stillhere Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I've been with my MM for a year now, and i've become somewhat accustomed to our messed up relationship. Now i've run into a problem. Yesterday, at work, a gorgeous guy (whom i've been flirting with for the past 2 years) comes in, and asks me when we're going out for dinner. I told him to name the time and place and i'd be there. I was on the phone while we were talking, so he tried to hang around until i got off the phone, but he had to go, his truck was loaded and he was working as well. He came back in later, and i was busy once again. He said "see ya later" and i said "maybe in a year or what?" (his business doesn't do a lot of business with us, it's sporadic) and he said "maybe for business, but i'll be seeing you a lot sooner than that". Needless to say, i was excited! Now the battle begins! I'm absolutely in love with my MM, and he the same for me. How do i just turn around and walk away from the one man i really want to spend the rest of my life with, but can't? Haven't heard from the other guy yet, and i'm not keeping my hopes up too high, but i need to talk to my MM about this. I don't want to burn my bridges just yet (i somewhat depend on him financially right now, but that's not the reason i'm with him. All the money started about 6 months ago, and i was already in way over my head), but i need to let him know how i feel. He's not giving his life up for me, so i'm not passing up some stud who seems to be everything i'm looking for. He knows that, as i've already told him. But i've never had a really good opportunity jump out at me like this, so i never thought about the entire situation in depth before. My head says to go for this new guy, but my heart won't let go of my MM. How do i tell him? I don't want to lose him completely as a friend. I don't want him to walk out of my life as if what we shared never happened. I've never had to deal with a situation like this, and i'm at odds with myself. I would not subject the new guy to this. How can i just give up the one man i love more than anything. I've been depressed the last 2 days, crying over just the thought of having to tell him i need to be with someone else. Watching the pain in his eyes, watching his heart break as well. I'm not strong enough to do this right now, and i'm not sure i will ever be strong enough. How do i win this war?
Thick Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Sorry. Your MM does not have to be where he is right now. He could have chosen you. He can't expect your relationship to go on like it is forever right? I am a MM and just came to the realization that my love with a MW was not going to ever cause me anything but pain in the end. I'm not dealing well with it but at least I admit that the whole dynamic is screwed up. Don't deprive yourself the chance at happiness.
Joelle Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Truthfully, I think you're imagining too much right now. You don't have a date with the new guy yet, and you're upset about breaking-up with your MM. Don't do anything yet. When (or if) the new guy asks you out for a date, go as a friend. Take time to get to know him as a friend. IF there is potential for you two to have a serious relationship, THEN consider breaking-up with your MM.
norajane Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Truthfully, I think you're imagining too much right now. You don't have a date with the new guy yet, and you're upset about breaking-up with your MM. Don't do anything yet. When (or if) the new guy asks you out for a date, go as a friend. Take time to get to know him as a friend. IF there is potential for you two to have a serious relationship, THEN consider breaking-up with your MM. I disagree with this entirely, stillhere. Why should you drag an innocent person into your affair? If you were involved in a relationship with a man who wasn't married, would you go out with someone else before you had resolved your relationship with your boyfriend? It's not fair to the gentleman at work who believes you are single. I'm sure given the information, he would not want to date a woman who is already seeing someone else, regardless of whether the someone else is married or not. If you don't tell your date about your other relationship, then you are lying...much like MM do to OW. I'd end the affair, and THEN start dating. Your heart and mind is not available right now, and won't be until you end your affair with MM.
Author stillhere Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 Very much recent update..........talking to a friend (who is very much against my relationship with MM) has told me that she thinks the new guy is married as well! WTF!!! How do i get myself into these situations? Nope, i will NEVER EVER EVER date another MM. NEVER! I refuse to put myself through this kind of pain again. Next time i speak with new guy, that is the first thing i'm asking........are you married? Truthfully, I think you're imagining too much right now. You don't have a date with the new guy yet, and you're upset about breaking-up with your MM. Don't do anything yet. When (or if) the new guy asks you out for a date, go as a friend. Take time to get to know him as a friend. IF there is potential for you two to have a serious relationship, THEN consider breaking-up with your MM. You're right! I think way too far into situations, that is one of my downfalls, and apparently attracting MM's! But seriously, that was one thing i was thinking of doing, but i also didn't want to hurt the new guy either. Plus, how do i dodge the "i love you" in phone calls with MM when i'm with new guy. Don't want to put myself in a situation like that. I'm not a good liar!
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Why are you putting all this pressure on yourself???? You haven't gone out with this guy yet, you don't know what will happen...And, even if things do go well, you need time to be on your own before jumping into another relationship. Even if the one you're in now is with a MM. It's just not wise for your heart, or your mind - Or the new guy to get seriously involved. Take it slow... Also, your MM has NO right to put restrictions on you considering he's still with his wife. He may feel hurt and jealous, but hello!! He's married!
Author stillhere Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 Sorry. Your MM does not have to be where he is right now. He could have chosen you. He can't expect your relationship to go on like it is forever right? I am a MM and just came to the realization that my love with a MW was not going to ever cause me anything but pain in the end. I'm not dealing well with it but at least I admit that the whole dynamic is screwed up. Don't deprive yourself the chance at happiness. I'm not intentionally depriving myself of happiness. I want to be happy, and i've told my MM this. The happiness i need and crave is something he is unwilling to give or provide. I didn't go into this completely blind, we were only supposed to be FWB, but it went way too far for both of us. He told me from the beginning, and still to this day, that he was not going to leave her. I am upset because i'm in such a routine with him. He's like smoking! Which i have a hard time "wanting" to give up. I smoke after i eat, when i'm in a vehicle, when i'm bored. I talk to him about 5-10 times a day on the phone. I have certain times when i can call him, and when he calls me. If i were to quit smoking, all the above would set me back, because i'm so used to smoking at those times, that i would be constantly reminded. Same goes for him.
Author stillhere Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 Why are you putting all this pressure on yourself???? You haven't gone out with this guy yet, you don't know what will happen...And, even if things do go well, you need time to be on your own before jumping into another relationship. Even if the one you're in now is with a MM. It's just not wise for your heart, or your mind - Or the new guy to get seriously involved. Take it slow... Also, your MM has NO right to put restrictions on you considering he's still with his wife. He may feel hurt and jealous, but hello!! He's married! Putting pressure on myself is something i've done all my life. At times, i'm mine own worst enemy. I try to think all situations through from every angle possible. It's not that i'm lonely, i've been "on my own" for about 6 months now, as my relationship with MM is only about 2 hours out of a day. We don't get to spend a lot of physical time together. He doesn't put restrictions on me. I put them on myself. I think of how he'd feel about a situation i may find myself in. It's my own doing. I'm faithful to him, although he is not faithful to me. Yes, it's his own W that he is "cheating" on me with, and there is nothing wrong with that obviously, but that is my come back when he thinks that i'm flirting with someone. I do all this to myself. He does get jealous, and that i can't blame him for, but he doesn't have that right to tell me that i can or can not see someone else. His only request of me was that if i wanted to be with someone else, to let him go first. I'm not sure i can do that. Because if the date doesn't go well, now i don't have him in my life anymore. I know i've got some messed up thinking, but this is how i truely feel.
movinon05 Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Stillhere, I think you are feeling the effects of it becoming old. Just a bit. I can pretty much promise you its going to get worse and it will not be enough. Sweetie, I wish you'd try to find the strength to move on since he has promised you nothing. Perhaps it will take months and years of going on like this with nothing to show for it and watching men walk in and our of your life, and realizing you've denied yourself at the real chance of happiness. You're denying yourself a chance at real happiness. (Me - 7 yrs - but I'm finally done.) Where do you want to be in 7 years? Its just a matter of time.
Author stillhere Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 Stillhere, I think you are feeling the effects of it becoming old. Just a bit. I can pretty much promise you its going to get worse and it will not be enough. Sweetie, I wish you'd try to find the strength to move on since he has promised you nothing. Perhaps it will take months and years of going on like this with nothing to show for it and watching men walk in and our of your life, and realizing you've denied yourself at the real chance of happiness. You're denying yourself a chance at real happiness. (Me - 7 yrs - but I'm finally done.) Where do you want to be in 7 years? Its just a matter of time. Hey MO, haven't seen much of you around here lately! Glad to see you still pop in every once in a while! No, i don't want to be here 7 years down the road. I'm not out openly searching, but i refuse to just let someone walk out that door if they come to me. That i will not do. But i'm finding it hard to walk away from him. I will do it, yes i will, but i'm having a hard time with it. No one seems to understand the turmoil, so that is why i come here. There are so many other OW's that have been through it, no one i know has been in my situation. Here, others have, and that allows me the means to vent and have them truely understand what i am going through. It's been "old" for a while. I want to feel true happiness again. I'm sick of hiding. My heart just isn't communicating with my head. That is why i jumped at the chance to say yes to new guy. Although, hope will fly out the window if he really is married. Something i thought, but was unsure of. New guy has no wedding ring on, so i'm not sure. Damn it. See, this is how i break my own heart........thinking i have a way out of this mess, and new guy is possible married too.
completelyconfused Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 So let me get this clear- your MM has not promised you anything at all? Whether it'd be in the near future or in the future at all? So what's really going on? You're in love with each other but never plan to be together? ever?
Author stillhere Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 So let me get this clear- your MM has not promised you anything at all? Whether it'd be in the near future or in the future at all? So what's really going on? You're in love with each other but never plan to be together? ever? You're right! Never! But, i never thought he would fall in love with me, and he has.........so, i switched into the "maybe i can change him" mode. I thought that if i could make him love me more and more, that some day he would leave. I had too much hope. And i still kind of do. Even though he has never lead me to believe that he would leave. The only thing i ever got out of him was "it's not that i wouldn't, it's that i can't leave her." As far as i know, my MM has never lied to me. He's told me things that i didn't want to hear and answered questions that i wished i had never asked.
completelyconfused Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Wow!! Welcome to my world! My MM and I have never spoken about any type of relationship...we were just suppose to be having "fun" but that "fun" turned into something so much more....and it's so difficult I feel you. You want to walk away and you feel like you can't something always pulls you back. And I feel the same way you do, like somewhere, somehow, someway I will get the strength to walk away one day...but I keep thinking will that day ever really come? Sometimes I feel like it's hopeless and completely inevitable that I will walk away strong from this relationship and unhurt. I understand what you're feeling....Nobody was supposed to fall in love with anyone but unfortunately now you're in love and it's too late to walk away because those dam emotions you feel are so strong... Oh StillHere, what to do? I ask myself the same question, all the time. If you ever find the answer let me know...
Author stillhere Posted July 28, 2006 Author Posted July 28, 2006 Oh StillHere, what to do? I ask myself the same question, all the time. If you ever find the answer let me know... Girl, i'll be sure to let you know! This constant battle with myself is emotionally draining! He always tells me that i'm thinking way to far into things. And i do, but i can't help it. It's like i'm trying to prepare myself before an actual situation arises! He is an amazing man, and that's the part that has me stuck. He's never cheated in his life, so of course i feel special, especially because of how he's so hooked on me. But that of course isn't the reason i love him! He's truely everything i have ever wanted in a man, except for that little fact that he's married. OK, big fact. I have never had this much trust in anyone in my life. I have never let anyone else see my true self like he has. No one understands me more than him. Not my family, my friends, no one. So not only will i lose that amazing sex, i will lose my best friend, and the one person that understands me. That is the hard part. I could care less if we never had sex again. It's the emotional connection, all that love.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 But that of course isn't the reason i love him! He's truely everything i have ever wanted in a man, except for that little fact that he's married. OK, big fact. I have never had this much trust in anyone in my life. I have never let anyone else see my true self like he has. No one understands me more than him. Not my family, my friends, no one. So not only will i lose that amazing sex, i will lose my best friend, and the one person that understands me. That is the hard part. I could care less if we never had sex again. It's the emotional connection, all that love. Don't you think his wife feels that way about him too? This is where you have to take the blinders off. Your MM has manipulated you so much, you're putting guilt trips on yourself so you won't hurt HIM. Yeah he's not doing this "malciously" but it's thought out enough, loving enough with the intention of being with you forever...Yet you'll never fully have him. This guy is getting the best of both worlds. Why on earth would he want to give either of you up? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS NEEDS are being met. I'm sure he's happier than a pig in *****.
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