Who is she anymore? I feel lost...

[heartbroken1234]

Well, this is a long story... I am a 22 year old male. So, I met this girl about a year ago to this day. We had class with each other at a school in Ohio the year before, but really never talked. Then, it turned out we had both transferred. So, when we saw each other on the new campus, it was like a crazy attraction initially and we started talking. I even told all my buddies that day that I would marry this girl. It turned out she had a boyfriend, but I hadn't found that out until I was already interested so I kept pursuing her and we ended up getting together after about 2 months or so.

 

The next 9 months of our lives were just amazing. I basically had moved in with her and lived in her apartment during school. We rarely ever fought, and I'm not exaggerating, it was amazing. Obviously the relationship was very serious with both of us saying I love you and wanting to spend our lives together. Every now and then towards the end she'd mention that I wasn't paying as much attention to her and that I had become distant, but each time she'd say that, I'd reassure her with my words. Granted I do realize I should have done more with my actions, but like I said, we never fought, so I didn't think anything was a real big issue. So summer came and I had to go home to work.

 

So she started to feel as if "she didn't have a boyfriend" but I was only gone 2 days and then came back whenever I could. Obviously we'd still talk on the phone each day. Well, we went on a cruise with my family 2 weeks into summer, regardless all the fighting, and the cruise went better than imaginable... We got back from the cruise and she had kind of changed and started saying I didn't need to visit as much and rumors were she and her brother's best friend had started hanging out a lot. Obviously I confronted her about that, as well as my friends, and she demanded that we stop, because nothing at all was going on.

 

Obviously they kept hanging out so I kept saying stuff. Yeah, she felt it was an issue of trust, but now, 30 days later, I turned out to be right. The girl had been hiding it this whole time. I found out the worst possible way, because I snooped through a message of her's, which was terrible of me, but I just knew she was lying. Obviously I called her out, and she just was very emotional and claiming to be sorry and such a bad person, but now is "seeing" the kid. They have already been intimate and I'm sure they still they are. What was she thinking? How could she do that to me? I thought what we had was so special, but that quickly after she breaks up with me she's already in a relationship and being intimate with someone else.

 

The other thing about the 30 days where she's saying they are just friend, she's getting mad and upset at me for doing things and getting mad at me because she said I had "moved on" all the while she's being intimate with this other kid. I don't know what to think and would really like some advice from mainly girls.... I don't want any guys responding, because no I'm not the type of guy who will just go sleep with a random girl to take my mind off the girl I love. HELP?!?!??!?

 

At this point, I'm just trying to get her to meet me and talk in person to sort some stuff out and for a type of closure maybe. I don't know, we haven't seen each other in over a month, so I'm hoping her seeing me will spark back some feelings for her towards me, even though she already with someone. By the way, she's only 21... Please help and thanks...

[utgirl2]

Reading your story, it seems that your ex has a couple things going on that may help you to make sense of her behavior. First, if she came out of a relationship directly into a rather committed one with you...and then on to someone else from yours, perhaps this is a pattern of hers. People who have security issues tend to avoid being alone, and seek out a companion, sometimes no matter who it is, to keep them from facing what they feel about themselves. This is nothing more than their insecurity, and absolutely not a reflection of your worth as a person.

 

This notion of insecurity fits well with what you said about her "complaints" about you leading up to/during her infidelity and the breakup. It seems she was projecting feelings that she knew to be true about herself and her own actions onto you. Perhaps she did this out of guilt, to push you away so she wouldn't have to admit to what she was doing behind your back, etc.

 

Ultimately, if you can, I would keep your distance. You deserve much, much more respect and not someone who would make you feel bad for what is ultimately their fear of themselves and incredibly hurtful behavior.

 

You can come away from the "lost" feeling by trying to see the behavior from this perspective, taking care of yourself, and not letting her take advantage of the fact that you still love and care about her.

[heartbroken1234]

Thanks so much for your response and I realize what you're saying about all this. It does seem to be her pattern and all. My whole thing is just that I truly felt deep down in my heart that we were different and the love we shared would be enough to stop her from doing that and just feel secure about spending our lives together like she said... I mean, it's obvious she still has feelings for me, but is already in too deep with this new guy that she's stuck. Cause she'll still get so mad at me for stuff with other girls. Like she heard something bout me and this girl and my Ex doesn't even know the girl and instant messaged me saying, "how could i be with such a bitch". Even though the kid she's with has slept with 20 plus women and doesn't even believe in God. Which I guess some people don't care about stuff like that, but I just really felt as if that stuff were more important to her. I mean, even if someone was willing to let that fact of how many people he had been with go, the fact he does not believe in God is unforgiveable and she has no part being with that kid. I mean, she'll always respond to me, answer calls, respond to texts and everything, but only if he's not around. I don't know, I just don't see how she can be so upset with me for thinking I'm going to start dating someone else and move on, when she's already in a "serious relationship". Serious relationship meaning they've been intimate and stay at each other's place. Haha, yet she'll get mad at me for the thought of me going out on a date. I just don't see how she has the nerve...