So, what pushed you over the edge to move on?...

July 27, 2006

So I’m wondering, when did many of you finally allow yourself to “let go” and no longer hold hopes for a prior relationship? What was it that pushed you over the edge? What is it that finally makes someone snap and go “why the heck am I wasting time thinking about somebody who was been foolish enough to let me go?” It’s been over a month for me, and I find myself wondering when I’ll finally be pushed to the proverbial edge and not think about the past anymore in terms of my most recent relationship. I realize it is a varying timeframe for all, depending on many factors, such as feelings towards the ex, how long you were together, etc. I guess I’m most interested in knowing what fact/thought/etc finally got you to say to yourself “even if they want me, I don’t want them. I’m better off looking for another person that won’t walk away from me/give up on us/etc”.

Looking forward to hearing your answers :-)

Jennifer

July 27, 2006

So I’m wondering, when did many of you finally allow yourself to “let go” and no longer hold hopes for a prior relationship? What was it that pushed you over the edge? What is it that finally makes someone snap and go “why the heck am I wasting time thinking about somebody who was been foolish enough to let me go?” It’s been over a month for me, and I find myself wondering when I’ll finally be pushed to the proverbial edge and not think about the past anymore in terms of my most recent relationship. I realize it is a varying timeframe for all, depending on many factors, such as feelings towards the ex, how long you were together, etc. I guess I’m most interested in knowing what fact/thought/etc finally got you to say to yourself “even if they want me, I don’t want them. I’m better off looking for another person that won’t walk away from me/give up on us/etc”.

Looking forward to hearing your answers :-)

Jennifer

-Knowing that I deserve better then what she gave me

-We broke up, therefore it wasn't meant to be, so why keep thinking about it?

-It was more misery then happiness when we were together

-Neither one of us trusted each other, and relationships won't last w/o trust.

July 27, 2006

-Knowing that I deserve better then what she gave me

-We broke up, therefore it wasn't meant to be, so why keep thinking about it?

-It was more misery then happiness when we were together

-Neither one of us trusted each other, and relationships won't last w/o trust.

Your first two reasons I'd assume would definitely apply to most breakups. The latter two, I can't say apply to me for this one (though I suppose trust could be shot if he were to resurface, since well, he's left once, what's to keep it from happening again). You're definitely right, I mean why think about something that is no longer, but I think we women tend to hold onto things, even when they are gone. I'm sure you'll find some men and some women that wont fit the mold, but I've found men were a little more easily able to say "well, we broke up, so next". I'd like to learn how to think like a man, in that respect. I'd expect a lot less pain with breakups, else, shorter time frame for it hehe. I've tried to be all "he is dumb and left me, so next" and some days it works for me, but some days, I don't know, it's not so cut and dry, emotionally, as that. Some days, I'm "fine". Feel "happy" etc. Some days, I feel like it's all starting all over again, even though there are no triggers. No contact for 3 weeks now and haven't seen him for like 5 weeks since the breakup. I'm not sure, what causes the mind to flip flop back and forth between feeling "ok" and "dealing with it" to "waaaaaah i miss him".

Jennifer

July 27, 2006

You're definitely right, I mean why think about something that is no longer, but I think we women tend to hold onto things, even when they are gone. I'm sure you'll find some men and some women that wont fit the mold, but I've found men were a little more easily able to say "well, we broke up, so next". I'd like to learn how to think like a man, in that respect.

I don't hold on...... I am one who does not fit the mold.

What is the point of killing yourself emotionally over something you cannot repair, fix, or that just was not meant to be. It does not serve a purpose for today or tomorrow to continue to care.

It is not a matter of thinking like a man, but knowing that it serves no purpose.

July 27, 2006

I don't hold on...... I am one who does not fit the mold.

What is the point of killing yourself emotionally over something you cannot repair, fix, or that just was not meant to be. It does not serve a purpose for today or tomorrow to continue to care.

It is not a matter of thinking like a man, but knowing that it serves no purpose.

See this is where logic and emotions don't always coincide (for me). I'm an intelligent person. LOGIC tells me, it serves no purpose. There is no point in worrying about the past, I can't change it, I can't change an exes mind, etc. I know this. I know that all I can change, is today forward. Logic, is terrific.

However, there's emotion. Emotion says "don't give up, you loved him, maybe SOMEDAY, you'll both be in the same place and it will work" or something to that nature. The hope of "someday" can be very good at keep yourself on a string, so to speak. Trying to give up hope, well, that would mean we'd need to be in control over our emotions enough to say to ourselves what LOGIC says, and actually believe it enough emotionally, to move on. Fear also plays a huge role in the emotional side. Things like "i'll never find somebody as perfect for me as X" or "my standards are getting so high from dating X and Y, that i'll never ever be able to top that one", etc.

I guess the major question is, how do you defy emotions enough to get on the page with logic?

Jennifer

July 27, 2006

I think that if they find somebody else, or you do, then that makes it a lot more final. (If final can be in degrees.)

July 27, 2006

However, there's emotion. Emotion says "don't give up, you loved him, maybe SOMEDAY, you'll both be in the same place and it will work" or something to that nature. The hope of "someday" can be very good at keep yourself on a string, so to speak. Trying to give up hope, well, that would mean we'd need to be in control over our emotions enough to say to ourselves what LOGIC says, and actually believe it enough emotionally, to move on. Fear also plays a huge role in the emotional side. Things like "i'll never find somebody as perfect for me as X" or "my standards are getting so high from dating X and Y, that i'll never ever be able to top that one", etc.

I guess the major question is, how do you defy emotions enough to get on the page with logic?

Jennifer

It's a choice actually. Women can do it as well as men. It simply comes from listening more to the logic than the emotions. It's a conscious thought process of actually realising (like you have) what the crux of the issue is and then making a further conscious choice to stay away from it. For example, I love my ex partner very much. I always will. Emotion. The reality is that he's now with someone else... despite his frequent saying that he is conflicted and still loves me (I think he's waiting for fate to make a decision for him). But for me... the reality is there that this place is where we are. Not some dream world where we're still together. Here. Now. So I cut all contact... blocks to work and home email, changed numbers and dumped the mobile phone etc. Completely cut off contact. Logic. The feeling is still the same but you have to look and listen to what is going on around you. If you allow your emotions to sink you, they will. I don't know for me whether we'll ever get back together... no one knows the future. Right now, it is not a possibility for me. And him. So, it looks pretty much final. Accepting that is necessary to move forward. Over time it will ease the pain of the loss.

July 27, 2006

I guess the major question is, how do you defy emotions enough to get on the page with logic?

Jennifer

I cannot give you an answer for that which you could use. For me I concentrate on the things I can change, those things which are viable.

Hurt is real, grief, pain...... call it what you may. But if you really face it for what it is instead of what could be or hope to be it makes moving on much faster. It is what it is and you cannot change it.

Sure it hurts but you will get over it. You will move on..... you will be just fine.

July 27, 2006

. You're definitely right, I mean why think about something that is no longer, but I think we women tend to hold onto things, even when they are gone. I'm sure you'll find some men and some women that wont fit the mold, but I've found men were a little more easily able to say "well, we broke up, so next".
Jennifer

Jennifer, just take a look around. relationship turmoil is not a gender thing. there are just as many men "hurting" as there are women. all you have to do is look at the number of threads started by men vs. women. this is a HUMAN condition. it has nothing at all to do with gender. there are men that can move on quickly and women who can. there are men who get stuck and women who get stuck. you can't generalize about very human problems! you're looking at things through your unique prism. you are hurting and stuck and a woman and he is not hurting not stuck and a man. this is YOUR situation not everyones. just make a simple observation of the coping forum. to your left a man. to your right a woman. lets try to put a a stop this men are this, and women are that, generalizing.

regards

July 27, 2006

I cannot give you an answer for that which you could use. For me I concentrate on the things I can change, those things which are viable.

Hurt is real, grief, pain...... call it what you may. But if you really face it for what it is instead of what could be or hope to be it makes moving on much faster. It is what it is and you cannot change it.

Sure it hurts but you will get over it. You will move on..... you will be just fine.

Yeah, I agree with this. I find a sure fire way of doing things is by not allowing the emotions and feelings get too caught up with how good it was and re-painting it in rose-coloured hues. For everything I reconfigure a negative too. This is kinda like reverse NLP really (look it up) where you use language and imagery to reframe things. Example....

That day we went to that special place was so magical

This conjures up all kinds of emotions and feelings and because it's not there anymore and it's lost.... it makes me feel crap. So I counter it with something like this..

The day I had my second course of treatment, he didn't attend the hospital with me

And what this then does is bring to the fore, other instances when this kind of thing happened.... kinda rebalancing the books if you like. So you see that yes, it was good in parts but it had it's faults too and in recognising those... you realise eventually that things would have fallen apart and that gives you the incentive and strength to look forward with a balanced view of things.

July 27, 2006

I agree with all the posts..

But I wonder if in bad breakups have we really moved on?

Im sure in back of our mind memories have peered in once in a while but its up to us to maintain strong through our choice of moving on.

The exorcism of an ex is a tedious and difficult process and it varies from person to person.

I personally had a huge reality check.Once i realized i was the only one giving 110% & it wasnt a failure of my part i was set free.

Why would i waste my time in a man that doesnt want to be with me?

Did i really want to give that much power to someone that just passed over the best thing they had? I dont think so!!!!!!!!

July 27, 2006

Several reasons:

*I know I didn't deserve to beaten down

*I know I was worth more then he was giving me.

*I know I deserved better.

*I know I was only a fill-in.

*I know I was being used.

Recently learned/learning:

*I love myself enough that I don't have to settle for less then I'm worth.

July 27, 2006

I personally had a huge reality check.Once i realized i was the only one giving 110% & it wasnt a failure of my part i was set free.
Why would i waste my time in a man that doesnt want to be with me?

Did i really want to give that much power to someone that just passed over the best thing they had? I dont think so!!!!!!!!

That is definitely something that is best to come to terms with and aid in moving on. Again, this is where logic and emotions conflict for me though. Logically, I know I didn't do anything to cause the breakup (according to the ex). Logically, I know that I'm worth someone that will devote to me as I do to them, why waste time and energy on a person that isn't doing the same for me? Emotionally, well therein lies the conflicts lol.

Realizing how much power we are giving over to someone who has hurt us, is a hard pill to swallow, and hard to correct in some instances. I certainly don't want to feel like anyone besides me is driving how I feel/think/act but at the same time, I seem to allow it to happen off and on (causing the happy one minute, sad the next results i spoke of in earlier parts of this thread). Even worse is, that person for all we know has moved on and isn't even aware of this power anyway. It's all fabricated in our little minds that they even still give to ****s or even think about us in a fleeting thought. I'm rambing. I guess I'm just angry at myself, for giving in to the emotional side rather than using the logic side.

Jennifer

July 27, 2006

I guess I'm just angry at myself, for giving in to the emotional side rather than using the logic side.

Jennifer

Jen - I'm right there with you. This kind of thinking process is something I've been doing for several weeks. For me, it's more like this:

FACT: He DOESN'T love me - he told me so!

FACT: I was never a priority in his life. EVER!

EMOTION: But why doesn't he love me? And, if he had loved me, I would have been a priority. So then I just go around in circles in my head...

EMOTION: KNOWING with logic that he doesn't love me, I still love him. Well, I don't even know how to figure that one out...because it's insane that despite him not loving me, and despite never having been a priority in his life, I still love him. Geez. Talk about strange logic and bizarre emotions....

July 27, 2006

Jen - I'm right there with you. This kind of thinking process is something I've been doing for several weeks. For me, it's more like this:

FACT: He DOESN'T love me - he told me so!
FACT: I was never a priority in his life. EVER!

EMOTION: But why doesn't he love me? And, if he had loved me, I would have been a priority. So then I just go around in circles in my head...

EMOTION: KNOWING with logic that he doesn't love me, I still love him. Well, I don't even know how to figure that one out...because it's insane that despite him not loving me, and despite never having been a priority in his life, I still love him. Geez. Talk about strange logic and bizarre emotions....

We could be the same person, LaraV :-) I feel your post. 100000000000000%. I mean, logic tells me not to invest feelings in someone that would so easily toss me aside for dreams of another "less compatible" partner. (i mean wtf is that - just tell me if you weren't into me). However, I still get the feelings of happiness when I think of the times we were intimate and loving and caring and all that nice crap, that keeps me coming back for more hurt, apparently...

Jennifer

July 27, 2006

Oh Lara, mine betters yours tho!

My internal conversation goes something like this...

Logic: He doesn't love me. He's with someone else.

Emotion: But he's never said it. He's even said he did love me.

Logic: But if he loved me, he'd not be with someone else.

Emotion: But why would he get so upset....

Logic: Guilt.

Emotion: No, I'm sure his feelings didn't change - we're just in a difficult situ.

Logic: If his feelings didn't change and he loves you so much... what's the deal..?

Emotion: Well, he doesn't want to hurt her and there's been enough hurt already..

and on and on and on...

I plan to try and yank that 'emotion' way out of the way before it causes much more trouble. Yeah, you can't help feeling the way that you feel and when you love someone you don't just switch it off... but also, constructively taking a hold of those feelings and trying to reframe them is really important I think. Doing it with logical reasoning is one way out, ignoring it altogether if you can is another. In both cases, time is the only sure thing which will help. It's like anything else, we learn through experience how to deal with things. Sad, but true.

July 27, 2006

In the case of a commitment phobic relationship, once the chase is over, and the fear sets in, feelings start to change immediately. Fear continues to grow until their is no room left for the Love that was once there, and the relationship ends. The dumper is usually so relieved at this point that they are finially "Free", they cannot ever entertain the idea of getting back together. To do so would be like wanting to go to prison.

I know this is the case with my Ex. She tried to warn me, so many times of her condition. I ignored it and thought to myself, just how scary is this for her? Cant be all that bad? Whoops.. my bad, I was wrong. Totally misjudged what a Commitment Phobic person is about.

It can also be one of the most painful breakups you will ever suffer through. Mostly due to the fact that you never saw it coming. There was no fighting, everything seemed lovingly and caring on the outside and there was no indication that anything was wrong. Them WHAM!!! Game Over, usually with no explanation offered.

I am letting this situation go by slowly realizing it could have been a lot worse. It could have gone on a lot longer than it did, even marriage. I could be fighting over a house with her right now, or custody battle of children. I can walk away from this free and clear. Thats a satisfying feeling.

July 27, 2006

Oh Lara, mine betters yours tho!

My internal conversation goes something like this...

Logic: He doesn't love me. He's with someone else.
Emotion: But he's never said it. He's even said he did love me.
Logic: But if he loved me, he'd not be with someone else.
Emotion: But why would he get so upset....
Logic: Guilt.
Emotion: No, I'm sure his feelings didn't change - we're just in a difficult situ.
Logic: If his feelings didn't change and he loves you so much... what's the deal..?
Emotion: Well, he doesn't want to hurt her and there's been enough hurt already..

and on and on and on...

I plan to try and yank that 'emotion' way out of the way before it causes much more trouble. Yeah, you can't help feeling the way that you feel and when you love someone you don't just switch it off... but also, constructively taking a hold of those feelings and trying to reframe them is really important I think. Doing it with logical reasoning is one way out, ignoring it altogether if you can is another. In both cases, time is the only sure thing which will help. It's like anything else, we learn through experience how to deal with things. Sad, but true.

Ha! Yeah, I know what you're saying. Makes me feel like I have a defective brain or something - it's like, "C'mon brain, process this the right way, damn it!!!"

July 27, 2006

Diver – I can totally see your point in looking at the “bright side” that it didn’t go farther and that there aren’t divorce hearings/property distribution, etc. I also hear you on the commitment phobe thing. I’m not sure that mine was a commitment phobe. He claims he’s not. He could very well not have been ready for a commitment with anyone, let alone me, as he was 1 year out of a relationship that was the better part of at least 4 years on this coast, and a few years on the other. I know I didn’t date for 3 years after my 4 year live in relationship. Partially because I wasn’t ready, partially because I wasn’t looking once I was ready. But then, here’s where emotion comes in. “Maybe he’ll be ready for a relationship with me in the future. He acknowledged how eerily compatible we were, how easy the relationship was, how nice it felt, etc”. That’s the part that kills ya. That’s the part I need to let go and say LOGIC: “He isn’t ready for a relationship with me right now so I need to move on regardless.” Emotion sometimes says “well you don’t wanna move onto someone else cuz then he won’t think you’re available if he comes back” type thing. Truly a hard battle of logic vs emotion.

Chinook – I feel your pain too. Honestly do. It seems, in all of our cases, we are all easily able to define what is logical and what is emotional. I guess the higher level of us are able to tell ourselves to follow the logical remove the emotional. I wish I were to that level. I’m sure with time, I will be. I’ve been through it before, and lived, and logic tells me every time I’ve broken up I’ve felt certain things, and every time, I’ve gone on to have more relationships, each successful and fulfilling in their own ways. I guess it’s just hard when you allow the fear of never finding what you had, ever again, into your life.

Jennifer

July 27, 2006

I wish I were to that level. I’m sure with time, I will be. I’ve been through it before, and lived, and logic tells me every time I’ve broken up I’ve felt certain things, and every time, I’ve gone on to have more relationships, each successful and fulfilling in their own ways. I guess it’s just hard when you allow the fear of never finding what you had, ever again, into your life.

I think realistically, what it comes down to is that some days are better than others. Today I'm not full of PMT hormones so I'm getting along in a fairly even way. Throw those hormones in there and christalmighty it's painful! Like I said earlier, sometimes... only time is the healer. I know that you know this. You know that you know this. Doesn't stop you feeling the way you feel though. The human brain functions how it wants to and processes things at it's own pace. No amount of wishing and worrying and hoping and cajoling is going to make this feel better until that brain (and heart) are good and ready. Understanding the process and reflecting on it, is a good thing I think.

July 27, 2006

I guess I’m most interested in knowing what fact/thought/etc finally got you to say to yourself “even if they want me, I don’t want them. I’m better off looking for another person that won’t walk away from me/give up on us/etc”.

Jennifer, it took me about a year to stop hoping and idealizing my ex-husband. As I was falling out of love slowly, but surely, I started realizing that he was not the one for me, which I previously believed.

I had humiliated myself many times (coming at his door, calling him in the middle of the night, crying, etc.) and every time he pushed me away further by rejecting my love. At one point he told me "I don't love you!' and I think that opened my eyes.

It was moving two steps further, one step behind for about a couple years until I met some guy and completely forgot about my ex.

July 28, 2006

Thankfully, I've kept myself and my longings at bay with this break up. I don't know, I guess my logic side is ruling enough to know that nothing I say or do will change things, so I'm not bothering. I don't want to do anything to make myself feel embarassed, esp since I still care about him as a person. I ihave no want to make him feel any worse than he already did (assuming that he did at some point). I know that finding someone else would help push me into the other direction, but honestly, as you read on other threads, I would want to make sure I'm healed from this one before getting involved. I don't want to go into another relationship if I'm still sorting out remains of another.

A friend of mine wrote a great song, and I feel the want to post it here. Hope you all enjoy. He wrote it during his bitter/angsty/single days after his divorce. He is now insanely happily married with a wonderful woman. If it could happen for him, it could happen for anyone...

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So, what pushed you over the edge to move on?...

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