I need closure

[Lor]

I am MM W. He has been having an EA with a woman from his work, who he started talking to a year ago in Nov, and he knew her in HS. She's on the production floor, he's in the office. Our marriage had been on the rocks, her marriage was on the rocks. They started talking, then calling, then talking for hours.

 

I have talked to her--yelled, screamed, talked, cried, you name it. I have asked her at least 3 times to quit talking to him, let me work on my marriage, leave my H alone. She'd tell me she would. They would quit for a while then be right back at it until I would catch them at it again. I don't know who would initiate them talking again but that's a mute point since they would both call back and forth, not just him calling her or vice versa. It has not gone PA, or so I know. I don't know if he's talking to her anymore now or not--she'd told me this time it really was over--I moved out in May. But he'd started talking to her again as soon as I left.

 

I would like some opinions from OW; why would she keep contacting him when I've begged her to stop? I'm ready to file for divorce, not really because of her--to a point--but because of his fence sitting. I need some understanding and closure to help me move on. I have so many questions.....

[Lor]

I am not posting this thread to be condemning to OW. I only need to try and maybe understand where she was coming from that she couldn't let my H go. They swear they were just friends but at one point last Sept or Oct he'd told me that they were wondering if they would be happier together than with us, their SO. He's admitted since its only an ifatuation he'd had with her and that they are now only friends but I need to understand. btw, she's married with 3 kids, same as me.

 

If W called, pleading with you to leave her H alone, would you?

 

If MM told OW that he was considering working things out with his W, would you walk away or would you continue to be his shoulder, knowing that you were a big part of their problem?

 

If you knew he was lying to her about things, such as his saying he'd kissed her, knowing he was using you to get back at his W, would you continue your friendship?

 

I threatened her several times that I was going to contact her H but never did. Although I did drive out there--he wasn't there so I left a note which she was very upset about. If her marriage was as dead as she said, why would she get mad?

 

What could possibly be the pull that would drive her to keep wedging herself between them?

 

H is by no means innocent in this, nor am I. I had an EA but the man I was having it with was single. And I broke it off because I realized it was just an infatuation. If I had done it and he'd been married and she'd called me, there is no way I could ever justify not walking away. I just don't understand what kind of woman could do this and sleep at night. Can anyone give me insight, if it is only friendship, how could a friendship mean so much more than a marriage that you are willing to sacrifice it just to keep talking to him?

[whichwayisup]

Call her husband and let him know what's going on. The calls will for sure stop.

 

Problem is, they work together so neither of you can control what conversations they have there.

 

It isn't "just" friendship, both of them are too emotionally attached and having an inappropriate friendship. He knows this, she knows this. And so do you. Yet, I'm sure they're making it seem like it's no big deal.

 

They really should have NO contact, but seeing as they work together, that isn't going to happen...Unless one goes to find another job.

[Kathleen2260]

I'm not an OW but my SO had an EA with an ex of his. From my point of view the OW has NO loyalty to you, it doesn't matter what she says (that she will stop talking to him) Trust me, she won't. She needs the emotional support she gets from the "friendship" with your husband and is addicted to the good feelings that are obviously lacking in her own marriage. She is your enemy (not saying this to judge the OW but she doesn' t have your best interests in mind or she would have never started this with your husband.) The one who is responsible for ending all contact and sticking to it is your HUSBAND. He is the one who made the committment to you and you should be angry at him, not her. Don't even waste your time trying to talk sense into her. I would gather any evidence and go straight to her husband. Talk to him in person and let him know everything that you know. The OW and your husband have/had a strong emotional attachment but once you and her H are out of the picture they may find their connection is lacking in other ways and it won't work out. Maybe then they will choose to work on their own marriages (if that is what you want) but ultimately it is up to your husband to decide if he will have no contact with her and that is a MUST if you want to work on your marriage. I"ve told my SO that if he ever so much as says hello to the ex he wanted to have an EA with that we are done, no questions asked. So far so good.

 

You say that you had an EA too and that the man you had this with was single. You state that if you had later found out he was married you would have left. Well the OW knew your H was married when this started so why would she care about him working on his marriage now? She is hooked and it is up to your H to end it. But I would still talk to her H and make him aware of the situation.

[Lor]

thanks for the input. Yes, my H knows I know. And he knows if he were to ever want to have a life with me again that it would have to be OVER with them, preferably one of them finding another job.

 

They don't have to have contact--they are in different world in their company. I can't keep them apart and this I know.

 

Oh, and I'm angry at both of them. If she hadn't stayed in the picture, I wouldn't have to be filing for divorce. He can't work on us as long as he keeps puting her in the middle--friends or not.

 

I've put off calling her H, mainly because I don't want her kids to go thru what mine have been thru. I'm not afraid to, and have actually tried to call him a few times when I've been very angry. But, watching my kids cry themselves to sleep....how can I do that to somebody else's kids? Yeah, she's brought this on too but that is cruel.

 

I need to have an understanding of what kind of person she is. I've read several posts on this site and not all OW/OM are like her. It may sound funny but I do think if I get to understand her better, I can let him go easier.?. Maybe I'm just deluding myself and prolonging my pain. I don't know.

[whichwayisup]

Why don't you tell HER that if she continues contacting your husband, then you'll call her hubby.

 

That might get her to back off.

 

You don't think if he found out first he wouldn't call you? I'm sure he would and be extremely pissed at your husband.

[whichwayisup]

The other thing is, you don't know if their marriage will break up over it. They could work it out, go to marriage counselling.

[stillhere]

I'm an OW, and i can tell you this, if my MM's W called me.........i would leave him alone. I would back off and stop contacting him. But, if he contacted me again after her call, I would talk to him, and see him if that is what he wanted. I'm very weak when it comes to him, and i know i'd be nervous, but i wouldn't refuse him.

 

I think that he is contacting her first, or she has no respect for you or your feelings.

 

A similar situation happened to me at work. One of my bosses learned how to text message (i taught him, now wish i hadn't), and he had my number, and apparently had a crush on me, so he started texting me. I'm a little naive (ok, a lot) so i'd text him back, thinking he was just being friendly. Plus, he was my boss, so i gotta stay on good terms with him.

 

His W showed up at my house, screaming and yelling, telling me that he confessed to everything, so i might as well tell her the truth. She had gotten the cell bill, and my number was obviously on there many times for text messages. There was nothing going on between us, not on my end at least.

 

My point is........in a way, i was having an EA with my boss, even though i didn't know it or want it. I avoided him at all costs from that point on. She made him quit, which didn't hurt my feelings any. But now there are rumors going around that i was sleeping with him, and still am. WTF! And some of these rumors are supposedly coming straight from his mouth. I'd kill him if it was legal!

 

He would still contact me after he quit working with me..........next phone call from him, and i'm calling his W.

 

I know i got off subject slightly, but what it all comes down to was this......he's more than likely contacting her first, and if she respected you, she would walk away from him forever.

[owcanbhppy]

chances are good, hes kept the connection going w/ her. even if shes persued, if hes made the committment/re-committment to the m, her persuits would fall on deaf ears.

 

i do hope you find the closure you seek. your husband is operating from a single mans brain. if she didnt bite, hed look to find the next one interested & see what kind of connection could be made. shes not your problem in the long run, he is. but he doesnt have to be.

 

unless i misunderstand, you want a committed marraige partnership. you deserve that. nothing wrong w/ finding some one on the same page with you about that. best of luck

[Lor]

Thanks to you all. I have told her several times that if she didn't quit I was calling her H. But, since I didn't follow thru, I was all bark and no bite. The last time though I got so pissed off I went and picked up divorce papers, then drove out to her house to talk to him but he wasn't there. I left him a note saying that they were having a EA and had been for a year, to check his phone bills. I had to talk to the woman next door to make sure I had the right place and then asked her what OW was like. She told me, then I told her thanks, she's having an affair with my H. When OW came home boy did I get a phone call. WTF was I doing out at her house. I became more than just a name my H talks to her about--now I'm a real live person that she better not F with anymore.

 

I honestly think they are both initiating the contact. But thanks, stillhere, for the words that explain that about weakness. Guess I can understand that to a point.

 

Last time I talked to her she actually begged me to not get the divorce. I don't understand why or how, if she's trying to help me with him--they both say she's been telling him to get back with me almost from the start--would she still be there if I've asked her to please leave us alone. You're right, she has no respect--for me or for him or our children. Which honestly I guess I can't expect anyway. And I know, don't believe anything she says--actions speak louder than words.

 

Thanks again. I don't know if there really is an understanding to be reached.

[newbby]

i agree, that she is not your problem, he is.

he knows that his marriage to you is on seriously shaky ground and yet he is still in contact with her. perhaps if you have nc with him and leave him to get on with it, then he will see the reality of life without you...maybe this is the only thing you can do at this point to get him to listen.

it is him you need to be working on, not her.

[lovernotafighter]

I didn't read this whole thread so if I am missing something important,please forgive me for my lack of attention ( Ive had little sleep)

 

I had respond because I didn't really see something (from others posts) that I believed when I has my EA...and maybe this OW thinks like I did.

 

I didn't consider it a affair just extremely close friends that could share anything..even some fun flirting..I really didn't think I was harming anyone..I truly believed it was friendship and he was my best friend .( of coarse hind sight is 20/20 and I see what you all are saying)

 

but when my husband found out how tight we were and didn't ask..told me..to stop I out right refused. I told him he had allot of nerve asking me to give up my best friend only on the grounds he was a man.

 

and his wife also found out about us and didn't think my husband knew and called him..he told her what I had said..apparently the MM said the same stuff to her..(he didn't warn me ,she made him sit there while she called my home)

 

and all honesty they pushed us closer together because we truly believed we were 'just friends'. and I told my husband many many years ago that if he ever asked me to choose between him and someone I love..he would lose just because he asked me to do that.

 

I now see how much me and my exMM hurt everyone..I couldn't see it till my husband did the same to me..unfortunately I have found myself in a far worse situation, but thats another story floating around here.

 

but what I'm trying to say is you telling her husband might not do anything and the 2 of them might feel the whole worlds against them and turn very romeo and Juliet.

[Sami_D]

I have talked to her--yelled, screamed, talked, cried, you name it. I have asked her at least 3 times to quit talking to him, let me work on my marriage, leave my H alone. She'd tell me she would. They would quit for a while then be right back at it until I would catch them at it again. I don't know who would initiate them talking again but that's a mute point since they would both call back and forth, not just him calling her or vice versa. It has not gone PA, or so I know. I don't know if he's talking to her anymore now or not--she'd told me this time it really was over--I moved out in May. But he'd started talking to her again as soon as I left.

 

I would like some opinions from OW; why would she keep contacting him when I've begged her to stop? I'm ready to file for divorce, not really because of her--to a point--but because of his fence sitting. I need some understanding and closure to help me move on. I have so many questions.....

 

Because she was having a relationship with him, rather than you. As others have said... her loyalty, her interest is with him. You say that he has been calling her, and she calls back, and vice versa. I don't see that there is a lot you can do about her actions, if he is encouraging her, and wants to talk to her.

 

What does your H say about it? Does he admit to still calling her, or are you looking at his phone records? Has he agreed to work on the M and yet is still lying to you?

 

You say you are 'ready to divorce'..? I'm not quite sure of the whole story here, I think.

[Lor]

Sorry, I've been posting to the separation and divorce forums. I first found out about OW about 2 weeks after my H and I first separated--he hit me with it a year ago today when I came home from vacation, right after picking me up from the plane. Needless to say, I knew we had problems but I got hit with a sledgehammer. A friend of mine, upon finding out what was going on, and she works with him, said she didn't know if there was anything to it but that they were spending an awful lot of time talking together. Knowing this, I kept telling him if there was anyone else to tell me because I didn't stand a chance; her being new, me being old.

 

I didn't say anything for about a month (I think or two weeks). Anyway, I finally broke down and checked the cellphone bill. The first time he'd called her was on our 5th wedding anniversary. Within about 3 months time he had racked up 800 minutes talking to her. He'd do it while I wasn't home with the kids, and while I was on vac he didn't call me once but he talked to her for hours every day.

 

It finally came out about her. I didn't call her for a long time then finally snapped one night and did. It got ugly. To make a long story short, they've gone back and forth, both of them, and it really doesn't matter anymore. He told me last night it was no different that telling him he couldn't talk to his best friend (a guy) anymore--big difference.

 

I gave him the divorce papers last night, signed and all. He won't work on the M so that's it. His loss.

 

Thank you all for your insight. No, she doesn't have any respect for M and neither does he. I've read of some posters on here wondering whether they should get into a EA/PA with a MM--please, please, please! Don't do it. So many people get hurt in them, no matter how harmless or careful you think you are. My H doesn't seem to have gotten too hurt over this, its me, my children and my in-laws that have had to suffer. My children especially who I have held as they cried, trembling, wishing for Daddy to come home and not understanding why.

[BenThereDunThat]

Sorry, I've been posting to the separation and divorce forums. I first found out about OW about 2 weeks after my H and I first separated--he hit me with it a year ago today when I came home from vacation, right after picking me up from the plane. Needless to say, I knew we had problems but I got hit with a sledgehammer. A friend of mine, upon finding out what was going on, and she works with him, said she didn't know if there was anything to it but that they were spending an awful lot of time talking together. Knowing this, I kept telling him if there was anyone else to tell me because I didn't stand a chance; her being new, me being old.

 

I didn't say anything for about a month (I think or two weeks). Anyway, I finally broke down and checked the cellphone bill. The first time he'd called her was on our 5th wedding anniversary. Within about 3 months time he had racked up 800 minutes talking to her. He'd do it while I wasn't home with the kids, and while I was on vac he didn't call me once but he talked to her for hours every day.

 

It finally came out about her. I didn't call her for a long time then finally snapped one night and did. It got ugly. To make a long story short, they've gone back and forth, both of them, and it really doesn't matter anymore. He told me last night it was no different that telling him he couldn't talk to his best friend (a guy) anymore--big difference.

 

I gave him the divorce papers last night, signed and all. He won't work on the M so that's it. His loss.

 

Thank you all for your insight. No, she doesn't have any respect for M and neither does he. I've read of some posters on here wondering whether they should get into a EA/PA with a MM--please, please, please! Don't do it. So many people get hurt in them, no matter how harmless or careful you think you are. My H doesn't seem to have gotten too hurt over this, its me, my children and my in-laws that have had to suffer. My children especially who I have held as they cried, trembling, wishing for Daddy to come home and not understanding why.

 

Lor, my heart breaks for you! I was involved in an EA that turned into PI, so you were absolutely right to tell him it has to stop. You are his wife. This was hurting you. Had my MM's W called me, I would have run in the other direction with my tail between my legs. As it was, for me, I had to seek out a picture of her so I could put a face to her name. That gave me strength to end it. It's easier when the W is a nameless, faceless thing that never gets brought up.

 

I think you're wrong in that your H hasn't gotten too hurt, this is going to hit him. Hard. And it won't be as if you didn't express to him your feelings.

[Lor]

I think you're wrong in that your H hasn't gotten too hurt, this is going to hit him. Hard. And it won't be as if you didn't express to him your feelings.

 

Thanks. In all honestly, I hope this hits him very hard where it hurts. He may be hurting, only problem is that he's telling her how bad he feels, not me, and this I know for a fact.

 

Just to give OW what a BS goes thru, at least my scenario-- I am not a pysco, I am not a violent person (normally). I am an attractive, 34 yr old mother of 3 with a college education, intelligent, very hard-working, and strive to be a good mother and supporter of my H. And its taken me a year to be able to say any of that. This A has tore my entire world apart and my children's. My self-esteem completely crumbled, I felt as if everything I had was gone, everything I had ever done for him meant nothing, all the things he had done for me for all those years were lies. All the trust I had in him was destroyed. Every loving word he'd told me was a lie. All the vacations, the camping trips, the talks while driving, when we built a snowman together, his dancing with me, all his kisses were an act, his holding me and making love to me. All of this still went on right up until the time OW showed up in the picture. It was as if I wasn't woman enough to keep him happy, all the suppers I cooked, all the times I took care of him after he'd have an accident, the clothes I washed and put away. Keeping his favorite snacks in the cubboard away from the kids. Renting movies he'd like. Seeing something he'd like and getting it for him. All that was torn away. I don't have my house anymore, the one I sewed curtains for by hand and decorated. Was I that bad in bed, did I ever do anything right? Did I let myself go? If only....what if I had.......this isn't supposed to be happening!

 

I have not taken this easy or lightly. I didn't tell him whatever he wanted to do was fine; I've gone kicking and screaming, trying to make him miserable and trying to make them both feel guilty. I have cried, I have swore, I have raged, I have talked reasonably, I have wanted to kick her *ss, I have laughed, I have come on to him, I have sent nasty emails and text messages and I have sent emails apologizing for what I did wrong for years and if he could just love me... I have made threats and I have cajoled. I have had a nervous breakdown and depression, gotten drunk more times that I can count, and have somehow picked myself back up. Wondering how hard it would hurt if you drove your truck into that tree at the side of the road, maybe enough to kill you so you don't have to deal with it anymore. I have had to hold my children as they cry themselves to sleep. I had to listen to my son say that he didn't want to see us separated. That he didn't have a Dad anymore. I have fielded questions like why doesn't Dad love us anymore, why doesn't Dad love you anymore? I have had to hear my 5 yr old daughter cry to me on the phone when she's with her Dad, please Mommy, can't I come over to your house for a few hours? Why I can't I spend the night? Mommy I miss you so much. Please Mommy.

 

 

I realize not all BS go thru what I have, and not all OW are like my H's. But, if you are considering it, thinking only of yourself, and if you can stomache what an affair will do to a family then.....well, there's nothing anyone can say.