KittenMoon Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 My therapist was asking me this question last night and it got me thinking. What is it that I think only he can give me? At first I thought it was total acceptance of who I was... but then I realized my other friends give me that as well, so it had to be something else. So I continue to think.... So: What is it that you think that only that one person who is now gone can give you? What is the want that has you hung up on them? (this is rhetorical, you don't have to answer, just something to think about)
laRubiaBonita Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 i think you should also ask what you want from The One person of your future...... not just the past person.
Pyro Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 i think you should also ask what you want from The One person of your future...... not just the past person. here here. Don't look behind you, just whats in front of you.
Author KittenMoon Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 I think this was meant as a thought process to identify why we remain hung up on one person- long before we're ready to identify what we want in the future. Not looking back, not looking forward, lookin at right now. I just thought it was a good question.
Pyro Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I think this was meant as a thought process to identify why we remain hung up on one person- long before we're ready to identify what we want in the future. I think that we become so comfortable and use to being with one person, that we fear that we may never meet anyone else who would fullfill us like the person in the past did.
Author KittenMoon Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 I think that we become so comfortable and use to being with one person, that we fear that we may never meet anyone else who would fullfill us like the person in the past did. You're definitely right in general... it seems some people might also have more personal, specific reasons they need to identify.
Chinook Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 What is it that you think that only that one person who is now gone can give you? What is the want that has you hung up on them? (this is rhetorical, you don't have to answer, just something to think about) Honesty. That's all I wanted really. He was/is dating someone else whilst telling me how he would always love me and he would always care about me. He even asked me the question about reconciliation. He cries every time we meet because he is so conflicted about how he feels because he committed to someone else before he was ready to let go of me. I really thought about what you asked Kitten. I don't need or even want to be with him any longer. What I did need to know was something simple. I needed to know what exactly he meant by I still love you and I needed to know that although he is where he is, was he really happy there... simply because all the conflicting information he's given up to now, has been contradictory and painful. But yesterday... I decided 'f$$kit' because he is never going to tell me what he feels or thinks. He says it's way too painful. That may be the case, what he actually wanted was an easy way out of his dilemma and by going completely NC, I gave it to him. I made his life easier and gave up. My theory is, he made his choice... conflict or not, love or not, fact is... he's with someone else now. Let him tear her to pieces instead.
Walk Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I love your question Kittenmoon. Thank you for posting it.
Diver012 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Respect. There were rules established up front, before the relationship began, on how things would be handled should the relationship not work out. The reason these rules were put in place was because we work together. We both agreed that: If there were any problems in the relationship, they would be dealt with outside of work. We would be honest, and respectful of eachothers feelings, because if it doesnt work, we still have to work together. When we broke up, she called me at the office, while was in a meeting and broke up with me. The night before, I was stood up by her. I was never offered a reason as to why her feelings suddenly changed. All she said was I want to tell you but I dont want to hurt you. Like, not telling me and leaving me to wonder WTF for months on end, didnt hurt 10,000 times more. 2 times afterwards I asked her for closure, she basically slammed the door in my face. I didnt want her to come back, I simply wanted to understand why, so I could accept it and move on. I felt disrespected, lied to, and cheated. Every rule we both promised eachother was broken. I have my respect back, but I will never respect her. Maybe im still a little bitter.. hehe, but I think things could have been handled a little bit more adult like. Especially coming from a 39 yr old woman.
fabulousgal Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Given my breakup circumstances, I just wanted to hear it sucked for him too that I called it off. He wasn't going to stand up for me, so I left it. At first he seemed so distraught, but then it was me who was down and out and him not giving a damn. Boy that hurt, how selfish can you be to know that yes i like this moment of spending time w her, but its only going to go so far then its gonna end. jerk. but now, i can say i don't want to hear it. i don't care, he's a loser, i am a winner and thats that. screw him, i'm only going to focus on my fun and happy times thus forth. i did all i could to even preserve civilty between us, and somethings are better left in the past. and ladies and gents, my ex is one of them. ya for feeling less hung up than ever the last week or so!
mariJane Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 cool thanks for sharing that! maybe that will help me. coolio. k i guess i will go clean the house now. sorry typing outloud there, peace out!
Becoming Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Great question! What is it that we really want from our SO? Love, which includes respect, justice, mutuality, kindness, honor. I want my SO to adore me and tell me so in lots of ways. I want him to be there to help me through hard times, celebrate and make good times with me. I think it's about knowing and being known intimately and loved.
CrushedOrgans Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Great question! What is it that we really want from our SO? Love, which includes respect, justice, mutuality, kindness, honor. I want my SO to adore me and tell me so in lots of ways. I want him to be there to help me through hard times, celebrate and make good times with me. I think it's about knowing and being known intimately and loved. i think she was talking about exes, not current partners.
In Sync Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 My therapist was asking me this question last night and it got me thinking. What is it that I think only he can give me? At first I thought it was total acceptance of who I was... but then I realized my other friends give me that as well, so it had to be something else. So I continue to think.... So: What is it that you think that only that one person who is now gone can give you? What is the want that has you hung up on them? (this is rhetorical, you don't have to answer, just something to think about) Hmmmm, let's see. I wanted him to say I'm sorry for having disrespected you. But I accept that I will never get that. I often wonder if anyone is ever really able to apologize for hurting or disrespecting anyone...is it just too awkward for most people to admit they inflicted pain on another?
Diver012 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Hmmmm, let's see. I wanted him to say I'm sorry for having disrespected you. But I accept that I will never get that. I often wonder if anyone is ever really able to apologize for hurting or disrespecting anyone...is it just too awkward for most people to admit they inflicted pain on another? I think most people that knowlingly inflicted pain, go through feelings of guilt. I dont really think this phase lasts very long, certainly not as long as the pain of being rejected does. I also believe that there are people that are genuinally just as upset that the relationship is ending as you are. They wanted it to work, they tried to make it work, they fought kicking and screaming to make it work, and in the end, it just didnt. Then there are those that simply dont care. They want out, so they get out and make no appoligies for their feelings on the matter. After all, why should they right? They are entitled to their feelings after all? I think these people are selfish. It really hurts when someone that supposedly cared about you, can suddenly be so cold.
the_alchemyst Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I'm confused. I thought Kitten's question was asking us what we think is the one thing our ex's gave us that we we think no one else can (ie: her example of total acceptance). In other words, what is that one thing that they gave us that has us still "hung up" on them because we think we cannot get that elsewhere or from any other one. Or maybe I'm just taking too much medicine. I feel so gone. @_@
AriaIncognito Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I think that we become so comfortable and use to being with one person, that we fear that we may never meet anyone else who would fullfill us like the person in the past did. A-freakin-men Riddler. That is spot on, in my opinion. Fear of the unknown. Fear of never having again, what we once had. Fear of never feeling acceptance like we once did, etc. It truly is based largely on fear, for many of us. Jennifer
AriaIncognito Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 The one and only thing I wanted from my last partner, was commitment. He was never able to give it. He was never able to "let go" of his fears and love me. He lost out. I'm a great person, and will make someone very happy someday. He could have been that someone, but he left. Damn shame. He'll never find someone that will match up to me :-) Jennifer
Author KittenMoon Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 I'm confused. I thought Kitten's question was asking us what we think is the one thing our ex's gave us that we we think no one else can (ie: her example of total acceptance). In other words, what is that one thing that they gave us that has us still "hung up" on them because we think we cannot get that elsewhere or from any other one. Or maybe I'm just taking too much medicine. I feel so gone. @_@ No, sweetheart, you nailed it on the head. Obviously, for a lot of people that last hang up is an apology for the hurt, or a specific hurt. Or there's some people who think they'll never get anyone as attractive as their ex, which is very specific (albeit shallow). Or it's whatever else. I sorta know what mine might be.... and it makes me angry enough at both myself and him that I don't really want to talk about it.
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