Opposites? Long, But I Need Help!

[Kiz]

My SO and I have been together since for roughly 10 months.

 

We've weathered a great many storms, mostly, b/c I was (and perhaps still am) recovering from an extremely abusive relationship.

 

To be honest, I have taken this man thru hell.

 

Now, a number of things are puzzling me and I fear I'm about to lose him for good:

 

1. He's going "home" for two weeks this holiday. Please note that I don't celebrate the holidays any longer b/c most of my immediate family has passed away. I am often sad and depressed around this time, but I understand the reasons why and get thru the season well. My SO doesn't go home to celebrate (he loves his family but hates the holidays). He goes home b/c it's the slow time at his job and he can take two weeks to relax. Note, he doesn't even want to celebrate New Years. He just wants to eat, sleep, and read (he's an avid book collector).

 

I feel deseserted. I don't want him to stay, but the thought of him being gone two weeks has me feeling very lonely. This leads to,

 

2. To make up for his two week absence, I decided to have us celebrate this week-end. We had a nice evening at home (his place) on Saturday and then went shopping on Sunday (he bought a gift for his Dad). Well, I wanted to end the evening physically (please note that I'm a very sexual female and don't think it's odd for a couple to make love each time they are together).

 

He thought we should just end a "comfortable week-end" (his words) by going to sleep. Please note that he HAS to have 8 plus hours sleep or he can't function.

 

Well, I felt rejected. I won't see him for 16 days (not counting the two days he will need to recover from his drive back here).

 

He thinks I'm overreacting. As far as he's concerned, the fact that we've gotten through so much drama (again, it was my fault) and are still together, should prove to me that he cares deeply. He thinks I focus too much on the physical.

 

In part, I can agree, but we are both in our early 30's and I don't think it's normal for a male his age to be comfortable making love twice a week (and not doing so when he's going to be away from his SO for an extended period).

 

I feel rejected. I KNOW that he's not sleeping with anyone else. He REALLY does have a lower sexual drive than I. How do I get my needs met and not go crazy?

 

3. I don't understand why he is still with me. Trust me, my behaviour was totally out of control (to his credit, he understood where it came from);but, when I think about #'s 1 and 2, and then add in 3, our still being together makes no sense to me.

 

He tells me that I have to look outside the physical and accept that what happens outside of bed is more important that what happens in it, but I'm so confused.

 

He's not interested in having kids (he's tied to his schedule...go to bed at a certain time, get the requisite 8+ hours of sleep, wake up, check his email, eat the SAME breakfast, go to work, eat the same lunch EVERY day, go home, check his email, read the papers, eat the same dinner, read his book, go to bed and start the whole process over).

 

I am the exact opposite, with every day being an adventure. I just feel as if I'm not making him happy.

 

But then, after living thru WW3 with me, maybe I'm the one who hasn't learned anything?

 

I know I love him, I've told him this (he's not said the same), but given his personality, I can't see him still being with me if he didn't really care.

 

(FYI, my ex was abusive, cheated, etc; so, going to the other extreme with my current SO is jarring).

 

Thanks for reading this, any insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

Kiz

[Tony T]

I'm sure he cares but that doesn't make much difference. No matter how much he cares, you are not getting important needs met and your relationship is on a collision course with disaster.

 

In my opinion, if he really cared he would make the holidays a little more special for you...that is, if you have communicated your feelings to him.

 

There is a major compatibility problem in the difference in your sex drives. It sounds that while you are quite passionate sexually, he is not and it's not likely to get better. I don't think you are willing to live through your 30's and 40's with the current level of sexual activity.

 

He is still with you because he's satisfied just the way things are. But that's not the question you should be asking. What you should be asking yourself is why are you still with him? What are you getting out of this? Is he making you happy?

 

You're not getting major things out of this relationship that you rightly desire and there's no expectation things will get better. A counsellor can't make your guy want sex more often. A counsellor can't make him more considerate. A counsellor can't make him appreciate the holidays more.

 

The feelings of being rejected physically will grow into deep resentment if you don't do something soon. Why don't the two of you get together and talk this out? There is just no reason to hang around. If you stare at a Volkswagen for a hundred years it won't turn into a Rolls Royce. Is there some reason you think your situation might change?

 

After the two of you talk, you can decide on either giving it one more shot...without great expectation...or developing the least painful exit strategy.

 

I'm really sorry this has come to a head during the holidays but, believe it or not, lots of relationships end around Christmas time when emotions and expectations are high.

[Ed]

I don't think you have to fear losing him. I think your fear is you are discovering that he may not be a compatible mate for you.

 

He is living his life to his satisfaction. No one can blame him for that. What your post seems to indicate is that the way he lives is not fulfilling for you. You are not fond of his daily lifestyle. It seems hum-drum and boring to you, yet it apparently meets his wants and needs. Although his lifestyle may change in time, it also may not. Demanding or expecting certain behavior or feelings from another will not work. You have to accept people for who they are, not what you want them to be or what you hope they will, could or should be.

 

You said that you feel rejected and deserted. It is not his fault you feel this way. Yes, he did tell you he didn't want to have sex the night before leaving. Yes, he did decide to leave town for two weeks without inviting you. Under other circumstance, you could have just as easily been relieved by his absence and glad for some non-sexual time together. But, you feel the way you feel. You have the right to feel any way you want to.

 

If you don't feel the way you want to feel about anything in life, it is up to you to do something about it, not someone else. Doing something about unwanted feelings requires action on your part. Your action with respect to the feelings you are having now depends on the level of commitment between you and your partner. It may be something you can talk about alone together or with someone else, individually or together. You may want to talk to a friend or counselor. You may just want to get out of a situation that you don't feel good about. It's your choice.

 

It is not unusual for a person to find themselves with someone completely opposite from their previous mate. You were so unhappy with your previous mate you didn't want to be with anyone close to that. But, it's sort of like going from one extreme to another. Maybe without knowing it.

 

I don't know if you two are compatible mates or not. No one does. That is up to you and he to work out and decide. You both have to find someone you are comfortable and content with. Someone who will allow you to be you, feel what you feel and someone you can accept likewise.

 

You will make it through, over and past this one way or another. Through some kind of action or inaction on you part, right or wrong, you will deal with your feelings. I hope you find a way that brings happiness into your life soon.

My SO and I have been together since for roughly 10 months. We've weathered a great many storms, mostly, b/c I was (and perhaps still am) recovering from an extremely abusive relationship. To be honest, I have taken this man thru hell. Now, a number of things are puzzling me and I fear I'm about to lose him for good: 1. He's going "home" for two weeks this holiday. Please note that I don't celebrate the holidays any longer b/c most of my immediate family has passed away. I am often sad and depressed around this time, but I understand the reasons why and get thru the season well. My SO doesn't go home to celebrate (he loves his family but hates the holidays). He goes home b/c it's the slow time at his job and he can take two weeks to relax. Note, he doesn't even want to celebrate New Years. He just wants to eat, sleep, and read (he's an avid book collector). I feel deseserted. I don't want him to stay, but the thought of him being gone two weeks has me feeling very lonely. This leads to, 2. To make up for his two week absence, I decided to have us celebrate this week-end. We had a nice evening at home (his place) on Saturday and then went shopping on Sunday (he bought a gift for his Dad). Well, I wanted to end the evening physically (please note that I'm a very sexual female and don't think it's odd for a couple to make love each time they are together). He thought we should just end a "comfortable week-end" (his words) by going to sleep. Please note that he HAS to have 8 plus hours sleep or he can't function. Well, I felt rejected. I won't see him for 16 days (not counting the two days he will need to recover from his drive back here). He thinks I'm overreacting. As far as he's concerned, the fact that we've gotten through so much drama (again, it was my fault) and are still together, should prove to me that he cares deeply. He thinks I focus too much on the physical.

 

In part, I can agree, but we are both in our early 30's and I don't think it's normal for a male his age to be comfortable making love twice a week (and not doing so when he's going to be away from his SO for an extended period). I feel rejected. I KNOW that he's not sleeping with anyone else. He REALLY does have a lower sexual drive than I. How do I get my needs met and not go crazy? 3. I don't understand why he is still with me. Trust me, my behaviour was totally out of control (to his credit, he understood where it came from);but, when I think about #'s 1 and 2, and then add in 3, our still being together makes no sense to me. He tells me that I have to look outside the physical and accept that what happens outside of bed is more important that what happens in it, but I'm so confused. He's not interested in having kids (he's tied to his schedule...go to bed at a certain time, get the requisite 8+ hours of sleep, wake up, check his email, eat the SAME breakfast, go to work, eat the same lunch EVERY day, go home, check his email, read the papers, eat the same dinner, read his book, go to bed and start the whole process over). I am the exact opposite, with every day being an adventure. I just feel as if I'm not making him happy. But then, after living thru WW3 with me, maybe I'm the one who hasn't learned anything?

 

I know I love him, I've told him this (he's not said the same), but given his personality, I can't see him still being with me if he didn't really care. (FYI, my ex was abusive, cheated, etc; so, going to the other extreme with my current SO is jarring). Thanks for reading this, any insight would be greatly appreciated. Kiz

[Kiz]

Thanks to both of you for wonderfully thought out responses. I need to hear male pov's and both of you are right.

 

Nothing about him is going to change and I do fear facing the fact that maybe this is not the right relationship for me.

 

He is totally different from my ex (from all of my ex'es actually. I have NEVER been in a health relationship. Frankly, I'm just becoming healthy, so I in no way am laying blame for past relationships solely at the feet of my partners. It was, in each instance, a two way street.).

 

My current SO is so steady and calm. I crave that. I am not bored with him, and can accept that his life is good for him. To be honest, I don't want anything to change. I don't care if he does the exact same thing from now until the end of time; except for the Making Love!

 

When I'm with him, it feels so right. He's told me that I'm the best partner he's ever had, but that for him, the connection can't just be physical. I just get scared that if I'm "the best" (and I believe him...another plus with him is that I know he never lies tome, I can't tell you how comforting that is), then why does he not want me anymore.

 

I should add that he's white and I'm black and sometimes, I think that may be an issue (not for him, but for me). I've dated outside of my race, but b/c each relationship I've had has stunk, I just can't believe that this white male, who's only ever dated white females who are pretty much the same as him, could ever want me forever.

 

He tells me ALL of the time to relax and to accept that he does want me, that he could give a rat's butt about what others think. I know that's true.

 

He is so sure of himself, inner directed, if you will. Nothing anyone else says affects him. He knows what he believes, wants, needs. Rock steady, this guy.

 

I, on the other hand worry about how to combine our two families, how to combine our two lifestyles. He just keeps telling me that the only two people that matter or him and me.

 

I want so much to believe, but I've been burned so badly, that I'm having trouble seeing HIM.

 

My exes keep getting in the way.

 

I'm sorry for another long post. You two really did help.

 

Have a happy holiday! (sorry for any typos, I broke my wrist and typing is difficult just now...)

[Crystal]

well!

 

i could of written this post about myself as well.

 

you know the only thing i can really think of is

 

besides sounding a little low on the self-esteem issue

 

feeling that why would he want to be with you and asking for the re-assurance, etc.

 

i have been in one abusive relationship after another all my life, seeking the drama if you will.

 

well the last guy i was with nearly killed me by turning off the pilots of the gas stove and beating me near unconscious, then he left me stating that i was crazy???

 

hmmmm, where is the justice there.

 

anyway, i did not date anyone for over a year and felt that i could now be free from these types of men and be strong enough to say no to any abusive relationship.

 

but i found out that no matter what you do to help yourself and to change your self if you don't do the work necessary and only do the lip service that you will still be the same person.

 

what have you done since being out of your last abusive relationship? have you gone to counseling, al-anon, read books??

 

these things are so vital as i have found out the hard way.

 

it does nothing to just be withsomeone who is no longer abusive.

 

it's like when your with an alcoholic and he quits drinking, the problems are still there.

 

the problem has become "you" you are the one who needs to get fixed.

 

please don't take this the wrong way. i mean this so lovingly because if you don't get some help you will always fall back on those "drama seekings".

 

i've lived that out with my current b'f as well. the hell i have put him through. literally sabotaging our love, his trust, his hopes, our future together.

 

i have gone to the extremes almost blindly to destroy the best thing that i feel in my heart has ever happened to me, but my head still begs to differ.

 

please read some good books about this, melody beatte has some excellent work books and books about co-dependency, and john bradshaw as well. these can be so useful in situations like this.

 

and please listen to him when he tells you physical is not everything.

 

i know this may not sound good but it is always an option, to just take care of yourself, sexually. i know some people are grossed out at the thought but it's better then suffering.

 

i hope things work out for you. it sounds like you need to figure out if this guy is to stable for the wrong reasons, because you still crave that excitement and drama of an abusive relations, the drama is an addiction, though i know you would not choose it, as i never chose it either, but it seemed a better distraction from my life and my problems then being alone and lonely.

 

i hope this makes sense, if not please let me know and i will try to clarify things.

 

i'm only speaking from my own past and my current relatinoship because my guy sounds just like your's does but not quite as much a stickler to routine as your is, but he is so self-confident self-esteemed, motivated, and nothing could rock his world, and i feel jealous of that at times to and have wanted to rock his world at times to shake him up a bit so he would not be so smug but i couldn't do it to him that would not be right, but things are working out pretty darn good after i started reading things and seeing things in a new light so to speak.

 

good luck and i wish you all the happiness you can stand and you deserve alot of it to, don't live your life unhappy, it is way to short. take care.

Thanks to both of you for wonderfully thought out responses. I need to hear male pov's and both of you are right. Nothing about him is going to change and I do fear facing the fact that maybe this is not the right relationship for me. He is totally different from my ex (from all of my ex'es actually. I have NEVER been in a health relationship. Frankly, I'm just becoming healthy, so I in no way am laying blame for past relationships solely at the feet of my partners. It was, in each instance, a two way street.).

 

My current SO is so steady and calm. I crave that. I am not bored with him, and can accept that his life is good for him. To be honest, I don't want anything to change. I don't care if he does the exact same thing from now until the end of time; except for the Making Love! When I'm with him, it feels so right. He's told me that I'm the best partner he's ever had, but that for him, the connection can't just be physical. I just get scared that if I'm "the best" (and I believe him...another plus with him is that I know he never lies tome, I can't tell you how comforting that is), then why does he not want me anymore. I should add that he's white and I'm black and sometimes, I think that may be an issue (not for him, but for me). I've dated outside of my race, but b/c each relationship I've had has stunk, I just can't believe that this white male, who's only ever dated white females who are pretty much the same as him, could ever want me forever. He tells me ALL of the time to relax and to accept that he does want me, that he could give a rat's butt about what others think. I know that's true. He is so sure of himself, inner directed, if you will. Nothing anyone else says affects him. He knows what he believes, wants, needs. Rock steady, this guy. I, on the other hand worry about how to combine our two families, how to combine our two lifestyles. He just keeps telling me that the only two people that matter or him and me. I want so much to believe, but I've been burned so badly, that I'm having trouble seeing HIM. My exes keep getting in the way. I'm sorry for another long post. You two really did help. Have a happy holiday! (sorry for any typos, I broke my wrist and typing is difficult just now...)

[Kiz]

I'm close to tears.

 

I needed to hear what you've said.

 

I feel as if I can't shake the "monkey" of my ex off of my back.

 

When I was with my SO on Sunday evening, I felt so frejected b/c he didn't want to make love before he was leaving. All he kept saying was that I needed to accept that relationships had to be more than physical.

 

Then, I told him that since he had spent so much money on my that week end, the least I owed him was a "insert really nasty word beginning with f".

 

He was totally livid at that point. He told me that the fact I would even think I "owed" him made me "f word again" up.

 

I know he's right. All I could think was that if I didn't sleep with him, someone else would (shades of the abusive, cheating SO at this point).

 

I'm in individual counseling. I really like my doctor, but to tell the truth, I turned to you on this page, b/c I couldn't take talking to her anymore.

 

I probably need a support group, but I'm not sure where to go.

 

I need to know that I'm not alone (so, thank you for your post...I feel so stupid. This man is good and kind, but I HATE that about him. I think I'm jealous of him. He's so sure of HIMSELF, screw everybody else. And I'm so sure that I'm nothing but a big disappointment.

 

Honestly, it scares me that the thought of him going away for two weeks has me acting like a shrew.

 

Prior to my last abusive SO, I was a big believer in couples having individual, apart time. I CRAVED it, b/c I had so many outside activities. But now, I'm afraid of my own shadow. I can't commit to any of my prior activities and I know that I'm depressed.

 

As I said in the initial post, holidays are difficult, b/c most of my family has died, so I don't have anyone to do the "holiday" stuff with.

 

Then, I have my current SO and he's going "home", but not even to do holiday stuff. He bought presents, but his family doesn't do any of the "Hallmark" stuff. I think part of me is even mad about that, b/c I want so badly to re-create the happy times I had and I'm seeing a man who thinks all of that stuff is over rated.

 

I know, I need to do some serious work on myself.

 

Thanks again for a great post. I'm keeping this one!

[Crystal]

hi...it's me again....just wondering how old you are?

 

do you know that every time we live in fear of a past abuser we are giving them power?????

 

please don't use sex as a weapon to hold onto your man, he will not change his feelings for you because you "put out" or don't "put out" and if he does then he is not worth it anyway.

 

by saying that since he had spent so much money on you, you wanted to pay him back with sex, makes you sound like a prostitute and i believe that really hurt him alot. again using sex for repayment or control or whatever reasons, to feel connected to him, will not work.

 

these things have to come from within. no amount of sex, love, money, material things will make you happy, at least not for long. sure they are nice to have, but in the long run, a steady feed of love, trust, friendship, companionship, and fun with your guy will show him that youlove him, not sex!

 

i'm glad your in counsleing, is there a reason you can't talk to her? if so, then maybe you should find a new counselor if that is possible.

 

a support group is a really good idea too, you are not alone! believe me! and don't feel stupid about anything at all. it is possible to be jealous and or resentful of your guy, him having everything that you want; self-esteem, self-confidence, being so sure of him-self, etc.

 

i know my guy is just like that too. at times i hate his smugness, or what i perceive as smugness, i have come to see is really almost like HATE!

 

i hate that i cannot have that motivation, that self-confidence, that self-esteem, that good job, that will power and on and on the list goes. yes i hate him at times for having everything i would love to have

 

i think it is called perjections.

 

anyway, when i was in abusive relationships my biggest problem was control. i felt if i could control everything then i didn't need to worry about what he would do, where he would go, what would happen next, i could live in peace.

 

yeah right. control is only an illusion. i never felt that we should be apart like you use to, i always felt if he was under my wing then i didn't need to worry about him drinking and then beating me later from his anger about his sad ass, unhappy, miserable life, that he took out on me.

 

now what is weird though, is that with my current guy, i still think the same way!! i still am stuck in the past, and the past is giving power to the guys that were abusive, i let them have that power still.

 

i'm working so hard on it but the biggest problem i have is letting him go do what he wants to do. some days i can say to myself, i trust him, i want him to hang out with "the guys", other times, i cant do it at all.

 

what the difference is on these days is my own self-esteem. when i feel good about myself, maybe i had a good work week, a good counseling session, i look good in the mirrow, i ate healthy all week, i worked out all week, etc...

 

maybe on those days when ifeel good about my self then i feel good about us and i can let some of that control go. unfortunately those days are few and far in between, but i'm still working on them.

 

it's like you have to keep it all active and up front in your mind or it slips away and you fall back into old patterns.

 

with this guy, i've gotten more insecure myself. i don't understand why that is, maybe it is there self assuredness that makes us feel more intimidated? more unsure of ourselves? or further away from what we are use too.

 

do you grieve at all for what happened? for what was the way you use to be? if you are depressed, why don't you try an anti-depressant? there are some new one's out that don't have as many side-effects as the old one's and that can make a world of difference in the way youlook at your self.

 

as for the holidays. i can fully understand your loss, my family is far far away and my mom died a while back ago too. however, if youare open to this, there are so many people in the nursing homes that have no one to come and visit them.

 

or volunteering is such a wonderful way to help yourself and others through the holidays.

 

did your guy invite you to come along? if not why not?

 

when he come's back, maybe you could have a special time with him as a make up holiday.

 

if you think this is not the way you want to spend your holidays then you need to move on. when my mom died i didn't want to even acknowledge holidays anymore, i hated them, they were so painful.

 

it has taken me about four years now to finally get over it and start enjoying them again. it took about two years with my current boyfriend to feel welcomed to his families for the holidays, now they accept me with open arms and i enjoy them fully, so there is hope.

 

if you are unhappy with this relationship then you need to move on and find someone more compatiable. if you think you can change things/him and make him want to enjoy holidays again, or if you can see them as over rated and not worry about celebrating them, then maybe things could work out.

 

either way, one or the other of you will have to adapt to the other's way of doing things. if it comes to a point where you have to change so much of either yourself or each other, then it's definitely not the right person your with.

 

i dont know if what i've said made a lot of sense or not, i'm just talking from where i've been and where i am now. and it sounds like we have a lot in common to a point and that is why i can relate to your post.

 

when i've thought of leaving my guy, i think about the way he is, so generous, so affectionate, so sweet, so good to me, yet he can be a real ass too and that is why at times i want to leave him.

 

then i think of all the good in him, and i've had the problem of losing my sex drive from premenopausal problems, and he gave me grief about it for a while then i told him i should leave him so he could go find some young horny girl to satisfy his every sexual desire, and he did not want that cause he says he loves me, so he hasn't really said that since.

 

anyway, read some books, don't listen to that inner critic, she can lead you astray. believe when you guy says that sex is not the way to show/prove love, he is right, though some guys/girls may differ in their opinions but each to his own, i truly believe that sex is not the answer to showing love, but an extension of it.

 

take care and since you are alone for the holidays, i wish you peace and happiness, and some time to think about what you really want and need and if you can get them from this guy you are with now?

I'm close to tears. I needed to hear what you've said. I feel as if I can't shake the "monkey" of my ex off of my back. When I was with my SO on Sunday evening, I felt so frejected b/c he didn't want to make love before he was leaving. All he kept saying was that I needed to accept that relationships had to be more than physical. Then, I told him that since he had spent so much money on my that week end, the least I owed him was a "insert really nasty word beginning with f". He was totally livid at that point. He told me that the fact I would even think I "owed" him made me "f word again" up. I know he's right. All I could think was that if I didn't sleep with him, someone else would (shades of the abusive, cheating SO at this point). I'm in individual counseling. I really like my doctor, but to tell the truth, I turned to you on this page, b/c I couldn't take talking to her anymore. I probably need a support group, but I'm not sure where to go. I need to know that I'm not alone (so, thank you for your post...I feel so stupid. This man is good and kind, but I HATE that about him. I think I'm jealous of him. He's so sure of HIMSELF, screw everybody else. And I'm so sure that I'm nothing but a big disappointment. Honestly, it scares me that the thought of him going away for two weeks has me acting like a shrew. Prior to my last abusive SO, I was a big believer in couples having individual, apart time. I CRAVED it, b/c I had so many outside activities. But now, I'm afraid of my own shadow. I can't commit to any of my prior activities and I know that I'm depressed. As I said in the initial post, holidays are difficult, b/c most of my family has died, so I don't have anyone to do the "holiday" stuff with. Then, I have my current SO and he's going "home", but not even to do holiday stuff. He bought presents, but his family doesn't do any of the "Hallmark" stuff. I think part of me is even mad about that, b/c I want so badly to re-create the happy times I had and I'm seeing a man who thinks all of that stuff is over rated. I know, I need to do some serious work on myself. Thanks again for a great post. I'm keeping this one!

[Laurynn]

Dear Kiz,

 

I can surely relate to a fair bit of what you're going through. I grew up in a very volatile, chaotic, physically/mentally/emotionally abusive home, then went on to get into one abusive relationship after another. I ended up marrying the King of a**h***s: very abusive, a cheat, disrespectful, horrible. I've now been divorced for 7 years, thank God.

 

I wanted to know, how long ago did you get out of your last abusive relationship? (before getting into your current one).....do you think you gave yourself enough time to really heal and become whole again? For me personally, it took me 4 years after leaving/charging/divorcing my ex hubby to really have the capacity to trust again...up until that point I was terrified of getting into another bad relationship....to the point of not wanting to date "large" (tall, well built) guys just in case they decided to smack me around. Yeah, I actually sought out guys who were thin/shorter than me.

 

I'm sorry that your guy has decided to take off for 2 weeks during this time. I would be hurt, too. If you've been together for 10 months, this would be your first Christmas together......I think it's really stinky of him to want to spend it without you.

 

Now about your feeling rejected, with him not wanting sex.....I know how you feel......I'm not putting you down in the least but it seems you still have some self-esteem issues to deal with. I sense that you don't feel very good about yourself...that you don't think you have all that much to offer someone except your body......and maybe you equate someone wanting to have sex with you, with LOVE. I can understand why you feel this way, but I hope in time that you'll see that someone can and WILL love you without you "owing" them sex.

 

Have you ever considered just sitting down and spilling your guts to your guy?......letting him know that it would have been nice to spend some of the holidays with him...ask him why he didn't bother to ask you to join him......

 

If you're finding it difficult to talk to/or that you're not getting anywhere with your current therapist/doc, have you considered contacting a local Battered Women's Shelter there? I highly recommend this. They don't just deal with women who are CURRENTLY in abusive relationships......they also deal with those trying to heal from same. These gals who work/volunteer there, are ones who've been past victims of abuse themselves......they are probably some of the only people in the world (aside from other women who've been abused) who can really relate......who know exactly what you're talking about.....who can truly empathize with your fears/feelings/concerns, etc. A lot of these shelters also offer support groups for women.....that might be something that would be beneficial for you, to find friendship and support of other women who've been in your boat.

 

Just a little about my situation...like I've said, it's been many years since I divorced my ex but I still deal with the impact of things to this day. One of the hardest things for me is to be able to really trust a man. I'm currently in a new relationship (about 2 weeks old)...he's wonderful and we've definitely connected in a way I've never connected with anyone before.......but I often find myself doubting things......sometimes being almost sick to my stomach, wondering if he'll ever cheat on me........wondering if he'll ever hurt me.........almost to the point of wondering if maybe I'm "looking for trouble" (trying to find reasons to not date him) because I'm trying to protect myself from being hurt.

 

We haven't had sex yet (I'm waiting to start on the Pill) and I'd like to wait a few more weeks becuz in the past, things moved so quickly and I'd like to take this one more slowly in that regard....but I find myself worrying that if I make him wait for too long (like 3 weeks) that maybe he'll 'find it' somewhere else.

 

Sometimes when he says he'll call after work and he's late, I'm ashamed to say but one of the first thoughts in my head is that he's with someone else....it's just a passing thought, but it's clear to me that being cheated on so many times in the past has really screwed up my ability to trust..which is sad.

 

He promises me that he'll never hurt me, never lie to me, never cheat or hit......that all he wants to do is make me happy.......and part of me loves that, but there's another part of me that's very cynical and I find myself thinking to myself, "yeah, right....guys are all full of BS".......

 

Being cheated on in the past really took a toll on my self-esteem......made me rather insecure, and jealous of the slightest thing. I've mellowed out a lot..but it's taken a lot of work and conscious effort on my part. I'm also a very sensitive person, maybe 'ultra-sensitive'..and I really take things to heart.....and I'm often looking for possible 'hidden meanings' in things......almost like I'm looking 'for the bad' so that I can get out now and keep from getting hurt. It's all something I have to work at daily because if I don't, I'm only going to sabotage every relationship and end up alone.

 

Abuse and infidelity cuts deep...the scars may fade over time but they're always going to be there. When someone you love betrays you....disrespects you....hurts you.....abuses you, well....I just don't see how you can ever be the same person again. I think it takes a very special partner to work WITH you during the ongoing healing process.

 

For me and sex, well my abusive ex always wanted sex right after he'd smack the crap out of me.......I guess it was his way of seeing if I'd forgiven him for what he'd done to me.......in his mind, if I had sex with him then everything was okay. It got to the point that I was completely disgusted with sex and didn't care if I ever had it again. He was also abusive in the fact that nothing in life with was ever without a pricetag........he forced himself on me many times......and if I ever wanted anything (his help with something, him to go to the store to pick up some milk, something little like this), I had to give him a blowjob......everything for a blowjob. I felt like a worthless piece of meat.

 

I'm still sensitive about this, and it's taken me a long time to NOT associate/equate oral sex with being abused.

 

On the other side of the coin, I know I fear that a man will leave me if he doesn't get sex when he wants it.......OR, that if he does something nice for me (treats me well) that I OWE him something (sex). It's complex, isn't it?

 

Anyway....I really do understand where you're coming from. There's thousands of us out there who DO understand, you're really and truly not alone *hugs*

 

You're more than free to email me any time if you'd like to talk/vent/get things off your chest.......okay?

 

Laurynn

 

[email protected]

[Kiz]

I'm doing well thanks to you all!

 

I'm 34. You'd think I would act my age, huh?!

 

Anyway, I adore my doctor, I just didn't feel like having the "clincial" conversation anymore.

 

I do take an anti-depressant and it helps. I think (so does my doctor, by the way) that I'm having seasonal blues.

 

I have given thought to volunteering, there are nursing homes and shelters in my area. This USED to be one of my many activities;but, to be honest, I felt as if I had nothing more to give. But, I still may return to this. I am sure that helping others will help me to get out of this selfish, "feel sorry for myself" cycle.

 

Everything you posted made sense to me. It was as if I were reading about myself.

 

The part that made me laugh was about "diet". I go through phases where I try to fast, cut out meat, salt, etc. Excercise, wear make up, etc. I do feel better. Then, I feel strong and secure in my relationship;but, when I don't have control of something (like my diet), I don't have control of myself.

 

My SO didn't ask me home with him, b/c:

 

1. he doesn`t trust me after all the crap I took him through (this I understand and can live with...I was out of control). Although, I have met some of his family.

 

2. he HATES celebrating. he was home for someone's birthday and spent the entire time in his room. His entire family wonders where he came from b/c the thought of doing stuff w/more than one person at a time overwhelms him. He's just not social, and if I were there, he'd have to be. He and his family have told me that he's shy. Big time.

 

I think something you wrote that is still in my mind is about him being hurt when I said he should at least get to sleep with me for spending money on me. I never thought of it that way. In fact, I still have a hard time understanding how that could hurt HIM. I'm messed up alright.

 

Thank you for your holiday wishes. Same to you. I will be fine!

[Kiz]

Laurynn-

 

I like the *hugs*!

 

Again, I feel as if it's me talking. (See my latest post to Crystal).

 

I will email you a little later in the day.

 

Please note that I think I'm going to take you up on the idea of calling a local women's shelter. I need a support group (as evidenced by my reaching out to you guys).

 

You're right, the fear is not going away;but, even more troubling for me is that I'm becoming my abuser;I'm heaping scorn and pain onto my current SO and then trying to make it up to him with sex, gifts, etc.

 

I can't live like this anymore;but, I DO want to live, so don't think I'm ready to chuck it all! I didn't go thru everything I went thru to leave anytime soon.

 

Many thanks,

 

Kiz

[Laurynn]

Dear Kiz,

 

I look forward to your email!! Your comment about you feeling that you're becoming your abuser....dang can I relate to that, in a big way......just briefly, it's almost like we thrive on chaos and fights and if someone treats us good and doesn't get off on huge dramatic fights and confrontations, we question their love for us. I can honestly remember actually LOOKING for a fight....wanting a fight....it was almost as if things were too dull if there wasn't a lot of screaming and fighting going on. I once dated a guy who was very passive, who didn't like to fight...he'd just clam up when we had a disagreement and I actually admit that I tried my damndest to push his buttons.....I wanted a fight.....because if he fought back, in some silly way that meant to me that he really DID love me. A lot of abused women go through this......it's very natural, but it can definitely be detrimental to your relationship, and to yourself.

 

Write whenever you can, I'll be here girlfriend!

 

Laurynn :-)

[Crystal]

well that is exactly what i was trying to say all along!

 

you know about the drama thing? it's like life is so boring without some drama or something going on, and when you leave the relationship(s) it feels that something is always missing!

 

maybe that is what "is" missing, the drama, at least that is what i think since that seems to be what i always look for. my guy is pretty easy going, but when he gets angry i get scared, real scared, but if he hit me or something when he was angry then i probably wouldn't feel that fear, just the "normal" type drama feeling thing.

 

i don't know if that makes any sense or not either, i'm trying to type as fast as my mind is spinning out these thoughts but they get lost anyway then i'm stuck here trying to fill in the pieces of what i was just thinking then it don't seem to come out right.

 

i do agree with what you said though, i guess all three of us have this in common and healing is so hard to do, takes so long, then you never really seem to trust your self if you are healing because it just seems impossible and it seems we get i n our own way as wel.

 

good luck to both of you and have a nice holiday season.

Dear Kiz, I look forward to your email!! Your comment about you feeling that you're becoming your abuser....dang can I relate to that, in a big way......just briefly, it's almost like we thrive on chaos and fights and if someone treats us good and doesn't get off on huge dramatic fights and confrontations, we question their love for us. I can honestly remember actually LOOKING for a fight....wanting a fight....it was almost as if things were too dull if there wasn't a lot of screaming and fighting going on. I once dated a guy who was very passive, who didn't like to fight...he'd just clam up when we had a disagreement and I actually admit that I tried my damndest to push his buttons.....I wanted a fight.....because if he fought back, in some silly way that meant to me that he really DID love me. A lot of abused women go through this......it's very natural, but it can definitely be detrimental to your relationship, and to yourself.

 

Write whenever you can, I'll be here girlfriend!

 

Laurynn :-)

[Laurynn]

Perhaps abused women mistake drama/chaos/confrontation with passion?

 

I used to date a guy who was horribly passive....to the point of when we'd have a disagreement about something, he'd give me the silent treatment. That absolutely drove me right up the wall. The silence was deafening. I'd do or say anything I could to 'get a rise out of him'.....whether that meant screaming, stomping around, slamming doors, yelling at him, calling him names. At times it was like I was a monster, and I was aware of this, and it bothered me, made me feel ashamed but somehow I guess I just didn't feel "alive" any other way.

 

Abusers just have no idea how their words and actions impact us for many years to come (well, as IF they'd care). I think a lot of it is that they distort our perceptions of love (giving and receiving).

 

I used to be a carefree person....so trusting (maybe naive?)....now I'm cynical, sometimes skeptical, very analytical. I'll admit, I have a real fear of abandonment..which I've been aware of for many years. But now instead of being clingy and needing constant reassurance, it's almost like I push guys away.......or I look for a reason to write them off. Self preservation, I suppose.

 

I have a really really really hard time trusting. It seems like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I'm sure you and Kiz can relate to this. I think I'm much better now at hiding this......but even the guy I'm with now, he's noticed this and commented on it. I've made comments to the affect of, "well you can leave if you want".....these comments are made in a joking manner but I'm pretty serious......it's like I'm trying to give him an 'easy way out'......cuz I wonder why he chose me to begin with....and how long will it take for the 'honeymoon phase' to wear off and him to change into the same kind of guy I've always ended up with....how long will it take for him to start lying, start cheating, disrespecting me.

 

This is all something I have to work very hard at, each day. I try to come across as very non-chalant and unaffected but if he (or any other guy I've dated/?will date) knew this, he'd probably head for the hills.

 

Well now I'm rambling lol

 

Crystal, I hope you have a great Christmas/New Year's, too.....you really DO deserve it :-)

 

hugs,

 

Laurynn

[Crystal]

funny you should sat that about passive guy's. i think your on to something there too. i think also that another good point you make is chaos=passion. you may be on to something there too. my past boyfriends use to be agressively sexual, it turned me on of course, but only to a point when i wanted it as well, but if i didn't want it and they persued in the same agressive manner i felt violated.

 

my current guy is just the opposite! so weird! i mean he is not agressive one bit! i wish he was to a point cause i find it exciting, some agression, but nothing mean and brutal. is that sick, i hope not?

 

i know alot of women who like a man to be agressive so i don't think it is weird.

 

it has taken me a long time to get use to his way of making love. he actually turns towards me and starts kissing me, not just grabbing my body parts, ya know?

 

that is sweet to me now, and for a long time i have not craved the agressiveness, but talking about it now, hmmmm......

 

anyway, sounds like you have alot of work to do as does kiz and myself as well. the other issue, trust, is something that i know many people have a hard time with without having been abused or anything.

 

it has taken me years to learn to trust my guy and it would only take one second to shatter it all, that is how fragile it is still.

 

maybe we never fully recover from these issues to a full point but maybe to a small point is a milestone for us.

 

like i said when we live in the past or in fear of our past abusers we are giving them power, we have to take back the power what is right fully ours that they stole from us.

 

something i thought about while reading your post about telling him he can leave anytime, is maybe besides wanting to give him a way out, you also are protecting yourself by saying that so when and if he did leave you can say "see i new he would", does that make sense?

 

it is possible that he wont start lying, cheating etc, he may be "the one" but if you push him away enough times you may never find out. hopefully he will see through your distrust and fear and want to work with you on this, hopefully he can see through all the things you say and see the good in you and help you overcome this as my guy has done, but i know just how far and how hard i can push him before he blows his top and yells at me, and i know i deserve it, so i think it is one of those sabotaging things i do like you and kiz.

 

well gotta go make dinner for the guy of my dreams, hah! but i do love him and i respect him alot and i've put his through so much that it's a wonder he stays with me, but deep inside me, i know i deserve love, i know i deserve to be happy, i deserve alot of things that i feel i don't deserve, but that little voice in side insists that i stick with it and not leave him when i think he is at his worst only to find out it is my worst as well, and he has not abandonded me at my worst so how can i at his?

 

take care, happy holidays to you and yours.

 

Perhaps abused women mistake drama/chaos/confrontation

with passion? I used to date a guy who was horribly passive....to the point of when we'd have a disagreement about something, he'd give me the silent treatment. That absolutely drove me right up the wall. The silence was deafening. I'd do or say anything I could to 'get a rise out of him'.....whether that meant screaming, stomping around, slamming doors, yelling at him, calling him names. At times it was like I was a monster, and I was aware of this, and it bothered me, made me feel ashamed but somehow I guess I just didn't feel "alive" any other way. Abusers just have no idea how their words and actions impact us for many years to come (well, as IF they'd care). I think a lot of it is that they distort our perceptions of love (giving and receiving). I used to be a carefree person....so trusting (maybe naive?)....now I'm cynical, sometimes skeptical, very analytical. I'll admit, I have a real fear of abandonment..which I've been aware of for many years. But now instead of being clingy and needing constant reassurance, it's almost like I push guys away.......or I look for a reason to write them off. Self preservation, I suppose. I have a really really really hard time trusting. It seems like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I'm sure you and Kiz can relate to this. I think I'm much better now at hiding this......but even the guy I'm with now, he's noticed this and commented on it. I've made comments to the affect of, "well you can leave if you want".....these comments are made in a joking manner but I'm pretty serious......it's like I'm trying to give him an 'easy way out'......cuz I wonder why he chose me to begin with....and how long will it take for the 'honeymoon phase' to wear off and him to change into the same kind of guy I've always ended up with....how long will it take for him to start lying, start cheating, disrespecting me. This is all something I have to work very hard at, each day. I try to come across as very non-chalant and unaffected but if he (or any other guy I've dated/?will date) knew this, he'd probably head for the hills. Well now I'm rambling lol Crystal, I hope you have a great Christmas/New Year's, too.....you really DO deserve it :-) hugs, Laurynn

[Kiz]

I'm going to read everything you two ever post to this site!

 

It's like I'M POSTING THE COMMENTS.

 

I do think that abused women begin to self-protect and unconsciously sabotage (future) relationships.

 

I'll sometimes suggest things to do with my current SO and he'll say things like, "maybe next year, when such and such is a good time to go". It drove me crazy.

 

This week-end, when I took him through the wringer (sp?)yet again, I finally yelled at him that it was easy for him to think of the future, b/c he knew I "loved" him;but, I had to protect myself and couldn't even afford to think of anything beyond the moment. The sad part is that I may love him, but I don't love myself.

 

I called him at his home today and was basically tring to see if we were still a couple. He told me it depended on me. He wants to stay with me, but he wants an end to the chaos (pun intended). He wants me to be proud of myself and to stop buying into the crap my ex was trying to sell me.

 

I finally realized that just b/c he's "passive" doesn't mean he doesn't want me. He just wants me to believe more in myself.

 

He wants me to stop taking him through these weekly dramas (just like Laurynn described in her chaos=passion post) and simply be happy.

 

I start group therapy with other victims of abuse in a week or so. That, along with individual counseling and I'm determined not to lose someone very important in my life: ME! Hopefully, I can hang on to my SO as well.

 

Anyway, I am glad I heard from all of you on this site. It's helped me put things in perspective.

 

I think that instead of "popping" in when I'm in need, I'll check you guys out on a regular basis.

 

You two, Ed, and Tony seem to be full of good advice.

 

Keep up the good work and happy holidays to all!

 

Kiz.