thelilorfn Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 About 3 yrs. ago my husband had an affair that lasted over a year. I knew when it started, I found out her first name, I even found out where she worked, and ultimately I met her and spoke with her. She denied the affair, which to me made no sense. Didn't she want him? To this day he denies the affair. I wanted to leave him, desperately tried to leave him, but financially couldn't manage it. It wasn't until I heard her voice on my answering machine that it stopped. I had found evidence prior to that that she had been in my house, in my bedroom, and all he did was deny deny deny. He erased the message on the machine so I couldn't hear it again, and then broke down crying, saying that he couldn't live with this insanity any longer, and that I needed to believe that I was crazy and everything was in my head. About 2 wks after that he told me about a theoretical man who cheat on his wife b/c the "kick" wasn't there anymore. Not that he was saying it was right, he added. Now here we are 3 yrs later, and he behaves like the perfect, caring , doting husband. He acts surprised when something comes up which makes him realize that I haven't forgotten, that I still think about this on a daily basis. I surprise myself with how much rage I carry inside. Is there anyone else who has had this dilemna of knowing, but not getting their spouse to confess? I feel completely taken advantage of, and have no sense of security that it can't/won't happen again b/c there has been no resolution. I even hate him sometimes. Actually, loathe would be a better word. I may have the option (finally) of moving out in about a yr, and I think I may take it. I just can't come to any resolution without a confession.
silktricks Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 My first husband used to play with my head in much the same way that it sounds like yours does. He would tell me that things I had seen and touched did not exist. If I'd say I had seen something in the house, he'd go in to "check", move it, and then say it was never there. Then he told me I must be "demonized" to see things that weren't there. He made me throw away many of my belongings, some of which meant a great deal to me (such as my Grandmother's rosary). He was a control "freak" beyond anything I've ever seen. When he began screwing around on me, it was the same thing. Regardless of the fact that the OW told me about it after we separated (he didn't stay with her after I left him), and some of his friends came and told me as well. Fifteen years later, when I needed to discuss something with him about our son, he still insisted he had never been unfaithful - and the killer is - I think he actually believed it himself by that time. Some people simply lie, and lie, and lie and then they lie some more. And it seems that some people lie so much that they come to believe their own lies. I wish you the best.
bertie Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I wanted to leave him, desperately tried to leave him, but financially couldn't manage it. ..... I surprise myself with how much rage I carry inside....... I feel completely taken advantage of, and have no sense of security that it can't/won't happen again b/c there has been no resolution. I even hate him sometimes. Actually, loathe would be a better word. I may have the option (finally) of moving out in about a yr, and I think I may take it. I just can't come to any resolution without a confession. What would your resolution be if you did have a confession? If you would still hate/loathe then you might as well walk away now. I am hearing anger at being trapped (for financial or other reasons) in a relationship - you are not there out of choice any longer. Perhaps a confession will place you in a position of superiority (which your spouse currently holds because of finances and the truth which he only knows) but will it really affect your decision to stay or go? You seem to have made up your mind - or do you still hold out some hope? If he confessed and begged forgiveness would it make a difference?
linn949 Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 please read mine under infidelity shes 26 hes 47.......I went as far yesterday and hired a PD to find out where his other women lived,found out that and her husbands cell #,She called me today,after talking to her Iam starting to think theres has been going on alot longer than I suspected, still she says theres been no sex?? My SO made it out that this was all my fault,inevery way,he told me I was crazy, All I must do is sit and make up things...I do know now Iam not the one crazy its him and he needs help now.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 About 3 yrs. ago my husband had an affair that lasted over a year. I knew when it started, I found out her first name, I even found out where she worked, and ultimately I met her and spoke with her. She denied the affair, which to me made no sense. Didn't she want him? To this day he denies the affair. I wanted to leave him, desperately tried to leave him, but financially couldn't manage it. It wasn't until I heard her voice on my answering machine that it stopped. I had found evidence prior to that that she had been in my house, in my bedroom, and all he did was deny deny deny. He erased the message on the machine so I couldn't hear it again, and then broke down crying, saying that he couldn't live with this insanity any longer, and that I needed to believe that I was crazy and everything was in my head. About 2 wks after that he told me about a theoretical man who cheat on his wife b/c the "kick" wasn't there anymore. Not that he was saying it was right, he added. Now here we are 3 yrs later, and he behaves like the perfect, caring , doting husband. He acts surprised when something comes up which makes him realize that I haven't forgotten, that I still think about this on a daily basis. I surprise myself with how much rage I carry inside. Is there anyone else who has had this dilemna of knowing, but not getting their spouse to confess? I feel completely taken advantage of, and have no sense of security that it can't/won't happen again b/c there has been no resolution. I even hate him sometimes. Actually, loathe would be a better word. I may have the option (finally) of moving out in about a yr, and I think I may take it. I just can't come to any resolution without a confession. You're both living a lie. His big lie, denying the affair - or convincing himself it really didn't happen, is killing the marriage. I'm sure all that love and trust is gone. The marriage is over, I think you know this in your heart. Don't EVER let him think you're crazy. You're not crazy. I'm sorry that you didn't find this board 3 years ago, because maybe things could have been worked out through marriage counselling or you could have had encouragement from people to divorce him. I do hope someday soon you do end the marriage. I feel for you. The thing is, you're never going to get ANY confession out of him. He's decided that already. You're going to somehow make your own closure. Have you thought about going to talk to a therapist, just to help you cope through this?
bunset Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 You're both living a lie. His big lie, denying the affair - or convincing himself it really didn't happen, is killing the marriage. I'm sure all that love and trust is gone. The marriage is over, I think you know this in your heart. Don't EVER let him think you're crazy. You're not crazy. I'm sorry that you didn't find this board 3 years ago, because maybe things could have been worked out through marriage counselling or you could have had encouragement from people to divorce him. I do hope someday soon you do end the marriage. I feel for you. The thing is, you're never going to get ANY confession out of him. He's decided that already. You're going to somehow make your own closure. Have you thought about going to talk to a therapist, just to help you cope through this? I agree that it is a lie. To say he will never confess is pure specualtion based on ignorance of the situation. The biggest issue I see here, is what do you, as a betrayed spouse, want to do with this information? Why are you enraged? Why don't you discuss it with the wayward spouse? Your suspicions should have been discussed with your spouse LONG ago! You really must examine the why's, wherfores and depths of your reaction to such a discovery. You BOTH will need counseling, whether you want to save the marriage or not.
EndoftheRope Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I think what you're feeling, the rage and hatred, are very normal. Not only has he cheated and lied, he has played head games and made you question your own sanity and actually BLAMED you rather than come clean. It's a little like stealing something and standing in a court of law and saying your spouse really did it. Would you expect anyone to be less than horrified and aghast that her own husband covered his butt by casting aspersions and character flaws on his own wife? This is exactly what he's done: cover his own butt at your expense. That's about the cheapest, most selfish act of all of this. I honestly don't expect you'll ever feel anything other than hatred and rage as long as he keeps this up. It's a normal human reaction to what he is continuing to do to you. The affair may be over, but the lies aren't, and neither is the fundamental truth that his pride and good name are clearly more important to him than your well-being.
EndoftheRope Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I'll add another thought: I'm going through something similar, and I think part of the rage is when you're still seeking a way to believe him without acknowledging that you're crazy-- and really, those are the only two choices, that he's lying or that you're crazy. That's why you can't find an explanation that absolves you both, kwim? When I was able to start getting a grip on the rage is when I was finally able to acknowledge to myself, I MARRIED A LIAR. HE IS A LIAR. Then it became to me, his problem, more than mine of trying to figure out how he could be telling the truth, or convince myself I wasn't crazy. It has become easier to sit back in myself and shake my head and hope he'll grow up some day and realize that every lie he tells makes him a smaller and smaller person.
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