susie1965 Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Hi. I am really hoping for some words of wisdom or comfort....my husband of 4 years (together 5) left me last week. He is from the UK and has not been able to find work here (Canada) and was kind of depressed. He announced in January that he wanted to go home (UK). I tried everything to make our relationship work. He said he was offered work back home and would go over to try it out and maybe work for 6 months. I agreed, because he was so unhappy. I was so sad that he left, I miss him so much. We both cried at the airport. After he left I found out (on his computer) that in fact he lied...has lied for the past year...he reconnected with an old g/f back home and has gone over to be with her. He emailed me to say he isn't coming back, he loves her. I feel so betrayed, hurt, sad, I miss him...he is my best friend. We don't have any children. I have a good family and friends, and am financially okay. But I just can't imagine life without him. How do I stop loving him? How do I plan a future when I just can't see the point? I haven't spoken to him since he left. He is a compulsive liar--he has been lying to the other woman too--and I am worried about him because I think he will end up alone without anything. What do I do?
magichands Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 and I am worried about him because I think he will end up alone without anything. It's so noble of you to be worried about him - but what about you??!! What a terrible way to have invested five years of your own life, when you find out that he has thrown it all away. Can you really trust him at all anymore? Does he deserve your love? And your thoughts? I don't think so. Obviously you still care a lot for him. Good luck with recovering from a stab to your heart. You really are worth a lot more than this sort of treatment!!!!
stoopid_guy Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 What do you want to do now? Is there anything you liked to do that he didn't, so you've been missing? Any movies you missed because he wouldn't like them? Wannna try a new hair color? Take a night-course? Don't worry about him. He's an adult. He made a choice, and he has to live with it. He's not your responsibility. I know it hurts, but it's not the end of the world.
dgiirl Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 You love him, but he's a complusive liar? Then who exactly is it that you love? Do you really love him, or the idea of him? Dont worry about knowing how to stop loving him right now. Just because he has stopped, doesnt mean you have to. Your top priority right now is just learning to let him go, learning to refocus to you and learning and doing things that make you happy. Too often in relationships, we wrap our whole lives and identity around our spouses. So much that we start to lose ourselves. And then we are shattered and lost when we lose our partners. Your job right now is to find yourself again. To realize that no matter what their decision might be, we are responsible for our happiness and finding a purpose to life. I think you need to get angry. Angry enough to say fsck him, i'm not going to let him ruin MY life. After 5 years, he EMAILS you from a different country and dumps you? Did you help him pay for his plane ticket over there? Dont you think you deserve better respect than that? I know how much it hurts. Out of nowhere, my exh dumped me on valentines day and moved out the very next day. And he didnt just leave respectfully. He had to tell me how evil I was. That it would take a miracle for him to ever come back to me. That he wanted kids, but not with me. That if he stayed any longer, he'd become an alcoholic. That all I've done is take and take from him, and all he's done is give and give to me. That I hurt people without even realizing it. It's just who i am. And so on and so on. And I said the same things as you. I love him. Cant imagine a life without him. I was worried about him. But I eventually got angry. He might have made this decision, and the way he treated me was utterly disgusting and totally not fair. But life isnt always fair, so why should I let him ruin my future! The only one who suffers from that is me. He's still with his gf. He doesnt see me suffering, only I do. Stop worrying about him. Stop thinking about him. Refocus your thoughts to you. You have an opportunity right now to redo or restructure things you've always wanted for your life. Dont waste it! Even IF he comes back, you dont want to regret not taking advantage of this time because you were pining over his sorry ass. Make a list of all the things you want to do in life and start doing them.
Lor Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I am worried about him because I think he will end up alone without anything. Oh, man, if there is justice in the world, that's exactly what will happen to this jerk! :mad: Dgiirl gave you some excellent advice. I know you love him now but who did you love? What kind of heartless *sshole would lie like that and then not even have the ***** to tell you to your face but email you? What this guy did to you is reprehensible! If you know he's lying to the GF, let her know. She may not hear you right now but she will appreciate what you tried to do for her later on. I don't normally say this on LS but you are better off without him. Count yourself lucky it only took 5 years for him to show his true colors. This guy is not worth one of your tears. This guy is the perfect example of why some species eat their young.
DieselPWR Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 How do you stop loving him? Wow?! I thought I was the only person that was asking that question. BTW, if you find that answer, let me know; cause I am in the same boat on that one. The situation sounds pretty cut and dry, but accepting it will be the hardest part. I know that I am still in denial over my true situation. Like the others said, keep busy, do something you like. One of the first things I did was buy myself a new(used) bedroom set. Mainly out of necessity, but still changed the look of my bedroom. I moved furniture and made our house mine. Falling out of love isn't as simple, I cannot give you that answer, maybe some of the 'ol hands can help out on that one. In my opnion, if I found out my W who dissappeared on me was living with her old bf, I think it would be pretty simple. But as much as I wonder, part of me doesn't want to know things like that. God bless you through this rough time, I am in a differnt situiation, but know how you are feeling in the Love department. Not sure how spiratual you are, but I have found that Church and prayer and surrounding myself with people who support me has helped me.
Author susie1965 Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 Thanks to all of you...it helps so much to hear from people who have been there, through it, all of that. I have lots of people I COULD talk to, but I don't find it very easy, somehow the support of 'strangers' is more helpful right now. As for the anger piece, maybe that is still to come, but right now, I still love him and I am grieving for the future I imagined we would have. I know he is very messed up, emotionally, lots of bad childhood stuff and his way of coping is to lie, avoid and run. He never conned me out of anything, he actually bought me the house and everything in it. I just see such pain in him, and I worry for him. I also think of all of the fun we had and everything, and it is that I miss. Day by day...I guess that is the key. It does get better, right?
Author susie1965 Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 Thanks to all of you...it helps so much to hear from people who have been there, through it, all of that. I have lots of people I COULD talk to, but I don't find it very easy, somehow the support of 'strangers' is more helpful right now. As for the anger piece, maybe that is still to come, but right now, I still love him and I am grieving for the future I imagined we would have. I know he is very messed up, emotionally, lots of bad childhood stuff and his way of coping is to lie, avoid and run. He never conned me out of anything, he actually bought me the house and everything in it. I just see such pain in him, and I worry for him. I also think of all of the fun we had and everything, and it is that I miss. Day by day...I guess that is the key. It does get better, right?
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