crazy_grl Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 First off, let me give you some background about why I'm asking this. The thing is I get a thrill out of acting all shy and meek then surprising people by getting up in front of a crowd for a speech, singing, or just be my ordinary self that only people who know me well see. Admittedly, I used to be afraid of talking to people (though oddly, not really public speaking or performing) but for the most part, I'm not anymore. Yet I still act like I am and somewhat even try to stay fearful and shy. I've been reflecting on all the factors of why I act like that, and this is one of them. I hate generalizations and I hate people judging others without really getting to know them. I hate when people assume that someone is not worthwhile because they're not the most talkative person. So I love breaking people's preconceived notions. I love letting people think that I'm not very smart and so shy I'd never get up in front of a group of people. It really does give me a thrill to show them how wrong they are, because I sing and act really well and I'm much smarter than the average bear. I like being something other than what I appear. I love proving people wrong. BUT I think this is hindering my success, professionally and socially. A guy that I was slightly interested in told me that I wasn't outgoing and confident enough for him. (Though I dispute that a person has to be outgoing to be confident.) I've also realized that this could make it take longer to be taken seriously in my career and hinder my ability to make friends. So, here's the main question. Do you do the same type of thing? Do you knowingly let people believe something about you just to later prove that they were wrong in their assumptions? If so, what do you do? Or do you think I'm whacked in the head for thinking this way? Does what I'm talking about even make sense to you? If you don't do this, how WOULD you do it if you could? Would you?
magichands Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Do you knowingly let people believe something about you just to later prove that they were wrong in their assumptions? Wow. All this time I didn't realise that life is just like a game of poker. It sure does suck when you're out of chips.
Author crazy_grl Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 Thanks for the quip, magichands, but I'm seriously looking for thoughtful responses here that will give me some insight. I don't want to do this. I realize it can be seen as an *ssholish thing to do, but I don't really feel that bad about it because when I really did have bad social phobia, people assumed I was stupid and incapable. My teachers wanted to put me in special ed classes because I didn't talk much, and when I did talk I had a lisp. I was never dumb though, because I have a higher than average IQ. So I feel a little bit angry, especially toward those people who hold the opinion that people who are louder and more outgoing are more capable than people who are not. I don't want to act like that anymore because it's no longer me, but at the same time, I have trouble not wanting to feed into the idea that successful people can't be quiet and introverted... even if it's true that most successful people are not. In a sense, it feels like proving those people who thought I was worthless as a kid were right. I guess maybe I just have to give up on that thought, because it's not realistic.
magichands Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I don't want to act like that anymore because it's no longer me, but at the same time, I have trouble not wanting to feed into the idea that successful people can't be shy... even if it's true that most successful people are not. I'm really not sure what you're asking?? Why not be yourself?! It's all about self-confidence. Surprisingly enough, you don't need other people to give you that. Successful means different things to different people. You decide what you want out of life.
Outcast Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Do you knowingly let people believe something about you just to later prove that they were wrong in their assumptions? Um. No. If they want to have assumptions, stuff 'em. Right or wrong, stuff that, too. Others' opinions matter little to me. The good opinion of people I admire and care about are nice to have - past that, I'd drive myself nuts if I worried what people (most of whom have issues) think of me since I know that people don't necessarily draw logical conclusions I think you're still trying to pay back the people who misunderstood you when you were younger. It's not healthy to remain stuck in that loop, you're not proving all that much, and as you say, you're harming your own social interactions. So let the past fall behind you and just be who you are. And work on not caring what people think because most of the time they'll be wrong anyway.
Author crazy_grl Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 I'm really not sure what you're asking??[\quote] Yah know, I'm not that sure either. I was hoping that other people did the same things and I could get insight into why I did it from them. At the risk of sounding to psychobably, I guess what I'm looking for is a way to act outgoing without feeling like I'm betraying the child I used to be and all the other people who are shy the same way I was. Actually, I think I'm getting somewhere, because before my last post, I didn't even realize that was why I was doing it. Why not be yourself?! It's all about self-confidence. Surprisingly enough, you don't need other people to give you that. I don't think it's about other people giving me self-confidence. I have it. I love myself and I don't want to be anyone else. I know I can do anything I choose to do. I'm pretty, smart, positive, funny, etc. I just don't try to put that out there, maybe i even try to hide it. If I relied on other people for self-confidence, wouldn't I try to make them think I'm smart, funny, etc? (That's not rhetorical.) Successful means different things to different people. You decide what you want out of life. I'm referring to my idea of successful, which is head of a company type successful, friends, fun, living life to the fullest etc. *sigh* I guess that's the very definition of outgoing. I realize I'm probably not making a lot of sense here, but my rambling is helping me. So if anybody has anything relevant or not to add so I can ramble some more, please do so.
Author crazy_grl Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 I think you're still trying to pay back the people who misunderstood you when you were younger. It's not healthy to remain stuck in that loop, you're not proving all that much, and as you say, you're harming your own social interactions. I think you're right. I have to remember that other people are not those teachers. They don't need to be taught a lesson. The best way I can help people who were like I was as a kid (and the kid inside me) is to be outgoing enough to talk to them and to be successful enough that I can give them their own chances. Hmmm... can it really be as simple as this? Thanks for your responses, you two. You're awesome.
JamesM Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 These two words say it all..."Be yourself." Simple yet difficult and complex. You are 24 according to your profile. I am 42...odd isn't it? At your age, you do tend to try to influence what people think of you, and success is not as well defined as in later years. To me sucess is not a CEO type...nor a management type. Been there done that (No, not CEO, jus operations manager). Interestingly enough, I may be more successful in some people's eyes now. I have a good relationship, children, house, cars, wife, job, and money. Could I use more money? Yes. I had more before. But I also have less stress. I am able to be home in the summer with my kids. At 24, this life would not have been considered as successful. Now I realize what for me are the priorities in life. What do people think of me? Interestingly enough, sometimes better than I do, and sometimes worse. Sometimes my strengths and weaknesses both impress and disgust people. As you mentioned, that guy said you were not outgoing enough for him...I guarantee that another guy would totally disagree. You have no reason to defend yourself. You have no reason to change what people think. Do you realize that an impression made on another person occurs within the first sixty seconds? I would suggest that instead of trying to change preconceived notions, rather concentrate on being who you are. If this is intially shy, then so beit. If this is coming off as talkative, so beit. Personally, I like my wife because she is self confident and assertive. I dated a girl who was not, and I was not attracted to her. Immediately after I dropped her, a friend began dating...they are now married for almost 20 years with seven children. Was that girl less of a person to me? No, I have always looked at her as a neat person and great for him...but not for me. If my wife had married him, they would have had a tough time. So, my point. Don't change minds. Be yourself. Accept yourself and accept that not everyone will really see you as you are. And yes, sometimes this can be to your advantage when people underestimate you. Interesting, regarding high school. We all change. You will be surprised when you have a ten year reunion how you are viewed. At mine, I had to reintroduce myself to my friends then. WHy? I had physically grown and become more confident. I was told I changed the most of anyone. But, yet, my shyness returned with many of those people even though in all of my other relationships in life I was much more outgoing. As you grow, you change. Go with the flow. Now I think I rambled.
norajane Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I'm referring to my idea of successful, which is head of a company type successful, friends, fun, living life to the fullest etc. *sigh* I guess that's the very definition of outgoing. I'm going to disagree with this. I think you're falling into the same trap that those in your past did, and stereotyping successful people as outgoing...and outgoing people as successful...presumably with the converse belief that shy people are not successful. Bill Gates was not outgoing, nor did he have a lot of friends, nor was he living life to the fullest back when he dropped out of college and started a geeky business with his equally geeky friend. I'm sure he thought that was fun, though. And, obviously grew to be very successful. And when he did, what did he do? He gave the crowd-pleasing, client-facing job to Steve Ballmer, while he stepped back from the limelight to enjoy his billions with his wife. He makes occasional appearances, but for the most part, it's Ballmer's show in public. I doubt anyone would say he's not living life to the fullest or having fun now. But he's not outgoing.
Author crazy_grl Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 JamesM, no worries I'm not trying to change to be with some guy. As I told him, I don't change to suit anybody but myself. But I completely see his point. I often want to talk to people, but I'm afraid to. The words will be on my tongue, but I won't just spit them out. I'm not that afraid of what they'll think of me (though I've used that excuse in order to give people a quick explanation). I don't really care whether they like me or not, because it doesn't change anything about me. I've never been able to figure out what it is I really fear until now. I agree with everyone that there are different standards of success, and norajane, maybe I am buying too much into what those people led me to believe about success, but it is what I see as success for myself, and it's easily within my reach if I stop sabataging myself. I don't feel that it's based on other people's ideas though. It's based on what I want and don't want out of life and what's necessary to acheive those things. Thanks for bringing up Bill Gates. That's a great point. Why should I feel like I have to be the example for non-social people when he's already done it (and much better than I could at that)!
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