!
Author consternation Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 Since things are so clear cut for you Tony I wonder why you're on an advice forum! Perhaps it's just to give us poor simple confused souls the benefit of your snappy wisdom! Things are so much clearer now!
Sami_D Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 consternation, I think you did the right thing to tell him you're not waiting around on him. Something isn't right here. His wife is going back to NZ? Why? Because of the A? Or was this a long-term plan? He doesn't sound like a good bet... far too unstable. You end it with him and he gets drunk and tells his wife, and then flips back because she's upset..? He doesn't sound very mature. How old is he?
Author consternation Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 Hi Sami... he's 28. His wife is going back coz of the affair. I don't think he is stable at the moment, I think he's feeling desperate. He's definately not immature.... he's always been extremely even tempered, always thinks before he responds type of person. Has a lot of responsibility in terms of supporting several members of family (incl mother) and so on. I'm trying but I can't think of him as immature. I guess he is just torn by the conflict of feeling he can't leave his marriage and also not being able to keep away from me. 'Not being him, I can't completely understand the pressures on him (family etc, whatever) but I can see that they are (to him at least) very real. He sent a couple of texts tonight ''can i see you this week please, cant stop thinking about you, im beginning to feel desperate' etc & I responded 'sorry but i just cant''.
Mascara Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Next time he texts asking if he can see you, reply "My answer to that is the same as your answer to 'have you left your wife yet?'"
Sami_D Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Hi Sami... he's 28. His wife is going back coz of the affair. I don't think he is stable at the moment, I think he's feeling desperate. OK. Well, he needs to get himself sorted out anyway. Even if his W has gone back to NZ, that doesn't mean the M is over and done with in any way. I wouldn't get sucked back into his drama. You did the right thing to go NC. What you should do in terms of how long to leave it, and on what terms? That is up to you. But I think you are best off away from him while he works through the end of his M (if that is what is happening). Good luck.
Author consternation Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 Haha Mascara... I will! And yes, Sami.... I agree. I can't see him ready to be entering a new relationship for some time until its all sorted out with his marriage (probably goes for any MM). I was feeling like caving in several times yesterday but am feeling determined this morning.
hope43 Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 consternation, Your strength is unbelievable. I don't know how you do it. Logically I know I should do the same thing, but when push-comes-to-shove, I can't do it. I may eventually get to that point, though. I definately think that's what it will take to get results, whether it goes my way or not.
Author consternation Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 Thanks hope... if you look at it this way - I'm sure you wont be the other woman you're whole life. THe situation will change - it's just a matter of when. So why not now? I don't feel I have a choice.. it's damaging for my conscience and my self esteem and its hurting 3 people. I know I will be happy again I just have to grit my teeth and get to that point in time. What a nightmare.
hope43 Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 You're right. There was a time when I felt that breaking things off was absolutely not an option for me. As time goes by, I feel like it may be the only option. I'm not there yet, and I'm not going to bring more misery on myself by forcing the situation. But everyday, I feel more and more at ease with the possibility. Once I am at peace with that decision, it will be alot easier to execute. It won't be much longer for me.
Author consternation Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 Maybe you can think about ways that will help you when the time comes? Like they say about giving up smoking - have a 'plan'. Like a holiday or a break? Or whatever you think will work? Just to get you over the first few days? I'm sure that in some ways it will be a relief and a challenge to be taking control of your life again? You know, I think an affair has a lot in common with an addiction. Look at those check lists for áre you an alchoholic'.For example... Have you ever lied to friends and family about your drinking? OR, Have you ever lied to friends and family about your affair? Has your drinking ever interfered with work or social commitments? Has your affair ever interfered with work or social commitments? etc.
Sami_D Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 You're right. There was a time when I felt that breaking things off was absolutely not an option for me. As time goes by, I feel like it may be the only option. I'm not there yet, and I'm not going to bring more misery on myself by forcing the situation. But everyday, I feel more and more at ease with the possibility. Once I am at peace with that decision, it will be alot easier to execute. It won't be much longer for me. Hello hope, (sorry to T/J) I just wanted to say that you're so right about when you can go NC. One really has to be ready, because it's so incredibly difficult to do anyway. It's not like going NC when someone has dumped you, or a R has come to any kind of natural end. It's just circumstances not being right, and feeling that something has got to change. Everything about how you two relate can be completely wonderful Going NC when you're in the middle of a R... it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, if not THE hardest. If you're not ready, if you're gut isn't there yet... it's just not going to happen.
Author consternation Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 Caved and rang MM's phone obsessively today, like 6 times in half an hour (message bank). Got home to discover email from him, the usual stuff, and also saying that his phone battery is flat. So he won't discover my lapse until tomorrow, hopefully by then I will have recovered. (Dunno why he felt the need to tell me his battery was flat, as I haven't rung it in about a week.) This is such a relentless slog, I feel like I'm running a marathon and sometimes it seems so tempting just to say what the hell, take a breather and give in to the emotions. I don't feel any temptation to see him, I won't do that again in an OW capacity... but I feel a temptation to fantasise, dream... to let him persuade me that his marriage will be over soon, that all he wants is to be with me, that everything will work out... But I guess I won't. Just have to get back on the ''I'm movin on!'' grind.
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