LUCYLOU Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Six years ago I cheated on my then fiance, now husband. I lied to him about this for all of these years, telling him I did things with this man, but did not have sex. It was a meaningless one night fling & I knew immediately I had messed up. I thought it would just go away. Now 6 years later, I finally fessed up, he knew in his heart what happened, he just never heard me say it & I kept lying to him. I have not cheated on him since & I will never cheat on him again. He is having a harder time with me lying to him for all of these years more than the cheating. I love him with all of my heart & am truely sorry for what I did & realize now that lying only made it worse (I think I knew that all along, just didn't want to admit it) - he says he will forgive me & is not going to leave me, but I just can't shake this feeling that he will not trust me again - what is next? I am willing to do what ever I need to do regain his trust & know it is not going to be easy....any suggestions?!?!?!?!
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Go to marriage counselling, work your butt off to PROVE to him, not only in words, but in actions - How sorry you are and how much you love him. That you only want to be with him, noone else. I commend you for confessing after all this time. I'm sure that wasn't easy to do. This won't be easy, you just confirmed his worst fear... Give him time, let him grieve, be angry, upset, frustrated, hurt - Whatever he feels it's completely normal. Don't discourage him from being angry with you. Listen to him, sympathize and try to understand HIS pain. Explain to him WHY you had to tell him now. I'm sure you have your reasons for confessing to him so many years later... Good luck and keep posting.
Author LUCYLOU Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 Thanks for your encouraging outlook, I really appreciate it! I guess I should tell why I told himI always wanted to, but just didn't have the courage...he knew, I kept lying, he kept asking - knowing I was lying...eventually I had to tell him & I was too scared to even make the words come out of my mouth, I had to write it down - how cowardly is that???? But I do feel better now that it is out & I feel like I can start working my butt off to regain his trust, it is going to be hard, but our love is worth it!
EndoftheRope Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 What WWIU said. I'm in your husand's position, and I can tell you I doubt right now I'll EVER trust him again. He has proven himself too adept at lying, parsing words, conveniently 'not hearing' or misunderstanding the promises he made me (actually, it's always that *I* misunderstood). ETC. However, bit by bit, I think he's beginning to understand that lying actually is a problem. It was suggested here that growing up in an alcoholic home could be at the root of the lying, and I do believe that's the case. It is just too NORMAL to him, to lie at the drop of a hat. But, as I said, he's beginning to get so fed up with the situation, that he's actually resorting to the truth every now and again, and bit by bit, I guess at least the marriage can continue. It remains to be seen if there will ever be real trust, but I do believe he has a lot of power in his hands as to how much the trust can be regained. I.e. if he proves himself trustworthy over and over, the trust will grow. Every time I find out he lied, it gets knocked back to square one, or possibly even farther back.
Author LUCYLOU Posted August 1, 2006 Author Posted August 1, 2006 it is ironic that your husband grew up in an alcoholic home, as i grew up with an alcoholic father. he quit drinking when i was almost teenager, but most of my earlier years he drank, and i have never for some reason associated my lying with his drinking & drug abuse, but it adds up! lying is so much easier for me for some unknown reason, it doesn't get me any where but hurt! i am working on it every day. i lie about stupid things sometimes - without even thinking! i don't know your husband, or your whole story, but if it is like mine...i cheated only once & will never do it again, but there will always be that doubt in my husbands mind, not only b/c i cheated, but b/c i lied about it for so long. he has every right to feel that way & i can't argue it at all. i admire you & my husband both for loving us enough to stay & work through it. sometimes i feel like maybe hw won't love me if i tell him the truth, but that couldn't be further from the truth - he already loves me & wants the truth! everyday is a struggle b/c everything i do is put under a micrscope & i can't say that i blame him! i deserve it! but he deserves the truth. i have lied to him about money & cheating & little white lies in between. i can only hope that b/c i realize that i have this problem it will only get better!
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