What is she thinking?

[trebon]

I am getting more and more confused again! Here is a very breif heads up for those who havent heard my story (thank you to those who have - You have saved my life and I am more thankful than you will ever know.) I was with her for 5 years when she 'needed space and time to herself' she got into a new relationship instantly and he treated her realy bad - she was basically drawn in by a player, used her and spat her out within a month.she has since gone out and been very out of character pulling guys etc. Shes kept in close contact with me the whole time and we are trying to be friedns but its so difficult because Im not ready to give up on our relationship because she has told me that she still loves me and once she has had a chance to experience life she will be ready to settle down with me for good (we are both 20 we were each others first for everything, we were due to marry and move in together at her instigation)- and I know her well and she isnt lying, but may change her mind.

 

So heres the situation now...

 

the other day she txt me very sad and said that she thought I had given up on her. I haven't at all. She wanted time away and I've given it to her - since this whole thng has started I have never initiated conversation, she always comes to me if she wants to talk.

She is so sad and lonely and she keeps texting me to tell me so. I am the first person she comes to when she is low. She keeps sayign she feels lonely and that nobody loves her

- I dont know what this is supposed to mean. Is she asking me for more attention or is she saying that she doesnt feel that I love her anymore?

 

To be fair I have thought about giving it all up and trying to move on but I have no friends anymore,and noone to distract me from her and I dont want to be distracted yet anyway. An old friend offered to come down and visit in a couple of weeks so we could go on the pull together and each sort out a one night stand to take my mind off it but I dont think I could bare that. Its not my scene, im a very emotional guy and I dont think i could deal with that.

 

what is she thinking and what do I do?

thank you so much!

[BatteredByLove]

Trebon... it seems like your ex is one confused girl. she broke up with you needing space.... and dated another guy instantly, then dated other guys after that one... and now she texts you? That you gave up on her? I haven't read your story much but from your brief overview, she seems pretty confused. But from her just dropping you after a 5 year relationship... w/ a "I need to find myself". That usually means "I want to break up with you but I dont' want to hurt you". But if you really do want to give it another chance, I can't tell you what to do, because obviously whatever you've been doing seems to be working so far....

Good Luck

[bendit]

Unfortunately your situation is all too common. You are very young. Probably first real serious relationship. One of you realizes that you are young and not exactly 100% sure about things and wants to experiment.

 

Now I have to be honest with you. You've really been Mr. doormat with your woman here. She has it Perfect! And its all because of you.

 

Why do I think that? Well here you two broke up. She gets a new boyfriend immediately! Didn't waste any time. That blew up and you were there for her to support her.

 

This woman is no prize. She is troubled. She drinks and then sleeps with men while drunk. She is inconsistent.

 

You gave her tacit "permission" to go out and sow her wild oats. You let her sample a number of different men sexually with no consequences. What you said to her was, You Go Girl, and when you get tired, bored, or kicked to the curb because you are a slut, come back to me because I LOVE YOU SO!!!

 

She is confused and depressed and doesn't know what she wants. Its not a time for you two to try again. You can do better.

 

You are being a chump. You are sitting around pining away for this woman, as if she is the only one on this earth of ours that could make you happy.

 

You are 20 years old yet don't believe deep down that you could ever experience "love" like this again. You are wrong; but you don't see it.

 

This woman is not shy about telling you that she is sleeping around. She tells you this and devalues you as a man. Yet you are OK with this. You let her screw around and do whatever she pleases, telling her that you will be there no matter what. There are no consequences for what she does. Why would she change?

 

You tell her to take her time; you will be there. You will take her back. She could have sex with many many men and you would take her back.

 

You are in a Fog. You are so deep into Oneits (obsession with one) with this woman, that you have completely compromised your role as a man. You are not being a strong man.

 

You have the potential to be a prize. But at the moment, you are not acting like you have value. You are valuable and need to start acting like it.

 

You should not be behaving like some chump who lets himself be used as an emotional tampon for your woman, when the world comes down on her harshly, as it will do, given her confusion and her actions.

 

Even if you guys get back together, she is 99% likely to have Multiple affairs over the course of any relationship you will have. Why? Because she knows you will not do a thing about it except grin and bear it. You have been weak and she knows it.

 

You have proven that you are OK with her promiscuity. You will take her back no matter what. She knows this and realizes she could get away with just about anything as your mate.

 

Why do you accept table scraps from this woman who Devalues you? Why do you allow her to diminish you as a man by recounting her sexual exploits to you? Why do you think that this woman is the only one for you? The only one you can get?

 

What do you owe her? Nothing. She uses you and exploits your "nice guy" persona.

 

Please. Please. Talk to some people, perhaps a counselor, and tell them everything, everything that has happened in your relationship.

 

Tell them about the other men. Tell them how you are always there for her no matter what, waiting for her when she needs a rescue from the harshness of life, no matter how many men have "had" their way with her.

 

Notice how awful you feel. Why do you feel awful? Why are you in the coping section of LS while she is off screwing whoever she pleases, all with your permission?

 

Think long and hard about this relationship and what you accept for yourself. This is not "normal." Its not normal for two people who are together to take breaks where one goes off and does whatever they want, while the other sits around reading coping forums.

 

This is not Normal. What you have is not Normal. It hurts you. It causes you pain. You are being devalued. Your manhood is in a shambles. Your self esteem is in peril.

 

Stop. Just Stop. Stop being her doormat. Begin to lift yourself back up. Get stronger. Look long and hard at how little you have accepted for yourself, what you have allowed, and make a promise to yourself that you will correct this terribly imbalanced relationship.

 

Promise that you will Think. Think about why you are in pain. Think about what she does to you. Think about Stopping your pain. You are in pain because you are in an awful unbalanced relationship.

 

You can do this if you just start to get yourself out of this Fog and, one step at a time, get healthier. Best of luck.

 

regards