Thick Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Hi forum, I'm 35 married w/3 kids (2B-16 & 12 and 1G 6). I'm not in love with my wife. Haven't been for a long time now. Got married at 19 because it was the right thing to do having a son and all. Last year I met my dream woman had an affair that went on until she left the company we both worked for. She is married as well and it does not look as if she would be willing to leave her security to join me in miy insecurity. I am dealing with the fact that my "dream relationship" is not going to work. My wife says she loves me but I don't believe her. I think she'd bolt in a minute if she had a good offer. My professional life is suffering greatly because I'm finding it difficult to focus. I have always been the one friends came to for life advice. I was the one who made the good choices. I don't feel like I'm that guy anymore. I can't stop thinking about how unhappy I am with everything around me. Sheesh. Pain in the ass first post but I have to tell somebody.
amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I can't stop thinking about how unhappy I am with everything around me. I can't help but think it's because you're unhappy. I think you need counseling ASAP. It doesn't matter if you're the guy they use to come to for advice. Life happens...things change. Now it seems like you have to do what you have to do. Seek advice from someone else. A Pro, IMO.
amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Dear Thick, I apologize. I was rather abrupt and it's bugging me. First off, welcome to LS. I hope you find what you're looking for. I didn't mean to scare you off, and if I did, I'm sorry. It's just your life is one big mess right now, and I took the easy way out. You deserve a little more thought and compassion right about now. I'm guessing it was hard for you to admit what you did, but at least you are owning up to your mistakes. Try to focus on the positive right now. Had you not married your wife, in all probability you wouldn't have your 12 year old or your daughter. Wasn't it worth it? You seem like a smart guy. You recognize where you went wrong. Now the important thing is to work towards fixing it. If you are as good at giving advice as you claim, surely you can see a way out of this negative thinking, right? Looking to someone else to make you happy isn't going to work. So what if your GF is still with her husband? I think you knew it was going to be a chance you were taking when you took it, right? So what you thought might happen did happen. You can't change it. You can only learn from it. Maybe the thing you need to do most is wrap your arms around your family and let them know how much you appreciate them. Be grateful to them for allowing you to mess up and for their unconditional love they provide you with. Be glad you have a job to go to. And are able to do the work required of you in your profession. Be thankful your wife doesn't know about your affair. That would be devastating to the woman who loves you and bore your children. Focus on what's right with your life, instead of what's wrong. A lot of guys would consider themselves lucky to be with a woman who loves them and to have a family to come home to. Nobody's perfect, we all make mistakes. The trick is to not make the same mistake twice.
alphamale Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Dear Thick, I apologize. I was rather abrupt and it's bugging me. First off, welcome to LS. I hope you find what you're looking for. I didn't mean to scare you off, and if I did, I'm sorry. good job AMAYSNGRACE
amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 good job AMAYSNGRACE I know...what is WRONG with me???
Author Thick Posted July 28, 2006 Author Posted July 28, 2006 Thanks grace. I am struggling for sure. I know I need help because even after I go through all the twists and turns of my current situation, look at it from every angle. I can't come up with the advice I would give me if I were a good friend. Other than "get help". I am in love and it hurts. I am not in love and that hurts as I don't hate my wife and am not out to hurt anyone, pretty massive guilt. I want to be alone and at the same time I want to be with my lover.Can't happen. Trying hard to keep from falling into destructive patterns. The desire to get bombed is pretty great. I think I may be a good fit for some Prozac type of drug. BUt I'll let the Dr. tell me for sure. Thanks again. I will be making my appointment tomorrow.
amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I am struggling for sure. I know I need help because even after I go through all the twists and turns of my current situation, look at it from every angle. I can't come up with the advice I would give me if I were a good friend. Other than "get help". Yeah I guess it's easier to give advice than see what has to be done and do it. That's the beauty of not being emotionally involved, huh? There is a whole lot of good information on this website. Search 'infidelity' and see what you find. I took the liberty of digging up a couple of good ones for you to look at in the meantime: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t91758/?highlight=Infidelity http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92870/?highlight=Infidelity Good luck at getting an appointment tomorrow. And keep us posted, okay?
In Sync Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Hi forum, I'm 35 married w/3 kids (2B-16 & 12 and 1G 6). I'm not in love with my wife. Haven't been for a long time now. Got married at 19 because it was the right thing to do having a son and all. Last year I met my dream woman had an affair that went on until she left the company we both worked for. She is married as well and it does not look as if she would be willing to leave her security to join me in miy insecurity. I am dealing with the fact that my "dream relationship" is not going to work. My wife says she loves me but I don't believe her. I think she'd bolt in a minute if she had a good offer. My professional life is suffering greatly because I'm finding it difficult to focus. I have always been the one friends came to for life advice. I was the one who made the good choices. I don't feel like I'm that guy anymore. I can't stop thinking about how unhappy I am with everything around me. Sheesh. Pain in the ass first post but I have to tell somebody. Hey New One..Welcome! Sorry to read your plight. But you will receive many replies and they will be varied. So listen and take what you will...sometime advice is hard to swallow because it's going against what you want even though what you want may be leading you to a bottomless pit. There's no judgement here but I am going to say adamently...Cut the other woman out of your life in every shape way and form. You are never going to be happy by building a relationship on a heap of mess. She's married and is not leaving her home and you are married and have kids. Your head is confusing lust with love. Because you are dissatified at home an affair looks sweeter. And if it were meant to be...you would not be feeling this distressed. Things would be going smoothly like clockwork. But they are not. You're even willing to take Prozac? Uh..this should be a clear indication that this scenario is not good for you, much less your family and I mean your kids here. A fulfilling strong love that is meant to be is not going to spiral you down toward the point of needing to be medicated. Once this person is out of your life, the fog and confusion will start to lift. Yet THIS detoxing her out of your system is going to take TIME. A long time. It's possible you can't see your wife's love because your head is filled wih this other woman. Or if it's not possible to stay in a loveless maybe the marriage is meant to dissolve but take the other woman out the picture and then deal with your your marital issues. If your lover is not willng to be with you, then continuing with her in ANY way is going to keep you tied up into a knot. You can not begin to solve anything else until you severe ties.
loveinlife Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Nice post In Sync...very clear cut and smooth. Good answer!
Author Thick Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 Been a while since I posted. I had every intention of going to get some pro help. Due in part to the advice given above. The few days after my last post changed everything. Me, not trusting my wife put a simple free keylogger on her computer. She told me she was going out with some friends from work to a new place about 30 miles away. When she left I looked at the log and uncovered her reservation for a hotel room about 7 miles away. I called her on her cell to try and give her a way out of her lie by asking specifics about who and where and telling her that maybe I'd show up. She stayed with her story and told me this was planned as a girls night out. I went and sat in my car in the parking lot of the hotel until she walked out.....Nice...... She swears she was "just talking". Lie, I'm sure. I told her people don't get hotel rooms to talk. Next day. my 16 yr old son complains of abdominal pain. I have her bring him to the Dr. who sent him to the ER who admitted him. Long story shorter- My son has been diagnosed with cancer.2 types. non Hodgkin's lymphoma and acute leukemia. I am destroyed. My job is bad. 3 1/2 weeks I stayed in the ICU with my boy and 2 weeks once he was home I stayed close by. Add that to the fact that the new guard is has been systematically getting rid of my group (my lover from above being one who was driven away). Talk about falling apart. My son is now 7 weeks into about 47 weeks of chemo. He has lost 45+ pounds and his hair. Mine has been shaved as well. My old boss has moved on to another job and I am looking for one. I still don't get along with my wife and I think we both realize that the only reason we are together is for the kids. Screwed up. I don't even know why I came on this site after all that has happened. I am still in love and hurting. A big hole in me. Even bigger knowing that my wife likely feels the same way about loosing her other guy. I resent her even though I have no moral high ground to stand on. She does not know about my thing. I have been going to support groups. she does not feel she needs to. I have suggested marriage counseling she does not want to go and I only want to so it looks like I tried if this ever goes to court. Anyway. I don't expect any advice. Again I wouldn't even know where to begin. My friends feel bad for me and they don't even know the whole broken heart thing is happening on top of the scariest thing I have ever had to live through. My old boss was great during the hospital stages. Even came to visit and bring food. She has tried to motivate me to get focused at work. She finally came flat out and told me that I had to stop hoping that things could work. That it could not happen. I knew this but hearing it stings..and keeps on stinging. We still talk, but most days I feel worse after I hear from her. My son is responding to the chemo. His spirits are as good as you could expect. He is actually doing much better than me. Sorry for dumping.
In Sync Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 You are surviving the best way you can and that is commendable. My blessings go out to your son...for maintaining high spirits! BRAVO to him. I cannot urge you enough to pray. It doesn't matter what your spiritual background is but from this day forward Prayer and Faith are your strongest allies. You keep praying and things happen, You pray some more and things still keep happening and never let up...its almost like prayers clear the path and give you clarity in your heart mind and spirit. I personally feel it's that part of us that we neglect to do and yet its the one pathway to answers. When you are swimming in the midst confusion hurt and pain, it's a life preserver.
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