Kathleen2260 Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 [sIZE=2]My bf had what I call ½ of an EA with a long ago ex of his who is married. I call it half of an EA because she was not interested. I think she liked the attention he gave her but she didn’t’ want more because she already had two f*ck buddies and her husband. Over a year ago, They became close friends again (behind my back) and he swore that they were "just friends" even though I had many suspicions because I kept catching him in lies. He would deny that he’d seen her or talked to her and then a few weeks later he would slip and it would come out that he actually had seen and talked to her. But I had NO proof that it was anything but platonic. My bf is a volunteer fireman and he has training twice a week. I used to meet him after these training for almost 3 years and we would hang out with his friends there. Well his buddies started teasing him that I was there "to keep an eye on him" as it’s a place they hang out to get away from their wives so last year for a few months I stopped hanging out with him there so he could be with his friends. Well it turns out that this is where his married ex and him would hang out. He told his friends that he and I were having problems and that is why I wasn’t coming with him to the firestation anymore. This wasn’t true. I would just have a girls night out with my friends on the nights that he had trainings. The ex suddenly started having an affair with my bf’s close friend at the fire department (and is still married) and to this day she is continuing the affair with his friend and her marriage to her husband. My bf hasn’t spoken to her since she started seeing his friend. He always said he was not mad at either because he and the ex were just friends but I sensed otherwise. This EA happened in April-June 2005 I do believe, but I only found out about it in April of THIS YEAR. So I’ve only known about for 3 months so its still a new pain for me. I discovered proof when I found an old note that he had written the ex talking about how he couldn’t stop thinking about her and how he loved her smile (he used to say that about ME). I confronted him with the note (a rough draft of one he actually gave her) and he told me that for a short time he did have feelings for her and that nothing physical happened. That basically he told her how he felt and she started pulling away from him and rejected him (although he won’t admit this part but it is obvious to everyone else) and then immediately after that she started the affair with his friend. When I found all this out all of the puzzle pieces fell into place, all of my suspicions were confirmed, and I thought back to the situations a year ago and everything made sense. My bf has appologized and has stated he will never have contact with the ex again. So far he hasn’t (in about a year) but I just found out about the EA 3 months ago so while to my bf it is WAY in the past (over a year ago) to me it is a fresh betrayal. I am struggling to trust him. The problem is that I keep picking at the wound. I keep grilling him about these things that happened a year ago and he tries to answer my questions and for example today was the ex’s day off work and I don’t even know how it came up but I asked my bf if she had ever stopped at our house last year on her day off while I was at work. He told me that yes she had, twice, once with her husband and once alone. I immediately felt like someone had punched me in the stomach , as if I were going to be sick. Because he NEVER told me that she had ever been to our house by herself. He did tell me last year that she and her husband had stopped. But I had NO idea that she stopped at OUR house and that they were alone together. He said that he was working outside and that the ex just happened to drive by (yeah right, it was planned) and she stopped and talked for about ten minutes. He swears that he told me this on the very day it happened. And it did happen over a year ago so I can see where I could forget something that long ago but trust me I would have remembered if he had told me she stopped at our house because I was so upset about the situation back then!. My bf truly believes that he told me this but I know he did not. I also found that the ex has never told her husband that my bf and she used to be a couple. (they dated about ten years ago and again briefly about 8 years ago- they were probably together for about a year in total). The ex told my bf that she didn’t want to tell her husbadn that they’d dated because then her husbadn wouldn’t let her talk to my bf. I didn’t know this eihter. My bf always told me that her husband knew they were friends and had no problem with it. I feel like going to her husband and telling him that info as well as about all the guys she is screwing behind his back (he’s a truck driver and not home a lot) but it’s not my place. I guess my problem is how does one get over this? It seems like I just wish I had all the info to digest at once because its so hard to learn new things and have to go thru that weird feeling of shock and then numbness and anger all over again. Also now every time my bf goes to training at the fire station I get very anxious. He does invite me there after training is over like he used to but this is the same place that he used to hang out with the ex all the time behind my back so every single week on these days I just get so mad and anxious thinking she might show up there. I don’t think he would talk to her but I know she would probably say hi to him and ask how he is doing. And the thought of him havign any contact with her- the person he wanted to be with and lied to me about just makes me sick. He knows he can never be friends with her again. But I need some type of closure (I’ve considered breaking up with him, but if I don’t find closure with this situation, I’m just going to drag all of that baggage into my next relationship) We are attending counseling (once so far) but I can’t find a way to let go. Should I ask him to quit his hobby (the fire station) since him being in that atmosphere makes me so anxious? Should I ask him to write the ex a letter saying they will never be friends or have any contact? The thing is while I think she has lousy morals(for what she is doing to her husband- why get married if you are going to sleep with 5 other guys at the same time?) I’m not mad at HER. In my eyes she didn’t do anything wrong in the EA situation. She didn’t encourage my bf. She was just being friendly and probably flirting a little. She didn’t’ suggest anything and she didn’t pursue HIM. He was the one who went after her so he’s the one totally in the wrong in my eyes. AHH! I just don’t know what to do. It’s like every time the wound starts to heal and I start to think I’ll be ok, something comes up that just rips that band aid off and the cut just gets deeper and starts bleeding again. [/sIZE]
veronese Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Hi Kathleen, I can't write anything much at the moment but wanted to let you know you have my sympathies going through this with your bf. I've been through the fun and joys of discovering my H was having EAs with 3 other women, it came like a bolt from the blue. My story is on: loveshack.org/forums/t43106 if you've got a spare half an hour. You can recover after an EA, sort of. The pain does diminish, eventually. But it's a bumpy ride. My H had selective memory like yours too. He forgot to tell me he was seeing these women but reckoned he told me he'd seen one of them in passing traffic (and yes, I would have definitely remembered had he actually said that). I'm sorry you're feeling so low K. Will try to write more soon Hugs Veronese x
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