Was I Dating a Commitment Phobe??

[GW7147]

My ex dumped me about 3 months ago and I found LS and began the healing process. I went through the whole array of emotions and beat myself up for a period of time trying to figure out what happened to our "perfect relationship". We were together for 6 months, things couldn't be better and I thought, she could very well be "The One". After coming home from a vacation to Cancun, she told me she Really loved me as she grabbed my arm and looked into my eyes. Four days later, I was being told, she needed to "fix herself" and deal with her pending divorce. She dropped our relationship like a hot coal. I was dumbfounded. For the next fews weeks, I would rack my brain trying to figure out what went wrong and how I messed up the relationship, eventhough, she told me I was the best thing to ever happen to her. (I no longer blame myself for the break-up).

Her story: She was married 15 years, 2 children-12 and 15. She caught her husband cheating on her with men and women alike. He would have prostitutes over the house when she was at work...A real mess for her. A month after seperating, she started dating a guy. About a month into their relationship, she planned to marry him, sell her house and buy one with him. Five months later, the relationship was over. Two months later, met me. Talked of marriage a month into the relationship. Six months later, walked away. A month after we broke up, met somebody else and a month later started talking marriage with him. Could somebody become a CP "overnight". I couldn't understood how she never dealt with the break-up of her marriage. She always said she was fine and seemed almost unaffected by the marriage ending. I knew she had to be harboring some pretty intense emotions etc..but she always seemed strong. As I read bits and pieces of threads regarding CP's I began to think my ex fit the mold but wasn't sure if she became one due to the break-up of her marriage. It's obvious she in a vicious cycle and I don't see how she could ever have a healthy relationship until she confronts her issues with her marriage ending. She's still waiting for her divorce to be finalized. I had a tough time dealing with our 6 month relationship ending and didn't buy the theory that she was O.K. after her 15 year marriage ended the way it did. I was just looking for any thoughts about her becoming a CP immediately after her marriage crumbled. Is there more to it than that? Thanks my friends!!

GW

By the way, I'm doing pretty well now and I'm really having a great summer and hanging with some great friends etc...

[Diver012]

It sounds like the pattern. She throws herself deep into a relationship very early. Then after 6 months or so its over, very suddenly and quickly.

 

It sounds like this woman has suffered from severe emotional trauma as a result of some prick ex-husband. I would thank your lucky stars you got out after 6 months and didnt end up at the alter with this woman.

 

I truely do feel sorry for her, and feel for what pain she caused you. Lay most of the blame on this jerk Ex-husband, and some of course belongs to her for how shes handling it.

[GW7147]

Thanks Diver,

Yeah, her soon to ex is a freak and I do feel sorry for her now (to an extent). It's not always easy to identify what's troubling us but, I think she knew what she was doing when she dove in feet first with me (and the others for that matter) told me everything under the sun such as how wonderful I made her feel and how she was looking forward to spending the rest of her life with me and then, she pulled the rug out from under me. She must have had some idea what she was doing. Of course, she tried to find fault with me and began criticizing me for rediculous things. I didn't understand it at the time. I sat back thinking I did something wrong or was an undesireable person to be around. I wonder if she can see what she's doing and how she's making others feel? I would think this cycle will continue until she resolves the issues she has within herself. I guess time will tell if she puts her current guy through the ringer as well. Of course, I have no intentions of ever getting back with her. I'd rather stick needles in my eye. It's a real shame things turned out the way they did but, I'm begining to realize, it wasn't me that sabotaged our relationship. I know she's been seeing a therapist for some time (even before her divorce). I would imagine her therapist sees what's happening. I recall my ex telling her therapist that her relationship with me was different and she is serious about being with me etc...I hope one day, she'll be able to straighten herself out and have a normal, healthy relationship. I still think it's somewhat odd that somebody could fall into such a state immediately after a seperation, only a month later.

Regards, GW

[norajane]

I still think it's somewhat odd that somebody could fall into such a state immediately after a seperation, only a month later.

Regards, GW

 

Some women can't imagine themselves without a man in their lives for even one month...they've always been that way and it's all they've known. They go from one man to another, and sometimes blend relationships...they find the new guy and then once that gets going, they leave the old guy.

[serial muse]

I wouldn't go so far as to label the woman. Skittish and fearful due to her past? Damn straight. A classic commitmentphobe? Of course not. She was married for 15 years. She doesn't have an internal panic button at the mere idea of commitment with someone. She just hasn't healed yet, and no wonder - it doesn't sound like it's been very long.

 

15 years is a long time - and after a period like that of sharing your world with someone, it's also a long time, by the way, before you get used to "being alone" again. That doesn't happen overnight, either. It's not at all the same thing as being a serial monogamist - we don't know anything about who she is, aside from someone who was married to a real *****, or whether, pre-marriage, she needed a man around all the time. At the moment, she is just obviously still reeling from the incredible amount of baggage attached to all the crap he pulled. Can you imagine? Ugh.

 

Bottom line: she's not a commitmentphobe, she's just had her world rocked and is pretty screwed up now. She should be in therapy, not getting married - clearly, she needs to do a lot of work, and not drag other unsuspecting people into her drama. I mean, I think you're well out of it, absolutely, but I don't think it's necessary to go around labeling someone with easy names when her situation is anything but.

[GW7147]

Hi Serial,

After reading some threads, I began to wonder if my ex was a CP or not. I simply wasn't sure. She's been in therapy for a few years now. I know she suffers from anxiety and is on meds for it. As far as her past, her soon to be ex is a Captain of a commercial container ship. He's away for 4-5 months at a clip. So, she's been on "her own" quite a bit during her entire marriage. I understand and mentioned in my original post that after she dumped me after only 6 months, I was certainly affected by it. I can't imagine being married 15 years and having something happen as it did to her and then being O.K. with it. She and I use to talk and she was very open about his indiscretions. She claimed she didn't love him anymore and was O.K. with the circumstances. I had a difficult time believing that. I would imagine she's got alot of emotions built up inside of her and she hides it pretty well, at least at first. I began to believe she may have been a CP just by her erratic behavior and claiming she was head over heels in love and 3 days later, she was running away from the relationship. She and I never had any problems in our relationship. We got along great, I always did whatever possible to help her around the house, with the kids etc...Two weeks before she broke up with me, she was thanking her friend for introducing us and she told one of my frinds that I was "a catch" and she's so lucky to have me. I just think that's a pretty quick turnaround. Especially, since there was never any issues between us. So, yes, I agree. She does have a lot of issues she needs to contend with and I feel she will never be able to have a healthy relationship until she does. I honestly don't believe she'll marry her new man (she doesn't have a ring etc...she's just telling everybody she's getting married). You must admit, everybody she's met since her seperation, she was talking marriage after dating them for 4 weeks. the first guy, me and her new man. So far, her relationships have mirrored each other. In essence, I wasn't sure if she was a CP or not. That's why I posted the thread, I wanted some insight from fellow LSers.

Regards,

GW

[bendit]

tip for love shackers: don' t mess with SOON to be divorced folks. ;-) let them get divorced then mess with em! If they can't wait Red Flag flies high! All kinds of problems issues and details come up and complicate a relationship with somene who REALLY isn't available yet. Please LS copers resist! This comes from hard won EXPERIENCE.

 

regards

[riobikini]

Amen, Bendit.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[bendit]

The term commitment phobe is thrown out around here quite a lot. CP can cover mucho territory. They can be troubled. They can be personality disordered. They can be restless. They can be experimental. They can be dishonest and uncommunicative. They can even be us. ;-)

 

Its easy to put this label on folks after the break up. But usually there are plenty of signs indicating that all is not right. And these are signs that WE choose to ignore, mostly because we are finally "getting" some, and that SOME is sometimes few and far between for many of us.

 

So we ignore the red flags waving in front of our face. When we get into a relationship we have to be ruthlessly analytical. I know that doesn't sound romantic, but this is about forever potentially, so its worth doing.

 

We have to be sure we find a PRIZE and not just someone who will sleep with us. Make sure she / he is a prize. But more importantly make sure you BECOME a prize yourself so that you can offer a great person something worth having.

 

This will make your value in the dating marketplace rise and allow you to make better choices from a larger supply of healthier people.

 

When we end up with a MESS, we can curse the day we met them. But put the focus back on you and ask yourself what David Byrne of Talking Heads asked himself in a clever song from back in the day: "HOW DID I GET HERE?"

 

It likely has something to do with an almost unidentifiable form of selfishness that arises from within you.

 

regards

[GW7147]

Bendit,

Thanks for your input. I'm not quite sure if some of the information you posted was geared directly at my circumstances or if you were generalizing. I understand the point you make about staying away from "soon to be divorced" people. When I met my ex she had been seperated for 7 months. Not that that means she was healed but when we met, I had some skepticism. I'll be honest, I was attracted to her, the moment I laid eyes on her. I addressed the issue of her going through her dovorce and made it known that if she wasn't ready and needed to take time to take care of herself, that's what she needed to do. She repeatedly told me she was doing well and was coping with the circumstances just fine. Yes, she put up a good front and never gave ANY indication that things were troubling her. Hindsight is 20/20, I know.

I NEVER labeled anybody in my thread, I simply asked for some insight to see IF my ex could possibly have the traits of a CP. I never made a statement that she was one.

You mention ignoring signs in the relationship. Had there been signs, I would have addressed them. The fact of the matter is, there were none, the entire time we were together. Everything was absolutely fine. We returned from a trip to Cancun, spent Easter together and I received a card from her saying she was looking forward to all of future times together and her life had been absolutely blissful since she met me. Two days later, she walked.

Another thing you mention is ignoring the signs due to finally "getting some". I'm 41 years old and I never viewed my ex as a cheap piece of a$$ that I could go to, to "get some". I truly cared about her and thought we had a wonderful relationship. There were no Red Flags to speak of whatsoever until the day she walked away.

My feelings for her were sincere and genuine and there was nothing that remotely resembled an unidentifiable form of selfishness involved. She reciprocated feelings for me that I believed were genuine. Even her friends told me, they had no idea what my ex was doing. They could not understand what happened and as much as they saw the two of us together, they thought things were fantastic. I understand she has some unresolved issues however, at the time, when asked about her pending divorce, she told me time and time again that she is doing fine and if she ever needed to talk she knew she could turn to me and her therapist for help. The reason I was curious about the traits of CP's was because, #1, I didn't know much about it and was trying to learn more in order to gain some insight and #2, because, she's repeating the same pattern for the third time now and I realize her circumstances with me was not an isolated incident. Thanks again for your input.

Regards, GW

[bendit]

>>A month after seperating, she started dating a guy. About a month into their relationship, she planned to marry him, sell her house and buy one with him. Five months later, the relationship was over. Two months later, met me. Talked of marriage a month into the relationship. Six months later, walked away. A month after we broke up, met somebody else and a month later started talking marriage with him.>>

 

GW, the first post of mine was directed at you. The second was a generally directed post for all because it has implications for all.

 

GW, I didn't know much about your story so I went back and checked it out. Unfortunately, there were MANY red flags. They can be summed up in the excerpt from your post above.

 

Everything was NOT perfect. And this ending should not be the big surprise and shock you think it is.

 

Btw, I said the selfishness was almost UNIDENTIFIABLE, which means you have to think about it to find it. You will need more than a few hours to think about why I said this. Think about what you DESIRED in a relationship and how you found it, albeit temporarily with her.

 

Now, the first red flag was her History. Nobody knows anybody well enough to marry after a month. She did this with MAN #1 and it blew up. And she did it with YOU and it blew up. This woman was not even divorced yet.

 

The first problem with this relationship is you moved way too fast. You got too close too quick. You didn't know her well enough to give your heart to her. Welcome to da club. You gave your heart to a woman you did not know.

 

She IDEALIZED you. That is therapist speak for putting you up on a pedestal. This is what happened to me. In fact there are many similarities between my story and yours.

 

She turned you into something you could never in a million years live up to, THE PERFECT MAN. She put you way up there and it felt like BUTTAH.

 

Lets look at more evidence. She said she "REALLY" loved you. She said it in a way that you could Never doubt her love. But those were just words. Just Empty words used to make sure you were "hooked" on her.

 

She is an actress. She was playing a role. You were a part of her drama "creation", a character in the passion play. It was fun. It was a fling. It was whirlwind. It was exciting. It was sexual, and sexual very early, too early, as it was with Man #1 and man #3.

 

Meanwhile this woman had been married 15 years. You were right to wonder if she was through mourning her marriage ending. Most folks would need time to mourn. However, she is NOT most folks.

 

This was exactly the right inquiry. She said she was OK because she likely was never INVESTED in her marriage. She is shallow. See my post about relationship jumpers.

 

There are two sides to every story and you heard HER side. You did not hear his story I suspect.

 

So GW, there were red flags aplenty. They were there then and they are there now, to be contemplated about and learned from.

 

You met a person who could not be intimate with you. She can create a role quickly, where she plays the part of someone who can be intimate, but she is acting. She learned what you desired most in a mate and reflected it back to you, making you believe you had found the "perfect" woman. But she is far from perfect.

 

Consider yourself lucky that she got bored with this drama and moved on. You should too; and never look back.

 

Like many of us, you got sandbagged by a consummate playah. And it feels awful. No woman who TRULY loved you would do this to you. No woman who really loved you would tell you she loved you, and make you believe it in your BONES, then dump you for no reason DAYS later.

 

It was all an act, a command performance. She is phony. She is damaged goods. She is NO prize for any man. And you should forget about a woman who would play you like this. She is awful. And someday you will realize this.

 

regards

[GW7147]

Well said Bendit,

I guess my biggest hang up was the why? part of the relationship ending. To be honest, I was really troubled and felt as if I was in limbo for a couple of months. After, I learned she was dating somebody else and talking marriage, I felt as if I was given the confirmation I needed to move on and realize she's a mess. For the past month I've been feeling pretty good. Of course, I still come to LS to see whats' up. I recently read a post on CP's and began to wonder. That's what prompted my post. More out of curiosity than anything else. I still have minor setbacks once in awhile but nothing too crazy. I do realize I dodged a bullet and she's something I no longer have to content with. I'm actually having a great summer and have really been enjoying time with friends etc..

Thanks for you your insight. Your last post was a homerun!!

Best Regards,

GW

[bendit]

gw what you are feeling is perfectly normal for someone who went through what you did. Perfectly normal. You didn't get closure. You never will. You were a victim of hit and run. Your closure will come from moving on and learning from this and creating a great new life that will never again include people like her. You have to be careful, as we all do, about moving too fast. You will be fine. What you feel is 100% normal. Keep up the NC and have a great rest of the summer.

 

regards

[Diver012]

I look back on my relationship, with my Ex and, well lets just say there were no Red flags, more like a red hammer that was hitting me in the head, only I wasnt paying attention. While we are in these relationships, sometimes we see and hear what we want to....

 

When her sister tells me, yeah she has a fear of commitment

I hear, yeah but she loves me, she must be commited.

 

When SHE tells me she has a fear of commitment, but shes handling it

I hear, Thats my girl, shes dealing with it ok

 

When she tells me how she would start dissapearing from her old boyfriends.. for example: hiding in the house when they could come over

I hear, why would she hide from me, she loves me.

 

When she told me about the guy she dated for a year, then proposed to her, so she dumped him

I think Hey, it just didnt work out

 

The patterns of a commitment phobic person are usually the same, they can take months to years to play out. Each one of these examples seperately doesnt mean much. Together they form a pattern of behavior. This pattern isnt anything new, my ex has been divorced for years. She is STILL carrying around this baggage, and does not see a tharapist, that I know of atleast... and I honetly do hope one day she figures it out and finds someone to spend the rest of her life with.

[GW7147]

Thanks again Bendit!

Diver,

I'm sorry to hear you had to endure the emotional rollercoaster of your ex. I think it stinks that people can reak havoc on others and leave a path of destruction behind them. In the meantime, we have to clean up the pieces of our lives and try and move ahead. Hopefully, you've been able to find some closure and you're moving on. I recall, it being real difficult to deal with but, things have been so much better for me over the past month. As a matter of fact, I went out with a large group of friends last night. I saw somebody that worked at a restaurant that my ex and I use to frequent. She was always real nice and I obviously have nothing against her. I didn't notice her at first but one of the girls in my group came up to me and said "why does she keep staring at you?" I told her that she knows my ex etc...It really didn't phase me whatsoever. She later walked up to me and said hello and asked how I was doing. I said I was well. She gave me a big hug and told me I should stop into the restaurant Saturday night. I said, I'd see if I could make it in. Of course, I have no intentions as my ex has been going in with her new man. Don't feel like dealing with that. I'd just as soon stay away for now. I've gotten to the point where, it dosn't matter. I made no mention of my ex at all.

I hope you've been able to move ahead and began to put the toxic relationship you had with your ex behind you. I'll be around and continue to watch and see how your doing Diver.

All the best. Take Care!

GW

[Diver012]

Thanks again Bendit!

Diver,

I'm sorry to hear you had to endure the emotional rollercoaster of your ex. I think it stinks that people can reak havoc on others and leave a path of destruction behind them. In the meantime, we have to clean up the pieces of our lives and try and move ahead. Hopefully, you've been able to find some closure and you're moving on. I recall, it being real difficult to deal with but, things have been so much better for me over the past month. As a matter of fact, I went out with a large group of friends last night. I saw somebody that worked at a restaurant that my ex and I use to frequent. She was always real nice and I obviously have nothing against her. I didn't notice her at first but one of the girls in my group came up to me and said "why does she keep staring at you?" I told her that she knows my ex etc...It really didn't phase me whatsoever. She later walked up to me and said hello and asked how I was doing. I said I was well. She gave me a big hug and told me I should stop into the restaurant Saturday night. I said, I'd see if I could make it in. Of course, I have no intentions as my ex has been going in with her new man. Don't feel like dealing with that. I'd just as soon stay away for now. I've gotten to the point where, it dosn't matter. I made no mention of my ex at all.

I hope you've been able to move ahead and began to put the toxic relationship you had with your ex behind you. I'll be around and continue to watch and see how your doing Diver.

All the best. Take Care!

GW

 

Thanks. Sounds like you and I are dealing with things in the same manner. The only real difference is that I work with my Ex. Not a good situation. Now I dont see her at work hardly at all. She works in a completely different area than I do, but I do know that its causing me a problem at work. See, the problem is that apparently we were an "ITEM" at work. When we first started going out, everyone on property thought the match was a perfect fit. Towards the end, people were referring to us as Husband and Wife...

 

When we split up, everyone said... OHH you just needed a break. Yeah, well I quickly explained that what happened was sudden and absolute. The immediate reaction of management was, someone has got to go... that person would be me. I dont know if they still feel the same, at this point im assuming the worse, but I think im going to find out in the next week or so what their intentions are. I spoke to my Real Estate agent yesterday and I will be talking with her again today about putting my house up for sale. Im am not going to be left standing here holding the bag. I came here to build a life, If I cant do that here, then Ill go somewhere else.

 

Ive been praying about this situation for months, and I think its about to come to a head. Ill keep yall up to date if anything happens.

[AriaIncognito]

GW I dont mean to hijack the thread but i wanna reply to divers last post. Man, I'm so sorry that you're feeling things in other areas besides the relationship department. I myself would have a hard time dealing with that much change at one time, so kudos to you for whatever you're doing. To change your job/home/personal life all at once, well, could be hell, but then again it could become the best thing you've ever done for yourself. :-) Good luck to you, and good for you that you're trying to take matters into your own hands, before it's decided for you. However, I thnik if you could prove it, you'd have a lawsuit on your hands if you job let you go due to a breakup?? lol Seems like a wrongful termination thing to me...

 

Jennifer

[GW7147]

No Problem Aria,

I glad you joined in. I agree with you by the way. It would seem wrong for an employer to let someone go for the reasons Diver listed. I give Diver a ton of credit for being so strong with his situation. I lucked out on a couple of occasions when I broke up with other GF's. I ended up relocating to a different state. This time, I'm not going anywhere, so it was a little more difficult. I've yet to run into my ex after 3 months and we live about 5 miles apart. I'm sure it will happen eventually. Hopefully, enough time will have passed and I'll be able to deal with it with little or no emotion. To have to work with an ex is tough. And then co-workers add more pressure by calling Diver and his ex "husband and wife". I'm sure it was done with no ill intentions but it still adds to the difficulties of the break-up. Seems Diver has all of his eggs in a row and he's coping real well. I'm not sure if it's easier to see an ex often after a break-up as opposed to not seeing them for a few months and then having to contend with running into them and having those feelings rush back in. Nonetheless, it seems Diver has a gameplan in place. Diver, just make sure you don't sell your house etc.. just to get away. Don't end up having regrets by leaving if you really don't want to.

Regards, GW

[Mollyanna]

We have to be sure we find a PRIZE and not just someone who will sleep with us. Make sure she / he is a prize. But more importantly make sure you BECOME a prize yourself so that you can offer a great person something worth having.

 

I am so glad you posted that. Thank You. I have been moping around this house for days feeling sorry for myself. I need to be making myself better, becoming that prize, not sitting here deteriorating away to nothing. Thanks for the motivation Bendit.