Is it hopeless?

[surrealrain]

Me and my boyfriend dated for a little over a year. The last few months have been very tough. There has been a lot of fighting because of me being too controlling, although we did still have some very good times too. The 7th of this month he told me he had a surprise for me, and we went out and had the most amazing date ever. Then on the way back we got into a conversation about how he was feeling (during the few months of fighting he told me he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore, that he knew he cared a lot about me, but wasn’t sure if he “loved” me, and also that he kinda wanted to be single so he would have freedom). So I broke up with him that night, I told him that I couldn’t wait around for him to figure it out. After he took me home he called me crying. He told me that he’s sorry for the way he feels, and it scares him to, and that he doesn’t want to be without me. So we go the rest of the weekend without talking, but he sends me an email Monday telling me he misses me, and asking how I was doing. I told him I just wanted to move on, and asked if it would be okay for me to go pick up my stuff. So I go to his house that evening to get my stuff, and he walked me out to my car, and gave me a hug, then he said that he is going to miss me, and that he doesn’t want it to end. I told him I didn’t want it to either, but I don’t want to keep waiting for him. We both cried and hugged each other, then he told me that he wanted to work it out. So we spend the evening talking, and decided to start again, and take things slow. We both cared enough about each other to want to try and make it through the rough time. I told him I would get better about the controlling thing.

 

Things were great the next few days. We got along better than we ever had, and he told me how much I meant to him. We even made plans for a future trip we had been talking about. We both believed that we could make it work. Then the 12th he called me that night and told me he wanted to breakup. I asked him to come get me so we can talk about it. I couldn’t understand what happened in one day to make him change his mind. He said that it was because he had to do some stuff after work, and that he spent the whole time dreading going home, and calling me because he knew I would get mad at him. I was crying while he broke up with me, and he tried comforting me. He had tears in his eyes too. When he took me home I told him he can now have all the freedom he wants. After a week and half he still hadn’t called me. So Sunday night I called him to tell him that I switched phone companies and had to get a new number.

 

We talked for about an hour an half, he told me that he really does miss me, but he’s happier now that he can hang out with his family and friends more, and a lot less stressed. He was telling me about his mom trying to hook him up with a girl she goes to church with (his mom was trying to get him to date her the whole time we were together), he said that he doesn’t want to date anyone, and that if he did want a relationship, it would be with me. He hasn’t called me back yet. I am so hurt. I can understand him going through a phase where he wants to be single (I’m still in college and last year I went through the same thing, I got a job as a waitress and had so many guys asking me out for a few months I wish I was single, but I’m not the type of person that could walk away from someone). He is 22, and dated the same girl throughout high school and college, then he began dating me. So I can understand why he would want to be single, but I can’t understand why he would actually throw away such a long relationship. He even told me when he broke up with me that he knows he will regret it, but he just needs freedom now. Him and his ex were constantly on and off, sometimes for months at a time. He said it would be about a month or so before he would start missing her.

 

I will admit that I am controlling. I do get upset when he hangs out with friends. I really try not to be, but I’ve always been a loner, and outside my family I only have one friend but him. She is the girl I grew up with, but she now lives an hour away, so I don’t get a chance to see her much. And I do have a hard time understanding why people always feel they have to hang out with friends. Because of the hermit in me, I’ve only been emotionally close to a few people in my life, and he was one of them. I miss him so much, I don’t know if I should go to him and talk face to face, or give him time. If it was a bad breakup, or if there was really no hope left, then I would just walk away, but me and him even talked about how much we wanted it to work.

 

And you all will just have to believe me when I tell you that he wasn’t saying that stuff to make the breakup easier. Anyways I’m just afraid if I give him space he will move on, but if I don’t then I will smother him. And I need for him to miss me. But how long should I wait? He even said before we hung up that he’s sure he will be getting in touch with me.

[magichands]

He told me that he’s sorry for the way he feels, and it scares him to, and that he doesn’t want to be without me.

As hard as it is, you are going to have to give him time to think. I think that you only want him back if he is absolutely sure that he wants you. Or you will always be wondering if you can trust him with your heart again.

 

Let him come to you. And he'd better be awful convincing!!!!

[Curt]

I can’t understand why he would actually throw away such a long relationship.

 

Especially when people are young, a lot of things change. Who we are, what we are, how we see ourselves, and how we see others in relation to ourselves all be points that we reflect on. As we change, what we need and want our lives to "look like" changes also.

 

Perhaps you both have grown apart a bit.

 

Understand that the more you try to control someone, the more they will tend to resist that control, and grow tired of it. Continue to try and curb that part of yourself. If not, I fear you may lose the support of many treasured people in your life.

 

I will admit that I am controlling. I do get upset when he hangs out with friends. I really try not to be, but I’ve always been a loner, and outside my family I only have one friend but him. She is the girl I grew up with, but she now lives an hour away, so I don’t get a chance to see her much. And I do have a hard time understanding why people always feel they have to hang out with friends. Because of the hermit in me, I’ve only been emotionally close to a few people in my life, and he was one of them.

 

I suppose it's an old saying, but, no man is an island. There's a great strength in being alone. Sometimes, however, and especially when you are part of a couple, you need to have room for others. Other people give us a valuable sounding board for hard times, they're fantastic support in the good times, and they allow us to extend our hearts and minds to the needs and presence of another person. Having these others helps us grow. Try to extend your social circle. The benefits can be far-reaching.

 

I miss him so much, I don’t know if I should go to him and talk face to face, or give him time. If it was a bad breakup, or if there was really no hope left, then I would just walk away, but me and him even talked about how much we wanted it to work.

 

More than anything, you now need to give him time and space. Perhaps for him, that one month mark is the thing to drive for. It is possible that you may have lost him. If so, you will need to come to grips with that and move on. Even if it is the case, at least you can be secure in the knowledge that you've both enriched each other's lives.

 

Surely, if you don't give him the time and space he needs, he may well see it as an attempt to control or sway him. Then again, he may not. Nonetheless, I honestly believe that you both do need that time and space to do some reflection and soul searching.

 

Keep us informed, and God Bless.

 

Curt

[surrealrain]

Thank you both for giving me your opinion, it really helped. Well I switched phone services, and wasn't able to keep my old number, so I called him last Sunday to tell him. Just to see if he cared I said "Hey, it's me, I'm just calling to tell you I got a new phone number", then I quickly changed the subject (I was seeing if he would ask me for the number), and asked about how the puppy we had gotten together was doing, we talked awhile about the dog, about half an hour (she got parvo and died:( ), and then he asked me what I said my new number was. So I guess that was one good sign, and then he said that he is sure he would be calling me sometime.

Anyways we went on to talk for another hour, he was telling me how his friends, and family were all trying to get him hooked up with other girls, but he told them if he was planning on dating anyone it would be me. I tried so hard not to mention anything about "us", but I asked him if he missed me at all. He said that he missed me very much, and that at night he really wishes I was laying beside him, but he said that he is happier without me, because his life is now less stressful. He enjoys being able to do things like play golf, and hang out with friends.

I have to admit that I'm not really heartbroken anymore, a part of me feels happier too. I'm not saying that I don't miss him when I come across something that reminds me of him, but I think that once I became honest with myself I realized that I'm better off without him. We had a lot of great times together, and if he calls me up wanting me back, I'm sure I'll go on dates with him, and stay friendly,and take it from there, but if that doesn't happen, then I will be okay with it.