DuRaS27 Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Meaning do you call him or her up and tell them you don't want to talk/hang out anymore? Or do you just do it and start ignoring their calls?
lebowski24 Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Personally, I wish my ex would have told me that she didnt want to have any contact because she didnt think she could handle it or whatever. Instead, she told me that she thought we would eventually be good friends, and has mostly refused to talk since. Kind of hits you in the heart.
soberminded Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I would say that NC is not something you should announce to your ex otherwise you will undo everything you are working toward. No contact is a way of life. I believe it's something that you should do discreetly and don't make your ex aware of your intentions.
johnnytable Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I would say that you don't tell them. If you do tell them, then it simply looks like manipulation and like something that you are doing to them. NC is not about them, it is about you. I also don't think that you should say that you can be "friends" in the future "someday." In fact I would not say anything about the future. For one thing is just leaves a string there. For another you honestly have no idea what your future will hold, so don't try to predict it. It isn't fair for an ex to place false hope on you, just as it isn't fair for one to place false hope onto their ex that they will someday talk to them again. Also you aren't practicing NC if you are contacting them to say something about it! It will also make you look weak which makes you feel weak. NC is about closing the door and moving on. This means that your ex is no longer relavant and thus you do not need to say anything to them.
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 What if you are not sure they are you ex yet, like the other party just up and disappeared and you leave a message stating that you won't call anymore if you don't get a response, although that's sounds harsh it is about you and not them, is that acceptable?
johnnytable Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 What if you are not sure they are you ex yet, like the other party just up and disappeared and you leave a message stating that you won't call anymore if you don't get a response, although that's sounds harsh it is about you and not them, is that acceptable? If it is a serious relationship then of course you should actually "breakup" so that you know that they are your ex. If you are just casual dating and the other person disappears, then I'm not sure what to say. What is the situation?
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 If it is a serious relationship then of course you should actually "breakup" so that you know that they are your ex. If you are just casual dating and the other person disappears, then I'm not sure what to say. What is the situation? I will have to give a link to my thread. Too long to try and re-write here and I agree with you the no call ! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94574/ Any insight you might have on this one would be great. Thanks...
MrPot Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 NEVER announce it. That defeats the purpose, which is acting like you don't care about him/her anymore. Just act like they're not on your mind anymore. Be unavailable and make no declarations about your relationship or how you're going to handle it.
Chinook Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't agree. But it depends why you are telling them. My circumstances are rather unique so maybe it only applies to me and my ex-partner. But, I told him directly I was initiating 'no contact' and why. We had been together 10 years. Never changed our feelings for one another in all that time (and even now). Circumstances prevailed so that we both failed at the relationship at a critical moment. Further ciircumstances have since intervened and put us in a position where neither of us wants to lose the other. Neither of us can change how we feel but due to miscommunication and idiotic ideas that the other didn't care.. we both jumped right into other relationships. I jumped ship though, he hasn't.. yet. He's very conflicted by this situation and devastated that I'm going to disappear out of his life forever. But the reality is that he's with someone else now... and my feelings didn't change for him either. It's messed up and it's complicated. The easiest and less painful way of dealing with it is NC... and that's to heal me. To allow me to learn how to be without him and allow me to go forward. This is exactly what I told him. Then I threw all the blocks into place completely. The aim of my telling him is so that he can continue with his life and not get stressed and upset because I don't return an email. He already knows I will not do so. He already knows I'm gone. As I said though, these circumstances are unique to us. For someone else, it may be more appropriate just initiating and moving on.
LaraV Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't agree. But it depends why you are telling them. My circumstances are rather unique so maybe it only applies to me and my ex-partner. But, I told him directly I was initiating 'no contact' and why. We had been together 10 years. Never changed our feelings for one another in all that time (and even now). Circumstances prevailed so that we both failed at the relationship at a critical moment. Further ciircumstances have since intervened and put us in a position where neither of us wants to lose the other. Neither of us can change how we feel but due to miscommunication and idiotic ideas that the other didn't care.. we both jumped right into other relationships. I jumped ship though, he hasn't.. yet. He's very conflicted by this situation and devastated that I'm going to disappear out of his life forever. But the reality is that he's with someone else now... and my feelings didn't change for him either. It's messed up and it's complicated. The easiest and less painful way of dealing with it is NC... and that's to heal me. To allow me to learn how to be without him and allow me to go forward. This is exactly what I told him. Then I threw all the blocks into place completely. The aim of my telling him is so that he can continue with his life and not get stressed and upset because I don't return an email. He already knows I will not do so. He already knows I'm gone. As I said though, these circumstances are unique to us. For someone else, it may be more appropriate just initiating and moving on. I kind of agree with Chinook. I think the situation, your goals, the kind of relationship you had all dictate what you choose to do. If you have the idea of getting them back, maybe it's better if you don't announce it; kindda makes them wonder more. I just can't play that kind of mind game at all. When I received an e-mail from my ex, after a month of no contact, chatting with me as if nothing had happened, I was really upset at the tone of it. It seemed to me like he just wanted to "casual-ize" away the fact that he had broken up with me and that somehow if we just talked about superficial things like work all would be fine and dandy. Of course, I don't really know what the purpose of that e-mail was, but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was a well-intentioned effort of sorts. In any case, I did reply with a long-ish e-mail telling him that I was really going through a lot, that a I knew he didn't love me, and because of that reason I couldn't contact him anymore because I needed to move on. I would have hated the idea of him thinking that I was being rude, or that I hate him, or that I'm mad at him - I'm not. I just thought I should do the polite thing and let him know that I'm hurting, and that I just can't stand to see or talk to him anytime soon. It's a personal choice, I think, and it also depends on the other person, and how you think they may take the news. I knew my ex would respect my decision, so I just chose to tell him. Since then, there's been no communication between us.
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 When my ex said she no longer wished to talk I told her that I understood and that i would not contact her anymore. This was done after several attempts on my part to patch the relationship up. Did I do wrong in saying I wouldn't contact them anymore? Or did that come across as a manipulation in their eyes? I certainly never saw it as a manipulation. I only said it so that they understood that I wouldn't bother them anymore and cause them anymore undue stress by pursuing.
johnnytable Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 When my ex said she no longer wished to talk I told her that I understood and that i would not contact her anymore. This was done after several attempts on my part to patch the relationship up. Did I do wrong in saying I wouldn't contact them anymore? Or did that come across as a manipulation in their eyes? I certainly never saw it as a manipulation. I only said it so that they understood that I wouldn't bother them anymore and cause them anymore undue stress by pursuing. I don't think it is a problem. Just live up to your word. My ex said that she would leave me alone after breaking up with me, but she contacted me fairly regularly up until recently.
LaraV Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 To a certain extent I wonder why we even bother with thinking if the exes think it's offensive or not offensive for us to contact them. I mean, THEY broke up with us - why should they have a right to feel offended, or why should they even think it's manipulation on our part? They wanted it over, right? To want something to be over but still be able to communicate with the other person just seems like a case of wanting your cake and eating it too. THAT seems manipulative. Wanting to remove yourself and heal under NC seems just like common sense.
johnnytable Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 To a certain extent I wonder why we even bother with thinking if the exes think it's offensive or not offensive for us to contact them. I mean, THEY broke up with us - why should they have a right to feel offended, or why should they even think it's manipulation on our part? They wanted it over, right? To want something to be over but still be able to communicate with the other person just seems like a case of wanting your cake and eating it too. THAT seems manipulative. Wanting to remove yourself and heal under NC seems just like common sense. Bingo! Communicating just makes their healing easier, because they don't need to deal with the pain of the breakup. They are getting everything that they want. Yet you still must deal with the pain, only being in communication makes it much worse and very difficult to move on. Cutting communication is difficult, but actually much easier that staying in contact. Sure this makes this hard for the ex, but that is their problem.
Author DuRaS27 Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 So I've started no contact and I'm worried: She keeps calling because she's worried about me and I'm not answering. Do you think this could make her mad at me? Maybe in my case I should tell her what I'm doing.
Recommended Posts