johan Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 In the process of moving from single to taken, you must have some belief that being in a relationship is the right thing for you. It's not enough simply to want to be with someone, but you must also have some belief that the other person will believe that you're desirable. I don't have that belief. Without it, it makes no sense for me to try. Not only does it make it a fearful process, but it actually takes away my desire. I believe that sooner or later she will realize it's a mistake to be with me and she'll need to move on. And that makes the whole thing seem like just putting my own neck on the block. I have been in long-term relationships and short-term relationships. But those all ended. While in the most recent one, I believed in myself. But looking back, I can't say that I was right to feel that way. It was my response to the situations I was put it. T It's not that I can't be charming or attractive. I live a good life and have high standards. I am well-educated, and I make good money. All of those things are surface things. In the end it will be what's underneath that will matter. I could go start something up with a fouled up woman, just like I have in the past. I could make it last for years, just like I did before. But I don't want that. I want a woman with more class and substance who I could respect. Who would challenge me. But that requires more substance on my part. Something heavier. I feel light.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 why did your last relationship end? by the way, i'm in no position to give advice, i'm just curious
Author johan Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 First... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t69968/ And then... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77960/
burning 4 revenge Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Wow J, your usually the funniest smartass on the board, but when you talk about your emotions you show a lot of heart. Obviously there was some sort of communication problem, but you are such a good communicator that I have to assume it was her. I haven't been in this type of situation. My last relationship, the one with the only girl I ever fell in love with, ended for reasons of physical incompatability. Sexual incompatability. And she turned to someone else, but wanted to keep what we had at the same time. I become furious and saw the writing on the wall, so I turned to deviant activities to push her further away, because I didn't want to accept that my very body wasn't good enough for her. Before that, some ten years ago, I was engaged, but I broke it off, because she didn't stimulate me intellectually. The sex was good at that time, but I didn't love her because her conversation bored me. Plus, she was black, and my family didn't like it (the latin half believe it, or not). Neither of these shed light on your posts. I'm just giving you my frame of reference. I too want something substantive. It's a trite thing to say, but, of course you want someone intelligent that you can respect. And it's more than that my last gf was intelligent, but she lacked a certain sense of depth. She lacked empathy. I think it's that combination of intellect and depth that's so rare in both sexes. When you find someone with both you will know you can trust them, even if they break your heart. I don't know what that's worth, Mark
magichands Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I too want something substantive. It's a trite thing to say, but, of course you want someone intelligent that you can respect. And it's more than that my last gf was intelligent, but she lacked a certain sense of depth. She lacked empathy. I think it's that combination of intellect and depth that's so rare in both sexes. When you find someone with both you will know you can trust them, even if they break your heart. Wow. Sounds like heaven. Hopefully there are more of these paragraphs, except with happy endings (rub out the last six words please).
Outcast Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I believed in myself. But looking back, I can't say that I was right to feel that way. You must never allow a breakup to make you feel that you were at fault. It's simply a matter of two people who aren't perfectly matched ceasing to try to make a match. It's stopping trying to pound the square peg into the round hole. Nothing wrong with either the peg or the hole - they just don't belong together. I think you're still depressed. How long has it been since the breakup? Seems to me you have another couple or so months to go before the clouds begin to finally clear..
burning 4 revenge Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 J, did you absolutely trust her? It sounded from your posts, as if you always felt an indefinable coolness between you. J, date women over thirty. That's not a perfect formula by any means ,but young girls today are confused, because they're long on options and short on maturity. And, of course, you want to have great personal chemistry. Maybe you guys did, but it sounds like you didn't always understand each other. Maybe, she didn't get your worldview. She thought you were dark you said, right? She didn't understand your sense of humor some of the things you would say? That sounds like you looked at life from very different perspectives. In the end, I don't know how you know. Maybe, you never do. Half of the marriadges fail. I want to say that you have to need each other , but that does'nt sound healthy either. Very hard question Johan
Sand&Water Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I agree with Outcast, on this one - especially the part about being depressed. It seems as though you are carrying most of the weight (of your fate, the outcome and turning points in a relationship) on your shoulders. It is much simpler than this. You can't make yourself accountable for everything - bad or good. I could go start something up with a fouled up woman, just like I have in the past. I could make it last for years, just like I did before. But I don't want that. I want a woman with more class and substance who I could respect. Who would challenge me. But that requires more substance on my part. Something heavier. I feel light. This really is a building stone. I wish every man would understand the depths of your words. This is what I look for in a man. Burning4revenge put it nicely... too want something substantive. It's a trite thing to say, but, of course you want someone intelligent that you can respect. And it's more than that my last gf was intelligent, but she lacked a certain sense of depth. She lacked empathy. I think it's that combination of intellect and depth that's so rare in both sexes. When you find someone with both you will know you can trust them, even if they break your heart. It is true. There aren't many women out there that measure up - or at least have that deep understand of their surroundings. Finding a man, these days, that is intellegent, sympathetic, and grateful is not easy for the spirit. Be yourself. Just yourself. Someone will accept you. The most desirable trait in a man (in my opinion - relative to B4R comments) is the ability to debate, express solid opinions, and be compationate all at the same time (whether it be about why some women look good in the color red, to Why was Syria's PM assasinated). I adore such men.
Author johan Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 ...And it's more than that my last gf was intelligent, but she lacked a certain sense of depth. She lacked empathy... That was a feeling I had about my ex all the time. Empathy was missing. She may have thought the same about me. I think you're still depressed. How long has it been since the breakup? Seems to me you have another couple or so months to go before the clouds begin to finally clear.. That would be nice. A couple months and then all's well. I'd like that. It's been a little over 10 months now. J, did you absolutely trust her? I trusted her. It was hard sometimes. In the end I found that trusting myself was more important. It was a mix of really good and really bad. In some ways she was more than I could ever want. In others she came up so short. Again, I'm sure she says similar things about me. I agree with Outcast, on this one - especially the part about being depressed. It seems as though you are carrying most of the weight (of your fate, the outcome and turning points in a relationship) on your shoulders. It is much simpler than this. You can't make yourself accountable for everything - bad or good. Be yourself. Just yourself. Someone will accept you. The most desirable trait in a man (in my opinion - relative to B4R comments) is the ability to debate, express solid opinions, and be compationate all at the same time (whether it be about why some women look good in the color red, to Why was Syria's PM assasinated). I adore such men. I know what you mean Sand&Water. That goes both ways. I think a connection like that sounds real nice right now. These feelings I'm having aren't very much connected to the ex. Of course, having broken up with her put me in this situation. Overall, I think I'm mostly at peace with losing her. It is a loss though. No doubt. The theory that there is someone better is the only thing that makes it an acceptable loss. But someone better may require better of me. I think maybe if the ex hadn't had some of the problems she had, she wouldn't have been available to me or willing to try as hard. This is where I feel inadequate. Because I want a thinking, introspective woman who has worked some things out, who I'm attracted to, who is emotionally mature and interesting, who is available, who happens to be nearby when I'm in the right state of mind, etc. And then for her to see in me what I see in her, and to choose me from among all the men who she could choose from. And then for her to decide to be with me and to commit to something more than just dating. The odds seem a little low right now. I can't go on feeling sorry for myself like this. I just have to find the right perspective.
BareGoddess Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 How do you know? One never really does know. At least I never have. It's always been blind faith on my part. I usually was disappointed but I always felt that THE right person was going to come along. But I also always knew that if I gave up, or lost confidence or put up barriers that the probability for success would go WAY down. So I always picked myself up, dusted myself off and put on an act that I was REALLY ok again...until I really was. My story ended happily...and I know yours will too.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 introspective is the perfect word J. that's the word i think i wanted to use. you'll get an introspective woman ,because your'e an introspective guy. the odds aren't low
Sand&Water Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Introspective; yes that pretty much sums up a lot of things you described. I trusted her. It was hard sometimes. In the end I found that trusting myself was more important. It was a mix of really good and really bad. In some ways she was more than I could ever want. In others she came up so short. Again, I'm sure she says similar things about me. Were you disappointed in the failures, or the complexity of her personality? It is tough to find the right balance in the woman you desire. However, what is more important is finding and understanding your desires. You can't offer rewards to your partner, knowing full well that you are a lost pup (IMO). This is where I feel inadequate. Because I want a thinking, introspective woman who has worked some things out, who I'm attracted to, who is emotionally mature and interesting, who is available, who happens to be nearby when I'm in the right state of mind, etc. And then for her to see in me what I see in her, and to choose me from among all the men who she could choose from. And then for her to decide to be with me and to commit to something more than just dating. The odds seem a little low right now. I can't go on feeling sorry for myself like this. I just have to find the right perspective. It is about believing that you have constructed the right perspective. I know what you mean. It is a deep fear that once you have established a clear perspective, that you will not be able to fullfil it. Being scared that, to accept someone you can not fully comprehend, and share your mind with. That's what I think. That is what I fear. So, get moving. Believing that you have enough 'fuel' to make the journey is a start. The rest is collaboration.
Author johan Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 introspective is the perfect word J. that's the word i think i wanted to use. you'll get an introspective woman ,because your'e an introspective guy. the odds aren't low Yeah, man. We both should be landing a good one at some point. Maybe BareGoddess has a sister or something.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Yeah, man. We both should be landing a good one at some point. Maybe BareGoddess has a sister or something. well then you better hope she has two
BareGoddess Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 okay, then johan can have her Ha! And here I thought you LIKED Johan!
Recommended Posts