tidal Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I have always thought that, when it comes to relationships, the couple needs to have separate lives. They can have overlapping friends, but that should not be their only source of friendships. I have valued outside-of-couple time and definitely need my own space to just do things by myself. Some of the guys I have dated did not feel the need to have their own time, thus making me feel guilty whenever I told them I didn't want them around. However, after thinking about it, I got to wondering whether someone who really needs such personal time just has emotional commitment problems and that perhaps wanting to be around someone all the time is not such an unhealthy behavior. Simply: Does wanting alone time mean that one is emotionally unstable? Thoughts?
Winfield Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I have always thought that, when it comes to relationships, the couple needs to have separate lives. They can have overlapping friends, but that should not be their only source of friendships. I have valued outside-of-couple time and definitely need my own space to just do things by myself. Some of the guys I have dated did not feel the need to have their own time, thus making me feel guilty whenever I told them I didn't want them around. However, after thinking about it, I got to wondering whether someone who really needs such personal time just has emotional commitment problems and that perhaps wanting to be around someone all the time is not such an unhealthy behavior. Simply: Does wanting alone time mean that one is emotionally unstable? Thoughts? I think it's the complete opposite - it shows, by having alone time, that you're able to stand on your own 2 feet. Having someone else there in a relationship sense is just that added bonus! There's wanting to be around someone, and then there's "crowding" them - being around them's fine...but by being there all the time in everything they do (and I don't mean as in a committed relationship sense), now that's unhealthy.
superconductor Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Does wanting alone time mean that one is emotionally unstable? Thoughts? No, of course not. A positive relationship is one part of a healthy life, but it is only one part. One also has to balance that with career, finances, nuclear family issues, community work (of whatever type), personal care, etc. etc. Sometimes the relationship with be the #1 priority, but most often it's down the list a ways, depending on the context of what happens to be going on in one's life at the moment.
norajane Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Taking personal time is vital to relationships, and doesn not in the least mean you're unstable! I read so many threads here where people are calling and texting each other a million times a day, and have no idea what they could possibly be talking about all the time. That would really get on my nerves. Also, I think spending all your time with each other makes you boring to each other and can aggravate small issues into big ones.
RecordProducer Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Actually it shows that you're emotionally very stable and non-dependent on your partner. You probably have many friends and activities you pursue where you don't need your partner. However it's nice to do things together with your partner. My sister-in-law is hyperactive and loves to shop and gossip with her friends. So she leaves the kids at home or with her husband (who is not so active) and does all the things that she can't do when she is with him. My husband doesn't care about the beach so I told him I'd go on a vacation with the kids (we could go for one week all together then I could continue somewhere else with my sons for one more week) and he said it wasn't right for me to have fun while he's working. He thinks we should do everything together and as much as it's good cuz I have no one in the US except him, it's sometimes inhibiting because I can't choose something that I like and he doesn't without feeling like "Oh, why did I take you with me at all when you are not enjoying yourself?"
quankanne Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 after thinking about it, I got to wondering whether someone who really needs such personal time just has emotional commitment problems and that perhaps wanting to be around someone all the time is not such an unhealthy behavior. on the contrary, it's a very healthy behavior to cultivate. Because as much as you enjoy spending time with a particular person or group of people, you shouldn't contrue that as needing to be with them 24/7. Time alone or spent pursuing activities of your choosing isn't being selfish either, but recognizing a need to do those things unencumbered. So don't feel guilty about wanting time away from certain people to do certain things – you're not put on this earth to please or entertain particular people, but enjoy the mutual time you do find together. Even in one-to-one interpersonal relationships. RP, I feel for you ... I know you want to spend time with your DH, but sometimes, it's better that you do things in stages (like splitting vacation into a segment with just the kids, then as a whole family) so that everyone enjoys what's going on. My husband and I have an understanding that it's okay to follow separate pursuits if we know it's not what the other person wants to do (him hanging out with drinking buddies, me visiting friends and family back home one a regular basis), that we're not taking time away from each other. Maybe it's time to sit down with your groom and sweetly explain that because you understand that he doesn't care to visit the beach, you thought maybe it'd be easier to go with the kids so that they could still have fun but he wouldn't be bored down there. He may just surprise you by agreeing when you present it to him that way!
alphamale Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Simply: Does wanting alone time mean that one is emotionally unstable? No, wanting "alone" time means you are MORE stable and well adjusted. Even if I am dating someone seriously I only want to see her maybe once or twice per week on avg. Thats a good balance for me. I know dating couples who see each other every day. I could never do that. Maybe thats why i'll probably never get married again.
quankanne Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Maybe thats why i'll probably never get married again. maybe you'll get lucky and find a hottie who only wants to hook up with you long enough to screw your brains out twice a week and still consider it a good marriage! which, comes to think of it, doesn't sound like such a bad arrangement at times ... :laugh:
Outcast Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I suppose in some people wanting to be together a lot is a bad sign. However people have different companionship needs and sometimes a couple just likes to spend time together. And oughtn't be considered less independent somehow, IMHO. It's just different folks have different needs, preferences, etc.
alphamale Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 It's just different folks have different needs, preferences, etc. yeah OUTCAST....just like Jeffrey Dahmer had the "different needs" to kill teenage boys, have sex with them and then put their bodies in vats of acid.
amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 just like Jeffrey Dahmer Jeffrey Dahmer had TOO much alone time. Balance to him was having a ball in each hand.
alphamale Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Jeffrey Dahmer had TOO much alone time. no doubt! I heard he liked to cut his victim's nut-sacks off and then dry them out so he could make a bowl. He would then eat his morning cereal in the nut-sack bowl
john1776 Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Yes I believe personal time away from your significant other is very important. On average I see my girlfriend once every 2 weeks. We got back together. We were only broken up for 3 days. But that's another story. Recently it has been once a week that I visit her but now it's back to once every 2 weeks. I have not seen her since last thursday and I don't plan to see her again until the 3rd or 4th of August at the earliest. I have not initiated a single phone call since I left her house last Thursday night. She has called me 4 times since then. First time was last Saturday night. 2nd time was Monday evening. I didn't bother to answer the phone that time because I figure if it was important she would leave a message. She didn't. 3rd time was Tuesday evening. She did leave a message. She called twice that evening because I didn't answer her the first time. I picked up the phone on her 2nd call. 4th time was yesterday evening. So I did not talk to her for 3 days. I thought about calling her tonight but after reading this post I feel even better about waiting a couple more days before calling her. I still think it's important to give yourself & your significant other the gift of missing you. I have been spending alot of the time away from her at work. I have increased my hours and put in overtime. I am working 9 days in a row this week. I'm sure glad I have not made a habit of calling her everyday or seeing her everyday otherwise the chances of running into conflicts are much higher. Plus I don't want to give her the opportunity to take me for granted nor do I want to take her for granted. Yes I believe we would get bored with each other if we heard from each other or saw each other everyday. There is no challenge in that. There is also no challenge in having sex everyday either. Eventually it won't feel special. I certainly think that clinging to each other is the best chance of ruining and breaking up the relationship. I've learned to give my parents, job, hobbies, friends 60% of my time and the remaining 40% of my time goes to my girlfriend.
john1776 Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Everything I posted earlier is meant to prove to my girlfriend and more importantly to myself that I can live without her. It's not going to kill me if I don't talk to her for a few days. If she is an emotionally independent woman (which I believe she is) then she will support the fact that I need to tend to the affairs of my life outside the relationship. Neediness is not attractive in neither a man nor a woman although women can get away with it more often than guys can.
lil_angel Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 i agree that alone time is a good thing, and theres nothing wrong with having some separate friends, interests, etc. but i still believe a serious relationship should definitely be very high on the priority list. me and my boyfriend are in an LDR and we talk almost every day. but this doesnt mean i sacrifice my own social life, obligations, and interests to talk to him. if a friend invites me out i wont turn them down just to talk on the phone with my boyfriend, nor do i expect him to. i have my own job, money, car, friends, etc. if i have problems i take care of them. him too. but we still tell each other about our day, we make time for each other, even if it just means calling to say goodnight after gettng home from a party. if i have a bad day or just need to unwind, he's the first person i want to talk to or be with. if he's not around, its not going to kill me though. so although alone time is good and healthy, i think nurturing the relationship is equally important. i could never be with someone who wouldnt talk to me more than once a week, id feel like i was just a casual hookup, that i didnt really matter. but i also would be equally unhappy with someone who had to account for every minute of my day.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 You two have to find some sort of balance. It's OK to have things you want to do without her. Just like she should want to do things she wants to do. And, it's also nice to miss eachother! Let things build abit. When you're living together, or married, things change because your lives completely become entwined. But you still get time alone too! It's all about balance and respecting what the other person feels and wants too. If I spent ALL my time with my hubby I'd go nuts! I enjoy MY time. Just as he does his.
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