I hate to date

[looking for a different way]

Seriously, I really do hate dating. Or let's put it this way, I hate the modern western-society courtship ritual. From a sociological standpoint, I think it is unnecessarily complicated, too often misleading, and it doesn't work. If it did work, we wouldn't have a 58% divorce rate in America.

 

But for personal reasons, I hate it even more. To me dating is like and excruciatingly long job interview, for a position you really want. I hate trying to find places and occasions where it is possible to meet new people. Being a man, I hate standing around looking for signs that a woman is "approachable". I hate going through the animalistic rituals of getting her attention, of "making a good impression" and of setting up the first date. While in the early stages of a dating relationship, I hate the contstant uncertainty, the never knowing what the other person is thinking, the "when is too soon to call, I don't want to scare her away by being too eager" routine. What I'd really like to do is just wake up one morning, turn my head and find a reasonably attractive, very intelligent wife has appeared overnight, and just stick with her the rest of my life.

 

But of course that's not going to happen. So what are my alternatives? To continue functioning in a farcical ritual that I find unpleasnat and am convinced does not work? Or is there another way? Seriously, is doesn anyone know of a way to find a mate without having to deal with the rituals of courtship?

[Daisy]

First of all, a 58% (your numbers, not mine) divorce rate does not mean that dating doesn't work. It does imply however, that couples in this day and age don't take marriage vows seriously. The minute somebody decides they're not completely happy with the marriage, they sign divorce papers. Our society has led them to believe that this is the solution ... that if you're not happy, then why stay. We no longer "work" to keep a successful marriage because we're led to believe that if it doesn't work, ah well, there's someone better out there for us. Forget about trying to fix it. (Mind you, I'm not saying this applies to everybody ... I realize that some people out there do indeed do everything they can to make their marriages work, with the end result still being divorce).

 

So with that cleared up, you could always mail-order a bride. Other than that, sorry bub ... nothing else you can do.

 

You can always live your life alone of course.

[hate dating]

I don't disagree with hating dating also, it sucks. But there really is no other way.

[Ed]

The dating process can be very nerve-racking, but it doesn't have to be.

 

I can't say that I know how to get around all the things you mentioned. All I can tell you is to try to stop jumping through hoops for other people. You don't have to.

 

All you have to do is be you and let other people make their own decision as to whether you are somebody they want to spend time with. Trying to be what you think other people expect is pure hell. You will always be on pins and needles wondering if you did the right thing at the right time and so forth.

 

I hate trying to find places and occasions where it is possible to meet new people.

 

Don't go to places you wouldn't normally go to anyway. Don't go someplace just to scope out women. Go to places you like. That's where you will meet women that like to do the things you like to do.

 

I hate standing around looking for signs that a woman is "approachable".

 

Know what you want and act like you know what you want. Approach women you are interested in. It doesn't mean you will snatch every woman you approach, but at least you won't be sitting around waiting to find out if they like you first.

 

I hate going through the animalistic rituals of getting her attention, of "making a good impression" and of setting up the first date.

 

You get her attention by approaching her and letting her know YOU are interested. As far as making a good impression, just be you or you will be in the situation I mentioned earlier about jumping through hoops. You are not going to get it right and make the grade with every woman, but hopefully you will learn something every time you don't. If you want a date you have to ask for it and then only ask her to go someplace you like to go to, not somewhere you think she expects to be taken to.

 

I hate the contstant uncertainty, the never knowing what the other person is thinking, the "when is too soon to call, I don't want to scare her away by being too eager" routine.

 

You never will know what other people are thinking. You only find this out by talking. "When is it too soon to call?" You just have to calm down and use good judgment. Don't act desperate, but don't act like you don't care either. Just be natural. If she thinks you called too soon or didn't call soon enough, she is not one of the right ones for you. Make adjustments if needed and carry on.

 

To continue functioning in a farcical ritual that I find unpleasnat and am convinced does not work? Or is there another way? Seriously, is doesn anyone know of a way to find a mate without having to deal with the rituals of courtship?

 

Call it what you want. When you are trying to win the favors of a lady...you are courting. There are no two ways about that. I think you might need to just lay off for a while. Quit looking so hard. Take it easy on yourself. Go about your life doing the things you like to do. You will naturally and easily happen upon some decent ladies you find attractive. And when they see how laid back you having fun and being happy with yourself, some of them will want to join you...if you ask them to.

[boomerang]

I hear ya! I hate dating too. I doesn't work for me either. I am a woman and a very independent one and sitting around for the prince to come and say hi just doesn't work. OK, you'll say "A woman can make an approach too". But still, the guy has MOST of the power, which for me, is debilitating. I hate waiting for the phone to ring (or not ring), I want to take action in my hands rather than be passive.

 

I think my friend you have to thank your stars you are the guy.

 

Another reason why dating doesn't work for me is that I am low-key, very down to earth and I make no attempt to advertise myself, my accomplishments or show off in any way. Nowadays, being understated is equal to being invisible.

 

More reasons? I cannot flirt. Take that into consideration when talking to women. The fact that a lady spends time talking to you and listening to what you have to say is a sign enough she's interested.

 

Well, for me the only alternative to dating is meeting people in places where I have a hight chance of running accross them again and again: work, social clubs, church... I sometimes wish arranged marriages were still an option.... But getting your friends to set you up with a reasonable sane, maybe even compatible person might not be too bad an option, even getting then to be there on the first date to lighten things up a little.

 

Especially for older, more mature women, women who are secure of themselves, your being forward and showing your attention, showing her you're not yet-another-lukewarm dude, is very welcome, and can shift the scales to your favour. Good luck!

[yes]

I hear ya! I hate dating too. I doesn't work for me either. I am a woman and a very independent one and sitting around for the prince to come and say hi just doesn't work. OK, you'll say "A woman can make an approach too". But still, the guy has MOST of the power, which for me, is debilitating. I hate waiting for the phone to ring (or not ring), I want to take action in my hands rather than be passive. I think my friend you have to thank your stars you are the guy. Another reason why dating doesn't work for me is that I am low-key, very down to earth and I make no attempt to advertise myself, my accomplishments or show off in any way. Nowadays, being understated is equal to being invisible. More reasons? I cannot flirt. Take that into consideration when talking to women. The fact that a lady spends time talking to you and listening to what you have to say is a sign enough she's interested. Well, for me the only alternative to dating is meeting people in places where I have a hight chance of running accross them again and again: work, social clubs, church... I sometimes wish arranged marriages were still an option.... But getting your friends to set you up with a reasonable sane, maybe even compatible person might not be too bad an option, even getting then to be there on the first date to lighten things up a little.

 

Especially for older, more mature women, women who are secure of themselves, your being forward and showing your attention, showing her you're not yet-another-lukewarm dude, is very welcome, and can shift the scales to your favour. Good luck!