thelilorfn Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I am the W, and to be honest I feel uncomfortable being in this forum. But I have a question that just begs to be answered. When confronted by the W, why oh why does the OW deny deny deny?
Touche Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I am the W, and to be honest I feel uncomfortable being in this forum. But I have a question that just begs to be answered. When confronted by the W, why oh why does the OW deny deny deny? Why are you confronting the OW? Why not confront your H? I'm married and have never had my H cheat on me but if he ever did, I'd be confronting HIM, not the OW. I wouldn't want answers from her. Why would anyone?
owcanbhppy Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 ive not been in that situation, but i imagine its a loyalty to the husband/man shes involved with. while ow arent obsolved of responsibility here, it is your husb who owes you the answers. i hope you find comfort here, if it helps. i for one, will not attack when i havnt been attacked.
stillhere Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Because the answers should be from him. I'm not about to feed you any information that you are unaware of...........he should be doing that, not me. Plus, most of us OW's want to protect our MM's, as sad as that sounds. I would take the blunt of the W's anger to save him some pain. That's just me though, i can't talk for everyone.
consternation Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I think if the wife ever rang me, I would say that she should address her questions to her husband. I think that is between them (somewhat ironic). Part of me is thinking that, if you find yourself in a situation where you need to ask other women if they've slept with your husband, then you might as well assume the answer is yes and act accordingly. It doesn't sound like a way to live.... in that kind of environment of distrust. JIMO
Blind Illusion Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I would normally agree about confronting one's spouse instead of the other person. But, say you did that and for argument's sake, decided to confront the OW as well as the husband, to see if the answers match up, checking on just how honest the spouse is being. I'm not sure if you would get an honest answer simply because of loyalty issues. She feels a love for this man. That's where the loyalty comes from, I suppose.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I would say that she should address her questions to her husband. I think that is between them (somewhat ironic). That is true as he is the one cheating on her, but the OW who is sleeping with her husband IS part of the picture here. It isn't just between her and her husband! If the OW wasn't part of the picture to begin with then they wouldn't be in that predictament, right? thelilorfn, if you want to read a very good thread,by DazednConfused. His wife cheated on him and he goes through alot. His story is quite inspirational, I think it could help you right now. Here's his link. It's long but worth the read. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/
consternation Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Yes, that's why it's ironic. Nevertheless, it is her husband who she should expect honesty and fidelity from, not anyone else. If you can't trust your husband, and feel a need to question other people about what he's up to, then that's your decision to live with. But I don't think you can expect other people to be honest with you where your own husband isn't.
owcanbhppy Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 which, there are always going to be 'people out there'. who you take into your life & confidence, who agree to that role are the 1st concerns. each of us have the right to weed them out accordingly. if she cant get the truth & resolution from the one who took vows with her, its time to weed the garden.
climbergirl Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I believe the denial could stem from many things; Her not wanting to end any relationship w/your husband by way of her admission. Her protecting him. Her not wanting to admit to any wrong-doing. Her not wanting to hurt you any more than how (she feels) she already has.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Probably she is caught off guard by being confronted. Also would depend on the surroundings. Once confronted, she would be in survival mode. She doesn't know what type of woman the W is and it could get very ugly. I have never encountered this situation, so I am only speculating. If this happened to me, I would tell her to talk to her H. He owes the explanantion.
consternation Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I guess the answer doesn't really matter. The remarkable thing is that the question is asked at all. Why does the OW lie? Well... why do you care? I think if it was me, it might be because I would rather be thinking about what a lying bi*** the OW is, than look closer to home. Maybe directing all the anger towards your husband is too threatening, because it might mean you have to make some serious changes.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Consternation-I agree with you. More important question: Why does the H lie? It is his lies that directly affect you and your M. What would you rather hear the OW say? Or what did you expect her to say?
climbergirl Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Above posts...........both the mm and ow have culpability. Both had choices to partake or not in the relationship. I'm not trying to be judgemental--I was briefly (1 month) in an affair as the ow. And my guilt was enormous. I would guess that if I was ever the bs I would wonder why someone I didn't even know would do something that would hurt me tremendously. I figure that is the reason for the confrontation.
UnknowingOW Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I have been in your position when I was married. My Ex H denied, denied, denied. It was the OP who called me, and that gut feeling said..."they are sleeping with my husband." The OP was honest with me. More honest then my Ex H was. After learning the truth I confronted my Ex H who told me everything I never wanted to know. So yes, the OW could be honest with you. But how much do you want to hurt? I only wish my Ex H could have walked out of our M before doing to me what he did. You've posted to my thread about Would you want to know. You told me to tell her. I cannot. However, if she called me I would tell her the truth. That is the type of person I am. I do love my ExMM. But I won't lie for him. He's done that all on his own. He should be the one to tell. Just as your H should be honest with you.
scarletletter Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I never denied anything. I was caught red-handed and there was no way out of that. I have no reason to deny anything. We played with fire and got burned. We asked for it.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 CG-The A is between H and OW. OW don't go into it thinking about the W. (I should say I didn't. I thought I was just dating a single guy, anyway.) And I'm sorry, I don't feel responsible to the W. I didn't take any vows or make any promises to her, her H did. HE owes her. They share the mortgage, etc. And while I wouldn't necessarily lie, I'd tell her to talk to him. And why would you think that its ok for someone who vowed to cherish you til death do you part to hurt the wife and expect more from a stranger?
climbergirl Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 CG-The A is between H and OW. OW don't go into it thinking about the W. (I should say I didn't. I thought I was just dating a single guy, anyway.) And I'm sorry, I don't feel responsible to the W. I didn't take any vows or make any promises to her, her H did. HE owes her. They share the mortgage, etc. And while I wouldn't necessarily lie, I'd tell her to talk to him. And why would you think that its ok for someone who vowed to cherish you til death do you part to hurt the wife and expect more from a stranger? Please don't misunderstand me-I see what you're saying.......and I certainly don't think that it ever ok to hurt your spouse. But, I personally don't want to do anything to hurt another person (stranger or not) or their family. My opinion only. I did think about his wife and kids. I couldn't continue because of my contributing in any way to the demise of their marriage. Given that was my latter reason for possibly being in 'denial' when OP confronted the OW.
Author thelilorfn Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 I had confronted my H repeatedly and got nothing but denial. I tracked down the other woman and then asked her. I was feeling desperate for someone to tell me the truth. I was not excusing my H.
THX2000 Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 I am the W, and to be honest I feel uncomfortable being in this forum. But I have a question that just begs to be answered. When confronted by the W, why oh why does the OW deny deny deny? I have heard this question answered several times and the best response I have ever heard is this: "It is unreasonable to expect someone that is acting in a dishnourable fashion to do the honourable thing". The OW or OM for that matter doesn't care about you. They care about themselves and/or the consequences of their actions - it's human nature to try and avoid responsibility when confronted with wrongdoing.
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